Give it a second to get through the initial credits.
I’ve loved Devin the Dude since III Dog introduced me to him in 2001. After playing his latest album for Suit during our LA trip, he is now a full believer. Suit needs, “da BOOM”.
Devin is not your usual rapper. He doesn’t bullshit about tearing up clubs, ice/bling, or Escalades. Devin’s lyrics are comprised of “The 3 Bs”.
Bitches
Blunts
Budweiser
…or the 3 Ws, if you like…
Women
Weed
Wine
There is a lot of humor in Devin’s lyrics, coupled with lots of coughing, and beer drinking. Now how can I not love that?
Favorite Devin song: Zeldar. Zeldar is the tale of an intergalactic traveller who is at the Show&Tell convention on Mars. Zeldar had recently crash landed on earth, in a field of green leafy trees. So, he cut them, rolled them, smoked them, and guess how he felt……? very good. He took some on his spaceship, and now he is regaling his adventure with the intergalactic Show&Tell convention. I unfortunately cannot find this song.
Stoney’s Favorite Devin: Doobie Ashtray
Suit’s Favorite Devin: “da BOOM” prank phone call
Devin is from Houston, and has become quite proficient at imitating rednecks. His redneck persona is incorporated into a few of his songs, as well as this prank call.
Dank’s Favorite Devin: None. Dank is a Devin hater. He will come around someday.
I find it interesting how perspectives can change once I take a step back from things. After my long overdue vacation in LA, I found I was not very motivated to get back to writing; that I needed a little time off. The dog days of summer have hit this poor Irishman hard, with heat indecies habitually climbing into the 100 teens. I could not venture out into the world to see what was going on with my fellow species.
However, it has not just been the heat that has kept me away from you, dear readers. The cable company saw fit to take their sweet time in getting me hooked up, and my sister was in town for the week. See also: obliteration. Yet, I have realized that this sabbatical was much needed, and there are a few things I would like to address before I get to this week’s video. (And yes, I know I did not put up a video last week. Deal with it.)
Where did all this bickering come from? I’m with Twitch, things went downhill with this battle of comments. It’s annoying and frustrating, we need to get back to the backbone of this blog. Now, if only I could remember what that was…
I thought this blog was titled, “Stoney Wage Slave” not, “A Bard’s Life”. Dank, this medeival poetry nonsense has got to go. It’s funny and fitting every once in a while, but when your portfolio solely consists of travelling minstrels and high courts, you will find your neck flirting dangerously with that sharp swift blade we love to unleash.
How many tags do we fucking need? Seriously, this shit is getting out of control. I understand that no issue is out of bounds for us, but there is no reason to create a tag for every single thing we have written about. “Deez”, “Midget Indian Dancing”, “Orange Julius”, and “Our Beautiful Superiors” are among many that need to get thrown away and forgotten.
Now, as for the LA trip….wait until Monday. I will have all my pictures uploaded, and a full review of the Stoney reunion.
This week I have found a video that indulges all of our deep seeded interest in child abuse. Don’t act as if you don’t like seeing a kid get what’s coming to him or her. Why even have kids if you can’t make them do what you want? Kids are the perfect way to have legal slave labor, or vicariously achieve everything you were too worthless to achieve. Unfortunately, sooner or later little Billy is going to get lippy, wondering, “Why do I have to clean my room?” or, “Why do I have to play baseball?” or, “Where’s my inhaler?” or even, “But daddy, I don’t want to sweep the chimney, my respirator stopped working last shift.” It’s at times like these when child abuse will keep your kids in line. You don’t have to take shit from them, they are a third your size. Just make sure you subdue them early, because they will grow. Kids love to fuck with you like that.
Here is a dad who likes to smack his kids around, just to keep them guessing.
Yeah, sue me. I missed the weekly video last week while I was lounging around Venice beach, stoned, drunk, and sunburned. I was on vacation, one that was sorely needed so fuck off.
Furthermore, Stoney is on vacation in the Keys, so I’m at the helm. Unfortunately, when one demolishes one’s bank account on beer, toilet paper and paper towels for a lazy host, and double the quoted rental car price, one must bust one’s ass at work upon returning home.
I have just returned from a 15 hour work day, and I felt i should post even though my body wants to shut down. So, I will give you this video thats a bit old, but still funny nonetheless. The Stonies will love this because the owner of this car dealership is the great Dan Falk’s doppleganger. I will be posting after this abysmal weekend. Drink beer readers!
Granny obviously didn’t play sports in her sprier days, because coach would have been all over her shit for not keeping her head on a swivel. This action is almost as paramount as, “keeping your eye on the ball.”
Seeing as I have not fully signed on to the movement to euthanize everyone over the age of 60, (there are still some clauses I need to go over with them, and there’s the matter of my 401 K contribution; fucking cheapskates) I believe any feeble bodied persons should be decked out in full battle armor whenever they leave their houses. If my lazy, back-stabbing campaign manager will get his shit together and post my campaign photos, I will add this issue to my platform. Dank, get moving bitch.
I’m tired of my health insurance skyrocketing just because someone’s Gramps is hitting the cough medicine a little too hard, or Nana has an inner ear problem and keeps cracking her noggin when she falls because she, “fancy walks.” Then, when the elderly can’t handle their own shit anymore, guess who is stuck with the tab? Well, I’m not entirely sure, but it damn sure won’t be me.
I will never be a burden to my little rugrats, I’m going out in a blaze of glory the day I turn 50. I’m thinking, a ridiculous high speed motorcycle accident fireball, or a hail of bullets while robbing a bank. Hey, if I don’t die, free money! It’s flawless. Go big or go home bitches. October 13, 2033. You heard it here first, look for me on the news.
P.S.
With the impending Stoney Wage Slave reunion inching closer, and Stoney’s birthday next Saturday, I will let you readers in on my gifts to him.
First, the furby he never got. I’m going to make Stoney name him, Knuckles. Knuckles will be the enforcer around the house, and it’s my estimation that after a month, a SWAT team will have to take out Knuckles after he becomes tribal overlord of Venice Beach.
Secondly, and even better…..
This will be his best birthday yet.
Infinitely better than his 16th when he received a Rolex from his parents. That’s right, a fucking Rolex. And you’re busting my balls about my dad and his money, Stoney? Pffft, get out of here with your nonsensical nonsense.
It’s summer, meaning it’s also wedding season. See also: drunkeness, awkward dancing, and frightfully bad speeches. These people however, have a found a way to infuse their special day with a little taste and class.
Even after calling in our Senior Language Expert, we were still unable to decipher this video. However, judging from body language, I believe it went something like this…
Bride: “Ketchup is ketchup. What’s your problem?”
Kung-fu master: “Bitch, you know I only like ketchup in the upside down bottle. It’s on.”
This bride should have known better; you never tease a kung-fu master, especially one with a kick that is going to annihilate all people and prop scenery in the room.
These crazy kids will make it though; I have faith. A wedding day is an emotional one, I think a few devastating dragon kicks can be overlooked. After the honeymoon, they will look back on this video, and boy will their faces be red.
I have slacked lately in the area of timely weekly video posting. Like I give a fuck. If I get a video up before the close of the weekend, I still get the same sense of accomplishment. So ease off, there are bigger problems – like the continued sale of Coors products.
I was at a house party last night, and it felt like fucking high school all over again. I went with a friend of mine from work, and it turned out her friend’s house got mobbed by 17-20 year olds. Whatever, I had a beer, and two friends my age there to make fun of all the kiddies; I was fine. I got roped into playing beer pong, and after winning a few games with my superior south paw skills, I asked my partner to go get the next round of beer. She comes back with Coors Light – game fucking over. There is no way I was going to drink that Rocky Mountain piss water. But, I digress.
Soccer is my favorite sport, its a great blend of skill and fitness. All you naysayers, just keep that shit to yourselves, it’s no coincidence that everyone else in the world worships this amazing game. I will not get into a battle of personal preference, if you don’t like soccer, that’s your business so keep it to yourself. But, like it or not, you have no sense of humor if you cannot get a chuckle out of this video.
Editor’s Note: Well apparently the link to this video has fallen through. This similar video will have to suffice.
Well, Dank commented that I should have saved the dramatic chipmunk for my weekly video this week. It had crossed my mind, however I had other intentions for the animal world’s master thespian. That chipmunk is not a random video, his presence is well intentioned and placed within my posts, setting subsequent mood and drama. I must admit, I have watched that clip almost a hundred times since first seeing it a few days ago, and it will never lose its power over me. Infinitely hilarious are two words that come to mind. We have not seen the last of this chipmunk. For those of you who missed my No touching post, or have not had the pleasure of seeing this chipmunk, here he is.
That will never get old.
As for this week’s video, I am aware that monkeys acting like humans is an overdone theme, however it has been a slow week in the video world. This is a classic video of a monkey in a South African zoo, enjoy.
The most hilarious part is the fact that Charley has the presence of mind to hide his cigarettes from the zoo keepers. That doesn’t say much for South Africa’s zoo community. Plus, Charley has gotten his girlfriend to start smoking; his pimp hand is strong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I underastand it is not Friday, the designated day for my weekly video. However, I have been indisposed with my sister’s graduation. As a side note, Colin Powell was the speaker at her graduation, and surprisingly, he was quite funny.
So I will amend my slacking by posting my weekly video a bit late. This is of a French rugby player named, Sebastien Chabal. France’s rugby team is shit, however with this guy on the team, I am surprised the opponents don’t forfeit out of fear for their lives. If for some reason my ninja powers failed me, I would definately hire Sebastien as my bodyguard. There is no bullshitting with this guy, he is out for blood.
I saw this video at the end of last week, but today I learned that the second guy Sebastien demolishes broke his jaw, and just had surgery to wire it shut. He is now eating out of a straw. Savage. Goddamn rugby is awesome. Kick his ass, Sea Bass.
Yeah, I know. I have been absent from this blog for the whole week. However, if you want to talk shit then I shall refer you to this, fuck off. I always love when mythical creatures are brought to life. Especially when they kick ass. I just got home from a free show, and I am wasted. I wish I can write something witty, however I am way too fucked up. But, kudos to a free Keller Williams show, and kudos to my friends for being dead sexy.
By the way, somebody should murder the Easter Bunny. He’s the only mammal that can get away with hiding eggs in your house. If you don’t find them in a timely manner, then you are subject to an ass smelling house for the whole year. But after seeing his extracurricular activities, I am not sure I want to fuck with him. The Easter bunny hates you, and I hate you too.
Day after note: Upon viewing this again I must say that putting someone in the sleeper hold in the middle of Times Square is infinitely awesome.
I understand that it is not yet Friday, but I have business to take care of tomorrow. We all know kids are stupid, thus making them easy targets for hilarious hijincks and shenanigans. Cement soccer balls, pure genius. Also, the classic fake leapfrog makes an appearance.
The hilarity of these pranks rises exponentially due to the fact that the kids take obscene running starts before they chew on Mother Earth. There must be rat poison in the water of this town, because it’s hard to be so dense as not to notice that you are about to strike a ball of cement. Faceplants galore!
Stoney Wage Slave 