Well, my plan worked. Everyone is gone and there is nobody to read/write entries. All mine! mwhaahaahaa. Anyway, it’s been awhile and I just wanted to start off by telling everyone that they are gay.
For news, well, I ran into a long lost brother: III dog. I was standing outside of an academic building dreading the fact that I had to go to class and up walks the one the only. But, does everyone know that grad school is for fags? This shit blows and if you ever feel any inclination to lead a more fulfilling life and escape your wage slavery–don’t. Yes, that’s right. You have an eyewitness that is telling you. Live an unfulfilling, selfish life. Work, put in your eight hours, go home, and forget about what hell you just went through. The beauty of work is that you can leave it at the office if you want. Grad school is gay. I’ve actually decided to do my reading for once and now all I do is fucking read. Read, Read, REad. And, some may say, “well, that guy is lucky. He is enlightening his brain and reading interesting stuff.” Well, if you think that is the case you are sorely mistaken. Nothing is interesting in my course of study. I mean, does anyone find gender roles in Antebellum (pre-war) America interesting? No, only man-hating lezzies. Well, I guess I miss not reading cool stuff and listening to people talk about it.
On another note, all the nay-sayer can eat a big fat because the Giants won the Super Bowl. Yep, that’s right, Giants. As for shit-talk for upcoming events, Red Sox are looking to defend their championship. Unfortunately, I’ll be stuck watching the National League suck the big one.
Anyway, I’ve got to go eat dinner at 7 -11. Ahh, the good life.
Today was a big day in the gaming world. As the enormous, all-encompassing Tokyo Game Show is raging on, Halo 3 was unleashed upon the population. See also: massive online complications with Xbox Live.
By all accounts Halo 3 is what has been expected. An unbeatable multiplayer experience with a good (not great) campaign mode. However, the adequate campaign mode will get a pass from most gamers, seeing as most people will be playing the newest installment of Halo with friends, online or off. See also: massive alcohol consumption, shit talking, and plummeting grades.
Nothing can stand up to me, Master Chief. Not your mom, girlfriend, social life, or grades.
I have recently become the proud owner of an Xbox 360, yet I did not pre-order a copy of Halo 3. It looks like I will have to wait a couple of weeks before I enter the fray, however I am not worried. I am currently engrossed in Bioshock, and I do not need some other nonsense to take up the minimal free time I have left. See also: me being absent from this shitstem.
Yet, with all the hype surrounding the release of Halo 3, I did not feel the itch to quickly grab myself a copy. Everytime I went into the GameStop around the corner to look for a Wii, purchase, or trade in some games, I was constantly assaulted by the sales associates about pre-ordering myself a copy. These motherfuckers can really put a guilt trip on you, especially when you tire of their bullshit and tell them you are not insanely excited about Halo 3’s release. From the looks I was receiving from people in the store that day, I thought I was going to be excommunicated from the Church of Microsoft.
Welcome to GameStop. How can we obliterate your bank account today?
Despite the looks I receive from most gamers, I really was not excited about Halo 3’s release. I will buy the game, and I am positive I will enjoy myself immensely, yet I did not feel I needed to have it right away. There are two games for the 360 however, that I will be going apeshit over, and will be purchasing the day they are released.
ASSASSIN’S CREED
This game will be released this Novemeber, and it is being made by UbiSoft, the geniuses who brought my beloved Prince of Persia into the modern gaming age. From initial accounts, Assassin’s Creed takes a lot of platforming (e.g. puzzle solving, wall climbing, environmental traversing) aspects from Prince of Persia and makes them better and more fluid. If you have never played Prince of Persia, that is no easy feat.
Futhermore, this game is set during the Crusades in Jerusalem; an often overlooked time period in gaming. According to UbiSoft, the combat system features over 14,000 different animations in which you can maneuver your character. Not too much is known about the story, but I am extremely excited to get a hold of this game, and see what the minds at UbiSoft have created for a Crusades style assassin game.
NINJA GAIDEN II
If you have not played Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox, shame on you. Shame, shame. I got the first Ninja Gaiden the day it came out in 2004, and I still cannot put it down. I have beaten a bunch of times, and have even bought the re-release which threw faster, more challenging enemies at Ryu Hayabusa. There is not much more I can say about this game other than it is easily my favorite game in the last 15 years.
Naturally, with this kind of admiration for the first, I am eagerly awaiting the sequel. Today I have seen the first video of gameplay from the Tokyo Game Show, and….WOW. WOW. The gameplay is fluid and beautiful as ever, and while I thought the graphics of the first already looked like the they were being churned out by the 360, I was amazed to see the strides made with this sequel. And oh yes, it is much more grusome than the maddeningly grusome first, next generation installment.
For those loyal readers, you will remember many times on this blog I refer to my ninja alter ego, ninja powers, or ninja activities; Ninja Gaiden is the inspiration for all that nonsense. The other Stonies used to bust my balls about my love for Ninja Gaiden, however Stoney has recently become hooked on this game while in LA. If he ever gets enough wiggle room in his weed budget and buys a 360, I am sure this will be the only game he will buy.
Behold, the greatest game that will ever be on the 360. That’s right, fuck off Halo 3.
It is a bit long at 9 minutes, but I assure you, once Ryu starts dismembering and eviscerating, you will hardly notice the time going by.
If you own an Xbox 360 by the time this game is released next year, PICK IT UP. It is a challenging (really challenging), fast, fun game in an era when these games are becoming rarer. Oh sorry Dank, I know you wouldn’t mind buying about the millionth World War II game to be released.
Twitch, I didn’t want to do it, but I had to. Your butt-sex post is TOAST, despite good readership and high commentage. I appreciate your quality and style, but I must refer you to my 2nd blog post, and then the 2nd riznule. That’s right, sucka, Lady T is finally getting you back for the Drawing Room headlock episode. I might add that this is a pre-emptive edit, if that makes you feel better.
Like I’ve said before…
We Are In Control Here
Anyway, old buddy, I hope you aren’t too mad that I ultra-edited your flagrant bullshit. Dink! Maybe you can think of something else to write about than your naked misadventures…although I know it could be hard to do.
As a tribute to you, I dedicate this post to you, and your deceased 2nd post.
To waking up in the middle of a night to screams of, “I fucking killed somebody! I fucking killed somebody! Holy shit I fucking killed somebody!”
To Laredo and Nuevo Laredo.
To your discovery of the Drawing Room, and subsequent adventures.
To my continued physical dominance of your weak, pathetic martial arts.
Update: Free Speech wins again…but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Please, Please, Please check out the second video as well. It is the best. They’re building the army.
And…
russia’s new bomb
And a little local news…
the tree climbing dog.
now for something pretty good. sorry no substance. i’m supposed to have a task here any hour now, so i can’t get writing. I figured i’d just post videos like our laughably lauded loser blog poster, roughty.
Well, neophytes, mongloids, troglodytes, and our readers, ol’ dank has done it again–
Er got it done for him by his friends. You are now reading the words of a future ex-masters student sure to be defamed and broken by the iron hand of american higher education. Well, by iron hand, i more like mean crippled grip that lets the waste of the future generation slip through its fingers and into the bowels of bullshit. I must tell all you little stonies that if your heart desires titles, respect, publishing outlets, and degrees in higher higher education simply wait for your good buddy to do it and then ride his coat-tails. This is the stoney way. It goes back to the beginning of time and only the savage can guiltlessly ride the wave of others’ success and call it their own.
Stoney himself cheated his balls off of my econ exam one time for a 65. Except he was too lazy to do it well and fell short of my 66. Then we walked 20 yards out the door and convinced ourselves that tests are illegitimate (arguable) and that tests aren’t real (even more likely) and neither is the world–all over a big fat boombalatty.
Roughty is currently in his seventh year and is a sophomore. Twitch, never went to school because he could not tear himself away from his mother’s teat and has been home-schooled for fear his mothers always says-quote-They’re all gonna laugh at you. Suit, well Pet World here we come. I think we gotta get a few piles of dog food for me to lay on while you take care of the bidnaz. I’ll just write some poetry and sneak you cigaweeds in the back by the dumpsters.
Well, I’m still sitting here at work waiting for somebody to tell me what to do. This will be my eighth consecutive hour of waiting for directions while i get paid for this bloggity blogerfification. I just want to let you all know that you can pursue graduate work by never going to class, never reading books, never staying awake when there, never stopping smoking weed, never trying, and always, always giving it your worst.
another moronic uninformed post by stoney below. if he had any knowledge of the game last night, he would know that eli manning was just about the only thing happening in the game for the giants besides plaxico burress and amani toomer. oh yeah, third stringer derek ward looked fucking good as hell too. Eli Manning went 29-40 with 312 yards, threw 4 tds and one interception. Detractors must know that the interception returned for a touchdown was caused by the venerable plaxico burress, 3 tds and 120+ yards, losing his footing on a comback route.
Stoney however, prolly does not know what a comeback route is. I must blow up this idiotic attack on Roughty and I’s NY Giants. I was called late last night to talk about whatever it is we stoneies decide to poop out of our mouths at any given moment. i informed the said fairweather flan, as in without much substance, i had watched a dissapointing loss by the Giants. He exclaimed, “oh, i was watching a little bit of that”. Now, to my surprise, Stoney was actually watching a sporting event. I was not surprised that he did not watch much of it. You see, dear readers, Stoney has the attention span of a pre-geico caveman and the patience of a snarling rabid dog. He watches sports only to be one of the ‘boys’ and plug is whiny vagina for a few brief moments with acceptance and masculinity.
Anyone who watched the game, even briefly, with the slightest knowledge of football (mine is certainly slight due to my entrenched knowledge of the world’s game and america’s past time) would have recognized the categorical breakdown of the vagiants defense. This is been the problem for the last two years, none so evident as a night when the offense looked great. If anyone wants another reason why they sucked, just look at the blank face of Tom Coughlin. The team is beyond his control, but luckily Eli has manned up and taken responsibility as a quarterback. The defense however, is weak and lost. Not to detract from the natural ability of Tony Romo, but the secondary (that is everyone but the linebackers and o-line, stoney) is swiss cheese and has been for awhile. Nonetheless, the Giants will still be the best team ever to play in history and will overcome not only its own obstacles of disorganization, motivation, and injury, but crush the critics of crass cantankerousness. Now, onto the original motive of my coming out of retirement.
wait, one more, tiki barber retired, stoney. his brother is still playing for your team.
‘Your Team’ a quick rundown of Stoney’s ‘teams’.
Baseball-Yankees, when they win; Dodgers for a sense of belonging
NHL- Red Wings
NFL- Colts, Pats, Bucs,
Soccer-Brasil
if ever unsure, check the column marked ‘w’ and pick the top one.
To completely emasculate my dear brother, stoney, I must reveal that the ammunition for his uninformed attack came from yours truly. Before abruptly ending our conversation on his own terms, he double-checked the primers on his shit-talking munitions asking, “so it was the Giant’s defense?” So, not only was his misinformation blatantly retarded, but also totally gay. Next time Stoney, don’t smoke dope in the proverbial munitions storehouse.
On a side note, Twitch, you never staked your claim for your ‘team’.
The list goes:
Stoney-Bucs
Suit- the one with the fastest black man
Roughty- hometown Foreskins
Dank-Giants and any team with fast black men, especially qb’s.
Twitch-?
Thanks for reading, readerous readers, you’re a loser if you think we’re cool.
This message brought to you by the following:
YO, JOE!
Who’s ready to get drafted?
Sincerely,
Finally getting paid to do this like you guys. Done 20 minutes of work today.
this is the first week of school. fucking worst. doing all the work for none of the money as… per… usual. worst. oh well, as we all know, the first week of fall semester means one thing above all others — girls with tans in their fresh threads. yup that’s right. all over the place. william and mary had dorky ass tanned chicks in fresh threads. when you saw them, you were like, “hey, how did that roast turkey escape from the window of boston market?” now, i’m at a dif. place and the ladies are way dif. way hotter and… wait for it… younger.
you know it’s bad, but it feels so right. my mind’s telling me no but my body, my body’s telling me ye-e-es. (if you don’t know this line from the classic rkelly song, i’ll bet you had zero darkies in your whole high school. yup.) so, that’s what school’s about. sitting here and working and staring at 18-yr old girls… sad and deplorable, i know, but it’s what i’ve been reduced to and, truth be told, i’ll bet you fucks would do the same goddam thing. uh-huh.
braves are playing terribly. i think i’m going to have to say that this may not be their year. i hate to be pessimistic, but i don’t want to fool myself either. they’ll have two great games, and then 2 terrible games. they need starting pitching, and they don’t have it. it’s a shame, but i’m taking the long view. if they don’t win it all this year, it’ll make it that much better when they do win it — next year. just the same, with 30 games left, they’re only a few games out of the WC and the Divis., so hope is not lost just yet. nearly lost, but not quite lost completely.
the mets are fucking terrible. i hate everyone on their gay team. i hate their black coach (not cuz he’s black, though), and i hate their speedy baserunners. i hate the mets and i hope their plane crashes. i’m dead serious when i say this. nothing would make me happier than if omar manaya, jose reyes, carlos beltran and david wright got run over by a bus and then gored by a bull right in their respective junks. seriously. they’re so bad, and i hate them. good thing they’re getting destroyed by the phillies every night this week on my tv! pla-zow!!
speaking of soooo bad, i hate the red sux. dankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, you know better than to think they were winners. now, it’s crunch time, and manny has gotten some “injury” (aka yeast infection) and papi is too busy looking like a black and even more deformed andre the giant to hit homeruns. … … this is me trying to think of some other redsux to make fun of… … … wait a minute… … … they got nobody else. their team is made up of two power hitters and a million other foreign or geriatric also-rans. i hate the redsux, and they’re getting their just deserts by getting destroyed by the YANKEES two games in a row. bla-zam!! a-rod can hit, and manny and papi should learn something about class from him.
i got a fantasy football team, and i’m in a pickle. i am in a league with several of my professional superiors. this is fine, but i know more about football than them, so i’m torn between letting them win for the guan-shi (aka asskissing) or beating them back to the stone age just cuz i can. i think the former sounds more likely, but i haven’t decided. my team includes, among others, the following destroyers:
“Fast” Willie Parker —
Clinton Portis —
Alge Crumpler —
Tom Brady —
and many more villainous football rascals. get ready for a season of destruction, i’ll say to all who challenge me. i prefer baseball but have no problem embarrassing anyone who asks for it on the gridiron as well.
what i’m really looking forward to about football season is a) colder weather and b) fishing. the summer sucks cuz it’s hot and it’s hard to make the fish bite. when it gets a little cooler, i’ll get back to my main aquatic pastime, and then the deluge of fishing pictures will begin anew. prepare yourselves while there’s still time.
two nights ago, i broke off my toof. it broke off fo rizzeal. for the previous three days i had thought i had something between a couple of my teef, and i had been flossing like a mad man. then, the other night i was eating some delicious pretzels (honey mustard and onion flava) and felt something strange. i had broke off (and subsequently injested) by own toofus. it was delicious as it, too, was coated with the honey mustard and onion flava’d powder, but when i put my tongue into my toof’s former place of residence, i felt nothing but a terrible sink-hole. my toof was, how shall i say this, gonnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! it was so freaking scary. i was so freaked out. i thought my whole head was going to implode or something, and i’m almost sure it had nothing to do with how blazed i was. just the same, i went to the dentist the next day, and he told me that i had to get a crown… so i did… now i have spent 800 bizones, and i feel nobetter than i did with my old (obviously flawed) toof. this brings me to the main point of this paragraph. i have no idea what dentists are all about. on the one hand, i think it’s good to take care of this stuff before it gets out of hand (as in this particular case) but at the same time, why would you go to the dentist if your toofuses don’t hurt? after all, if it ain’t broke… (you can finish this sentence, surely). in my case, it was broke. it being my toof. and now it’s back. i have a dynamic, space-age toof now, and i will chomp the fingers of anyone who questions my oral hygiene. fyi, this is what a crown looks like
don’t question me when i say that i will verily chomp upon your fingers with my radioactive toof of fury.
last topic for the day — blogs. i was teaching class, and one of my students was saying, “well, you can’t believe anything you read on blogs anyway.” i replied, “sure you can. you just have to read the right blogs.” this was my gut reaction, and i would stick with it. blogs are only as reliable as those who write them. in our case, i think this is a bit different. we don’t write this shit because we want to convince people that we are a) smart or b) cool. in fact, most of the time, these blogs are dedicated to our real loserocity. this is, i think, what makes our blog different from the blog-herd currently polluting the web. everyone else is out there preaching about this or that important issue but really saying very little that matters at all. we are talking about pegasii, tv shows, fake marriages, and other meaningless, non-sensical bullshit, but at least what we’re saying means something to us. i mean, at least when stoney writes something, he knows roughty, twitch, dankklkkkiel and i will like it. when i write something, i know they will like it. when roughty writes something, he knows we’ll like it. when dankkkkkkkkkkkkkk writes something, he thinks that we’ll like it, (and though he’s usually wrong, we like him anyways sometimes). so, my point is that dankkkkkkkkkkkkiel is cool even though his blogs are not, and we are all losers who write the worst, best blog in the galaxy. just kidding. this blog sucks, and nobody should ever waste their time reading or writing anything for this crap-chunk.
Comcast, in its infinite wisdom, has deemed it necessary to remove HBO from my TV. Ever since The Sopranos series finale, HBO is only offered to those with digital cable. Weak.
However, while I still had HBO I saw previews for their new shows, John from Cincinnati and Flight of the Conchords. Like many people I thought, “Hmm, these can’t be as good as HBO staples like OZ, The Wire, or even The Sopranos.” Thus, I cast them off because I knew I would not be able to view them once Comcast digitally castrated me.
Last month though, a good friend of mine – who has digital cable, and HBO – asked me to come to her place to watch Flight of the Conchords; she thought I would enjoy it. And man, she was right.
Let’s get a little background information on these guys first, before I detail the show. Flight of the Conchords is the name of a folk comedy duo (Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement) from New Zealand. What’s folk comedy you ask? It is picking up an acoustic guitar and singing comedic songs, or having comedic banter while picking. Think of Dmetri Martin when he abandons the oversized pad, and picks up his guitar. Flight of the Conchords was a huge hit in international comedy festivals, and had their own BBC 2 radio show, that served as the precursor to the HBO show. They have been around.
The premise of their HBO show is, their band has come to New York to make it big. However, they struggle to get gigs, are constantly stymied by an inept (but hilarious) band manager, and try to cope with New Yorkers who think they’re British. Sounds like a pretty generic premise. Well, it is. Yet, it is pulled of with brilliant British-style comedy, and they incorporate their comedic folk act into the show. That’s right, they break out into song, rap, reggae, etc multiple times each show, leaving the supporting cast of characters dumbfounded. This show is also great because they don’t film in any studios, everything is filmed in New York city.
I have been warned by Stoney not to put up too many videos because he is worried it will increase page load time, thusly losing a lot of our readers. What a Negative Nancy. Please Stoney, I wrote the Pegasus post, I get some leeway bitch. Let’s start with some of their comedic folk act, shall we? Let’s, because it’s business time.
It is songs like that that they incorporate into their episodes. Don’t like it? Then you should abandon this post because there is more to come. Stoney has written some bullshit on NASA, why don’t you check that out.
The Conchords are not limited to folk music, they can “hip up” their act with some rap stylings. I love the way they bring their songs to life in their show.
Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymnocerous
They also use some outdated special effects and song genres, which leads to more hilarity.
Are you into it?
The Conchords are also very deep, using metaphors for such complex things as love.
Well I will tried to adhere to Stoney’s warning about too many videos…..pffft whatever. Knowing him, most of these videos will be deleted by the end of the day because he is a prick. However, I will leave you with probably my favorite on stage song the Conchords perform. It is like trying to choose my favorite beer, they’re all delicious and fuck me up. Except, “you know who”.
You should feel priveledged to view this song because it was not intended for humans.
The Conchords used this song as the closing credits to one of their episodes. If you would like to see how stand up transfers to TV, check it out. They changed it a little, but the point still gets across. The humans are dead, they used poisonous gasses to poison their asses, and BINARY SOLOS ABOUND!
Hopefully you will get to see all these videos before Stoney chops them. I love Flight of the Conchords, you should too. They have been picked up already for a second season after they have hit it big, which is a lot more than I can say for John from Cincinnati, Suit.
This would have to be the funniest thing I have seen today, maybe even this week. If you go out in public, you most likely have seen what I saw today.
Bravo to the father who came into the restaurant with his little hellian tethered. People let their kids get away with tons of shit, I see it every day. Their deplorable motor skills create messes that I have to clean up, they whine and cry about every minor inconvenience, and their bodies are fluid factories that churn out their product at a rate any respectable company would be in awe of.
Enough of the free pass, brats. These kids have the world at their fingertips because people excuse their mongoloid manners just because they are young. That’s bullshit. Parents shouldn’t have to purchase these leashes or harnesses, they should be paid as an incentive to use them. Slap a few company logos on the leash, or maybe, tattoo, “Pepsi” on your child’s head, just to make a buck and show the kid who is boss.
If your kid starts acting up in public, just give little Billy a swift pull back, not enough to maim him, but enough to get it through his soft skull that that shit will not be tolerated. Personally, I am partial to the retractable leashes. If you are going to discipline your child, why not have fun with it? Let them think they have some tether to work with then, BAM! Lesson learned. Now all we need is a muzzle accessory, and we can keep these monsters at bay.
Stoney Wage Slave 