George Shrub leaving Campaign Headquarters in the middle of the night
He has retracted his bid for the Presidency in the middle of the night, June 1st 2007, under a cloud of public disgrace and failure. It seems the Commander in Chiefing was not prepared for the epic battle between right and wrong. In violating his code of ethics and going back on his campaign promise of outlawing pre-marital sex with life imprisonment, he could no longer vie for the coveted position. His political rivals quickly attacked his questionable morality, unsteadfast inner fortitude, and in old political jargon, his political wishy-washyness. Furthermore, the promise of plasma screen TV’s for every American was quickly dismissed when sensitive financial documents revealed his net worth at $187. Ironically, he spent all of his campaign contributions on phillip morris products, the major soft money contributor to the political slush fund known as the The Committee to Elect a President Who Smokes. It is even rumored that he participated in free expression this past weekend while retreating in the sin filled capitol of Thailand. He claims he will return to his father’s oil farm and redeem his sins through stern lecturing, old-fashioned farm work, and a non-indulgent residence. It is also rumored he invited a one Stoney McStoneystein to join him because of the following’s fondness for stern lecturing.
In the political vaccum created by dropping out of the clear favorite, as shown by the latest poll of the American public, approving nearly categorically of his arch-conservativism, war mongering and supposed morality, I, Lester von Cherrytree, am annoucing my candidacy. I hope the public will support my l****al persuasion in their new found distrust of the right. Published below is my first campaign speech.
It is no longer a time for our fathers to McGovern, We have the responsibility to alter or abolish the old regime a s we see fit for the future. It is a new time, with new dynamics, that requires the trained but untested wills of children entering the grand forum. No longer can we caged by familial reliance, unfounded defiance, or blind contrivance. Only through blistered hands, broken backs, bee sings, and scraped knees will this lingering foreboding be addressed. As children of the Republic we cherished our leaders and teachers. We exceeded their expectations with our own resilience in dealing with the slaughtering of innocence. And as we matured in this world, we were equipped with the instruments needed to understand it’s dynamic. We must love it and care for it before it’s beacon is extinguished.
*edited by the CIA