faultimate! (or, the best of the worst)

roughty, you ran your ass into a tree while trying to wrangle an errant throw from mr stoney. you went all out — ultimate athleticism. you crashed like evil knevil — faulty. hahaha. even the wanna-be-cool-100-dollar-shirt-wearing-barely-able-to-pay-their-rent-venice-beach fuck-o-ramas couldn’t even bring themselves to laugh at you. if i had a video camera, your ass would be the toast of youtube right now. it would look like this:

youtube=roughty_destroying_his_own_self

(not a real link, dummies.)

“yeah, so what’s your point, butt-face?” well, i’ll tell you. this blog is composed of the faultimate citizens of the world. faultimate = faulty/ultimate. faulty = broken or malfunctioning in some or another wise. ultimate = to the maximum extremity of extremocity; not to be surpassed.

sorry that roughty was my poster-child for this description. but before you dickfaces start thinking that you’re not included, don’t worry. you are. i will, forthwith, mention an individual case of your ultimateness and your faultiness — depicted in convenient bite-size stories. i will, of course, include myself, (so danny boy doesn’t have to cry his way to another blog waling, “man, why does everybody have to be so meeeeaaaaannn to me?!”).

stoney, you ass, you were the hook-up master for a little while. you remember? oh yeah. (sorry t.) freshman year, them girls wanted the junk. all it took was one drop of andy roddick’s name, and they came circling about you like so many earring dangling, flashy belt wearing turkey buzzards. let’s all face it. they wanted your johnson… all over them. that, my friend, is ultimate! however, let us not forget to mention the inauspicious occasions. desparation and milwaukee’s best light led to some funny funny situations. how can we forget the ripped jeans girl?! we can’t. she was a laughingstock even before she came crashing to the floor from falling the fuck off robbie mcketta’s bunk! how about that other girl? … the skinny blonde girl with the really pointy nose… you know who i mean. fucking terrible. she was like greg higgins’ girl-piece tina except without the talent and classic beauty. that, sir, is faulty. again demonstrating that this blog is peopled by the faultimate of society. best game, worst scores, stoney. pat yourself on the back, and then give yourself a swirly, you loser.

dankkkkkkkkk, in lieu of a story, i’ll include an image that should say it all. extremely ultimately fucked the fuck up.

yeah, dankkkkkkkkk. faultimate to deff, yo. some people just go insane, but you went ultimately nutso. i can remember stoney giggling, “yo, dankkkk’s craaaazy.” haha. dank, you’re in. the blog was meant for crazy ass psychos like you. enjoy grad school. don’t worry, though. you already saw the local nut-house, and you’re already on the waiting list, so no worries.

tre — (no longer present but worthy of mentioning) some people just skip work. he went on the missing person’s list for like days and days, and his dad came into pet world crying, asking me, “is my son on drugs?!” tre — faultimate. (what’s the etiquette on shittalking somebody who never reads this anymore? sorry, tre. my bad. not deleting it, though.)

drew — do i even have to start? this guy belonged here from the word “go.” blowing lines like it was going out of style and simultaneously intimidating us to pay him 8o bills for a half-g?! faultimate. you’re in, you big nazi-ass mutherfuck.

twitch, i don’t know you like talking about it, so i cannot declare you faultimate. i will assume, though, that you must be. you were friends with stoney, and that alone qualifies you for faultimate status in my book at least. congratulations. you’re among the best of the worst.

stoney’s little shit for brains brother (haganav) — freshman year… yates… fast forward four years… smoking weed in amsterdam… need i say more? no. i needn’t. we’ll be here to welcome you back with open arms when you get extradited back to the usa. (or would that be intradited?)

and last but not least, suityourself. there are so many examples, i don’t know where to begin. robbing the channannello’s for like 350-400 beezies at age 15, eluding the vbpd, only to get hemmed up by my best friend’s parents and made to wash their shitty-ass cars the next day as pennance. kept the money, though. stealing cigarettes and then having a panic attack (my very first one, the start of a long and illustrious friendship) and thinking my heart was going to explode after my first nicotene buzzzz. hitting some guy in the football game so hard he broke some bone and had to get ambulanced away and then, the next day, passing out from a concussion into my salad bowl at the golden corral. these are just a smattering of my faultimate moments. i think i deserve to be among you guys. you’re not wastes of space. you’re ultimate wastes of space. congratulations. let the fantastically worthless blogistry continue uninteruptus.

keep going big. after all, it’s better to burn out than to fade away…

my my hey hey

(wenska’s evil twin.)

Bow to your Master, except Suit, I need a Dr.’s Appointment

Well, neophytes, mongloids, troglodytes, and our readers, ol’ dank has done it again– 
Er got it done for him by his friends.  You are now reading the words of a future ex-masters student sure to be defamed and broken by the iron hand of american higher education.  Well, by iron hand, i more like mean crippled grip that lets the waste of the future generation slip through its fingers and into the bowels of bullshit.  I must tell all you little stonies that if your heart desires titles, respect, publishing outlets, and degrees in higher higher education simply wait for your good buddy to do it and then ride his coat-tails.  This is the stoney way.  It goes back to the beginning of time and only the savage can guiltlessly ride the wave of others’ success and call it their own. 

Stoney himself cheated his balls off of my econ exam one time for a 65.  Except he was too lazy to do it well and fell short of my 66.  Then we walked 20 yards out the door and convinced ourselves that tests are illegitimate (arguable) and that tests aren’t real (even more likely) and neither is the world–all over a big fat boombalatty. 

Roughty is currently in his seventh year and is a sophomore.  Twitch, never went to school because he could not tear himself away from his mother’s teat and has been home-schooled for fear his mothers always says-quote-They’re all gonna laugh at you.  Suit, well Pet World here we come.  I think we gotta get a few piles of dog food for me to lay on while you take care of the bidnaz.  I’ll just write some poetry and sneak you cigaweeds in the back by the dumpsters. 

 Well, I’m still sitting here at work waiting for somebody to tell me what to do.  This will be my eighth consecutive hour of waiting for directions while i get paid for this bloggity blogerfification.  I just want to let you all know that you can pursue graduate work by never going to class, never reading books, never staying awake when there, never stopping smoking weed, never trying, and always, always giving it your worst. 

wha wha what’s this (or) twitch arrives

Thats right folks, the SWS has a new member. As the newest addition I can only hope that my stories don’t suck are as bad (ass) as the rest of these yahoos.

Let’s start off with the hot topic of Religion. Now I don’t want to blow my load all in one place so we’ll start with just one religion, how about Christianity. Christianity is a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Bob Loblaw. There is no god, deal with it.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to look at a fucking cross? -Bill Hicks

school, baseball/football, dentistry and blogistry

this is the first week of school. fucking worst. doing all the work for none of the money as… per… usual. worst. oh well, as we all know, the first week of fall semester means one thing above all others — girls with tans in their fresh threads. yup that’s right. all over the place. william and mary had dorky ass tanned chicks in fresh threads. when you saw them, you were like, “hey, how did that roast turkey escape from the window of boston market?” now, i’m at a dif. place and the ladies are way dif. way hotter and… wait for it… younger.

you know it’s bad, but it feels so right. my mind’s telling me no but my body, my body’s telling me ye-e-es. (if you don’t know this line from the classic rkelly song, i’ll bet you had zero darkies in your whole high school. yup.) so, that’s what school’s about. sitting here and working and staring at 18-yr old girls… sad and deplorable, i know, but it’s what i’ve been reduced to and, truth be told, i’ll bet you fucks would do the same goddam thing. uh-huh.

braves are playing terribly. i think i’m going to have to say that this may not be their year. i hate to be pessimistic, but i don’t want to fool myself either. they’ll have two great games, and then 2 terrible games. they need starting pitching, and they don’t have it. it’s a shame, but i’m taking the long view. if they don’t win it all this year, it’ll make it that much better when they do win it — next year. just the same, with 30 games left, they’re only a few games out of the WC and the Divis., so hope is not lost just yet. nearly lost, but not quite lost completely.

the mets are fucking terrible. i hate everyone on their gay team. i hate their black coach (not cuz he’s black, though), and i hate their speedy baserunners. i hate the mets and i hope their plane crashes. i’m dead serious when i say this. nothing would make me happier than if omar manaya, jose reyes, carlos beltran and david wright got run over by a bus and then gored by a bull right in their respective junks. seriously. they’re so bad, and i hate them. good thing they’re getting destroyed by the phillies every night this week on my tv! pla-zow!!

speaking of soooo bad, i hate the red sux. dankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, you know better than to think they were winners. now, it’s crunch time, and manny has gotten some “injury” (aka yeast infection) and papi is too busy looking like a black and even more deformed andre the giant to hit homeruns. … … this is me trying to think of some other redsux to make fun of… … … wait a minute… … … they got nobody else. their team is made up of two power hitters and a million other foreign or geriatric also-rans. i hate the redsux, and they’re getting their just deserts by getting destroyed by the YANKEES two games in a row. bla-zam!! a-rod can hit, and manny and papi should learn something about class from him.

i got a fantasy football team, and i’m in a pickle. i am in a league with several of my professional superiors. this is fine, but i know more about football than them, so i’m torn between letting them win for the guan-shi (aka asskissing) or beating them back to the stone age just cuz i can. i think the former sounds more likely, but i haven’t decided. my team includes, among others, the following destroyers:

“Fast” Willie Parker —

Clinton Portis —

Alge Crumpler —

Tom Brady —

and many more villainous football rascals. get ready for a season of destruction, i’ll say to all who challenge me. i prefer baseball but have no problem embarrassing anyone who asks for it on the gridiron as well.

what i’m really looking forward to about football season is a) colder weather and b) fishing. the summer sucks cuz it’s hot and it’s hard to make the fish bite. when it gets a little cooler, i’ll get back to my main aquatic pastime, and then the deluge of fishing pictures will begin anew. prepare yourselves while there’s still time.

two nights ago, i broke off my toof. it broke off fo rizzeal. for the previous three days i had thought i had something between a couple of my teef, and i had been flossing like a mad man. then, the other night i was eating some delicious pretzels (honey mustard and onion flava) and felt something strange. i had broke off (and subsequently injested) by own toofus. it was delicious as it, too, was coated with the honey mustard and onion flava’d powder, but when i put my tongue into my toof’s former place of residence, i felt nothing but a terrible sink-hole. my toof was, how shall i say this, gonnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! it was so freaking scary. i was so freaked out. i thought my whole head was going to implode or something, and i’m almost sure it had nothing to do with how blazed i was. just the same, i went to the dentist the next day, and he told me that i had to get a crown… so i did… now i have spent 800 bizones, and i feel nobetter than i did with my old (obviously flawed) toof. this brings me to the main point of this paragraph. i have no idea what dentists are all about. on the one hand, i think it’s good to take care of this stuff before it gets out of hand (as in this particular case) but at the same time, why would you go to the dentist if your toofuses don’t hurt? after all, if it ain’t broke… (you can finish this sentence, surely). in my case, it was broke. it being my toof. and now it’s back. i have a dynamic, space-age toof now, and i will chomp the fingers of anyone who questions my oral hygiene. fyi, this is what a crown looks like

don’t question me when i say that i will verily chomp upon your fingers with my radioactive toof of fury.

last topic for the day — blogs. i was teaching class, and one of my students was saying, “well, you can’t believe anything you read on blogs anyway.” i replied, “sure you can. you just have to read the right blogs.” this was my gut reaction, and i would stick with it. blogs are only as reliable as those who write them. in our case, i think this is a bit different. we don’t write this shit because we want to convince people that we are a) smart or b) cool. in fact, most of the time, these blogs are dedicated to our real loserocity. this is, i think, what makes our blog different from the blog-herd currently polluting the web. everyone else is out there preaching about this or that important issue but really saying very little that matters at all. we are talking about pegasii, tv shows, fake marriages, and other meaningless, non-sensical bullshit, but at least what we’re saying means something to us. i mean, at least when stoney writes something, he knows roughty, twitch, dankklkkkiel and i will like it. when i write something, i know they will like it. when roughty writes something, he knows we’ll like it. when dankkkkkkkkkkkkkk writes something, he thinks that we’ll like it, (and though he’s usually wrong, we like him anyways sometimes). so, my point is that dankkkkkkkkkkkkiel is cool even though his blogs are not, and we are all losers who write the worst, best blog in the galaxy. just kidding. this blog sucks, and nobody should ever waste their time reading or writing anything for this crap-chunk.

[shit aint working right]
yall know…

Mets fans are lethal

Well, last night snapped the Mets’ four-game winning streak as they lost to the Dodgers, 6-2.  Furthermore, as this was a nationally televised game, the sting was that much more biting.  It’s baseball though, one out of 162 games, no big deal right?  Yeah, in some respects, I suppose. 

Yet, as a die hard Mets fan each loss tortures me a little.  I had just enough booze in my system, and the right mixture of douchebags in the vicinity to morph from my mild-mannered alter ego, into “Roughty”.  “Roughty” will embarass you in front of your girlfriend by ripping your popped collar, yanking out your gelled hair, peeing in your daquiri, then taking her home.  It’s been done before. 

“Roughty” was always the person who was arrested all those times, and lately I have been able to control his presence because I don’t want to go to a Richmond jail a lot more than I like your girlfriend at closing time.  So naturally, I kept him at bay, had a shot, paid my tab, and walked home; all the while cursing under my breath the verbal beratement I was sure to receive from Stoney becuase of his fickle and convenient love of the Dodgers.

But one Queens resident takes Mets losses to heart.  Read.  That is right.  The title is, “Losin’ Mets made me kill my mom”. 

“Michael Anthony, 26, was frustrated with the Mets’ 6-5 loss to the Washington Nationals in the second game of Saturday night’s doubleheader when he started arguing with his father, according to a statement he gave police.”

(File photo of a Mets fan getting ready for a little, ultraviolence)

Ok, I can understand his anger.  I mean, who doesn’t get pissed when their team loses to the Nationals.  They are even worse than the Expos were.  While the Anthony household sounds like a replica of Mayberry, I would venture to guess that Michael and his old man were boozing quite heavily.

“We started fighting and my mother jumped in,” he said, adding that she took a knife from the kitchen of the Fresh Meadows home. “I took the knife from her and it got stuck in her head.”

Once again, seems reasonable.  The Mets just lost to a garbage team, the old man is on his case, and now mom comes leaping in with a goddamn butcher knife.  In my experience, there is no family disagreement that cannot be resolved by brandishing a weapon.  Unfortunately, mom had to ruin the fun and put her head in the way of Michael’s stabbing motion.

“Fischman then fled to the bedroom, where Anthony said he thought she was going for a weapon in a dresser drawer. “I grabbed a weight from the top of the dresser, swung it, hit her and she fell to the floor,” Anthony said.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  The bitch ran into the bedroom after getting a knife stuck in her head?  I know the mothers of Mets fans are known for spewing out superior sons – Spartan mothers come to mind here – but, holy shit.  If I get a knife stuck in my head, I’m cashing in my chips and waiting for my direct flight to Hell.  I will lose the will to fight.  But not this woman.  Unfortunately, her mad dash alarmed her son, who then clobbered the woman (with a knife stuck in her head mind you) to death with his heaviest barbel.

Now, this barbel could not have been more than 5 pounds.  He must not be doing any serious lifting if he feels threatened by his elderly mother, who again, has a fucking knife stuck in her head.  I am a huge Mets fan, but this Michael Anthony is my new hero.  (Bonus points for having two first names).  My only wish is that the AP does a follow up in depth look at how Michael reacts to a Mets loss while watching it at Rikers Island.  I smell a Pulitzer.

METS UPDATE / BRAVES DEMISE

NL East standings as of 8/27/07

NY Mets (73-56): 1st place

Philadelphia Phillies (67-62): 6 games behind

Atlanta Braves (67-64): 7 games behind

THE BRAVES ARE TOAST.

CHIPPER JONES UPDATE:

Hey Suit, you know how you love that ass grabbing jerk-off, Chipper Jones so much?  Well guess what he named his son?  Shea.  That’s right, Shea.  As in Shea Stadium, home of the Mets.  Seems like he wishes he was playing somewhere else.  But fuck him, we don’t want his bullshit. 

There there, Suit.  I know it’s sickening.

there’s nothing i can add…

… to roughty’s masterful la blog.  absolutely nothing omitted that i feel worth mentioning.  in fact, he went into detail in places i would have left out completely — namely, my vomiting incident.  you loyal readers (who are apparently enthralled with pegasii {search term}) had grown accustomed to seeing me stone sober, cradling lovely trout, perch and bass in my adept fishing (and masturbating{search term}) arm.  this is only half the real suityourself.  the other half is the drunken, light-weight puking on stoney’s roof.  by the way, i doubt seriously that stoney has bothered to drag a hose up there and wash that shit off.  hope those infamous la pigeons were hungry for roast beef sandwiches, bong ashes, whiskey, coca-cola and half-digested xanax(sp?) {search term} pills, cuz that’s what they are eating off the roof right now.

did i say there was nothing i can add to roughty’s blog?  well, nearly nothing.  i would feign go into some detail about the culture — if it can so be called — in los angeles, califreakia.  let me start (as i do every day) with the weed sitch.  it is, as i stated earlier, all true.  you can buy it if you have a prescription.  i don’t have a prescription, so i could get busted out there as easily as i could right here in good ole virginny.  stoney, on the other hand, is immune.  he’s legit.  too legit, in fact, to quit.  leave it to the rich blond fucker to have all the luck that the rest of us working men (just me) really deserve.  i have these pictures of ornately arranged bongs {search term}, blunts {search term}, rolling papers {search term} and big, fat, kine bud nuggets {search term} that i should post as soon as possible.  not today.  no camera.  you can continue to wait in vain.  the weed is chron-drizzle-fo-shrizzle.  the youngsters out there are just how they were when george harrison {search term} described them some 40 years ago.  dropouts and losers.  while sir roughtonious and i were traversing the boardwalk one morning, we walked past this band of raggidy fucks who were between the ages of 16 and 22, probably.  they were “protesting” in some way i guess.  they all had some shitty cardboard signs that read, “give me money for prescription weed!”  these busted-ass looking fuckers all had some mangy white-boy dreads {search term}.  you know the kind.  they’re dreaded at the ends, but just real teased-looking nearer to the scalp.  this is because white boy hair doesn’t naturally dread.  you have to either put some wax or something in it or work really hard at it consistently for a long while (see Dankkkkkkkkkk’s dreads from long long ago), and these kids had either run out of wax or motivation, cuz they had these fucked up looking dreads, and coupled with their sweat-stained, tie-dyed greatful dead {search term} t-shirts, they suited out as one of the mottliest crews i’d ever seen.  i smirked at one of them (see “pffffft,” and he asked me for a dollar.  news flash, asshole, if you can’t afford a weed-card, you’re most definitely not going to have the money to support your fledgling tree-habit.  here’s an idea for you.  try cutting that shit off your head, taking whatever money you begged so far and buy a new shirt.  after that, how about getting a job?  this has been the bit about the youth culture.  i didn’t see too many other “kids” around.  most of them were either sleeping under cardboard boxes on the street or eating at restaurants where appetizers cost 400 beezies.  needless to say, i did not fall into either category.

now for a little bit on the rest of the society out there.  service industry is made up almost entirely of mexicans.  as i said before, the kids are either filthy rich or lazy as shit and worthless in both cases.  this leaves a huge void in the marketplace for service industry people — people who know how to work for a dollar even if it means messing up that fresh hair-do or breaking a nail.  mexicans fill this void.  yussir.  all the mexicans i saw were pretty nice to me.  i didn’t try to bust out the spanish on them.  i’m sure they get that enough from tourists just like me, so i just grinned at some of them, exposing my yellowing teeth and my blazed-out red eyes.  surprisingly, lots of them grinned back.  i am not the most sophisticated guy on the block, but i think their grins were, in general, sincere.  could it be that they were happy to be in america and making those big green american dollars?  i dunno.  i like to think so, but who knows?  maybe they just thought if they grinned at them, i’d give them some money or something.  maybe they thought i was a movie star…  yeah, that’s probably it.  yup, that’s the one i’m going with.  as far as other people in the la working world, i didn’t really see many.  again, most of them are either much too rich or much too poor to be seen in any of the places i visited.

a note on commerce in la, they have pretty much the same type of stores there that we have here.  grocery stores, liquor stores, clothing stores, drug stores, electronics stores, home furnishings stores, etc.  as always, some of these places are over-priced, and some are more reasonable.  however, the most reasonable one out there was much more expensive than the most over-priced on in virginia.  likewise, the cost of living is steep.  housing is hardly affordable, even for two gainfully employed folks like roughty’s and my hosts — stoney and lady t.  just like nyc, la is a place i’d love to live so long as i was dirty-rich.  for regular middle-class people, it’s a nice place to visit.

the physical environment was everything i had hoped for in some ways but not as cool as i had hoped in other ways.  temperature was perfecto!  never too hot.  sun always shining.  cool in the morning and evening.  perfect.  sandy beaches and lovely palm trees.  some good looking women — maybe a slightly better ratio than virginia.  however, i didn’t get to see too much of the country, not-developed areas as i had hoped.  i know they exist, because when we went to the greek theater, it was sick-to-deff.  lots of wildlife possibilities and such.  i feel like cali. is as wild as they say, but i just didn’t get a chance to see it.  we stayed in the suburbs of the concrete jungle.  next time, i plan to check out all the wild places and make a better judgment after that.  as far as animalia goes, i saw some lizards, some pigeons and sea-gulls, a bunch of dogs, a cat inside a window, a crazy shark/ray and that is about it.

enough, for now, on la.  now onto more pressing matters — baseball.

 

braves {search term}are poised and ready to strike out at roughty’s shitty mets (who blew the hell out of that 5 run lead roughty alluded to in an earlier post).  dankkkkkkkkkkkkkkk’s redsux are pulling the usual choke-job.  stoney’s dodgers have fallen off a little bit.  the rest of you need to pick a fucking baseball team, cuz you’re missing out on the best season in generations.  get ready, because in two weeks i’m going to be writing about how my beloved braves are in first place and roughty’s favorite player has broken his leg or sustained an equally devastating injury.  all i hope is that pedro martinez gets called up to the bigs soon.  i cannot wait to see him get shelled by the big bats of the atl braves.  it’s going to be dangerous for him, though, so roughty ought to kneel down and say a prayer that pedro doesn’t get killed by a line-drive off chipper’s bat.

speaking of sports, stoney has been awfully silent lately about

michael vick {search term}.  maybe he feels bad for always being such a fucking racist who hates all black people.  he should.  michael vick has been framed, and everyone with half a brain knows it.  it’s just that the white man can’t stand a talented black man having any money, so they’re framing him.  michael vick is the shit. 

 

if he gets suspended, he’ll just go into seclusion for a couple years and work on his skills like luke s. did in one of the star wars {search term} movies with yoda on degoba.  after this, he’ll just have to win three superbowls instead of the 2 he was planning on before.  there’s no way he’s going to jail, and if he does, i can smell a “longest yard” three-quel.  yall need to stop being jealous of michael vick.  just because you’re racist doesn’t make him guilty.  if i were vick’s attorney, i would use the self-defense ploy.  after all, pits are dangerous.  

 

“if mike got bit, you must acquit.”

now, back to one of my fav. topics — john from cincinnati.  as i mentioned before, the show takes place in one “IB.”  imperial beach is the southwestern-most city in the united states.  i thought maybe it was in la, but no.  it’s nearer to san diego, i guess.  no wonder stoney and the rest of his idiot friends had no idea what the fuck i was talking about.  anyways, the show’s first season is over.  the finale was anti-climactic, to say the least.  in fact, it was close to a let-down.  no secrets revealed, no aliens, no death, no jesus christ, no nothing, really.  just dylan mckay and zach morris dicking it up like they did in the early 90s.  they are setting us up for a second season, so i hope the numbers allow this to happen.  john from cincinnati is the best show you’ve never seen.  trust me.  how about one more clip just for good measure?

(look close for zach and dylan)

peace out squabblerinos.

Pegasus, Dank, L.A. and other reflections.

I feel like it is some time for reflection. I have just returned home with beer in hand from the corner store, just narrowly missing a vicious storm blowing through Richmond. This is the long awaited L.A. post, however I will begin with a few thoughts about the course this blog is going.

As Stoney has alluded to many times in the previous weeks, my Pegasus post is kicking ass on searches and page views. It’s cool that people are coming to the site, but Stoney and I have come under fire from the other Stonies for whoring out for page views. This cannot be further from the truth. This blog was started as a venue for Stoney and I to bullshit with, but shortly turned into a way for the four of us to have fun and keep in touch when we cannot see each other everyday like old times.

That is all well and good, but we have abandoned that principle, and somewhere along the line the bickering started, like it did so many times during school. We always got over it before, and I have no doubt we will do it again. Let’s get this straight, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. I’m tired of the bickering.

Furthermore, we have been ganging up on Dank lately, and I will be the first to extend the olive branch. The Stonies all know of the phone conversation I had with Dank last week, and let’s be honest, Dank needed a kick in the ass. I said it, it’s done. Let’s leave Dank alone. For this to work, Dank, you need to thicken your skin homey and not take everything so personally. You have known us long enough, we’re assholes, we’re sarcastic, it’s time you take that into consideration before getting bent out of shape and making rash decisions.

Damn. Sorry for that diatribe dear readers, but we need to get this wounded ship back on course. We will get over this little hump, we have done it many times before, and I am sure we will do it again.

I have been thinking about what I can say about the Stoney reunion in LA for some time now. However, whenever I envisioned how I would describe the experience of seeing two of my best friends for the first time in two years, it never sounded right. I decided it was time to just sit down and write, no matter the outcome. I love the sound of the rain hitting my windows, I am watching the Mets on my computer as I write (they are up 5-0), the Braves are losing 4-2 on the boob tube, and I just cracked my next beer. If there is a better time to write, I don’t know when that will be.

So, will things be different with us upon the reunion, or will it be boozing and smoking as always…

I have arrived, the Venice Beach sign in the background…

Here are some reflections on my recent LA experience:

Car rental companies WILL fuck you in the ass. Maybe I am being unfair to LA, seeing as this was my first experience renting a car. But fuck Thrifty. Suit and I were expecting to split our car at the quoted price of $289, yet upon receiving the bill, it had inexplicably increased over 100% to a whopping $619. That’s bullshit. Letters to my Congressman and the California Chamber of Commerce are pending.

The Drawing Room will fuck you up. Now this place is a bar. It’s dark, has shitty (literally) bathrooms, has a seedy crowd of people who tell the best stories, and the drinks are tall, stiff, and CHEAP. Enough said.

Forget playing darts in LA. This shit blew my mind. There are no, I repeat, NO dart boards in LA. What is a drunken Irishman supposed to do with his time? I can understand the reasons behind not giving out free, sharp objects to boozed up degenerates, but where does LA get the nerve? Do you guys think you are more dangerous than any other major city in America? Please.

Yeah yeah, you can argue that I can use those plastic electronic dart boards, but fuck that. You can take those darts and shove them right up your ass.

You want to see a fight? Go to the dog park. Don’t go to Compton, or Long Beach if you want to see a fight. All fights start at the Venice Beach dog park. Seriously. No, seriously. I witnessed threats of bashing in illegally parked cars, and the always common, “I’m gonna fucking strangle you if you can’t control that dog” threat.

Dogs also love to fight there…

Oh yeah, and hot, slightly older women with small dogs will hit on you and your camera skills at the dog park. Or maybe that’s just me…

The dog park is a haven for drinking and smoking of all kinds. As you can tell, we spent a lot of time at the dog park with Stoney’s mutts. But you better believe we were never far from our beer, cigarettes, or trees.

Trees will spontaneously sprout out of nowhere when you are chasing a frisbee. We Stonies always loved throwing the frisbee around in Williamsburg, so naturally it was an activity that needed to be addressed while in LA.

However, in my effort to catch an errant toss from Stoney, apparently a tree materialized out of nowhere. I wrecked the shit out of the fence, but never lost my composure, and didn’t even hit the ground after a head on collision.

Suit’s new arch nemesis is the LA rooftop. Poor, poor Suit. He had no idea what he was getting himself into on the first big night of boozing and blunting. Let’s view a progression of Suit’s night shall we?

It was not looking good after a day of getting fucked up and eating cheesebugers.

BAM! Sorry, Suit. You knew this little golden nugget was going up, you were warned. This is classic not only because it is a perfect picture of the incident, (notice the culprits here- Budweiser and cigarette) but because Suit NEVER gets fucked up to the point of selling Buicks like this; or he never let us see it before.

Suit, you are toast.

Apparently, 411 is not a taxi service. We had just gotten blazed at the Sonic Youth concert at the Greek Theater in North Hollywood. Walking the mile back to the car at the Drawing Room was not an option. Stoney then proceeds to take my phone, call 411, and yell, “Yo, we’re at the Greek Theater…pick us up!” You can only imagine his surprise when the operator hung up on him. See also: Stoney spouting expletives at the operator as he was dumbfounded to why she hung up on him.

The “Macho Burrito” will end your night. We dines at Campos Taco many times, as it was around the corner, and the prices were right. But after a day in the day, drinking and stinking, the Macho Burrito put this humble Irishman out of commision; along with Stoney’s toilet.

Breakfast beers are essential to the start of any day. This has nothing to do with LA, this is essential whereever you are. But I have a picture of the first breakfast beer of the vacation.

Skaterboarding/riding bikes down Venice Beach to get to bars in Santa Monica is a lot more fun that you can imagine. Being in LA, even though I hate the sun, it would be a waste of time to stay indoors. It was fun to get out and check the local freakshow, and get a little bit of exercise.

However, I got more exercise than I bargained for. First of all, because Stoney…

…got too fat. And I…

…smoke too much. Stoney had the great idea to skitch a ride on the back of my bike while he was riding his skateboard. For those of you who don’t know, that is me doing all the work as Stoney grabs the back of my bike seat and coasts down Venice. Tough work over the course of almost 2 miles.

I would much rather ride my…

…than have to go through the torture of pulling Stoney’s fat ass again.

Stoney’s dogs love me MUCH more than him. It’s true Stoney, don’t deny it. Those bitches curled up with me every night, and would fight over who gets the best spot in bed with me. Niiiiice.

Ralph’s will make all your dreams come true. For those Lebowski fans out there, you will remember The Dude’s, Ralph’s card as his only form of ID. This is where Suit and I picked up all our groceries, and are now full fledged members.

Lady T is a master photographer. Most of these pictures were taken by Lady T. I generally don’t like taking pictures, or carrying around my camera for photo ops. It just seems fake and coerced to me. Lady T is the opposite, so I let her have free reign over my camera.

Now THAT is a scowl readers. So god damn sexy Lady T.

We suck at skateboarding, but at least we try. There was a lot of skateboarding in Stoney’s alley. Stoney has a better feel for the board, and more balance with it. Yet, while standing still, I can get off the ground, and even flip the board from time to time. I chewed pavement pretty hard one night, and my legs was sore for the next two weeks because I cannot skateboard drunk (or sober apparently).

Two female dogs WILL hump each other. It was comical on the first day, then it just got a little ridiculous with the amount of lesbian canine humping going on.

Dodgers Stadium WILL fuck you up. Holy dogshit, Batman. It was viciously hot at the Mets game. We were in Row A on the second tier on the first baseline, just sitting, and baking. The combination of beer, greasy Dodger food, being stoned, and hiking a mile up the stairs almost made Stoney pass out at the game. And of course, the only game we go to in the four game series, the Mets lose. Worst.

Stoney and I are still dead sexy.

Here are a few more random pictures of our reunion.

See that light? That’s Stoney’s apartment from the dog park. Just one block from the Pacific Ocean readers.

Well there it is. The long awaited tour of our reunion. Great times had by all, and we can’t wait for Stoney and Lady T to make it to the east coast, slackers.

god damnit stoney!

you pansy! 

dankkkkkkkkk will be the first to tell you that you’re not in touch with your feelings, and i actually agree with his hyper-girly perspective on this issue. 

clearly, your poor little feelings were bruised by the fact that i (def. not dankkkkkkkkk) have a job and do not always have time to meet in this blogariffic “clubhouse” to talk about girls and tv shows and ganga-weed and funny sports bloopers and scientology and celbrities and the rest of the endless string of drivvvvvvle.  rather than just saying that your poor little feelings are bruised, you flew off the handle and threatened another choppulation.  this, sir, is not appropriate.  you don’t always have to chop people who piss you off (dankkkkkk and suit) — or move to the other side of the country from them (jack, kay and kstack) — or write blogs about how terrible they are.  follow dankkkkkkkkk’s advice; get in touch with your emotions.

search your feelings, luke.  you know it to be true.

the truth is that you are scared of being alone in the blogosphere.  rather than risk fading out and blowing away like so much sawdust, you alienate dankkkkkkkkk and suit and simultaneously corral roughtonious into a homosexual electronic embrace. 

you should know by now that the firm foundation on which the wageslave was built (ie — roughty and suit) has been holding this entire structure together since minute one of hour one of day one of month one.  what the hell was supposed to happen when you were xan’ed out at work?  and in key west?  and drunk at home?  i’ll tell you what happened.  roughty and suit (and some other hangers-on) picked up the slack.  stoneywageslave was wounded, and we bandaged its wounds, gave it a pat on the head and sent it on its way better than it was before your slack-ass crumbled into oblivion.

in short, stoney, you should be ashamed of yourself for disgracing the blog.  further, you should pray to everything you hold holy that when all of my loyal readers read that you were chopping me, that they didn’t pack up their trucks and move on to search for their suityourself fixes in the nether regions of the web.  you’re treading on thin ice, son, and you better get down on your knees and grovel.

as far as dankkkkkkkk goes, i suggest that you limit him to pics only.  his pics are often flavorful, but his text is rarely intelligible.  it’s been a few years since william and mary, so the humongous words he frequently busts out are no longer as impressive to me as they once were.  i need more of the old dankkkkkkkkkkk — dumb ass yankee-land stories and weed smoking adventure tales…  no more coup d’etat, and surely no more feaux-candidacies.  my advice — stick to pics. 

now dankkkkkkkkk, as you read these words (and i know you’re gonna) please do the right thing.  don’t give me the legendary dankkkkkk cold-shoulder.  rather, take my advice for what it is — sage advice from a worthy counselor…  think of it as…

well…

i dunno…

something like this…

holy gospel.  that’s what it is.  and you shall address it as such or risk fury of heaven (kempsville).

in other, non-gay-ass-booger-eating-blogger news, the atlanta braves are coming on strong.  here are a few faces that are either already haunting your dreams (roughty) or will shortly appear there (fans of any other non-NL east team).

willie harris

learn something for a change, and read this article.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Harris

yunel escobar

4-4 last night with 3 rbis.  defies logic and play better than the player he’s replacing…

edgar renteria

going for his first ever 200-hit season.

no need to mention the names of the two best perennial braves powerhouses…

walk-off double last night.

roughty, pray he never comes out of his slump.  makes david wright look like a blind t-ball player.

finally, the devastating force behind this year’s championship run — mark teixeira

last note, if this post doesn’t bring in the awesome and super-cool page views you bungholes are so interested in, why don’t you cry about it?!  who gives a shit if johnny joe the startrek dorkus reads this shit or doesn’t?  not me.  it’s not like colin powell, george foreman or dankkkkkkkk’s mom are reading this shit, so why the hell would we give a shit?  get a reality check, o ye worthless blogaholics; this blog is a piece of crap.  denying its pieceofcrapitude is denying the blog of its one real strength.

pu-pu-pu-peace out.

CHOP CHOP

Danknuggets, you are toast.

Suityourself, you are toast.

Both of you bitches have been fucking CHOPPED. Peace the fuck out, assnuggets. I have both the reason and resources to kick you both the fuck off of this weak site. Please allow me to explain.

First, where you at, bitches? No posts, no comments, no LOVE. What is up with that shit? Dank…you quitting the blog because Roughty sassed you a little on the flamboyant nature of your prose…so you quit?? What a joke.

Suit, you haven’t posted a blog since you were in Venice, you lazy fucker. How the fuck hard is it to come up with a goddamn stupid post with your retarded fuck-ass pictures and racist comments? Please.

CHARGES OF CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY AND BLOGIFICATION, BROUGHT AGAINST DANKNUGGETS AND SUITYOURSELF BY KING AND CHIEF PROSECUTOR OF THIS BLOG, STONEYWAGESLAVE, AND BY SENIOR BLOG JURISPRUDENCE EXPERT, ROUGHTY MCROUGHTON.

LIST OF KEY GRIEVANCES AND OFFENSES

1. Lack of content. Neither of you write SHIT. Dank, your last post was over a week ago, and Suit, your last post was almost a month ago. I don’t need to present to you alternatives to time-costly posts, because if you don’t have the motivation to figure out something quick and good, and you can’t find the time to post….then you can’t post at all.

2. Lack of cohesion and group support (both active and inactive). This is a big one. Both of you fucked up big time in different ways, let me break it down.

Suit- yours was an inactive grievance. Through your first offense (no content), you managed to actually commit the 2nd offense. Because you weren’t active in the blog, and you couldn’t come up with a new post every once in a while (not even once a week?), I felt that you were letting us down. Your posts are consistently top-read grade A material….if and when you post. Would your boy Chipper be as great of a player if he only showed up to the game once a month? What about Shaq? It takes commitment, and consistency, to really pull it off. When pulling your “best of”, I was like “is this it?” Weak effort, I know you can do better, and I know you enjoy it…please don’t tell me you can’t find 15 mins to pull out a post. Plllllease.

Dank– yours was an active grievance. Your ill-fated mutiny attempt was merely a facade and attention-grabbing technique. By timing your mutiny to the specific week of my vacation and absence, I sensed a direct attack upon my blog livelihood, and an attempt to divert the blog from its originally intended course. Yes, the mutiny was hilarious, and I consider myself one of the only people who gets your references, style and tone. BUT, asshole, this is my blog, and you are toast for your vile misgrievance.

3. Utter and infinite inferiority to the two reigning blog masters, Roughty and StoneyWageSlave. Yes, I did enjoy each and everyone of both of your posts, even if they were gay, misleading or otherwise worthless. Part of this blog is to be WORTHLESS, and you helped out with your stupid posts. BUT, your posts forever will be considered weak and secondary to the two reigning champs. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. We can talk about pageviews if you want. Suit, I consider you to be the pageview master of the site, despite Roughty’s recent huge advances on his “Pegasus.” Why? because multiple articles you wrote pulled in a shit load of people, not just one. I think that you are operating on a lower mental level than we are, and your low-frequency sentences and such attracted a larger, more retarded audience than I am personally capable of doing. Whereas your Nascar and cheese fries pictures go over nicely with the plebeians, compound sentences and political thought do not go hand in hand with great page views. And Dank, I can’t stress enough how I do appreciate your own politicisms and witticisms, but the fact is, you fucking missed the boat. Again, Dank, I remember you blasting out a whiny baby cry that your best blog ‘hail mary fools of grace’ wasn’t getting proper respect…..but does it really deserve it?

YOU BITCHES ARE BOTH CHOPPED.*

*with the ability to post when necessary. I am not deleting your usernames, like the other CHOPees, because I feel that you do have valuable info to add. You have just been publicly reprimanded for your weak ass bullshit.

PS- Shout out to TWITCH. Get ready to be jealous.

What pretty face did Roughty get to stuff full of food the other day?

live, from venice beach…

… brought to you by the good people at the world wide interwebnet.com, it is my pleasure to bring you the first in what must be a long series of posts regarding the present west-coast excursion.  no pictures this time, as i do not have the apparatus necessary to perform that operation.  rest assured, though, that pictures will be on their way.  consider those pictures to be a tidal wave of destruction rolling directly toward you at the speed of … your … … MIND!

1.  the weed card.

it is real.  for real.  no, seriously, the shit is for real.

2.  liquor.

(+/-) good – you can buy it in the grocery store.  bad – it is very pricey.

3.  ladies.

the hot/nothot ratio is favorable.

4.  weather.

warm and sunny in the sun.  breezy and amazingly comfortable in the shade.  sun is so close that roughton is now red as a tomato.  now, when he becomes drunk he looks even more irish than usual.

5.  demographic and sociological data.

this is all pretty sketchy.  i am not a trained ethnographer.  and when you smoke too much, it’s hard to tell the difference between some types of people.  plus, i have not been into the downtown area of l.a., and i expect to see some differences.  in venice beach, everyone seems to be white, and young, and rich.  everyone is not rich.  that means they all do something to compensate for this lack of being rich.  some of them are straight-up fakers.  (roughty and stoney played doubles billiards with a couple prime examples of this type.)  some of them are really rich.  this makes it easy.  some of them are for real crazy – not dankkkkkkk crazy, but really crazy.  again, this is an easy way to look cool.  come on.  others of the populous are actually cool people.  will report a cool/loser ratio as soon as i can.  but just so you can know, people like you are in the loser category.  read a blog once… loser for life.

ok, it is now time to plug the upcoming submissions.  roughty and stoney think it would be soooo neeeaaatttt to get lots of other dumbasses reading this blog.  that’s right readers.  i know you all are like, “woohoo, roughty, that guy is sooo kewel,” and “ooohh stoney, soooo awesome!”  wrong.  wrong.  wrong.  these guys talk about their blog for real.  this blog is like a mickey mouse lemon ade stand.  come on.  anyway, this means that we’ve talked a lot about future blogs.

1.  vlog #1.  topic will be your friend and mine, dankkkkkkkkknugs.  get ready for this shit.  it’s on.

2.  photo documentary.  (probably more than 1)

3.  reflections on sonic youth

4.  me rubbing roughty’s face in the fact that his sorry ass mets got creamed by the dodgers and that the braves will be beating them in the nl east.  and the fact that all the mets broke their legs.

5.  liquor will make you vomit in los angeles in the same way it will in virginia.  i know it comes as a surprise, but you should believe.

6.  john from cincinnati is set in a fictional location – i.b..  does not exist.  now what?

sorry for this brief and poorly organized post.  soon it will be coming in thick.

lyric of the week:      “I’ll sweep you off your feet,

With a box of chocolates,

But watch it.

‘Cause it’s really

Balled up hog shit.”

these are my conclusive observations.  the rest will need more time to process.

adios.