Archive for the 'Twitch' Category

Twitchell Wins $50k Gambling, Sights Set on $1MM

Twitchie, you win.

Twitchie, you are a better gambler than I am.

Attention, ladies and gentleman, we have a skilled savage in our midst. Unfulfilled and malcontent with the life of a vagabond pirate, Twitchell has converted his sharp gambling skills and no-doubt overpowering table presence into a cool $50,000 US Dollars, and a seat at a 28-person tournament with a $1,000,000 US Dollar jackpot.

For those of you who don’t know Twitchie, this means much less to YOU than it does to ME.

Twitchell won a 241-person blackjack tournament on Friday, and now has his sights set on the $1 Million Dollar grand prize. It is unfuckingbelievable, and let me tell you a little more about why this is so ridiculous. Twitchie is an uncouth pirate, a degenerate criminal of the 2nd degree, and an all-around waste of space. I don’t say this in a bad way, but in a good way. Purity is a rare and valuable thing, and Twitchell is undoubtedly a pure scoundrel.

I have only one thing to say, and that is, “Good luck in the finals, you fucker.” I have major doubts that Twitchell will be able convert that 50k into a multi-year lifestyle of high living. With 50k of free, fresh winnings in my hand, I would be very very hardpressed not to throw a 3-week party, and I am a lot more responsible than Twitch. In other words, you better keep winning, and hit that $1 million jackpot if you want to keep living the dream. Otherwise, you better save half of that money, because I’m pretty sure the IRS is going to come knocking on your door exactly one year from today.

In the same vein, I paid my taxes today at the last possible minute. I owed $181 in federal and about $31 in state taxes, but the rebate should be nice in a little bit. The special lady got mad refunds, big time….

In the spirit of this day of payment and fear, let us all rejoice in Twitchell’s victory, and envision ourselves in his High Seat of Gambling Skill. To win a tournament with 241 people in it is not a mere act of “chance” or “luck.” That’s called skill, and it’s the very same reason that I have full faith in Twitchie’s ability to win the $1 million. I have a large and varied history of gambling, and believing in the good stuff, and being “sure” that I am going to come away the winner, whether it’s competition or just real life.

At the risk of jinxing the run, I predict Twitchell’s victory fully, the #1 champ, the $1 million dollar winner. I predict the win because I believe in the skill, not for any other reason.

Living with terror

This is my roommate and his boyfriend.

retarded cop


“cocaine is cool, makes your brain feel silly”

Monday Butt Crumbles

Let the week begin.

What’s up with Stoney’s Bucks? I traded Bulger for Garcia this week and I must say it was a good trade. The giants play tonight and I hope they win for Roughty, but I want them to lose because of Dank. Although they’ll probably win (non-savage) Dank’s Giants still eat butt crumbles.

Speaking of butt crumbles I can’t seem to get a hold of Stoney. I tried to call a few times and have come to the conclusion that Stoney is too busy (having gay virtua-sex with Dank) to answer his phone



I’m really enjoying all these recent posts about the Stoney crew’s embarrassing moments. I have a few that I would love to add but I must refrain due to Stoney’s crazy rules.

stoney’s not home

So I went to the Win Star casino in Nowhere Ville OK. Upon arrival I had thirty-seven dollars in my pocket. After three hours of slots I managed to lose about one hundred dollars and left the casino with exactly zero dollars. Also, as you all can see, I am no good at picking football games. It’s so cliché to quit while you’re ahead.

Twitch’s Picks


CLE @ NE – pats

SEA @ PIT– pit  

CAR @ NO-car  

DET @ WAS– was

NYJ @ NYG – nyg

MIA @ HOU– mia

ATL @ TEN -ten

JAC @ KC-kc  

ARI @ STL-stl  

TB @ IND -ind

SD @ DEN-den

BAL @ SF -sf

CHI @ GB -chi

DAL @ BUF-dal

Twitch’s Picks


HOU @ ATL– I’ll Take the Texans

BAL @ CLE– Going with the Ravens on this one

OAK @ MIA– Dolphins win

CHI @ DET– Da Bears

NYJ @ BUF– Jets over Bills

GB @ MIN– Green bay over Vikings, Favre is greatness

STL @ DAL– Dallas over Rams, still dislike Wade Phillips

SEA @ SF– Seahawks over the Niners

TB @ CAR– Panthers over the bucks

KC @ SD– Going with Chargers, Larry Johnson is Worthless

DEN @ IND– Denver will win in Indy, I hope

PIT @ ARI– Steelers over Cards

PHI @ NYG– Give me Philly over the Giants, sorry.

NE @ CIN– Amazing team give me New England


Giants win Broncos lose Blah Blah Blah

My record = 29-19



Twitch’s Picks

Week 3

STL @ TB– I’m going with the bucks this week

SF @ PIT– Go big Ben. Pit wins.

BUF @ NE– Pats win this one, cheaters.

MIN @ KC – Vikings over the chefs.

IND @ HOU – big manning will win again

DET @ PHI -eagles will beat the lions

MIA @ NYJ – dolphins will win over jets

ARI @ BAL– giving this one to the ravens

SD @ GB – favre wins

JAC @ DEN – Go broncos

CLE @ OAK– browns win

CIN @ SEA – cin with the win

NYG @ WAS – redskins win

CAR @ ATL – panthers

DAL @ CHI – da bears

TEN @ NO– ten with the win


Dank went 0-4 last week

Stoney called the bucks win

Suit’s Redskins get the unexpected win

After two weeks my record is 20-12 not to shabby

New York Football Giants Suck, sorry

Twitch’s Picks


IND @ TEN – Big manning will get the job done. Colts win.

GB @ NYG – The little Manning’s shoulder injury might hurt the Giants this week. Farve is so old but I’m thinking he’ll win on Sunday. Sorry

CIN @ CLE – We all love that dancing monkey. CIN with the win. Dance monkey!

HOU @ CAR – Who care’s? Carolina wins.

NO @ TB – Saints stomp Stoner’s swashbucklers.

BUF @ PIT – Big Ben is back. Stoney’s Steelers will win this one.

ATL @ JAC – No Vick. Jags win. Vag ick

SF @ STL – Rams will win at home.

MIN @ DET – I’m pulling for Detroit, don’t know why.

SEA @ ARI – Arizona

DAL @ MIA – I think the Cowboys will win

KC @ CHI – I pick Da bears

NYJ @ BAL – Ravens win. New York teams = no good.

OAK @ DEN – I have to take Denver at home over Oakland. I like Cutler. Oakland sucks!

SD @ NE – Possibly the best game this week. Put your money on the patriotic Patriots. Maybe they cheat?

WAS @ PHI – I think the Eagles will win but Washington looks good this year.

Last Try “sneaking in the back”

As a child I was fascinated with the idea of being in love. I believe my fantasies began in third grade when I started to imagine being in bed with my teacher. These fantasies were hardly sexual, as I only imagined us holding each other.

I grew older and my fantasy’s turned into reality (not with my teacher) with various girls also at the age where sexual experimentation starts to occur. I soon found that holding a girl was only the beginning.

With each passing day I took another step towards sexual enlightenment. I was always pushing the sexual barriers. Until finally I found a (Awesome) girl that felt daily intercourse was a good thing. Soon what had been daily turned into multiple times daily. [Insert number] We had fun!

One day while “going at it” I accidentally/tried to slip “it” into her rectum. Her eyes almost popped out of her head. As she pushed me off I realized that I might have made a big mistake.

She jumped off the bed and ran out of the room passing gas each step of the way.

You will find that I make some bold claims I want you all to know that what I write is what I feel to be the truth, that is to say, I’m not lying.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t laugh. I have to admit that I found this young girl taking off like a sputtering rocket ship towards the door to be very funny.

Wouldn’t I be an ass to end it there?

Where does it end? Where is the line between wholesome and perverted?

Child rearing is the purpose of sexual intercourse. So isn’t having sex for any reason other than child rearing perverting the act?

Where’s the middle ground? What does the majority feel is normal sexual behavior? When does what you’re doing in the bedroom make you a weirdo?

Then I wonder how far one could take it, how deep and dark can one’s sexual desires be? Obviously too dark, as America has passed many laws punishing offenders, for what the majority deem to be inappropriate sexual acts.

A lot of times a governments involvement in the sexual lives of it’s citizens can be a good thing often protecting people/animals from physical and physiological damage but when are they interfering with our human rights?

I used to believe that a girl reached sexual maturity at the age of sixteen. I used many witty phrases, like if she’s old enough to drive a stick then she’s old enough to ride a stick.

Now I have a little sister who has reached the age of seventeen and I want to destroy any boy that looks at her. I can’t imagine the stress involved with fathering a daughter.

With today being September eleventh I feel it is important to remember what happened on this day in 2001 but we should not let it take our minds away from other serious domestic issues that occur daily in this country, issues that destroy more lives than any plane crash.

I feel that sexual abuse is one of Americas biggest and least discussed problems. Why are people so weird and why is it so hard to talk about?