Archive for the 'Twitch' Category

Twitchell Wins $50k Gambling, Sights Set on $1MM

Twitchie, you win.

Twitchie, you are a better gambler than I am.

Attention, ladies and gentleman, we have a skilled savage in our midst. Unfulfilled and malcontent with the life of a vagabond pirate, Twitchell has converted his sharp gambling skills and no-doubt overpowering table presence into a cool $50,000 US Dollars, and a seat at a 28-person tournament with a $1,000,000 US Dollar jackpot.

For those of you who don’t know Twitchie, this means much less to YOU than it does to ME.

Twitchell won a 241-person blackjack tournament on Friday, and now has his sights set on the $1 Million Dollar grand prize. It is unfuckingbelievable, and let me tell you a little more about why this is so ridiculous. Twitchie is an uncouth pirate, a degenerate criminal of the 2nd degree, and an all-around waste of space. I don’t say this in a bad way, but in a good way. Purity is a rare and valuable thing, and Twitchell is undoubtedly a pure scoundrel.

I have only one thing to say, and that is, “Good luck in the finals, you fucker.” I have major doubts that Twitchell will be able convert that 50k into a multi-year lifestyle of high living. With 50k of free, fresh winnings in my hand, I would be very very hardpressed not to throw a 3-week party, and I am a lot more responsible than Twitch. In other words, you better keep winning, and hit that $1 million jackpot if you want to keep living the dream. Otherwise, you better save half of that money, because I’m pretty sure the IRS is going to come knocking on your door exactly one year from today.

In the same vein, I paid my taxes today at the last possible minute. I owed $181 in federal and about $31 in state taxes, but the rebate should be nice in a little bit. The special lady got mad refunds, big time….

In the spirit of this day of payment and fear, let us all rejoice in Twitchell’s victory, and envision ourselves in his High Seat of Gambling Skill. To win a tournament with 241 people in it is not a mere act of “chance” or “luck.” That’s called skill, and it’s the very same reason that I have full faith in Twitchie’s ability to win the $1 million. I have a large and varied history of gambling, and believing in the good stuff, and being “sure” that I am going to come away the winner, whether it’s competition or just real life.

At the risk of jinxing the run, I predict Twitchell’s victory fully, the #1 champ, the $1 million dollar winner. I predict the win because I believe in the skill, not for any other reason.


Living with terror

This is my roommate and his boyfriend.

retarded cop


“cocaine is cool, makes your brain feel silly”

Monday Butt Crumbles

Let the week begin.

What’s up with Stoney’s Bucks? I traded Bulger for Garcia this week and I must say it was a good trade. The giants play tonight and I hope they win for Roughty, but I want them to lose because of Dank. Although they’ll probably win (non-savage) Dank’s Giants still eat butt crumbles.

Speaking of butt crumbles I can’t seem to get a hold of Stoney. I tried to call a few times and have come to the conclusion that Stoney is too busy (having gay virtua-sex with Dank) to answer his phone



I’m really enjoying all these recent posts about the Stoney crew’s embarrassing moments. I have a few that I would love to add but I must refrain due to Stoney’s crazy rules.

stoney’s not home

So I went to the Win Star casino in Nowhere Ville OK. Upon arrival I had thirty-seven dollars in my pocket. After three hours of slots I managed to lose about one hundred dollars and left the casino with exactly zero dollars. Also, as you all can see, I am no good at picking football games. It’s so cliché to quit while you’re ahead.

Twitch’s Picks


CLE @ NE – pats

SEA @ PIT– pit  

CAR @ NO-car  

DET @ WAS– was

NYJ @ NYG – nyg

MIA @ HOU– mia

ATL @ TEN -ten

JAC @ KC-kc  

ARI @ STL-stl  

TB @ IND -ind

SD @ DEN-den

BAL @ SF -sf

CHI @ GB -chi

DAL @ BUF-dal

Twitch’s Picks


HOU @ ATL– I’ll Take the Texans

BAL @ CLE– Going with the Ravens on this one

OAK @ MIA– Dolphins win

CHI @ DET– Da Bears

NYJ @ BUF– Jets over Bills

GB @ MIN– Green bay over Vikings, Favre is greatness

STL @ DAL– Dallas over Rams, still dislike Wade Phillips

SEA @ SF– Seahawks over the Niners

TB @ CAR– Panthers over the bucks

KC @ SD– Going with Chargers, Larry Johnson is Worthless

DEN @ IND– Denver will win in Indy, I hope

PIT @ ARI– Steelers over Cards

PHI @ NYG– Give me Philly over the Giants, sorry.

NE @ CIN– Amazing team give me New England


Giants win Broncos lose Blah Blah Blah

My record = 29-19