Like many pathetic, lonely, single, drunken men my age, I love Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Its absurdity and humor are completely my style. Plus in today’s fast-paced, go-get’em world, 11-12 minute episodes kick some serious ass.
When Stoney and I lived together, we never had cable, fuck Cox Communications and their bullshit. However, we did have many DVDs to watch, and the Aqua Teen sets were never far from our reach. There is not much I can take credit for in my life, but I can take credit for single handedly bludgeoning Aqua Teen over Suit’s head until he became a true believer in the power and majesty of Master Shake. Suit loves him some Aqua Teen now.
All the fans know the main three characters well; Frylock, Master Shake (my personal hero), and Meatwad. However, I am going to use my space here to pay tribute to some of my favorite villains our beloved heroes have tangled with over the years. Gentlemen……
The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past, from the Future
Yeah, just wrap your mind around that name. With a name like that, you have got to be tough shit.
This villain is a robot built by a super-intelligent race of Elfins who have been enslaved by the giant, “Santa Ape”. He has come to the Aqua Teen’s neighbor Carl’s house to haunt it because it is built on an Elfin graveyard. (All episodes have plotlines this absurd by the way).
His haunting techniques include making the house bleed and telling severely long, boring stories about nothing. Carl eventually sells his house to Danzig (who buys the house solely for the blood flow), and that proves to be the downfall of the robot ghost. He moves away because Danzig creeps him out too much.
Memorable Quote: “You must pay tribute to the Great Red Ape, in space……sexually.”
Now, Turkitron may look and sound like the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past, from the Future, however his mission is one a much greater importance. He has been sent back in time by rogue chicken scientists to save the great-great-great-great grandfather of the turkeys’ savior, “Goblocks”. Alas, he arrives a little too late, as the Aqua Teens are sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with the bird he has been sent to save.
Turkitron, a machine who is wise to ettiquette, decides to abandon his mission and invite himself to the Aqua Teen’s feast. He eats the traditional spread of Turkey and taco pie, yet finds himself unable to fight the urge to tell nonsense stories; all of which require massive quantities of wine to tell. Anytime you have a drunk robot, smashing TVs, ripping down curtains, and passing out in your show, you’re golden.
Turkitron unfortunately does not have the ability to create a horror show in your house, yet he does have an arsenal of weapons that he carries in his hobo-style trash bag. These weapons include a toothbrush, some tube socks, and a bar of soap, all of which are laser guided and he gets crazy if you touch them.
Unfortunately, things go awry for Turkitron when he drunkenly decides to take the cooked bird back to the future through the “time rift”, which could be anywhere at anytime. Godspeed, Turkitron.
Memorable Quote: Frylock: “You want to lie down and sleep it off?”
Turkitron: “You want to lie down because I hit you in the face?”
The Drizzle is not really a villain, but he still deserves a spot in this tribute.
Master Shake decides it is time he has a freak nuclear accident and gets bitten by radioactive worms turning him into The Drizzle. The Drizzle allegedly can control the rain, and uses this power to rain out planned robberies; but he has to be alerted of the crime in enough time because apprently there is a lot of prep work involved. In typical Master Shake fashion, he goes overboard and orders Drizzle posters and stationary (which is black lettering on black paper, like the storm of justice) to pump up his rep. Then when Shake tries to alert the public of his presence he manages to burn down the whole city. You may think you have a good idea, but is it a “Drizzle good” idea? Move over Superman, The Drizzle protects these streets.
The Drizzle also holds a special place in the Stonies’ hearts because he freaks the shit out of Stoney. Whenever Stoney would eat mushrooms, or inhale massive quantities of blow, he would watch this episode. It would always blow his mind, and he could not handle it. Stoney has vowed never to watch The Drizzle again, but we shall see about that.
Memorable Quote: “Uh, do an internet search for villains, supercrime, or girls in trouble.”
Oglethorpe and Emory
These loveable aliens hail from the now defunct planet, Pluto. Their world domination plans, while well intended, always end in disaster. As Frylock so eloquently told them, “You guys couldn’t take over a damn bowl of Jell-O”.
They have tried to de-terraform the earth with a massive army of cloned Master Shakes, steal the Aqua Teen’s cable with their monster/remote control hybrid the, “Universal Remonster”, and have generally been a minimal pain in the ass for our heroes. Their plans mostly don’t work because they are too busy getting high and worshiping a disco ball on their ship named, “Obnoticus”.
As a side note, these aliens are named after two small colleges outside of Atlanta where the creators of the show were educated. My cousin attended Oglethorpe and went to one of their parties. The night ended with him fixing their car. But, I digress.
Memorable Quote: Emory (the green one): “Wait, we haven’t beta tested the Universal Remonster yet”
Oglethorpe: “What you’re testing is me and my patience!”
The Frat Aliens (DP and Skeeter)
These guys had a classic episode because it was one long joke about the non savagery of frat guys. We all know the type. There is not much to say about them because they are vapid characters, much like their real-life counterparts. However, they are included here because the creators did a great job at striking a blow against these non savages.
Memorable Quote: Skeeter: “Dude, she’s got a bit of a ‘stache”
DP: “It’s OK, she’s good to go.” (then they exchange high-fives)
Honorable Mention: “Dude, she’s like a moped. Fun to ride until your friends see you.”
Honorable Mention #2: “Bros call me DP, it’s short for donkey puncher, get it? Sometimes I’m D to the P, Big DP, Donkey Puncharello, or King Donko of Punchstania.”
Honorable Mention #3: (While showing off his greek letters tattoo on his lung) “Had to get it on the inside or my dad would totally kill me. Had to get wasted because it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat!”
The list could go on.
MC Chris’s characters
There were a couple episodes when Meatwad would get addicted to a rapper’s song, and play that song ad nauseum until the other Aqua Teens could not take it anymore. All the songs were written and sang by a guy named MC Chris. Check out his site here. Before I get into his characters if you haven’t heard his song about Boba Fett do so now. If you don’t know who Boba Fett is, send me your address so I can drop by and punch you in the face.
My backpack’s got jets. Classic.
All the rappers in the show are characterized by their yellow eyes, a diaper (for some reason), and MC Chris’s distinctive voice. It is an ongoing joke that the Aqua Teens end up killing each rapper, sending him to Hell. But, for some reason Satan always sends them back as another life form, and he releases a new single each time to finance his world domination schemes.
MC Pee Pants
He used a puppet to try and disguise the fact that he was an eight-foot spider wearing a diaper.
Memorable Quote: Meatwad: “What happened MC Pee Pants? How come your lips aren’t moving?”
MC Pee Pants: “Look my shniggies, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, so I can’t move too good.”
Hit Single: “I Need Candy”
World Domination Scheme: Getting everybody hooked on candy through his lyrics. Then luring them down to his lair at 612 Wharf Ave to use their hyperactive blood-sugar to power a drill to bore into Hell and unleash demons to run his global diet pill pyramid scheme. Insane.
Hit Single: “For Da Shorteez”
World Domination Scheme: To make all listeners feel bad for starving kids (Da Shorteez) and to send food to 612 Wharf Ave. Once he has enough rotting food he will attract flies. Since flies use acid to dissolve their food while eating it, he plans on collecting enough acid so he can use it to dissolve bank vaults and steal money so he can alleviate the debt he accumulated buying too much patio furniture. Ludicrous.
Memorable Quote: “I don’t know why I have all this patio furniture, I don’t even sit down.”
Honorable Mention: “Look, when it comes to rhyming, I’ve got it. But when it’s words and reading, I don’t do so hot.”
Hit Single: “Uh-oh, Polio!”
World Domination Scheme: None. Kids stopped listening to his albums because they can’t connect with songs like, “Uh-oh, Polio!” The Aqua Teens visit him at the hospital where he spits on them and thinks the nurses are stealing his watch – the watch that is in his mind. Yikes.
The Broodwich is a legendary sandwich that cannot be taken apart and once ingested, sends the glutton (Master Shake) to an evil plane where he will be subjected to endless torture and pain. Ooookay.
The Broodwich is probably the most evil thing to appear on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It is forged from wheat in Hell’s darkest half acre, baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonnaise beaten from the eggs of a chicken by a one eyed madman, the cheese is boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow, and it is layered with 666 different meats from an animal with maggots for blood. Oh yeah, and mustard, dijon mustard. (I had to watch the episode to get all the ingredients. Now that’s what I call sound journalism!)
However, much to Master Shake’s chagrin, there is no bacon. Apparently there are no swine evil enough to sacrifice on the bed of evil; bed of evil and lettuce. It is the most tempting sandwich you will ever come across, but it will spell your doom.
The Broodwich however fails when Master Shake eats it, yet picks off the sun-dried tomatoes because they are gross. Apparently, it can be taken apart. That’s right, go eat your tomatoes Nancy.
Memorable Quote from the episode: (Master Shake, upon seeing the broodwich) “Holy crap in a pita!”
Honorable Mention: Master Shake- “Get me out of here! Dracula’s touching my leg, it’s a zombie, I can feel it!”
Honorable Mention #2: “Taassste!”
As a side note, all the quotes provided here are from memory. So, if any of you Aqua Teen fans think you see a discrepency, you’re wrong, because I have a mind like a steel trap.
There are so many more I can put in here, but I am lazy and I am running out of my trusty alcohol flavored blog juice. Once the blog juice runs low, I start to lose interest. For the Aqua Teen fans who are wondering where The Mooninites are at, I say…
Oh yeah, and…..
P.S. If you have not seen the intro to the Aqua Teen movie that came out in April, it is by far the most hilarious movie intro since “Super Troopers”. I went to see it with III Dog (former WageSlaver) and we drank heavily and lit up an L before going to the theater in honor of what we were about to see. That may have proved to be a mistake, because upon viewing this intro, I came dangerously close to pissing my pants.