Archive for the 'CHOP' Category

CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP

What the fuck is everyone doing? I’m doing jack shit at work, and hating every minute of it.

Working on your resume really only makes you feel better if you’ve got a place to send it.

Projectplaylist.com

Check that shit out, free music.

CHOP. All you faggots are chopped for not blogging and being gay.

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Bitches

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Abdication saves ruler from the blade

Shiiiiit.  I’ve been gone.  I know it, you know it, all of SWS knows it.  I hear it almost daily from Stoney’s filthy face sewer. 

The glory days of summer are over (for the time being) my friends.  All the joy I experienced for writing words laced with daggers, tasers, and cocaine has dropped out the window.  Now when I sit down to this shitbox of a computer, it is to write bullshit about how China’s economy is squeezing Atlas’ testicles, or comparing/contrasting the works of Thomas Jefferson to John Locke.  F U C K I N G   B U L L S H I T.  Heres my comparison for you professor, they are both rotted corpses and both were probably assholes.  Deal with that.

I hate school, always have.  I enjoy learning, but do not feel the need to participate in an institution’s theory of how to learn.  A college degree means only one thing; you put up with four-? years of bullshit and getting fucked by pricks who believe they are better than you.  A degree does not mean you are smart.  See also: Dank, Suit, and Stoney.  I know plenty of college graduates who are complete and utter mongoloids, and I am sure you readers do as well.  It is all about how much shit you are willing to take.

That being said, I am taking the bullshit royally lately.  Mired in group projects with a bunch of knuckle-dragging slackers who cannot perform basic grammatical or mathematic operations has left me increasingly jaded; more so than usual.  Honestly, I have not thought about this fucking blog in quite some time, and yes it shows.  With many calls for the king’s head, I was teetering ever so close to one of Stoney’s false chops, hoping to extort me back into writing. 

However, the king has abdicated his throne for a while to a worthy up-and-comer from the population – Twitch.  I salute you, Twitch for picking up my slack in these dark and dire times.  The king will be back, most likely with a sharper tongue and infinitely more skewed views.  Abdication will always save one’s head from the chop.  More to come at a later date………I promise.

Sincerely,

His Royal Roughtonius of Funkytown.

CHOP CHOP

Danknuggets, you are toast.

Suityourself, you are toast.

Both of you bitches have been fucking CHOPPED. Peace the fuck out, assnuggets. I have both the reason and resources to kick you both the fuck off of this weak site. Please allow me to explain.

First, where you at, bitches? No posts, no comments, no LOVE. What is up with that shit? Dank…you quitting the blog because Roughty sassed you a little on the flamboyant nature of your prose…so you quit?? What a joke.

Suit, you haven’t posted a blog since you were in Venice, you lazy fucker. How the fuck hard is it to come up with a goddamn stupid post with your retarded fuck-ass pictures and racist comments? Please.

CHARGES OF CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY AND BLOGIFICATION, BROUGHT AGAINST DANKNUGGETS AND SUITYOURSELF BY KING AND CHIEF PROSECUTOR OF THIS BLOG, STONEYWAGESLAVE, AND BY SENIOR BLOG JURISPRUDENCE EXPERT, ROUGHTY MCROUGHTON.

LIST OF KEY GRIEVANCES AND OFFENSES

1. Lack of content. Neither of you write SHIT. Dank, your last post was over a week ago, and Suit, your last post was almost a month ago. I don’t need to present to you alternatives to time-costly posts, because if you don’t have the motivation to figure out something quick and good, and you can’t find the time to post….then you can’t post at all.

2. Lack of cohesion and group support (both active and inactive). This is a big one. Both of you fucked up big time in different ways, let me break it down.

Suit- yours was an inactive grievance. Through your first offense (no content), you managed to actually commit the 2nd offense. Because you weren’t active in the blog, and you couldn’t come up with a new post every once in a while (not even once a week?), I felt that you were letting us down. Your posts are consistently top-read grade A material….if and when you post. Would your boy Chipper be as great of a player if he only showed up to the game once a month? What about Shaq? It takes commitment, and consistency, to really pull it off. When pulling your “best of”, I was like “is this it?” Weak effort, I know you can do better, and I know you enjoy it…please don’t tell me you can’t find 15 mins to pull out a post. Plllllease.

Dank– yours was an active grievance. Your ill-fated mutiny attempt was merely a facade and attention-grabbing technique. By timing your mutiny to the specific week of my vacation and absence, I sensed a direct attack upon my blog livelihood, and an attempt to divert the blog from its originally intended course. Yes, the mutiny was hilarious, and I consider myself one of the only people who gets your references, style and tone. BUT, asshole, this is my blog, and you are toast for your vile misgrievance.

3. Utter and infinite inferiority to the two reigning blog masters, Roughty and StoneyWageSlave. Yes, I did enjoy each and everyone of both of your posts, even if they were gay, misleading or otherwise worthless. Part of this blog is to be WORTHLESS, and you helped out with your stupid posts. BUT, your posts forever will be considered weak and secondary to the two reigning champs. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. We can talk about pageviews if you want. Suit, I consider you to be the pageview master of the site, despite Roughty’s recent huge advances on his “Pegasus.” Why? because multiple articles you wrote pulled in a shit load of people, not just one. I think that you are operating on a lower mental level than we are, and your low-frequency sentences and such attracted a larger, more retarded audience than I am personally capable of doing. Whereas your Nascar and cheese fries pictures go over nicely with the plebeians, compound sentences and political thought do not go hand in hand with great page views. And Dank, I can’t stress enough how I do appreciate your own politicisms and witticisms, but the fact is, you fucking missed the boat. Again, Dank, I remember you blasting out a whiny baby cry that your best blog ‘hail mary fools of grace’ wasn’t getting proper respect…..but does it really deserve it?

YOU BITCHES ARE BOTH CHOPPED.*

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*with the ability to post when necessary. I am not deleting your usernames, like the other CHOPees, because I feel that you do have valuable info to add. You have just been publicly reprimanded for your weak ass bullshit.

PS- Shout out to TWITCH. Get ready to be jealous.

What pretty face did Roughty get to stuff full of food the other day?

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politics, religion, et cetera… . .. . … .. …. .. …. .. . .

(those periods are for you, stonesylvania.) 

i have been delinquent lately and didn’t know about either of stoney’s  guys’ debauchery.  i wish i had, but politics is boring — even when it deals with blowww and hookers.  i won’t vote for this guy any more now than i would have before i knew about the drugs and sex.  until i meet a politician who will look you in the eye and say he’s never made a mistake and he never plans to make one,  i’ll be fairly convinced i could do a better job governing myself than any of them could.  i mean, jiuliani (or “orange” [in honor of his boy’s huge nose candy purchase] julius as i will call him from this day forward) doesn’t even know me.  how the shit is he supposed to know what decisions are in my best interest?  in the old days, way on back in the days of grunting, beards and hunter/gatherers, people would form a society to protect themselves from other societies (not to mention the ravenous sabre-tooth tigers, mastadons, etc.).  i’m sure at the beginning of society, some guy was laying out, chilling in the cut, maybe reading a playboy and minding his own bidness, and the tribe leader said to him, “glork, you better get that firewood.  the rest of us are counting on your lazy ass.”  and glork was thinking, “damn, it was so much better when i could do whatever the hell i wanted to do without all these dicks bossing me all the time.”  but you know what glork did?  he collected the wood.  because he needed the protection that could only be afforded by the society.  nowadays, people don’t think like that, in my opinion.  nowadays, people simply accept the fact that they were born into a society, and so that must be the best place for them to be.  i stand that this is simply no longer the case.  man has tamed the shit out of nature.  we don’t have anything to worry about except snake bites and the occasional shark attack.  furthermore, no human cares enough about me to attack me.  what the shit would they even do that for?  waste of a bullet.  i won’t attack them either.  i can grow shit in my back yard and eat dogs and cats and squirrels and shit if it really comes right down to it.  no reason for me to mess with anyone.  my point?  glad you asked.  society is no longer the same shizzazzle it was back in the day.  individuals don’t really need to protection of a huge gov’t.  besides, when people did need such protection — take hurricane katrina, for instance — where the fuck was our great society?  thumb up the ass, watching the weather channel and drinking beer, wondering where the hell they’d move mardi gras to… and that was george w.  that proves (for me anyways) that society can no longer perform its primary function — protection of its members.  that’s the main reason why i haven’t, don’t and won’t vote.  you be asking yourself, “well then suit, why don’t you just LEAVE and do your own thing if you don’t like the american way?”  well, this is a good point.  i wonder this about myself sometimes, too.  i think it comes down to this.  i gotta get mine.  if i left right now, i’d be broke before i got to a place where i could really do my own thing for real.  you gotta have money to make a real move.  hence, the master plan — participate in society to as minimal a degree as is practicable until i save up some real green.  then, peace out.  merc on to someplace where i can do my own thing without worrying about what anybody says.  part of this minimal participation is making it a priority to not vote.  voting would lock me in.  i would start to follow this shitstem and never be able to break out. 

(ps — when you register to vote, you also have to fill out a draft card.  i knew this was a shitty idea when i was in high school, and so i didn’t fill out the shit.  therefore, i am registered for neither voting nor slaughtering brown people.) ((pps — the gov’t teacher in 12th grade tried to fail me for for not filling out the form, but i aced all her tests, so she didn’t have a leg to stand on.))

as far as breeding terrorism, i’m either too stupid or too smart to question the fact that all politicians have spin doctors (and i don’t mean the “2 princes” spin doctors).  to reference a simile i made earlier, discussing politics is like going all in on a blind hand of poker.  doesn’t make any sense because you know neither what you have nor what your opponents have in their hands.  all i know is this:  the golden rule is faulty.  “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  if we hurt the arabs, then we deserve to get sliced a bit, right?  it’s the golden rule, after all.  if arabs did bad things to us, they deserve to get bombed, too, right?  it is in the golden rule.  but then what?  people all know the golden rule, yet bad stuff keeps happening.  if people keep “doing unto others” based on what has been “done unto [them]”, we’ll all be fucking DEAD!  this is not what i consider a good time.  the golden rule doesn’t work.  it just breeds recursive murder wars.  neither the victor nor the loser is ever happy.  everyone’s still got a bone to pick, and the killing continues.  here’s what i propose.  throw out the golden rule.  adopt another rule.  how about the one jesus came up with?  how about “turn the other cheek”? how about “love thine enemy”?  i mean, america is a judeo-christian nation, right?  it says so right on the money.  that means we all believe in heaven, right?  that means that what we do down here makes no difference in the big picture, right?  sure.  because heaven is eternal, but life on earth is “but a blink of the eye.”  that means, if some asshole wants to shoot us, who cares?  they’ll go to hell, and we’ll be laughing our balls off, playing hop-scotch with john lennon in heaven.  fuck this killing.  for real.  i am over it all for real.  a guy from my high school just got killed.  i was a total ass to him (roids, teenage hormones, popularity… you know), and now i will never be able apologize or slap him a high five and come back on the flip side.  it’s fucked up for real.  and the worst part — he thought he was doing right by his country!  sad sad scene.

so, any of you who have made it through this post are all stupider for having read it.  i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls. 

now, go slaughter some people whose skin is darker than your own!!  before they do it to you first.

and don’t forget to vote.  in fact, vote three times.  keep on voting and voting until you cast a fat, brown ballot in your pants.

Catch-up.

i’m playing a little catch up on the blogggg today.  have been derelict for a few days as real life has gotten in the way.  since i’ve been gone, there have been some good posts and some terrible posts.

best post winner — roughty for #1 in da hood, g.

worst post winner (loser) — roughty for the horrendous mets.

blogger definitely going to hell — stoney for the retard post.

anyway, good work.  i agree that dankkkkkk is in serious jeopardy.  he needs to contrib or face the …

  

he was doing a solid job there for a minute, but fell off in recent times.

to further prop my boy roughtonious, i will add something from the athf vault which i am afraid he has forgotten…

(disregard the master shake.)

remember the moth man?  aka reverse vampire bus…  memorable quote:  “yeah, i laid 10,000 of my eggs in his esophagus, and he was being a baby about it.”

ok, back to business.  what the fuck is the deal with publication of bloggers’ first names?  i thought it was an unwritten law that we would not do that sort of thing, but if it’s gonna happen, just let me know, and homey can play that.  i’ll out you guys like elton fucking john.

so, some of you know i live in norfolk.  norfolk is the land of black pedestrians walking slow as shit in front of your car while you’re going 60 down a 25 in order to minimize your time in the ghetto.  i like this city, because i was born here and have been riding on these streets for years, but i mean this is ridiculous.  i have almost run these fucking darkies over on purpose just on principle.  my thousand pound metal driving machine is more powerful than your 6’5″, 88lb. cracked out, basketball playing, sneeker ganking ass, so get the fuck out of the way.  i frequently use the “n-word” (nigger) during this type of encounter and hope that i will never get shot for doing so.  so far, i have been lucky.  if i ever get “run up on” for using “their word” i’m just going to play the albino card.  be like, “yo, blood, i be one of you.  i jus got dis pigment disawdah.”  these guys aren’t generally among the sharpest knives in the drawer, so they’ll probably buy it… right? 

i’m trying to do my part to keep these statistics intact.  look, they even drew the stick figure the right color.  for once, government work is efficient and effective.

ok, there’s my racism for the day.  you like that?  aww yeah.

so, besides narrowly missing brown people crossing the street, i have also been fishing my balls off — like ev-er-y day.  here’s some of the fruits of my labor.

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biggest smallmouth of my life.  on the new river — right down the road from the site of the massacre (ethnic cleansing) in b’sburg va. 

tonight, the all-star game is upon us.  i am predicting an NL win, and in order for this to come about, i will need to support the hated ny mets.  while i am very uncomfortable with this prospect, i will do it for tonight and only tonight.  the braves are closing in on them like a domerman running down one of the retards from stoney’s last post, so i’m not too worried.

enjoy the game, bitches.

ps — as the time approaches for me to travel on the magical mystery tour to la, i am beginning to prime my lungs for the excessive cheeeefage that must surely occur.  i am doing some deep breathing exercises and am only smoking like 3 packs a day instead of the usual full carton.  all i know is, those yahoos in cali better be ready to see some real east coast flava.

finally, enjoy this bit of savagery.  brought to you by some crazy redneck bird.

Rubber Matches, Growing Up, Other Reflections and another Roll Call

the first category tag i clicked was worthless friday, cuz that’s what i’m in.  it’s fantastic.  finally some time to interact with the tech-junkies, alcoholics and weed-fiends who read this link-laden, anti-american, diaperlicious bloghole. 

has anybody noticed that politics are continuing to play a large role in our blog?!  i can’t believe that shit.  if you knew, (and most of you do), the authors, you’d be as surprised as me.  four years in the burg, and we never talked about it.  now it’s all over everything.  i think that comes along with growing older.  things we never cared about before are starting to look more and more important.  we’re all realizing our global citizenship, and i think it’s pretty encouraging.  now all we have to do is change the minds of all the fuckos in general society *(see stoney’s note about the a&f models on the airplane… these are the dipshits to whom i’m referring.) 

on another very different topic, there’s this issue going on in the baseball world.  my boy john smoltz won his 200th career decision last night.  i don’t need to remind any of you who the braves defeated.  i don’t need to tell you that they beat the metropolitans.  further, i don’t need to explain to any of you that this win brough the braves record against the mets to 6 wins and 3 losses on the season.  no, i don’t need to mention any of these things.  why am i talking about it then?  to hurt your sensitive yankee feelings?  no.  to rub salt into your still-smarting wounds from last october?  of course not.  well, i’ll tell you why.  the braves are currently recruiting new fans, and if you all have been converted over the past few days, just let me know, and i’ll be happy to provide a letter of recommendation.  no guarantees, but it’s at least a 50-50 they’ll accept you.  last night’s prodigious victory over the hated mets was a rubber match.  “what is a rubber match?” all of you except the sport-savvy roughty might be asking yourselves.  again, i’ll explain it for you.  in a 3-game series, if each team wins one of the first two games, game three is the rubber match.  in a 7-game series that’s tied at three games each, game seven is the rubber match.  check out this helpful wiki article on the topic.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_match

what’s the point of this discussion? it’s not just to make fun of the sucky mets.  in fact, i want to bring it back to politics.  since i’ve been old enough to think about politics, there have been two presidents.  (during bush the elder’s administration, i didn’t understand anything at all about it.)  these presidents have been billy clinton and george dubya bush — a democrat and a republican.  in 2008, we’ll have the rubber match between these two political powerhouses.  as in sports, this rubber match will play a big role on the way our generation will be viewed.  will our generation be defined by the shitty republicans or the shitty democrats?  lord only knows.  i got a guess, but it’s just that — a guess.  so i won’t even mention it here.  in a baseball rubber match, all we can do is drink beer and root for our own version of the good guys.  last night, my team won, and i was happy.  roughty’s team lost, and i’m sure he drowned on his tears.  in politics, however, we can play the game and get involved.  we can be the shortstop who turns the double play, or we can be the asshole who lets the ball roll right between his legs.  (by the by, what team was he on again?  hahaha.)  either way, in politics, we don’t have to sit on the sidelines.  we can cast our votes and join in the action, right?  here’s the other big difference.  if i make a throwing error, and the winning run scores for the other team, the game is over and i immediately know who won.  if i hit the walk-off homer, it’s conclusive.  i’m the big winner.  with politics, it’s not so cut and dry.  i might cast my vote and be all happy for a couple years after my selected puppet wins.  then, out of nowhere, he blows some country off the map, and my walk-off homer turns into a “you-blew-it” game ending error. that’s why, when this year’s political rubber match comes along, i’ll be drinking beer and watching from the sidelines.  the punchline of this discourse — do yourself a favor and don’t vote.  vote for your favorite amer. idol.  vote for which of the stars dances best.  vote for the best apple pie you ate at the county fair.  don’t vote for the president.  you’ll invariably be sorry!

thus ends the politics of this post.

i’m still going to school.  it still sucks.  i also work at a school.  that, too, is no good.  i am trying to learn about the material required for my degree, but all i keep learning about is that everybody only cares about money.  the only question my peers and superiors ask themselves is, “how can i make the most money off this situation?”  it’s sad to think that this is the world we’re trying to earn membership into.  maybe the solution is to drop out and move to an island and try to grow coconuts for food and decorative brassieres.  my ridiculous boss’s boss’s boss’s boss volunteered me today to take part in some terrible task around the office.  my autonomy is non-existant.  i don’t decide what i do at all.  they tell me what to do, and i do it.  it’s bad for one’s psychology.  you’ve all been there.  i guess the right thing to do is just grin and bear it until retirement… in like 60 years.  one more thing about work, i had to make a presentation yesterday to a room full of suits.  i wore a rainbow colored (ambiguously androgenous) plaid shirt untucked and my oldest, rattiest pants.  i gave a great presentation.  (probably because dank wasn’t there flicking his damned zippo to distract me.)  after this, i got an email from my boss’s boss who told me that i should have dressed nicer.  this is a big old problem in our society.  why in the world do people still judge you based on the clothes you wear?  i’ll tell you.  it’s because they’re terrible idiots who don’t know any better.  and these are the people who i’m scrambling to compete with as a peer…  sad.

well, mr dank nuggets is in, so let the fun begin.  in honor of him, i’m taking this opportunity to post yet another savage roll call.  feast your eyes on the following collection:

most savage cartoon character:  Monterey Jack — he’ll whip your ass and then console you in a lovely aussie accent.

honorable mention:  Nermal — fresh off the boat from abu dhabi

least savage cartoon character:  Rita and Runt — an ill-fated space-filler in an otherwise exceptional show

most savage world leader:  Queen of Jordan — rules with an iron fist and a lovely pair of jumblies

honorable mention:  Stalin — (translation of caption:  respect the moustache.  fear the moustache.  obey the moustache.)

least savage world leader:  Jacques Chirac (someone either just snuck up him, or he was presented with a lovely quiche.)

most savage cereal mascot:  Sonny (cocoa puffs) — this guy has “junkie” written all over his face

honorable mention:  Andy Milonakis (fruity pebbles)

least savage ceareal mascot:  Tony (frosted flakes) — why don’t you find a gayer bandana.  we’re not all convinced you’re a homo yet.

most savage car model of all times:  AMC Eagle (no competition)

honorable mention:  El Camino (the original cross-over vehicle)

least savage car model of all times:  ford tempo (my first car)

most savage blogger:  suityourself (no photo available)

least savage blogger:  you (look in the mirror and recognize your inferiority.)

finally, most savage drugs:  steriods

least savage drugs:  whipits (you’ll freeze your lungs)

III DOG….CHOP!

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Deddog, III$, III Dogg….you are done. Unlike my short-lived obituary for Suit, this post contains no personal vendetta or slap against the wrist.

One of my closest weedlings, I take full credit for peer-pressuring you into smoking buds for the first time. I cannot tell about 80% of our mutual stories due to flagrant content, blog laws in place and because I was too stoned to remember most of the time.

A habitual and fundamental denier of common laws of decency and respect, I commend III Dog fully in deed, manner and form. A true example of against the grain savagery, I chop you with the utmost respect permissible.

I invite you to post any of your random thoughts and rants under your name on this blog.

Without further ado, CHOP, BIYITCH!

With props and respek to all-