And I do mean annihilate. This movie, “Beyond the Ring” is the stuff studios get wrecking balls taken to them over. If you love inexplicable slow motion, fake accents, worse fight scenes, and terrible knock-off Korn music, your movie has finally come to fruition. Oh, and add in a whopping dose of Gary Busey (like there is any other kind of dose of Gary Busey).
WOW! Consider my face melted. I had my reservations about joining that MMA class down the street, but now that I know I have the opportunity to make $300,000, save a little girl from a deadly brain tumor, AND bleed my own blood, I will be first in line tomorrow morning to rock that dojo.
I may not be the fastest, strongest, or most skilled, but Hollywood has taught me all I need is heart. Heart, and an older black man as my mentor (preferably a blind one, but I will take what I can get). Oh, and a chiseled jaw, and a girl who is dating the king of the dojo who is taken by surprise for her strange new feelings for the dashingly handsome upstart in the MMA world.
Before I get ahead of myself though, we do need to list a few of the highly egregious fouls this movie commits.
1. Tossing in a useless sub-plot to tug at the heartstrings of the .5% of the population who will see this movie. I mean, seriously. Come on. Am I supposed to believe this guy is fighting to raise $300,000 to get rid of her brain tumor. First of all, if this little girl has no insurance, I am sure her bills have far surpassed that figure by now, and she hasn’t even had the surgery yet. So, the main motive for your movie is out the fucking window from the get-go, congrats.
2. Stating in your movie that your, “sport” is the most dangerous, most important, most famous, etc…etc in the world. This is something inferior movies about inferior activities must include in at least the preview to get people to come watch. I cannot recall watching a baseball, football, or basketball movie where there is some painful line going out of its way to state the obvious. We know it is the World Series, Super Bowl, or NBA championship, because we know and care about those sports.
Yet when you get a movie about MMA for example, you must listen to some dumbass line such as, “This is the most dangerous profession in the world”. Yeah, behind soldier, deep sea diver, police officer, fire fighter, astronaut, blogger, and so on. Get over yourself MMA.
3. Making me wish Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, or Gov. Schwarzenegger would make an appearance. They don’t even need to do much, maybe a roundhouse kick here, a chop to the neck there, or even a terrible one-liner in some phony Austrain accent. Anything to save me from the abomination this movie became.
Ugh, it’s too early to get my blood riled up.