1 monkey, 5 bulldogs. What else do you need?

Yes, this will be a Japanese themed day for me.  But how can you blame me?  As much as we vaunt our television, Japan has demolished us with much more interesting programming than our Harvard and Yale grads can ever muster.  Case and point:  A young chimp walking bulldogs. 

F U C K I N G  B R I L L I A N T

Okay, you can ignore the fact that at the beginning of the video the chimp leads all the bulldogs into a ditch (hilarious), but how the chimp wrangles the dogs through the rest of the video is priceless.  This is one smart monkey.  You know there were some Japanese scientists working on training this chimp, which automatically makes Japanese scientists far superior than ours.  Enjoy.  (count this as your weekly video, bitches.  Yes, it is long, but worth the whole watch)

With chimps like that around, they will take over the world soon.  It’s a fact.  This little guy is a lot smarter than a lot of people I know, ahem…  AND he wears overalls. 

Coming to Stoneyville, September ’08

Stripes

vs.

Monkeys

My music scene is picking up big time, after about 3/4 year off. First Willz last week, just bot Arctic Monkeys at Palladium, and going to White Stripes in September.

Reminds me of last year, when I saw Willz, TOOL, YeahYeahs and Strokes in a month.

Talk about SPENT!

Foreign Invader Takes Over Blogres, Installs New P.M.

Similar to the blietzkreig’s lightning attack of speedy fast quickness, a foreign invader has conquered vacantly empty Blogres.  The invading invaders advantageously took advantage of King Stoney’s debaucherous debauchery on a weekend retreat into the depths of the dark wooded forest of ghouls and plentiful fairy dust.  The Minister of Defense, Roughty McRoughton, and his army of little green Alesman sensed the plot afoot and attempted to meet the insurgent infidels but was impeded by the River of COX’ s Dam break and flooding of the southern swamps of the South end of the Kingdom.  The sole availabe resource to meet invader was the King’s Huntsman, SuitYourSelf the Busy, but the woodsman was off hunting the woods for herbs, berries, fish, and small game.  Now, all that stands in the invader’s way is the Blacksmith, Twitch the White, also the Court’s Rebuter empowered solely with the title of Premier Commenter.    

Travelin’ by day in their own land, the conquerors arrived in the early hours of Blogres and seized the Book of Savagery–the incredulous edict of the King and his court.  With this powerful empowerment the invader gained total controlocity in the unthinking subjects longing for the gift of endowed savagery.  They will now listen in dumbblankfaceirification to the holder of the Book of Savagery. 

His Awesomeness, Chancellor Ixniamak, the head of the new government, has issued his first decree:

Mouth-breathing, grass smoking, wannabe Fuckenstein polska opposition like this will be eliminated:

 

Do not fear, my children, I will be victorious in battle

Your Loving Father and Chancellor,

 

We, the Royal Press, promise to bring you all the details.  We hope we can bring you an exclusive of the Chancellor’s ceremonial Sulfuric Acid baby-head baptismal.  We will exploit all means to bring you the most suffering, death, and destruction of any news organization.   

–Morel the Destroyer–

Brought to you by Apple, Pickers of the Tree of Knowledge, (censored by the Committee to Kill the Human Spirit):

This is really not funny, but…

… it’s still funny as shit.  i told mr dankkkkkkk on the phone already, but you’ll all appreciate this little gold nugget.

sooo, i told you that i work at a school, right?  well, anyways, my boss is out of town — in sri lanka, actually (not doing drugs or getting blowjobs — aka he’s wasting his time), but during this trip, i’ve been running the show in this class that i’m also enrolled in.  ok, so the dean was pissed off that i was in charge and am not a professor, so he made my boss’s boss sit in on the class while he’s out of town.  his reasoning?  and i quote, “what if someone starts stripping in class?  the g.a. [me] can’t be responsible for those liability issues.”  so, my dept. head and i were laughing about that.  i mean, who strips in class?  nobody, right?  i told her i’d rather have some VT type shit pop off than have some lady start ripping her clothes off in class.

ok, so fast forward to last night’s class.  the lecture was going on, and about an hour into the class, we took a break.  i smoked a cig, and on the walk back to the class i see this dude (i’m not saying he was black or anything, but he wasn’t white, hispanic, asian, american indian or pacific islander) walking through the hallway.  i didn’t recognize him, but no big deal. 

so, about 30 minutes later, i see this hand come in the doorway of the class.  it was the same guy, but i didn’t make the connection at the time.  he pulled the door almost shut so it was only opened like 4 or 5 inches, maybe.  i figured he was studying or talking on the phone, and we were distracting him.  again, no big deal.

then, like 10 minutes later, this lady in my class whispered my name from across the room.  i walk over there and sit down.  she says, “there’s this black guy masturbating in the doorway!”  [pffft]  i didn’t know what to think, so i look over there, and sure enough, there he stands, dick in his hands, wacking it in the doorway of my classroom!  right there so this lady has no choice but to look at his junk!  my department head says to me, “call the cops right now.”  so, i go out of the class toward my office.  by this time, the dude has zipped up and is digging it to the exit.  i saw the back of his head, and he was gone. 

 hahahaha.

 so, i called the cops, and they’ve been interviewing me and my classmate all day long!  how funny is that shit?  with all the porn on the internet, this dude is going to wack it in public to a bunch of 40-60 year-old school teachers?!  w….t….fuck?!  that is some deviant shit fo-rizzle.  the cops didn’t catch him, and in my conversations with them over the past day, they’ve had like 4 other reports about him doing the same shit all summer long. 

my hope is that i’ll catch him next time.  i see myself tackling him and kicking him in the balls.  that’d be funny, but what happens if my hand accidentally touches his johnson or ballsack? 

does that make me gay? 

seriously? 

does it? 

cuz…  

i mean…

 (i really am not sure if i can handle that.)

so, anyways, that’s my funny story.  i’ll bet stoney never saw no shit like that in venice beach!  so, for all you easterners, stop packing your bags.  there’s no need to go west.  we’ve got plenty of sick fucks in this part of the country, too.

Sick Shit

I know 80% of you bitches have heard this, but listen again.

The sick shit is in the first 30 seconds, when he breaks it down, and then when the drummer sings too…”You’re dynamite!”….that’s for you, suit.