… i am not allowed to drink coffee anymore at all.
ok, let me start out by telling everyone who doesn’t know that i am a recoving/-ed blow-fiend. (just now i was looking for pics to post right here but decided against it. such pics are a bad idea. ganga pics are one thing, but straws, razor blades… i don’t think so.) anyway, about my addiction — it wasn’t a long one — really just about 2 years, that’s it. not that long at all. but it was bad. i don’t know if i believe the hype about “addictive personalities” or any of that, but i really liked the chizzzowder for serious.
here’s a short sidebar. ok, so i just came downstairs in 1420 a, and i’m trying to keep it together. everything’s fine, and then all of a sudden, i start tasting this awful (at least it was awful at the time) drip going down the back of my throat. i was all like, “dude, i think this shit is fucked up. i’m getting this bad taste down my throat.” sir stoney of stonesylvania starts busting out laughing and, between his already clenched teeth says, “you’ll learn to love it.” and i did.
so that’s the sidebar. i liked it alright. spent lots of money, 80 bucks at a time, til i had none left. anyway, it’s been about a year and change, and i’m clean as a whistle. all that shit is behind me except for the guilty feeling i get anytime i’m still awake when the birds are already chirping. anyway, it’s done now.
so… back to the story… i’m about to switch jobs and i was at a meeting this morning with this guy who wants to give me some money to write this big paper. so he says, “you want a cup of coffee?” i said, “no thanks, it makes me a little nervous.” he said, “come on, i just got this new kind. you’ll like it.” so what am i going to do? offend this guy who wants to give me green green money by turning down his delicious coffee?! no. that’s not me. i don’t make waves like that on purpose. so i says, “sure, i’ll have a small cup.”
so i’m chilling on it, sipping and blowing. it was actually alright. then, about half-way down the cup it starts.
my teeth start to clench. immediately i recognize the sensation. it’s the same ole blow feeling. and i start thinking… worst! then, right on cue, comes the motor mouth. my achilles heel. i don’t know dick about this damn project the guy’s talking about, but right then i was a motherfucking expert. i knew more about this shit than anything in the world, and i was going to talk about it. (in retrospect, i don’t think this bothered anyone. in fact, i think they were impressed with my caffeine-induced confidence.) so, this is where it begins to get really strange. the whole time, i knew what was going on. the coffee had gotten into my system, and i was getting the placebo effects of a fat-ass rail up my schnoz. just the same, right after i started talking, i started sniffling. you’ve all been there. it happens — but not with coffee! anyway, i’m sitting there in a pretty important meeting with clenched teeth, sweating, hunched back, talking a mile a minute, sniffling like david crosby. i am ashamed of this, bigtime, and because of that, i am never drinking coffee again. i am not allowed. ever.
this is my message to you little boys and girls out there. never do drugs, because you’ll never be able to drink coffee again at all.
or maybe that’s just me.
moral of the story — drug users can get good jobs. i got the job this afternoon, even though i was a skiiiiiid up wreck at my “interview.”
unrelated final thought. braves are poised to burn past the mets. roughty, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye! 🙂