Archive for the 'gambling' Category

stoney’s not home

So I went to the Win Star casino in Nowhere Ville OK. Upon arrival I had thirty-seven dollars in my pocket. After three hours of slots I managed to lose about one hundred dollars and left the casino with exactly zero dollars. Also, as you all can see, I am no good at picking football games. It’s so cliché to quit while you’re ahead.

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Bitches…Based Upon a True Story

You are all a bunch of bitches. ‘boo hoo, i hold down the blog all on my own–sniffle, sniffle, nobody helps me out’. Now, no one is producing shit except for twitch’s brainless miney mo of football picks. the grand introduction you were afforded was quite undue. Stoney was apparently wrong in his fear of unleashing the savage that must have been. I was expecting more ridiculous puttering buttholes and second grade male teacher fantasies, but i guess the life of a savage cannot include the blog, though true savagery also does not recognize the 70 down genital coddling that is football. Yes, i love football and sports, and many unsavage things, but i do not and have never claimed to be a savage. Far from it, i am more a pinkie flipped, tea drinking, legs crossing, former weed smoker who has done everything in his power to reject savage lawless behavior for the groovy rewarding of responsibility (sarcasm).

twitch, i’m sorry for the blatant attack, but your work is limited to picking, often accurately, the upcoming weekend’s games. you offer no commentary and hardly any shittalking. i was expecting you to be ripping and stoney claimed to be anxiously anticipating the coming shittalking brought with football.

stoney, you’re gay. bucs suck, ‘your’ steelers are winning, and i can undoubtedly bet my entire net worth of -200 dollars that you have yet to watch a single play. well, maybe if i lose then me paying negative 200 dollars would actually mean i get paid 200 dollars!?! shit, why didn’t i think about that before? i think i might have a good case for wachode and chase you down a dark alley and beat you with a proverbial debt bat credit cards.

suit, simply said, thanks for the sushi dinner and getting me into academia where i certainly do not belong.

on to me, i still can’t make any money with no bills to pay and working all the time. i’m a piece of shit who fights with his girlfriend all the time and watches sports rather than do anything else. i literally have to think about, no, draw up a spreadsheet of pros and cons whether to buy an iced tea for my smoldering ashtray asshole mouth. on a lighter note, i am happy to inform you all that i have been successfully mining green gold from the deepest caverns of the Upper Dank Nasal River, wiping them on and flicking them toward all unsuspecting victims. Be careful where you reach or grap for balance when leaning to pick up that damn elusive runaway pencil. there may be a boogie man lurking in the shadows–one of my minions of ectoslime.

roughty, well you a bitch ass nancy who can’t handle liquor. i guess this is as good a time as any to relate my recent visit to the confederate capitol in which nancy reagan, roughty-as he is first lady, resides. I arrived in his spacious 13 bedroom apartment to remember the all to familiar later 1420 A smell. yes, quite noxious. however, if you have not been depraved enough to cross the river of burnt matchsticks, pay the toll man, Mikey, and sneak past the snarling starving beasts willing to tear your flesh for its first meal since a woman had visited (rarely and never prolonged), to find the beasts’ litter box, then you can hardly imagine roughty’s. overflowing like a bloated pot of chili, the smell sticks to your skin and dampens your hair and cannot be removed by the sticky shower and mildewed-bottom of the pile towel you will be lent. after given the grand tour of his apartment modeled after a bunker in Fallujah and seriously debating wearing my flip flops in the shower, I air-dried for fear of putting the towel on my head, and then roughty and i set out to watch the mets inevitably blow it and hopefully find college football game on a nearby tv at the bar.

as everyone know the mets blew it, but not without a shimmer of hope for those unfortunate enough to confuse the ny mets for the recently swept phillies with a 13-1 shallacking on that day. well, we sat and drank beer and i ate a hockey puck with bacon and cheese, roughty in nothing out of the ordinary, drinking 1-2 more beers at the bar. This will come in to play soon, but everyone should know that roughty drinking 1-2 more beers with his typical diet versus mine would be no excuse for the ultimate shamery to come. we split the tab and went down stairs where i decisively defeated roughty in the first victory of the night-ping pong. when exiting the bar i wisely asked roughty if he had paid the second tab as he had lost the wager, moronically trusting the word of a drunken irishman. he walked out on that one and we moved to his sister’s boyfriend’s house where he exploded the tonic everywhere and left the floor adhesive. roughty made the drinks, one per person, and after thoroughly wearing out our welcome, we proceeded to dinner. both of us sitting slumped waiting for our respective lasagna and sub, i began to feel the stupor of Diana and Bacchus’s love union and looked across the table at the waning, leaning tower of a slurring man. Immediately upon finishing Roughty stood up and implored me to “get out of here” claiming we were done. Being the naive sentimentalist, I asked, ‘don’t we have to wait for the waitress? No? We can pay up front?’ this was the second, but failed attempt to walk out on a tab. He ended up begrudgingly paying the unfair tarif for both of us, saying, “you ive me sa money layter” i forgot.

well, we walked the few blocks home sandwich in tow knowing the state of affairs of any autonomous stonies’ kitchen. We arrived home and shortly after, i snapped this picture:

roughty.gif

**will not upload-does not meet security guidelines**

i guess the material is too sensitive. a picture of roughty passed out at 8:30 p.m. would surely explode the head of any with knowledge of him.

so, he passed out and was eventually roused with threats of exposing his nanciness. in another failure of the night, roughty,quite out of character,did not shag the fly puerto rican girl that wanted his nutsack. instead, quite in character, he was content to be defeated in video games while she watched.

1st Victory- Ping Pong

2nd Victory- Drinking

3rd Victory- Madden (Roughty quit before half, I forced him to finish the half at least)

4th Victory- MVP 2005 (Red Sox defeat Mets at Shea-3-1. Big Papi eventual game winning homer in top 8th. )

5th Victory- Madden (again)

Roughty would only chalk his days losses to 0-4, but i assure you he was spent on drinking as i mixed up another gin. The next day i awoke to roughty going to work where i was going for a stoney style free brunch (remember the trellis? sweet) when my lady cracked the whip and was bitching, so i had to go home.

It was a very enjoyable trip. I only shit talk now because i have the god given right to make my friends feel bad for putting me up and paying for a dinner he wanted to walk out on. i only got slapped in the face once, which by anyone’s standards is another victory. i had a good time and a lesson in hopeless savagery. Now it’s time to get in my mom’s car and go eat McDonald’s and relay my exact gps coordinates to the wife.

signing off:

olderpete.jpg

Twitch’s Picks

WEEK 5

CLE @ NE – pats

SEA @ PIT– pit  

CAR @ NO-car  

DET @ WAS– was

NYJ @ NYG – nyg

MIA @ HOU– mia

ATL @ TEN -ten

JAC @ KC-kc  

ARI @ STL-stl  

TB @ IND -ind

SD @ DEN-den

BAL @ SF -sf

CHI @ GB -chi

DAL @ BUF-dal

Twitch’s Picks

WEEK 4

HOU @ ATL– I’ll Take the Texans

BAL @ CLE– Going with the Ravens on this one

OAK @ MIA– Dolphins win

CHI @ DET– Da Bears

NYJ @ BUF– Jets over Bills

GB @ MIN– Green bay over Vikings, Favre is greatness

STL @ DAL– Dallas over Rams, still dislike Wade Phillips

SEA @ SF– Seahawks over the Niners

TB @ CAR– Panthers over the bucks

KC @ SD– Going with Chargers, Larry Johnson is Worthless

DEN @ IND– Denver will win in Indy, I hope

PIT @ ARI– Steelers over Cards

PHI @ NYG– Give me Philly over the Giants, sorry.

NE @ CIN– Amazing team give me New England

WEEK 3 RESULTS

Giants win Broncos lose Blah Blah Blah

My record = 29-19

 

 

Twitch’s Picks

Week 3

STL @ TB– I’m going with the bucks this week

SF @ PIT– Go big Ben. Pit wins.

BUF @ NE– Pats win this one, cheaters.

MIN @ KC – Vikings over the chefs.

IND @ HOU – big manning will win again

DET @ PHI -eagles will beat the lions

MIA @ NYJ – dolphins will win over jets

ARI @ BAL– giving this one to the ravens

SD @ GB – favre wins

JAC @ DEN – Go broncos

CLE @ OAK– browns win

CIN @ SEA – cin with the win

NYG @ WAS – redskins win

CAR @ ATL – panthers

DAL @ CHI – da bears

TEN @ NO– ten with the win

WEEK 2 RESULTS

Dank went 0-4 last week

Stoney called the bucks win

Suit’s Redskins get the unexpected win

After two weeks my record is 20-12 not to shabby

New York Football Giants Suck, sorry

phewww….

i just farted in my cubicle again, but it went through the whole office.  sweet.

Twitch’s Picks

NFL WEEK TWO PICS

IND @ TEN – Big manning will get the job done. Colts win.

GB @ NYG – The little Manning’s shoulder injury might hurt the Giants this week. Farve is so old but I’m thinking he’ll win on Sunday. Sorry

CIN @ CLE – We all love that dancing monkey. CIN with the win. Dance monkey!

HOU @ CAR – Who care’s? Carolina wins.

NO @ TB – Saints stomp Stoner’s swashbucklers.

BUF @ PIT – Big Ben is back. Stoney’s Steelers will win this one.

ATL @ JAC – No Vick. Jags win. Vag ick

SF @ STL – Rams will win at home.

MIN @ DET – I’m pulling for Detroit, don’t know why.

SEA @ ARI – Arizona

DAL @ MIA – I think the Cowboys will win

KC @ CHI – I pick Da bears

NYJ @ BAL – Ravens win. New York teams = no good.

OAK @ DEN – I have to take Denver at home over Oakland. I like Cutler. Oakland sucks!

SD @ NE – Possibly the best game this week. Put your money on the patriotic Patriots. Maybe they cheat?

WAS @ PHI – I think the Eagles will win but Washington looks good this year.