Archive for the 'work' Category

A Great Awakening: The Blog Revival

Well, my plan worked.  Everyone is gone and there is nobody to read/write entries.  All mine!  mwhaahaahaa.  Anyway, it’s been awhile and I just wanted to start off by telling everyone that they are gay. 

 For news, well, I ran into a long lost brother: III dog.  I was standing outside of an academic building dreading the fact that I had to go to class and up walks the one the only.  But, does everyone know that grad school is for fags?  This shit blows and if you ever feel any inclination to lead a more fulfilling life and escape your wage slavery–don’t.  Yes, that’s right.  You have an eyewitness that is telling you.  Live an unfulfilling, selfish life.  Work, put in your eight hours, go home, and forget about what hell you just went through.  The beauty of work is that you can leave it at the office if you want.  Grad school is gay.  I’ve actually decided to do my reading for once and now all I do is fucking read.  Read, Read, REad.  And, some may say,  “well, that guy is lucky.  He is enlightening his brain and reading interesting stuff.”  Well, if you think that is the case you are sorely mistaken.  Nothing is interesting in my course of study.  I mean, does anyone find gender roles in Antebellum (pre-war) America interesting?  No, only man-hating lezzies.  Well, I guess I miss not reading cool stuff and listening to people talk about it. 

On another note, all the nay-sayer can eat a big fat because the Giants won the Super Bowl.  Yep, that’s right, Giants.  As for shit-talk for upcoming events, Red Sox are looking to defend their championship.  Unfortunately, I’ll be stuck watching the National League suck the big one. 

Anyway, I’ve got to go eat dinner at 7 -11.  Ahh, the good life. 

 Also, stoney, suit, roughty, and twitch are gay. 

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phewww….

i just farted in my cubicle again, but it went through the whole office.  sweet.

Work

Me working (performed at work)

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This is really not funny, but…

… it’s still funny as shit.  i told mr dankkkkkkk on the phone already, but you’ll all appreciate this little gold nugget.

sooo, i told you that i work at a school, right?  well, anyways, my boss is out of town — in sri lanka, actually (not doing drugs or getting blowjobs — aka he’s wasting his time), but during this trip, i’ve been running the show in this class that i’m also enrolled in.  ok, so the dean was pissed off that i was in charge and am not a professor, so he made my boss’s boss sit in on the class while he’s out of town.  his reasoning?  and i quote, “what if someone starts stripping in class?  the g.a. [me] can’t be responsible for those liability issues.”  so, my dept. head and i were laughing about that.  i mean, who strips in class?  nobody, right?  i told her i’d rather have some VT type shit pop off than have some lady start ripping her clothes off in class.

ok, so fast forward to last night’s class.  the lecture was going on, and about an hour into the class, we took a break.  i smoked a cig, and on the walk back to the class i see this dude (i’m not saying he was black or anything, but he wasn’t white, hispanic, asian, american indian or pacific islander) walking through the hallway.  i didn’t recognize him, but no big deal. 

so, about 30 minutes later, i see this hand come in the doorway of the class.  it was the same guy, but i didn’t make the connection at the time.  he pulled the door almost shut so it was only opened like 4 or 5 inches, maybe.  i figured he was studying or talking on the phone, and we were distracting him.  again, no big deal.

then, like 10 minutes later, this lady in my class whispered my name from across the room.  i walk over there and sit down.  she says, “there’s this black guy masturbating in the doorway!”  [pffft]  i didn’t know what to think, so i look over there, and sure enough, there he stands, dick in his hands, wacking it in the doorway of my classroom!  right there so this lady has no choice but to look at his junk!  my department head says to me, “call the cops right now.”  so, i go out of the class toward my office.  by this time, the dude has zipped up and is digging it to the exit.  i saw the back of his head, and he was gone. 

 hahahaha.

 so, i called the cops, and they’ve been interviewing me and my classmate all day long!  how funny is that shit?  with all the porn on the internet, this dude is going to wack it in public to a bunch of 40-60 year-old school teachers?!  w….t….fuck?!  that is some deviant shit fo-rizzle.  the cops didn’t catch him, and in my conversations with them over the past day, they’ve had like 4 other reports about him doing the same shit all summer long. 

my hope is that i’ll catch him next time.  i see myself tackling him and kicking him in the balls.  that’d be funny, but what happens if my hand accidentally touches his johnson or ballsack? 

does that make me gay? 

seriously? 

does it? 

cuz…  

i mean…

 (i really am not sure if i can handle that.)

so, anyways, that’s my funny story.  i’ll bet stoney never saw no shit like that in venice beach!  so, for all you easterners, stop packing your bags.  there’s no need to go west.  we’ve got plenty of sick fucks in this part of the country, too.

Under The Radar

Under The Radar, or “UTR,” is a very important concept to understand and implement, if you are of a similar mindset to me. I’m not sure exactly how to pin down my “mindset,” but at this job, I’m pretty lazy and like to do the bare minimum. I’d like to add that it wasn’t always like this at my job; when I first started, this was my first job, I was gung-ho, blabla….but after a year and a half, I have concluded that my best option is to keep my head down and do what I’m told.

UTR means that you do your job right the first time, and that no management wants or needs to talk to you day-to-day. You’re doing your job, everything goes up on time, no mistakes, whambamthankyoumam.

I have touched briefly on this concept early in the blog, but wanted to outline some key points of achieving and maintaining Under The Radar status for the neophytes and job-seekers out there.

1. Show up on time every day, and do your job. Lateness and skipping work leads to other people doing what you usually do. If other people can take care of your bullshit when you are there, why do you need to be there? Come to work every single day on time, and you are literally more than halfway there to being UTR.

2. Don’t make mistakes. Mistakes create confusion and scrutiny. Fingers usually end up pointed at the person below you, so if you are at the bottom, which you probably are if you are reading this blog, then you should not fuck up, so nobody is pointing their finger at you.

3. Maintain professional distance from your coworkers. When you become friends with your coworkers, keep in mind that you spend more time with them than with you do your significant other, or roommates. When you bring someone from work into your life, and show them how wasted you get, or how many steroids you do, they are going to automatically take that knowledge with them to the workplace, and it will affect their view of how you do your job. It is most wise to create a firm, though friendly, wall between your job and your real life. Work-related BBQs and the occasional happy hour with the gang are different than becoming homies with DW from sales and doing coke at the bar with him. When you cross that line, it is impossible to come back.

4. Don’t be the go-to guy. The go-to guy, in my experience, always has 2x as much shit to get done as the normal guy. Why be that person? Are you really getting paid that much, or do you just take THAT much pride in your shithole assistant position? It is important to create distance between yourself and the management nexus, which creates and distributes the given workload.

5. Build relationships with people who support similar UTR mindsets. If you are in an office with 1/2 worker bees and 1/2 UTRs, why would you want to be friends with the workers? Fuck them, they are not doing it right. A spiderweb network of UTR assassins creates a safety net of similar-minded people who can back you up when and if necessary.

6. Create a certain aura of mystery around your duties. If nobody knows what you are doing, then how can they talk shit on you? When you look busy, but nobody knows what you are doing, people will usually give you a nice little bubble of privacy, so that you can carry on in your mission to underperform as strongly as possible. In an earlier post, I mentioned frowning. A good frown on your face for more than 50% of the day should be enough to convince people that a) you are busy working and b) whatever you are doing sucks, so nobody else wants to do it.

That’s pretty much it. Come to work, do your job, be friends with people who are also into slacking (but don’t buy weed from the same dealer), and don’t put yourself into a situation where you are the “Golden Boy.” The thing about Golden Boy status is, that it always fades.

I hope my Under The Radar thoughts help you in achieving your goal. If you are reading this blog at work, then it’s a fact that you have at least a little slacker in you. Don’t let the Man take away your slack. That’s a bunch of bullshit.

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Alright, it’s official…

… i am not allowed to drink coffee anymore at all. 

ok, let me start out by telling everyone who doesn’t know that i am a recoving/-ed blow-fiend.  (just now i was looking for pics to post right here but decided against it.  such pics are a bad idea.  ganga pics are one thing, but straws, razor blades…  i don’t think so.)  anyway, about my addiction — it wasn’t a long one — really just about 2 years, that’s it.  not that long at all.  but it was bad.  i don’t know if i believe the hype about “addictive personalities” or any of that, but i really liked the chizzzowder for serious. 

here’s a short sidebar.  ok, so i just came downstairs in 1420 a, and i’m trying to keep it together.  everything’s fine, and then all of a sudden, i start tasting this awful (at least it was awful at the time) drip going down the back of my throat.  i was all like, “dude, i think this shit is fucked up.  i’m getting this bad taste down my throat.”  sir stoney of stonesylvania starts busting out laughing and, between his already clenched teeth says, “you’ll learn to love it.”  and i did.

 so that’s the sidebar.  i liked it alright.  spent lots of money, 80 bucks at a time, til i had none left.  anyway, it’s been about a year and change, and i’m clean as a whistle.  all that shit is behind me except for the guilty feeling i get anytime i’m still awake when the birds are already chirping.  anyway, it’s done now.

so… back to the story… i’m about to switch jobs and i was at a meeting this morning with this guy who wants to give me some money to write this big paper.  so he says, “you want a cup of coffee?”  i said, “no thanks, it makes me a little nervous.”  he said, “come on, i just got this new kind.  you’ll like it.”  so what am i going to do?  offend this guy who wants to give me green green money by turning down his delicious coffee?!  no.  that’s not me.  i don’t make waves like that on purpose.  so i says, “sure, i’ll have a small cup.” 

so i’m chilling on it, sipping and blowing.  it was actually alright.  then, about half-way down the cup it starts. 

my teeth start to clench.  immediately i recognize the sensation.  it’s the same ole blow feeling.  and i start thinking… worst!  then, right on cue, comes the motor mouth.  my achilles heel.  i don’t know dick about this damn project the guy’s talking about, but right then i was a motherfucking expert.  i knew more about this shit than anything in the world, and i was going to talk about it.  (in retrospect, i don’t think this bothered anyone.  in fact, i think they were impressed with my caffeine-induced confidence.)  so, this is where it begins to get really strange.  the whole time, i knew what was going on.  the coffee had gotten into my system, and i was getting the placebo effects of a fat-ass rail up my schnoz.  just the same, right after i started talking, i started sniffling.  you’ve all been there.  it happens — but not with coffee!  anyway, i’m sitting there in a pretty important meeting with clenched teeth, sweating, hunched back, talking a mile a minute, sniffling like david crosby.  i am ashamed of this, bigtime, and because of that, i am never drinking coffee again.  i am not allowed.  ever.

this is my message to you little boys and girls out there.  never do drugs, because you’ll never be able to drink coffee again at all.

or maybe that’s just me.

moral of the story — drug users can get good jobs.  i got the job this afternoon, even though i was a skiiiiiid up wreck at my “interview.”

unrelated final thought.  braves are poised to burn past the mets.  roughty, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye!  🙂

America vs. Brits: Who Rocks Harder?

Part 1 of a 2 part series.

The Beatles. Elvis. Jimi Hendrix.  The Doors. The Rolling Stones. Nirvana. The music will never stop. Ever.

One of my favorite quotes, from any song, is from the Libertines, “If you’ve lost your faith and love in music, then the end won’t be long.” People will never lose faith in the music, and rock and roll has been around for about 50 years now, and there are two schools of Rock. Brits and Americans.

Americans will always love British rock…Beatles, Stones, Radiohead, Zeppelin. Americans generally diss on their own kind, in favor of their tea-carrying pansy grandparents. I’m just going to lay it on you, and SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE that American rock and roll rocks harder than British shit does.

I admit, I used to be a Brit-head. At one time, the only bands I ever listened to were British rock bands…Beatles, Stones, Zeppelin, Radiohead, Libertines. It wasn’t out of “being cool” or being indie or any shit like that. I was just really into the Beatles, Zep and Radiohead, which then transferred into Stones, and then later, I found the Libertines, and listened to that shit non-stop. Non-Stop.

Let’s break it down, blow by blow. I am assuming you fucktards have listened to all of these bands, they aren’t that indie.

Brits First

The Beatles– the fucking Beatles. They invented the modern conception of what it means to be a rockstar. The Beatles’ influence on rock music, culture and history is undeniable. Something to note…The Beatles worked so hard on their music, copying American Rock and Roll that was going on at the time. They idolized Roy Orbison, Elvis and Bob Dylan. They were in love with America, and America was in love with the Beatles.

The Rolling Stones– the archetype badass band. Savage, country-western, badass fools.

Led Zeppelin- The Zep is the one of the most legendary bands of all time, with mysterious deaths, Satanism, dubious fish usage. Zep took the Stones’ wildness to another level, and that’s why Zep couldn’t last more than 10 years. They recorded Zep I and Zep II in the same year. It took them one night to record all of Zep I, one of the greatest rock albums of all time. How the fuck can you make a Joan Baez song rock? Zep did it.

That’s all the old people I’m going to get into. Fuck The Who.

Radiohead– Radiohead is arguably the greatest band in our generation, a serious attempt to create art through distortion pedals. Creep, although overplayed and made fun of, is one of the best rock songs ever. Just 4 chords over and over, what a fucking song.

Libertines/ Babyshambles– Pete Doherty is a modern-day savage, in the mold of the old American rock stars. He’s 28 now, which means he missed the CRUCIAL deadline of dying by overdose by the age of 27. Now, if he wants to keep his title of savage, he has to live until he’s 80, like Keith Richards. If he didn’t die yet, he shouldn’t die for a long time. To ignore the Libertines and Babyshambles because of his annoying habit of getting arrested and making headlines with supermodels, you are ignoring a force of nature.

In addition to the major savages, the Brits do carry a very, very solid lineup of lesser savages, who are nevertheless savages who carry the queen’s undies for a flag.

Ozzy- Prince of Darkness

Arctic Monkeys– Relatively Newbs…have you listened to these songs? They are NUTS.

Oasis– old hands in the kingdom of lesser savages. Bitter, gay brother bitch fights have reduced this band to a soap opera who sometimes plays guitar. Weak effort.

The Animals– House of the Rising Sun, anyone?

David Bowie– Transvestite savage, not from this planet I think

Queen– flaming homosexual rockstar. What a fucking badass. Roughty posted “another one bites the dust,” and it was nice.

The Who– suck

Sum-up for the Brits. The best old Brit bands are the ones who are the best at copying the American style (Stones, Beatles, Zep). These are the bands that grew up listening to Elvis, and old-school blues and country, and mashed it all up with a heavy amp, and distortion when necessary.

The new school of Brits, including Radiohead and the Babyshambles, are pushing into their own element. They are not so much copying Americans, as they are creating a whole new thing. The new Brits are really pushing the envelope of “What it means to Rock the Fuck out,” but sometimes, I feel like they get tripped up in their attempts of grandeur. I think Coldplay is a good example of a band that pushed too hard in one direction, and kind of turned into jelly in the stratosphere. Keep it simple, Brits, Keep it simple.

Overextension is a defining trait of the Brits, and one that often leads to their downfall. Think American Colonies, other colonies around the world, Iraq, and Spice Girls.