Archive for the 'shitstem' Category
Fear not ye who stare in dumbblankfacerificatio. This blasphemous affront from he with the royal nose and created royal lineage will be met with brutally harsh impunity. He will be crushed with my iron gauntlet as I mold his flacid will like a piece of wet clay.
The King’s claim to royal lineage is false and ridiculous. My children, King Stoney was once a young grasshopper in my School of Debaucherous Edification. This State sponsored program reluctantly admitted the Prince to imbue the naive Prince with the necessary rejection of extravagant material objects and extravagant g.p.a.’s . What the young Prince did not realize is that this propagandalistic program of debaucherous inundation and and murdering of reason was to weaken the privileged for our worker’s revolution. My arduous work of the last few months, day in and out, working into the wee hours of the night, was for the building of my barnesian army.
I am a man of the people. My father, a poor dirt farmer who struck oil through his rural education, rose through the ranks of the privileged like the early Blogres lineage that King Stoney claims. Abandoning me in his quest for the tainted coin, I was raised in the hardened industrial center of our land. I am a worker that will crush the priviliged and distribute their wealth to the people. Rise against your attacking tyrannical despot who rules with wild passion and uncontrolled partiality. Join the ranks of the industrialized worker. Sign up at your local Volkswagen dealer.
In my brilliant plan of genius, I paved the way to revolution through my puppet P.M. Sunburner. He is a weak man of the senses swayed toward the passion. He is a weakened by his addiction to the witch’s brew squeezed of the rotten teat. His ludicrous claim of peak conditioning and corpus care are being revealed by the pictures provided by Morel the Destoryer, a man of truth.
Taken after his royal decree last night
Suppressing the Truth
Destroyed by his Extravagance–Poisoned by Morel the Truthsayer
Let this be a lesson to all who oppose the strengthening of the Bloggerland. Sunburner is an example of any who stand in the way of our glorious revolution of the people. Treacherous lechery will be Punished!
In a predictable unexpected turn of events, P.M. Sunburner has disposed of his newly befriended assassin. In his ruthless ruthnicity, the P.M. beguiled the attacker into a partnership of death. No, not the scythe to his iron hand, the attacker became the victim of his glorious impunity. The colossal hand that now makes Blogres strong and empowered to meet the agression of any would-be agressors has come down on any who oppose it.
It seems that shortly after the Toast of Sunburnable Brotherhood the P.M. threw the attacker off of the Royal Balcony where he plummeted to the marble floor, falling to his death. The P.M.’s delight in destroying all those who oppose the Bloggerland will assure the people of his pledge to protect the people from the royal despotism with brutal force. “I will destroy all those who oppose my shepherding of the followers of the Book of Savagery”, said the P.M., “But, I will usher in a newer, stronger Iron-age in which our land is impervious to the flacid assaults of limp troglodytes.”
The P.M.’s promise of a stronger land rising from the ashes of the former King’s debaucherous disregard for public affairs was compounded by a State exposition of strength, physical prowess, and the P.M.’s superior body type. “Not only through genes, but arduously hard repetition, can you too approach my chiseled greatness. I take care of my body, I am believe in preserving the sanctimonious temple which is the human body. I am outlawing all manufacturing, sale, distribution, consumption, and even speaking of substances harmful to the realization of your goal to approach the human specimen that is me. Any caught consuming drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or polska kielbasa will immediately be executed. Do not fear my children–I will liquidate the threats to our ever-lasting security. Everything Must Go!”
–Morel the Destoyer–
Brought to you by our friends at Costco–Destroying Small Businesses One Zip Code at a Time
Exactly the type of citizens his gloriousness wants. Both the violent teens and the complacent videographers. Don’t forget to check out our new thirteen year old punani section. Now in boxes of a dozen– baker’s dozen that is. –Costco 😉
The drama of the foreign invasion has escalated in the last few hours as P.M. Leopold Sunburner was attacked by a would-be assasin while giving his second decree.
The identity of the attacker has been revealed. In a tribute to the long forgotten fighter of injustice, El Kabong, the defiler of the sanctity of the sanctimonious new P.M., was stopped not by security, but the iron hand of Sunburner.
His foiling of the attempt was not accompanied with a bum rush of security or the summary execution as expected, but a peace offering. It seems the P.M. recognizes the assailant as the now dishonored and disgraced former American presidential candidate. Aligned closely in their political persuasion, they ironically have become great friends and confidants. A proposed consulship and extermination of the exiled King is rumored to have and still be considered.
We, the Royal Press, will continue to bring you the continued late breaking newsworthy news. Heil Sunburner.
A Message From Our Sponsor:
“Do you want to get fingered or do you want to get fucked?” Come on down to Funtown Auto.
What the fuck is up with cyclists these days? How many of them have to get busted or be shady before it’s just done, and they either quit testing or quit using.
So far the count is 3 out this year for being shady, including an entire team getting kicked out of the Tour de France for doping. Must suck to get busted for a drug that doesn’t even get you high.
Last year was hilarious, with Floyd Landis winning and then getting busted at the end. Classic. Floyd Landis, if you haven’t heard, is one fucking weird looking dude.
Now this year, the leader of the race was kicked off his team, for missing two random drug tests. He says he was “in Mexico.” I’ve been to Mexico, and it always involves doing drugs of some kind. He should have said he was in Russia or something, or South Asia.
Anyway, why don’t they quit? Don’t they know that when you are a mickey mouse rider, and all the sudden you kill everybody, that they are going to drug test you? After everyone is getting busted so bad….you STILL want to go do drugs?
I blame the French. Their weak-willed, socialist society cannot handle the responsibility of enforcing the rules, so now, the entire fucking scene has become a joke.
Freedom Fries Forever, bitches.
At least in America, we know that the athletes we love and admire come clean to the game, and keep the true spirit of competition alive by playing fair, and sticking to the rules.
God Bless America
I’ve got one hand to type with, so it won;t be much. My one hand however will blow your proverbial loads with the profundity of my blogging wizardry. just returned from afar and am currently ‘sojourning in society’ (name that author) to the desperate delight of all you unsavage settled society sinners. in this jingle jangle morning without a tambourine i am inspired to waste more space on the blog. in my absence and natural objective disconnection combined with a previous feeling i must say we have all become lazy. we have relied on pictures to glitter our stories with extra sensory excitement. with that said, here’s some of that…
For all of us Americans. Yippee kay yay motherfuckers. oh yeah, james marshall served in the 101st till he broke his leg on a jump. Currahee! i know i celebrated in true american fashion on white man don’t pay your taxes day–i blew shit up.
p.s. i’m just going to start Dankknuggets’s weekly music video. it will however be more like whenever i get to it and i’ll prolly get tired after like three. oh, zack kim is retroactively part of this mini series, so i guess there’s one left. well, here goes…
p.s.s. just cause i’ve been out of contact for awhile– roughty, you’re a bitch. and who the hell is gn? and once again, roughty, you’re a bitch.
check below too, related but not the same.
(those periods are for you, stonesylvania.)
i have been delinquent lately and didn’t know about either of stoney’s guys’ debauchery. i wish i had, but politics is boring — even when it deals with blowww and hookers. i won’t vote for this guy any more now than i would have before i knew about the drugs and sex. until i meet a politician who will look you in the eye and say he’s never made a mistake and he never plans to make one, i’ll be fairly convinced i could do a better job governing myself than any of them could. i mean, jiuliani (or “orange” [in honor of his boy’s huge nose candy purchase] julius as i will call him from this day forward) doesn’t even know me. how the shit is he supposed to know what decisions are in my best interest? in the old days, way on back in the days of grunting, beards and hunter/gatherers, people would form a society to protect themselves from other societies (not to mention the ravenous sabre-tooth tigers, mastadons, etc.). i’m sure at the beginning of society, some guy was laying out, chilling in the cut, maybe reading a playboy and minding his own bidness, and the tribe leader said to him, “glork, you better get that firewood. the rest of us are counting on your lazy ass.” and glork was thinking, “damn, it was so much better when i could do whatever the hell i wanted to do without all these dicks bossing me all the time.” but you know what glork did? he collected the wood. because he needed the protection that could only be afforded by the society. nowadays, people don’t think like that, in my opinion. nowadays, people simply accept the fact that they were born into a society, and so that must be the best place for them to be. i stand that this is simply no longer the case. man has tamed the shit out of nature. we don’t have anything to worry about except snake bites and the occasional shark attack. furthermore, no human cares enough about me to attack me. what the shit would they even do that for? waste of a bullet. i won’t attack them either. i can grow shit in my back yard and eat dogs and cats and squirrels and shit if it really comes right down to it. no reason for me to mess with anyone. my point? glad you asked. society is no longer the same shizzazzle it was back in the day. individuals don’t really need to protection of a huge gov’t. besides, when people did need such protection — take hurricane katrina, for instance — where the fuck was our great society? thumb up the ass, watching the weather channel and drinking beer, wondering where the hell they’d move mardi gras to… and that was george w. that proves (for me anyways) that society can no longer perform its primary function — protection of its members. that’s the main reason why i haven’t, don’t and won’t vote. you be asking yourself, “well then suit, why don’t you just LEAVE and do your own thing if you don’t like the american way?” well, this is a good point. i wonder this about myself sometimes, too. i think it comes down to this. i gotta get mine. if i left right now, i’d be broke before i got to a place where i could really do my own thing for real. you gotta have money to make a real move. hence, the master plan — participate in society to as minimal a degree as is practicable until i save up some real green. then, peace out. merc on to someplace where i can do my own thing without worrying about what anybody says. part of this minimal participation is making it a priority to not vote. voting would lock me in. i would start to follow this shitstem and never be able to break out.
(ps — when you register to vote, you also have to fill out a draft card. i knew this was a shitty idea when i was in high school, and so i didn’t fill out the shit. therefore, i am registered for neither voting nor slaughtering brown people.) ((pps — the gov’t teacher in 12th grade tried to fail me for for not filling out the form, but i aced all her tests, so she didn’t have a leg to stand on.))
as far as breeding terrorism, i’m either too stupid or too smart to question the fact that all politicians have spin doctors (and i don’t mean the “2 princes” spin doctors). to reference a simile i made earlier, discussing politics is like going all in on a blind hand of poker. doesn’t make any sense because you know neither what you have nor what your opponents have in their hands. all i know is this: the golden rule is faulty. “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” if we hurt the arabs, then we deserve to get sliced a bit, right? it’s the golden rule, after all. if arabs did bad things to us, they deserve to get bombed, too, right? it is in the golden rule. but then what? people all know the golden rule, yet bad stuff keeps happening. if people keep “doing unto others” based on what has been “done unto [them]”, we’ll all be fucking DEAD! this is not what i consider a good time. the golden rule doesn’t work. it just breeds recursive murder wars. neither the victor nor the loser is ever happy. everyone’s still got a bone to pick, and the killing continues. here’s what i propose. throw out the golden rule. adopt another rule. how about the one jesus came up with? how about “turn the other cheek”? how about “love thine enemy”? i mean, america is a judeo-christian nation, right? it says so right on the money. that means we all believe in heaven, right? that means that what we do down here makes no difference in the big picture, right? sure. because heaven is eternal, but life on earth is “but a blink of the eye.” that means, if some asshole wants to shoot us, who cares? they’ll go to hell, and we’ll be laughing our balls off, playing hop-scotch with john lennon in heaven. fuck this killing. for real. i am over it all for real. a guy from my high school just got killed. i was a total ass to him (roids, teenage hormones, popularity… you know), and now i will never be able apologize or slap him a high five and come back on the flip side. it’s fucked up for real. and the worst part — he thought he was doing right by his country! sad sad scene.
so, any of you who have made it through this post are all stupider for having read it. i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls.
now, go slaughter some people whose skin is darker than your own!! before they do it to you first.
and don’t forget to vote. in fact, vote three times. keep on voting and voting until you cast a fat, brown ballot in your pants.