A Thievery: The Most Treacherous Roll Call

Hello, all. I stole this idea from Roughty. That’s right, you worthless Irish drunk, I stole your idea, and even used some of your examples…busted!

The Most Treacherous Roll Call represents the most-badass film and cartoon villains my stoned brain could think up, and research, while at work. I broke it down into two basic categories…cartoon and live-action.

Beebop and Rocksteady


Who doesn’t remember these clowns? Fucking Beebop and Rocksteady, the pig with piercings and the rhinoceros. To be honest, I don’t really remember the cartoon versions, but I do remember them from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze. “Num nums….num nums….” Shredder gets zero badass points for wearing a lawnmowing blades as a helmet, and being an overall bitchboy. Beepop and Rocksteady, salut!

Dr. Claw


You don’t fuck with Dr. Claw unless your name is Inspector Gadget. Why the fuck would you? He’s got a fat retarded cat, and a big claw that he uses to drive around his space ship in. Too bad, he never can seal the deal and just have gay robot sex with Inspector Gadget, that would have been a nice pair.

Frank, the treacherous savage from Blue Velvet


Oh Shit! Frank will fucking beat the shit out of you, kick you in the nuts, cut your ear off, let his buddies punch you in the face, sing Roy Orbinson songs to you, inhale a shitload of nitrous, make you sing weird songs, and then, fucking blow your face off, pop a pill and laugh about it with his boy. Frank is hands down one of the most treacherous assholes to ever walk the earth, the shit is NUTS.

Lone-Wolf, or Assassin with Son, or Shogun Assassin


You get the lowdown on this badass from his orphan son, Tiguro. Tiguro’s mom gets her ass cut in half, so Lone-wolf lays it down real simple for his son, the future maniac assassin killer. Lone-wolf puts Tiguro on the floor, and then puts a bright bouncy ball in front of him on one side, and a sword on the other. Then he tells Tiguro, who is about 1 1/2 years old, that if he chooses the ball, he gets to die and see his mom, and if he chooses the sword, he gets to go on the road with lone-wolf, and fuck up some ninjas. Tiguro obviously chooses the sword, which he picks up and starts killing ninjas immediately with. Lone-Wolf is a savage, and he’s kind of a good guy. His nasty streak runs too deep, though, for him to be a “real” good guy. We’ll let Ben Affleck take those parts.

Honorable Mention for Most Treacherous.

Rory Breaker, from Lock, Stock…


“If the milk turns sour, I ain’t the kind of pussy to drink it.”

He’s my weed-smoking candidate from this list too, because he’s got the sick chronizzles, slapdap dippidy.


2 Responses to “A Thievery: The Most Treacherous Roll Call”

  1. 1 Roughty McRoughton May 30, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    Highway fucking robbery indeed! Stoney just completely yoinked my Bebop & Rocksteady and Dr. Claw. I guess when you are a no talent ass clown, you have to leach off of your smarter, funnier, and more dashing friends.

  2. 2 korta.nu April 22, 2014 at 2:43 am

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