Twitchell Wins $50k Gambling, Sights Set on $1MM

Twitchie, you win.

Twitchie, you are a better gambler than I am.

Attention, ladies and gentleman, we have a skilled savage in our midst. Unfulfilled and malcontent with the life of a vagabond pirate, Twitchell has converted his sharp gambling skills and no-doubt overpowering table presence into a cool $50,000 US Dollars, and a seat at a 28-person tournament with a $1,000,000 US Dollar jackpot.

For those of you who don’t know Twitchie, this means much less to YOU than it does to ME.

Twitchell won a 241-person blackjack tournament on Friday, and now has his sights set on the $1 Million Dollar grand prize. It is unfuckingbelievable, and let me tell you a little more about why this is so ridiculous. Twitchie is an uncouth pirate, a degenerate criminal of the 2nd degree, and an all-around waste of space. I don’t say this in a bad way, but in a good way. Purity is a rare and valuable thing, and Twitchell is undoubtedly a pure scoundrel.

I have only one thing to say, and that is, “Good luck in the finals, you fucker.” I have major doubts that Twitchell will be able convert that 50k into a multi-year lifestyle of high living. With 50k of free, fresh winnings in my hand, I would be very very hardpressed not to throw a 3-week party, and I am a lot more responsible than Twitch. In other words, you better keep winning, and hit that $1 million jackpot if you want to keep living the dream. Otherwise, you better save half of that money, because I’m pretty sure the IRS is going to come knocking on your door exactly one year from today.

In the same vein, I paid my taxes today at the last possible minute. I owed $181 in federal and about $31 in state taxes, but the rebate should be nice in a little bit. The special lady got mad refunds, big time….

In the spirit of this day of payment and fear, let us all rejoice in Twitchell’s victory, and envision ourselves in his High Seat of Gambling Skill. To win a tournament with 241 people in it is not a mere act of “chance” or “luck.” That’s called skill, and it’s the very same reason that I have full faith in Twitchie’s ability to win the $1 million. I have a large and varied history of gambling, and believing in the good stuff, and being “sure” that I am going to come away the winner, whether it’s competition or just real life.

At the risk of jinxing the run, I predict Twitchell’s victory fully, the #1 champ, the $1 million dollar winner. I predict the win because I believe in the skill, not for any other reason.

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4 Responses to “Twitchell Wins $50k Gambling, Sights Set on $1MM”


  1. 1 twitch April 22, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    no comment

  2. 2 James April 22, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    Haha; keeping true to the always hilarious non-issues of SWS

    still good !

  3. 3 Anonymous June 26, 2011 at 10:59 am

    fuck you stoney

  4. 4 Anonymous June 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

    ^ that was twitch you bitch


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