Stoney Reviews His Ideals, Works to Become More Smarter

I’ve spent some time away from the blog, to try to get my shit together before I dump it on you. I feel unfocused and out of touch with this venue, like I am talking nonsense to people who won’t understand it anyway.

At any rate, I working on my priorities for you, so that hopefully I can find somebody to target with my Bullshit Slingshot. You have been warned.

First of all, the new Babyshambles album comes out next Monday, called “Shotter’s Nation.” I expect it to be Grade A quality fuck some shit up. Last night, Lady T called my good homie Pete out for being a…… “poser.” If you want to go and call a good savage like him a poser, for looking up to his elders and emulating ridiculousness, while putting his own spin on it…then I don’t know what.

Anyway, don’t buy the cd… STEAL IT!

www.albumbase.com

It’s pretty easy.

In other news, not only am I unfocused and out of touch with this blog, I feel the same for my life in general. Same fucking gay job, same fucking bullshit everyday. I shouldn’t be defining myself by my job, so I’ll try not. But if you are in the same place for nearly half the given hours of a day, it should be a place that you can handle without going fucking insane. Perhaps a common complaint from us working, well-off, young, slightly overweight, over-educated fuckheads, but nevertheless, it is valid.

Earlier today, I was promised a blog post by none other than Dank and Suit, a supposed collaboration. PFFFT is what I have to say to your bullshit. Neither of you bitches can get it together to put down a blog. Let’s not even forget that it’s fucking Friday, and there’s no way Suit will be able to get down and witty after a long day of giving Check +’s to college freshman on their classroom participation report cards. I predict a picture, or some other weak montage, with little commentary and zero insight. Weak effort, kids, I’m failing you before I even see your defecations.

And as for you Roughty, your weakness is inexcusable.

Twitch, good job on the football posts. Branch out a little bit, nutsac, it’s not like you can claim “business trips” are taking up your time, like Dank is trying to.

Anyway, peoples, the point is, there is absolutely jack shit going on here right now, and I don’t see that changing for a while. The crew is dropping the ball, big time.

Nobody has anything funny to say or anything, or anything. Who wants to think about the big bad world when we can just eat ice cream, smoke weed and watch Superbad on a 60-foot tall movie screen. Certainly, I choose ice cream weed and Superbad over political and philosophical debates any day.

To get back to what’s really important, I have been researching the Presidential candidates’ websites, and my verdict is in. Mitt Romney has the best website of any of them, far and away. His videos work quickly and well, the information is organized, and it seems like he has a full grasp on where he is going and what he is about. Obama and Guiliani both had somewhat weak sites, with slow loading times, less cohesion of ideas, and lots of speech videos, which I find uninformative and uninspiring.

Hillary Clinton, the person I am voting for, has a decent site. I found myself saying “happy” when I went there, whereas I said “it’s business time” when I went to Mitt Romney’s site. Hillary’s videos aren’t as quality as Mitt’s which I found kind of disturbing, considering how much money she has and what is at stake here.

Deep down, I’m torn between Mitt’s federalism and Hillary’s central government. Right now, there’s a news article on DrudgeReport with a headline that says Hillary is going to give each U.S. baby $5000 in government bonds to pay for college, etc.

That, quite frankly, is fucking ridiculous to me. The thought of giving every new baby a government grant like that is fucking nuts, and a huge step towards some form of socialism. Don’t ask me what kind, this is just shit talking.

Anyway, Mitt preaches “take care of yourself,” and Hillary is like “we’ll take care of you.” Personally, I think it would be better if everyone could take care of themselves, but I don’t think that it would ever happen like that. On the other hand, lots of people seem to not want to take care of themselves, and we shouldn’t be giving them the tools to fuck off so bad. Give me a break. I could never vote for Mitt, though, because he is a fucking lunatic war mongering Mormon at the end of the day, family values and the works. If we are going to blast Hill-dog for her 5k a baby plan, then I’d have to go back at Mitt for “double the size of Guantanamo” comment during his first debate. Wow.

Anyway, as usual, I have no direction and no purpose, and therefore no real function, and I will continue to broadcast my worthlessness until the government shuts our website down, or until I get fired from my job and have to go to the public library to check my email.

Twitch’s Picks

WEEK 4

HOU @ ATL– I’ll Take the Texans

BAL @ CLE– Going with the Ravens on this one

OAK @ MIA– Dolphins win

CHI @ DET– Da Bears

NYJ @ BUF– Jets over Bills

GB @ MIN– Green bay over Vikings, Favre is greatness

STL @ DAL– Dallas over Rams, still dislike Wade Phillips

SEA @ SF– Seahawks over the Niners

TB @ CAR– Panthers over the bucks

KC @ SD– Going with Chargers, Larry Johnson is Worthless

DEN @ IND– Denver will win in Indy, I hope

PIT @ ARI– Steelers over Cards

PHI @ NYG– Give me Philly over the Giants, sorry.

NE @ CIN– Amazing team give me New England

WEEK 3 RESULTS

Giants win Broncos lose Blah Blah Blah

My record = 29-19

 

 

CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP

What the fuck is everyone doing? I’m doing jack shit at work, and hating every minute of it.

Working on your resume really only makes you feel better if you’ve got a place to send it.

Projectplaylist.com

Check that shit out, free music.

CHOP. All you faggots are chopped for not blogging and being gay.

Bitches

Halo 3, Tokyo Game Show, and my wishes

Today was a big day in the gaming world.  As the enormous, all-encompassing Tokyo Game Show is raging on, Halo 3 was unleashed upon the population.  See also: massive online complications with Xbox Live. 

By all accounts Halo 3 is what has been expected.  An unbeatable multiplayer experience with a good (not great) campaign mode.  However, the adequate campaign mode will get a pass from most gamers, seeing as most people will be playing the newest installment of Halo with friends, online or off.  See also: massive alcohol consumption, shit talking, and plummeting grades.

 

Nothing can stand up to me, Master Chief.  Not your mom, girlfriend, social life, or grades.

I have recently become the proud owner of an Xbox 360, yet I did not pre-order a copy of Halo 3.  It looks like I will have to wait a couple of weeks before I enter the fray, however I am not worried.  I am currently engrossed in Bioshock, and I do not need some other nonsense to take up the minimal free time I have left.  See also: me being absent from this shitstem.

Yet, with all the hype surrounding the release of Halo 3, I did not feel the itch to quickly grab myself a copy.  Everytime I went into the GameStop around the corner to look for a Wii, purchase, or trade in some games, I was constantly assaulted by the sales associates about pre-ordering myself a copy.  These motherfuckers can really put a guilt trip on you, especially when you tire of their bullshit and tell them you are not insanely excited about Halo 3’s release.  From the looks I was receiving from people in the store that day, I thought I was going to be excommunicated from the Church of Microsoft.

Welcome to GameStop.  How can we obliterate your bank account today?

Despite the looks I receive from most gamers, I really was not excited about Halo 3’s release.  I will buy the game, and I am positive I will enjoy myself immensely, yet I did not feel I needed to have it right away.  There are two games for the 360 however, that I will be going apeshit over, and will be purchasing the day they are released.

ASSASSIN’S CREED

This game will be released this Novemeber, and it is being made by UbiSoft, the geniuses who brought my beloved Prince of Persia into the modern gaming age.  From initial accounts, Assassin’s Creed takes a lot of platforming (e.g. puzzle solving, wall climbing, environmental traversing) aspects from Prince of Persia and makes them better and more fluid.  If you have never played Prince of Persia, that is no easy feat.

Futhermore, this game is set during the Crusades in Jerusalem; an often overlooked time period in gaming.  According to UbiSoft, the combat system features over 14,000 different animations in which you can maneuver your character.  Not too much is known about the story, but I am extremely excited to get a hold of this game, and see what the minds at UbiSoft have created for a Crusades style assassin game.

NINJA GAIDEN II

If you have not played Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox, shame on you.  Shame, shame.  I got the first Ninja Gaiden the day it came out in 2004, and I still cannot put it down.  I have beaten a bunch of times, and have even bought the re-release which threw faster, more challenging enemies at Ryu Hayabusa.  There is not much more I can say about this game other than it is easily my favorite game in the last 15 years.

Naturally, with this kind of admiration for the first, I am eagerly awaiting the sequel.  Today I have seen the first video of gameplay from the Tokyo Game Show, and….WOW.  WOW.  The gameplay is fluid and beautiful as ever, and while I thought the graphics of the first already looked like the they were being churned out by the 360, I was amazed to see the strides made with this sequel.  And oh yes, it is much more grusome than the maddeningly grusome first, next generation installment.

For those loyal readers, you will remember many times on this blog I refer to my ninja alter ego, ninja powers, or ninja activities; Ninja Gaiden is the inspiration for all that nonsense.  The other Stonies used to bust my balls about my love for Ninja Gaiden, however Stoney has recently become hooked on this game while in LA.  If he ever gets enough wiggle room in his weed budget and buys a 360, I am sure this will be the only game he will buy.

Behold, the greatest game that will ever be on the 360.  That’s right, fuck off Halo 3. 

It is a bit long at 9 minutes, but I assure you, once Ryu starts dismembering and eviscerating, you will hardly notice the time going by.

If you own an Xbox 360 by the time this game is released next year, PICK IT UP.  It is a challenging (really challenging), fast, fun game in an era when these games are becoming rarer.  Oh sorry Dank, I know you wouldn’t mind buying about the millionth World War II game to be released.

Stoney is a war monger

Contrary to popular belief, this piece of shit blog isn’t dead yet. Roughty, you are slacking big time. Dank, you are a substitute teacher. Suit, you live in Virginia Beach.

I feel sad, but good about myself, when I compare my diminutive accomplishments to the even more worthless acts of my colleagues.

To tell the truth, this blog is a little bit like the Federalist Papers, except with a bent towards modern understanding and enjoyment. I mean, what’s the point of living life in the world today if you don’t get something out of it, and what is there to really get? I mean, the modern U.S. citizen chooses between two basic lines of thought: thinking with your big head or thinking with your little head. Don’t get offended, lades, it means the same thing to everyone across the board, with or without a penis. Let’s break it down, old school Good and Bad, people either learn and create, or they watch TV and procreate. Perhaps it’s a bit simple and dramatic, and I’m sure there are those out there who can achieve the middle ground. However, inventing a new school of philosophical thought is hard to do when you’ve got a mouth to feed. Just ask my homey Hemingway.

For me, the President of Iran secured George Bush’s place in history as a forward-thinking President, on the cutting edge of world politics. What the fuck? Well, when jackass Ahmadinejad said that “There are no homos in Iran,” and then he repeated it to make sure we all heard, I went Ding Ding Ding in my head. First of all, the jackasshole President of Columbia fucked up by calling the guy a “dictator.” The guy is clearly not a dictator, the Ayotollah or whatever is calling the shots, not the fucking figurehead president. So the jackass from Columbia starts the whole fucking charade with a false statement, geared towards sensational emotionalism, which clearly struck a chord with the president, the crowd, and everybody who watches. YAY! We all think as he calls the guy out for being a “dicatator.” Nevermind the fact that Iran is quite far from a dictatorship, and even if it was, President Ahmadinejad is only a figurehead, a puppet for the theocracy.

Anyway, the dude’s “homosexuals don’t exist” points to a deep, fundamental difference in cultural understanding between hardcore Fundamental Islam and the freedom that we say we represent. Also, please forget the fact that Fundamental Christians would probably be saying the same exact thing about homos if they were controlling a theocratic state. Anyway, this guy has the balls to talk about “academic freedom” and all this other shit, while at the same time denying a human phenomenon that has been around since the beginning of time. A human body has a certain number of holes, and some people like some holes more than other, and whatever happens culturally to support and encourage your love for your favorite Human Hole is called sexuality. Anyway, to deny that some people like to give/take it up the butt is like denying they have a butthole to violate in the first place. Think about it.

Anyway, this guy is writing a history for his people right now, he is coming to the land of the Crusading Infidels and giving it to us right in our face. I’ll be the first one to admit that the Iraq War and all other wars are fucked beyond fucked, but I will also be the first to admit that wars will never go away, just like flagrant homosexual buttsex won’t either.

After hearing him say that, with a straight face to an audience full of enlightened laughter, I discovered personally that we really are in a war with Iran, and that we do have to win it to prevent an Islamic worldwide proletariat Revolution. All of his statements about “not building a bomb” are just thrown out the window for me. Either the guy is a brilliant orator, who can face public humiliation in the face of his obvious lies, or he actually believes what he is saying, that there are no homos in Iran. Which one is scarier…being lied to about nuclear bombs, or listening to someone publicly plan the nuclear destruction of a global society. I’m not sure.

Anyway, just recently our President, GWB, has been getting thrashed like Denzel Washington gets thrashed by Mathew Broderick in Glory. Bla bla bla, fuck Bush, fuck this, fuck that. I want to know how many people voted for GW who are now talking shit. Mad shit. Don’t vote for him, then, you fucking retard.

Now, to my grand point. Yesterday, the President of Iran proved to the world, on live television in front of and enlightened, opinionated and divided audience in the greatest city in the USA, that he is not playing by our rules. Like Haganav wrote in one of the first political pieces on this blog, these people are not playing by our rules, it is Hamas rules.

The whole time, through this whole mess, I kept thinking to myself that maybe Iran was pursuing peaceful nuclear energy, that maybe everything really is just a spin for Israel, and that I would be proved right.

Wrong. George W. Bush, you got me. I still think you are a knucklehead, elitist fuckwheat, but you were right when you said that Ahmadinejad was a mortal enemy of the U.S,and our closest and most powerful ally, Israel. And I am beginning to think that you were right when you stood by your War on Terror and Islamic Fundamentalism (forget the fact that you fuckhead Christians aren’t any better).

I’m not saying Nuke the Fuckers, but please, nuke them before they nuke us.

PS- Do what the French do. Despite how much we hate them, they are usually right.

Twitch’s Picks

Week 3

STL @ TB– I’m going with the bucks this week

SF @ PIT– Go big Ben. Pit wins.

BUF @ NE– Pats win this one, cheaters.

MIN @ KC – Vikings over the chefs.

IND @ HOU – big manning will win again

DET @ PHI -eagles will beat the lions

MIA @ NYJ – dolphins will win over jets

ARI @ BAL– giving this one to the ravens

SD @ GB – favre wins

JAC @ DEN – Go broncos

CLE @ OAK– browns win

CIN @ SEA – cin with the win

NYG @ WAS – redskins win

CAR @ ATL – panthers

DAL @ CHI – da bears

TEN @ NO– ten with the win

WEEK 2 RESULTS

Dank went 0-4 last week

Stoney called the bucks win

Suit’s Redskins get the unexpected win

After two weeks my record is 20-12 not to shabby

New York Football Giants Suck, sorry

DankNuggets, Live on the Air

Earlier today, Danknuggets called me up from his new “job” on his first day ever. Dank, you should quit your substitute teaching job. You are not cut out for it.

Hear are a few key excerpts:

“I sent 2 kids to the principal to get her, and when she came in she screamed at them. So they were quiet for five minutes, and then they were going nuts again.”

“I have achieved nothing today. Zero accomplishments, I can’t get through to them.”

“They are tearing up the room.”

“The Spanish teacher came in from next door and started screaming at them to be quiet.”

“Remember the substitute teacher who couldn’t run the class? That’s me.”

Wow. No shit, Dank. You’re telling me that your scholarly philosophy of “smoke now, sleep later,” doesn’t make the grade in the public school system? Those little bitches ate sugar crackers and milk for breakfast, not to mention any juice or candy that they snuck in. They are high as a kite.

Anyway, after today you will only have two (2) more chances to really fuck your day up before you get the ultimate…

DO NOT SEND
(this fucking retard to substitute teach at our school)

1 monkey, 5 bulldogs. What else do you need?

Yes, this will be a Japanese themed day for me.  But how can you blame me?  As much as we vaunt our television, Japan has demolished us with much more interesting programming than our Harvard and Yale grads can ever muster.  Case and point:  A young chimp walking bulldogs. 

F U C K I N G  B R I L L I A N T

Okay, you can ignore the fact that at the beginning of the video the chimp leads all the bulldogs into a ditch (hilarious), but how the chimp wrangles the dogs through the rest of the video is priceless.  This is one smart monkey.  You know there were some Japanese scientists working on training this chimp, which automatically makes Japanese scientists far superior than ours.  Enjoy.  (count this as your weekly video, bitches.  Yes, it is long, but worth the whole watch)

With chimps like that around, they will take over the world soon.  It’s a fact.  This little guy is a lot smarter than a lot of people I know, ahem…  AND he wears overalls. 

The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of All Time

Here we go, bitches. What is “The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of All Time?”

I’ll give you all a couple of hints. It’s kinda like a hole, that you get sucked into. You get lots of information from it. Even if you don’t think you are getting “information” from it, it’s giving it to you in the form of opinions, ideas, stories with morals, pictures, sex, and the whole deal.

Radiohead came out with a bunch of short clips and all this other shit that was created only through fan artwork. People sent in their trippiest videos and graphics, and Radiohead made 4 “TV Shows,” which were just 30-minute long music videos of songs and shit.

Quite frankly, the shit was nuts when it came out. Nuts.

The funniest part is that to watch “The most gigantic lying mouth of all time,” you have to turn on the TV. Classic British snooty irony. Classic.

Break it down to some Idioteque, bitches. Shit was released in October of 2000. The top 5 Pop Artists that year were Destiny’s Child, Santana, N’Sync, Christina Aguilera and Faith Hill. Notable mentions include Sisqo, Savage Garden and Creed.

What the fuck is wrong with us, listening to this shit and putting it in our domes? Seriously, what the fuck do these songs talk about and shit? Whether you like it or not, when you listen to it, it’s going into your brain and making some type of fucking connection or impression in your brain, and you just let it happen. What the shit is wrong with you people?

Please don’t take my musical rants as a form of artistic snobbery. Quite frankly, I don’t care what people listen to, it just amazes me THAT they listen to such bullshit. While Radiohead is basically prophesizing the end of the world as we know it, we are listening to Faith Hill and N’Sync. That is how “in sync” we are with the reality of our situation in the world on the earth we listen to. Pop music is like fake lullabies for adults (and adults in the making), kinda like sit-coms and shit like that are for TV.

Remember, kids, Friends is not your friend. Phoebe and Joey really don’t like each other; in real life, Joey is a coked-out weirdo who pays guys for sex, and Phoebe is a Yale graduate who is a lot smarter than you are.

And, at the bottom of it all, I am making assumptions about you, the loser reader reading this blog. I assume that you know what’s going on in the Real World, not the World As We Are Supposed To Know It. I really don’t think we are going to get nuked in the next week, but the social and economic structure underlying the human world is DRAMATICALLY SHIFTING, and has been for the past ten years or so. The US is losing its grip as the King of the Mountain, and that fact is quite undeniable and unarguable.

I will be here, live, to report the end of the world as we know it. I used to always joke about the Mayan end of the world, coming up quick on December 21, 2012. I don’t take it too seriously, though, because humans can’t and won’t ever be able to predict the future with any degree of certainty, just look at the stock market. I also don’t want to come across as that fucking idiot at UF who got TAZED the fuck out on Monday. That guy was obviously a fucking idiot fucktard who doesn’t know how to deal with the Man reasonably. If the Man wants to put you in handcuffs, you better let him, or he is going to fuck you up. Dumbass. In addition, I did feel like the guy was pushing it too hard, and being even slightly violent when the cops stepped in. Listen up, kids, the Man is bigger than you, the Man is in control, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Take it easy, bitches. Don’t forget to watch Idioteque and listen to the words.

Take the money and run.

Got milk?

Mmmmm, milk.  It’s delicious.  I used to think everyone drank milk at the rate me and my family did, however it turns out a lot of people either do not like it, or cannot handle it.  Both these groups of people are non-savages.  Milk is delicious bovine nectar, here to quench my thirst, kill my hangovers, and ease my mind.

We all remember the, “Got Milk?” ads, and all the puns that were made on them in the mid-90s.  Yeah, they might have been stupid, but the message was real.  If your bow-legged ass had drank some whole milk between the ages of 3-5, maybe you would be a couple inches taller and be able to reach the steering wheel.  Its true, milk does a body good…

There are kids who claim they don’t care about anything, and only their music, or their poetry can cure their ills.  WRONG!  Fucking retards.  These are the kids who mommy and daddy have to drag to the dentist every other day because junior wont brush his teeth.  Or little Jimmy has to go to the dermatologist again because he won’t shampoo his hair and the psoriasis is starting to bother other children.  If parents start these kids lives with proper milk consumption…

…they can be saved from turning into this…

Milk really can cure all of society’s ills, just give it a chance.  Fuck peace Lennon, it got its chance.

However, it seems like Japan needs a crash course in milk, quick.  Japanese arcades have recalled arm wrestling games. 

 

Do you have what it takes to not shatter your arm?  Only 5,000 yen per play!

How weak do you have to be to break your own arm against an arcade game?  Isn’t this the country that spawned martial arts?  You’re slipping Japan.  Send in the reinforcements…

Bring on the milk!  That’s a full gallon!

This arcade game style punishment reminds me of my last trip to a video arcade; the site of the, “unpleasantness”.  I was wrecking, “Time Cop” and may have gotten a little carried away when the helicopter bombed my ass.  “Honestly officer, the next thing I remember is seeing red, waking up with police tape all around me, and Chuck E. Cheese lying in a pool of his own blood.”  I was lucky to get off, because if I have learned anything from Law & Order, it’s that insanity defenses rarely work, Jack “Attack” McCoy is surprisingly dapper in a real life courtroom, oh and bringing fake ballistics reports to the interrogation will get even the most hardened criminal to fold.  

I really hope they do not keep these games out of Japanese arcades for long.   The Japanese have already taken down Godzilla, yet how are their kids supposed to train for a Sylvester Stallone rampage?  See how you like it Japan, when Sly rolls in on his big rig, and snaps everyones arms because they don’t drink milk, and this game was taken out of circulation.  Trust me, it will happen.  Will you be prepared?