Archive for August, 2007

You Decide

I AM NOT GAY

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riiiiggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt………..

He just likes having sex with dudes he doesn’t know.

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(in a Dankalicious voice…)

Here’s to the memories”

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This one goes out to Dank. Listen up, fools.

Weekend Bonus:

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President Putin Kissing a Fish

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school, baseball/football, dentistry and blogistry

this is the first week of school. fucking worst. doing all the work for none of the money as… per… usual. worst. oh well, as we all know, the first week of fall semester means one thing above all others — girls with tans in their fresh threads. yup that’s right. all over the place. william and mary had dorky ass tanned chicks in fresh threads. when you saw them, you were like, “hey, how did that roast turkey escape from the window of boston market?” now, i’m at a dif. place and the ladies are way dif. way hotter and… wait for it… younger.

you know it’s bad, but it feels so right. my mind’s telling me no but my body, my body’s telling me ye-e-es. (if you don’t know this line from the classic rkelly song, i’ll bet you had zero darkies in your whole high school. yup.) so, that’s what school’s about. sitting here and working and staring at 18-yr old girls… sad and deplorable, i know, but it’s what i’ve been reduced to and, truth be told, i’ll bet you fucks would do the same goddam thing. uh-huh.

braves are playing terribly. i think i’m going to have to say that this may not be their year. i hate to be pessimistic, but i don’t want to fool myself either. they’ll have two great games, and then 2 terrible games. they need starting pitching, and they don’t have it. it’s a shame, but i’m taking the long view. if they don’t win it all this year, it’ll make it that much better when they do win it — next year. just the same, with 30 games left, they’re only a few games out of the WC and the Divis., so hope is not lost just yet. nearly lost, but not quite lost completely.

the mets are fucking terrible. i hate everyone on their gay team. i hate their black coach (not cuz he’s black, though), and i hate their speedy baserunners. i hate the mets and i hope their plane crashes. i’m dead serious when i say this. nothing would make me happier than if omar manaya, jose reyes, carlos beltran and david wright got run over by a bus and then gored by a bull right in their respective junks. seriously. they’re so bad, and i hate them. good thing they’re getting destroyed by the phillies every night this week on my tv! pla-zow!!

speaking of soooo bad, i hate the red sux. dankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, you know better than to think they were winners. now, it’s crunch time, and manny has gotten some “injury” (aka yeast infection) and papi is too busy looking like a black and even more deformed andre the giant to hit homeruns. … … this is me trying to think of some other redsux to make fun of… … … wait a minute… … … they got nobody else. their team is made up of two power hitters and a million other foreign or geriatric also-rans. i hate the redsux, and they’re getting their just deserts by getting destroyed by the YANKEES two games in a row. bla-zam!! a-rod can hit, and manny and papi should learn something about class from him.

i got a fantasy football team, and i’m in a pickle. i am in a league with several of my professional superiors. this is fine, but i know more about football than them, so i’m torn between letting them win for the guan-shi (aka asskissing) or beating them back to the stone age just cuz i can. i think the former sounds more likely, but i haven’t decided. my team includes, among others, the following destroyers:

“Fast” Willie Parker —

Clinton Portis —

Alge Crumpler —

Tom Brady —

and many more villainous football rascals. get ready for a season of destruction, i’ll say to all who challenge me. i prefer baseball but have no problem embarrassing anyone who asks for it on the gridiron as well.

what i’m really looking forward to about football season is a) colder weather and b) fishing. the summer sucks cuz it’s hot and it’s hard to make the fish bite. when it gets a little cooler, i’ll get back to my main aquatic pastime, and then the deluge of fishing pictures will begin anew. prepare yourselves while there’s still time.

two nights ago, i broke off my toof. it broke off fo rizzeal. for the previous three days i had thought i had something between a couple of my teef, and i had been flossing like a mad man. then, the other night i was eating some delicious pretzels (honey mustard and onion flava) and felt something strange. i had broke off (and subsequently injested) by own toofus. it was delicious as it, too, was coated with the honey mustard and onion flava’d powder, but when i put my tongue into my toof’s former place of residence, i felt nothing but a terrible sink-hole. my toof was, how shall i say this, gonnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! it was so freaking scary. i was so freaked out. i thought my whole head was going to implode or something, and i’m almost sure it had nothing to do with how blazed i was. just the same, i went to the dentist the next day, and he told me that i had to get a crown… so i did… now i have spent 800 bizones, and i feel nobetter than i did with my old (obviously flawed) toof. this brings me to the main point of this paragraph. i have no idea what dentists are all about. on the one hand, i think it’s good to take care of this stuff before it gets out of hand (as in this particular case) but at the same time, why would you go to the dentist if your toofuses don’t hurt? after all, if it ain’t broke… (you can finish this sentence, surely). in my case, it was broke. it being my toof. and now it’s back. i have a dynamic, space-age toof now, and i will chomp the fingers of anyone who questions my oral hygiene. fyi, this is what a crown looks like

don’t question me when i say that i will verily chomp upon your fingers with my radioactive toof of fury.

last topic for the day — blogs. i was teaching class, and one of my students was saying, “well, you can’t believe anything you read on blogs anyway.” i replied, “sure you can. you just have to read the right blogs.” this was my gut reaction, and i would stick with it. blogs are only as reliable as those who write them. in our case, i think this is a bit different. we don’t write this shit because we want to convince people that we are a) smart or b) cool. in fact, most of the time, these blogs are dedicated to our real loserocity. this is, i think, what makes our blog different from the blog-herd currently polluting the web. everyone else is out there preaching about this or that important issue but really saying very little that matters at all. we are talking about pegasii, tv shows, fake marriages, and other meaningless, non-sensical bullshit, but at least what we’re saying means something to us. i mean, at least when stoney writes something, he knows roughty, twitch, dankklkkkiel and i will like it. when i write something, i know they will like it. when roughty writes something, he knows we’ll like it. when dankkkkkkkkkkkkkk writes something, he thinks that we’ll like it, (and though he’s usually wrong, we like him anyways sometimes). so, my point is that dankkkkkkkkkkkkiel is cool even though his blogs are not, and we are all losers who write the worst, best blog in the galaxy. just kidding. this blog sucks, and nobody should ever waste their time reading or writing anything for this crap-chunk.

[shit aint working right]
yall know…

Welcome to the Real World

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Case Study: Antonia Puerta is toast. At 22 years old, an obviously fit and healthy footballer had a heart attack on the field, and then died a few days later. I can think of a couple of ways to go with this one. I guess the first and most obvious one is, that as people, our time here cannot be managed, controlled, or otherwise manipulated to your full advantage. Personal intervention and effort can only take you so far, because in the end, if your dad and mom gave you a heart disease, you going to die, whether or not you are ready for it, and whether or not the “odds” are in your favor. Clearly, this dude Peurta was a sick nasty athlete, playing professional soccer at 22. He had been playing at the club since he was 14 or so, so the dude was clearly, clearly at the height of his game.

It’s like the runner fanatic dude, who had a heart attack and died…while he was running around his neighborhood. The dude was a fitness freak, pushing his running obsession onto everyone, and then he just fucking died, doing the thing that’s supposed to make you so healthy.

That, little bitches, is called irony. I learned about it in college.

Speaking of college, what did I really learn in college? Nothing. I have basically summarized all my college knowledge on this shit-hole blog. Namely, that excessive slacking gives me satisfaction, I actually do hate everybody for being fuckhead toolboxes, racism is alive and well (to and from all directions), and lots of other stuff.

But what did I learn about the “real world?” Nothing. I was there with a bunch of fags, who were  trying to get ahead in the “real world,” so they took business classes, drank Starbucks and were just overall gay ass fuckers.

Which is kind of like the real world, I guess, except in the real world, people go to work instead of business class, but they still drink Starbucks and are overall gay ass fuckers.

Which gets me back to my childhood. When I was a kid, everything was “real world” this or real world that. I was always on the path to success in the real world, so I focused on shit that bent and twisted me in a way that would make me almost completely incompatible with the way shit is done everyday.

Do I have a ridiculous memory, and be able to repeat stupid shit that I read in a book about some story or theory or some shit, without blinking an eye? Yes, I can do that.

Can I have a conversation with someone in the “real world,” and exude an aura of normalcy and content? No, I can’t. I’m a twisted off freak show, with no real chance of ever being normal, sane or comfortable with who I am in relationship to the world.

This gets back to what I was talking about waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day about racism. I’m twisted off because I grew up in a strange vacuum of richiosity and specialness, where everyone can be President one day, and everyone wrote the best paper in the class.

I’ve got news for you, little bitches. The real world is a lot different than what people tell you what the real world is, and I think you enter the real world when you realize the difference between what it should be and what it is.

In the make-believe real world, a 22-year old soccer player won’t have a heart attack on the field, because all the training and conditioning would have ensured his physical success. Through his own hard work, his body should have been in 100% shape.

In the real real world, that dude is dead, and his girlfriend is 8 months preggo.

Real world Case #2: Don’t Drink and Drive, Pre. Jackass

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Johnnie TV is Savage

Johnnie TV is an undeniable savage.

AC/CD

Black & Missing Teeth

Ability to instantly become shirtless

Sexual

If you don’t watch the video, you won’t get it. You have 5 minutes, especially everybody who watches Roughty’s excessive bullshit.

All Hail, King Roughty

I think sometimes, I might get a little carried away and maybe talk myself up a little too much…

Roughtonius, you are the Master of the Blog.

The top 10 posts on our blog in the last month have pulled in about 6600 individual readers. Roughtonius, you are solely responsible for 5835 of those hits, which is 8 of the top 10.

This means that 88.25% of the people who read this blog’s top 10 posts last month were reading Roughty’s words.

Nice one.

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Stoney Employment Opportunities: We Want YOU!

Hey bitches.

I feel like the Stoney crew is…limp. Me and Roughty are churning out posts like a goat playing the banjo, but something just doesn’t feel right. Our pseudo-mocked battles just aren’t doing it for me anymore, especially when you consider that Dank would never really step up to me because he knows I will kick his ass back to Poland and back.

Anyway, what the fuck. Any Stonies out there who are into it, write some funny ass shit, or just make fun of somebody, and send it to us. Our emails are on top. I know there are a few of you out there reading us on the regular, but you wussies never comment.

So stop being bitches, and step up to fill the massive void left by Dank and Suit’s gay bullshit.

Send me and Roughty your weak attempts at humor and sarcasm. We will post it, and then make fun of you until you cry…over the internet.

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Watch, “Flight of the Conchords”

Comcast, in its infinite wisdom, has deemed it necessary to remove HBO from my TV.  Ever since The Sopranos series finale, HBO is only offered to those with digital cable.  Weak.

However, while I still had HBO I saw previews for their new shows, John from Cincinnati and Flight of the Conchords.  Like many people I thought, “Hmm, these can’t be as good as HBO staples like OZ, The Wire, or even The Sopranos.”  Thus, I cast them off because I knew I would not be able to view them once Comcast digitally castrated me.

Last month though, a good friend of mine – who has digital cable, and HBO – asked me to come to her place to watch Flight of the Conchords; she thought I would enjoy it.  And man, she was right.

Let’s get a little background information on these guys first, before I detail the show.  Flight of the Conchords is the name of a folk comedy duo (Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement) from New Zealand.  What’s folk comedy you ask?  It is picking up an acoustic guitar and singing comedic songs, or having comedic banter while picking.  Think of Dmetri Martin when he abandons the oversized pad, and picks up his guitar.  Flight of the Conchords was a huge hit in international comedy festivals, and had their own BBC 2 radio show, that served as the precursor to the HBO show.  They have been around.

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The premise of their HBO show is, their band has come to New York to make it big.  However, they struggle to get gigs, are constantly stymied by an inept (but hilarious) band manager, and try to cope with New Yorkers who think they’re British.  Sounds like a pretty generic premise.  Well, it is.  Yet, it is pulled of with brilliant British-style comedy, and they incorporate their comedic folk act into the show.  That’s right, they break out into song, rap, reggae, etc multiple times each show, leaving the supporting cast of characters dumbfounded.  This show is also great because they don’t film in any studios, everything is filmed in New York city.

I have been warned by Stoney not to put up too many videos because he is worried it will increase page load time, thusly losing a lot of our readers.  What a Negative Nancy.  Please Stoney, I wrote the Pegasus post, I get some leeway bitch.  Let’s start with some of their comedic folk act, shall we?  Let’s, because it’s business time.

It is songs like that that they incorporate into their episodes.  Don’t like it?  Then you should abandon this post because there is more to come.  Stoney has written some bullshit on NASA, why don’t you check that out.

The Conchords are not limited to folk music, they can “hip up” their act with some rap stylings.  I love the way they bring their songs to life in their show.

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymnocerous

They also use some outdated special effects and song genres, which leads to more hilarity.

Are you into it?

The Conchords are also very deep, using metaphors for such complex things as love.

Well I will tried to adhere to Stoney’s warning about too many videos…..pffft whatever.  Knowing him, most of these videos will be deleted by the end of the day because he is a prick.  However, I will leave you with probably my favorite on stage song the Conchords perform.  It is like trying to choose my favorite beer, they’re all delicious and fuck me up.  Except, “you know who”.

You should feel priveledged to view this song because it was not intended for humans.

The Conchords used this song as the closing credits to one of their episodes.  If you would like to see how stand up transfers to TV, check it out.  They changed it a little, but the point still gets across.  The humans are dead, they used poisonous gasses to poison their asses, and BINARY SOLOS ABOUND!

Hopefully you will get to see all these videos before Stoney chops them.  I love Flight of the Conchords, you should too.  They have been picked up already for a second season after they have hit it big, which is a lot more than I can say for John from Cincinnati, Suit.