Well, last night snapped the Mets’ four-game winning streak as they lost to the Dodgers, 6-2. Furthermore, as this was a nationally televised game, the sting was that much more biting. It’s baseball though, one out of 162 games, no big deal right? Yeah, in some respects, I suppose.
Yet, as a die hard Mets fan each loss tortures me a little. I had just enough booze in my system, and the right mixture of douchebags in the vicinity to morph from my mild-mannered alter ego, into “Roughty”. “Roughty” will embarass you in front of your girlfriend by ripping your popped collar, yanking out your gelled hair, peeing in your daquiri, then taking her home. It’s been done before.
“Roughty” was always the person who was arrested all those times, and lately I have been able to control his presence because I don’t want to go to a Richmond jail a lot more than I like your girlfriend at closing time. So naturally, I kept him at bay, had a shot, paid my tab, and walked home; all the while cursing under my breath the verbal beratement I was sure to receive from Stoney becuase of his fickle and convenient love of the Dodgers.
But one Queens resident takes Mets losses to heart. Read. That is right. The title is, “Losin’ Mets made me kill my mom”.
“Michael Anthony, 26, was frustrated with the Mets’ 6-5 loss to the Washington Nationals in the second game of Saturday night’s doubleheader when he started arguing with his father, according to a statement he gave police.”
(File photo of a Mets fan getting ready for a little, ultraviolence)
Ok, I can understand his anger. I mean, who doesn’t get pissed when their team loses to the Nationals. They are even worse than the Expos were. While the Anthony household sounds like a replica of Mayberry, I would venture to guess that Michael and his old man were boozing quite heavily.
“We started fighting and my mother jumped in,” he said, adding that she took a knife from the kitchen of the Fresh Meadows home. “I took the knife from her and it got stuck in her head.”
Once again, seems reasonable. The Mets just lost to a garbage team, the old man is on his case, and now mom comes leaping in with a goddamn butcher knife. In my experience, there is no family disagreement that cannot be resolved by brandishing a weapon. Unfortunately, mom had to ruin the fun and put her head in the way of Michael’s stabbing motion.
“Fischman then fled to the bedroom, where Anthony said he thought she was going for a weapon in a dresser drawer. “I grabbed a weight from the top of the dresser, swung it, hit her and she fell to the floor,” Anthony said.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. The bitch ran into the bedroom after getting a knife stuck in her head? I know the mothers of Mets fans are known for spewing out superior sons – Spartan mothers come to mind here – but, holy shit. If I get a knife stuck in my head, I’m cashing in my chips and waiting for my direct flight to Hell. I will lose the will to fight. But not this woman. Unfortunately, her mad dash alarmed her son, who then clobbered the woman (with a knife stuck in her head mind you) to death with his heaviest barbel.
Now, this barbel could not have been more than 5 pounds. He must not be doing any serious lifting if he feels threatened by his elderly mother, who again, has a fucking knife stuck in her head. I am a huge Mets fan, but this Michael Anthony is my new hero. (Bonus points for having two first names). My only wish is that the AP does a follow up in depth look at how Michael reacts to a Mets loss while watching it at Rikers Island. I smell a Pulitzer.
METS UPDATE / BRAVES DEMISE
NL East standings as of 8/27/07
NY Mets (73-56): 1st place
Philadelphia Phillies (67-62): 6 games behind
Atlanta Braves (67-64): 7 games behind
THE BRAVES ARE TOAST.
CHIPPER JONES UPDATE:
Hey Suit, you know how you love that ass grabbing jerk-off, Chipper Jones so much? Well guess what he named his son? Shea. That’s right, Shea. As in Shea Stadium, home of the Mets. Seems like he wishes he was playing somewhere else. But fuck him, we don’t want his bullshit.
There there, Suit. I know it’s sickening.