Archive for July, 2007

Key West, Bitches

Live from Key West, Stoney speaking…

Swam with sharks today. I’ve always, always, always wanted to, and I finally got to today. It was fucking sweet.

StoneyWageSlave doesn’t need Stoney anymore. After days of absence, we are hitting new record pageviews, and all on Roughty’s hilarious Pegasus post. Click on the pegasus tab on the right to read this modern journalism classic.

I will return!


Roughty’s Random Weekly Video, Week 10: Back on the Atlantic

Yeah, sue me.  I missed the weekly video last week while I was lounging around Venice beach, stoned, drunk, and sunburned.  I was on vacation, one that was sorely needed so fuck off. 

Furthermore, Stoney is on vacation in the Keys, so I’m at the helm.  Unfortunately, when one demolishes one’s bank account on beer, toilet paper and paper towels for a lazy host, and double the quoted rental car price, one must bust one’s ass at work upon returning home. 

I have just returned from a 15 hour work day, and I felt i should post even though my body wants to shut down.  So, I will give you this video thats a bit old, but still funny nonetheless.  The Stonies will love this because the owner of this car dealership is the great Dan Falk’s doppleganger.  I will be posting after this abysmal weekend.  Drink beer readers!

Get out your fucking checkbook.

Riding Bikes = Doing Drugs

Fucking retards.

What the fuck is up with cyclists these days? How many of them have to get busted or be shady before it’s just done, and they either quit testing or quit using.

So far the count is 3 out this year for being shady, including an entire team getting kicked out of the Tour de France for doping. Must suck to get busted for a drug that doesn’t even get you high.

Last year was hilarious, with Floyd Landis winning and then getting busted at the end. Classic. Floyd Landis, if you haven’t heard, is one fucking weird looking dude.



Now this year, the leader of the race was kicked off his team, for missing two random drug tests. He says he was “in Mexico.” I’ve been to Mexico, and it always involves doing drugs of some kind. He should have said he was in Russia or something, or South Asia.


Anyway, why don’t they quit? Don’t they know that when you are a mickey mouse rider, and all the sudden you kill everybody, that they are going to drug test you? After everyone is getting busted so bad….you STILL want to go do drugs?

I blame the French. Their weak-willed, socialist society cannot handle the responsibility of enforcing the rules, so now, the entire fucking scene has become a joke.

Freedom Fries Forever, bitches.

At least in America, we know that the athletes we love and admire come clean to the game, and keep the true spirit of competition alive by playing fair, and sticking to the rules.

God Bless America


Later, Bitches

I’m OUT!

On Friday morning, me and Lady T are rolling a doobie, then rolling to LAX, then boarding a plane (doobie? what doobie?) and peacing to my home state, FLA.

Destination: Key West

I’ve been grinding my shithole job for over a year and a half, and have only gotten off 1 day at a time. I’ve had 3 day weekends, but no 4-day weekends. This one will be a 10-day weekend, and I’m pretty excited.

My blogifications will be light, if there are any at all. I don’t plan on looking at the internet that much, hopefully I will be chillin too hard for that gay nonsense.

Maybe the other members of this gay site, the weaker ones, will step up to the plate during this opportunity to shine. At the least, you bitches should be able to use some pictures you took of me while you were here, so the cool factor of this site doesn’t drop too far.



A Petition

You faggots are not giving due credit to one of the most popular posts of all time.  it should be revered for its popularity in its huge number of comments as well as how well it brought  the group together.  Hail Mary, Fools of Grace should and will be entered in the top posts and included in the hall of fame.  Its made for the most comments  and it was a true tour de force of humor, introspection, scathing satire, symbolism, figurativenessivity, and oh lord of the blog, we won.  put that shit in there so everyone will forever know the true champions and the sorry loser who was emasculated in his failed quest of glory.



Repeat Offenders

Dedicated to those who just can’t seem to keep it clean…at least they’re keeping it real.













Try matching your favorite Repeat Offender with their repeating offense.

1. smoking herb

2. cocaine, heroin, driving while fucked up

3. credit card forgery, paying for prostitutes, various debauchery

4. cocaine, driving while fucked up

5. smoking crack, marrying bobby brown

6. beating up his wife, smoking crack

7. smoking meth, prostitutes

8. molesting pre-pubescent male children

9. international human rights violations, US Constitutional violations, complete disregard of various international treaties

10. crack, cocaine, driving while fucked up

11. getting some on the side

12. eating cookies

Celebrities Scientology Monday Fuck-Off

It’s fucking Monday, and that sucks. The birthday weekend was a success.

Driving down Hollywood Blvd on Saturday afternoon, it really struck me how much Scientology is picking up. I used to live right next to the Scientology college, or whatever, so I was used to it, but when I came in for a visit, I just couldn’t believe how many huge buildings said “Scientology” on the side, or there was some L. Ron Hubbard bullshit running around. I bought Dianetics about a year ago, and read most of it.

One of the main points about Scientology is you can’t get fucked up. No drinking, smoking or doing drugs at all. You have to be totally there upstairs to get “clear”….you know what else you need to jump into “clear?” About a million bucks. Some of the later auditing sessions cost up to 1k an hour, so it’s quite expensive.

Anyway, pros and cons aside, South Park did the funniest Scientology spoof when Tom Cruise and R. Kelly wouldn’t come out of the closet, and then flashed “THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS REALLY BELIEVE” when they talked about the aliens, and the tortured souls, and the whole Scientology part.

Scientology Roll Call

Danny Masterson




Sonny Bono (bonus points for governmental infiltration)


Jason Lee (seen at the Sonic Youth show Friday…extra Celebrity Alien bonus)

***Major Edit, Wikipedia entry: “He and his fiancée Beth Riesgraf have a son named Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee (b. September 28, 2003).




I think that the Scientologist Celebrities list is much, much less important than the “on the fringe” Scientologist list.

Who is running the new Hollywood media blitz race?

Posh and Becks


Who is best boys with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

Fresh Prince and his dyke ass wife Jada Pinkett


Scientology PowerHouse Picture of the Week


live, from venice beach…

… brought to you by the good people at the world wide, it is my pleasure to bring you the first in what must be a long series of posts regarding the present west-coast excursion.  no pictures this time, as i do not have the apparatus necessary to perform that operation.  rest assured, though, that pictures will be on their way.  consider those pictures to be a tidal wave of destruction rolling directly toward you at the speed of … your … … MIND!

1.  the weed card.

it is real.  for real.  no, seriously, the shit is for real.

2.  liquor.

(+/-) good – you can buy it in the grocery store.  bad – it is very pricey.

3.  ladies.

the hot/nothot ratio is favorable.

4.  weather.

warm and sunny in the sun.  breezy and amazingly comfortable in the shade.  sun is so close that roughton is now red as a tomato.  now, when he becomes drunk he looks even more irish than usual.

5.  demographic and sociological data.

this is all pretty sketchy.  i am not a trained ethnographer.  and when you smoke too much, it’s hard to tell the difference between some types of people.  plus, i have not been into the downtown area of l.a., and i expect to see some differences.  in venice beach, everyone seems to be white, and young, and rich.  everyone is not rich.  that means they all do something to compensate for this lack of being rich.  some of them are straight-up fakers.  (roughty and stoney played doubles billiards with a couple prime examples of this type.)  some of them are really rich.  this makes it easy.  some of them are for real crazy – not dankkkkkkk crazy, but really crazy.  again, this is an easy way to look cool.  come on.  others of the populous are actually cool people.  will report a cool/loser ratio as soon as i can.  but just so you can know, people like you are in the loser category.  read a blog once… loser for life.

ok, it is now time to plug the upcoming submissions.  roughty and stoney think it would be soooo neeeaaatttt to get lots of other dumbasses reading this blog.  that’s right readers.  i know you all are like, “woohoo, roughty, that guy is sooo kewel,” and “ooohh stoney, soooo awesome!”  wrong.  wrong.  wrong.  these guys talk about their blog for real.  this blog is like a mickey mouse lemon ade stand.  come on.  anyway, this means that we’ve talked a lot about future blogs.

1.  vlog #1.  topic will be your friend and mine, dankkkkkkkkknugs.  get ready for this shit.  it’s on.

2.  photo documentary.  (probably more than 1)

3.  reflections on sonic youth

4.  me rubbing roughty’s face in the fact that his sorry ass mets got creamed by the dodgers and that the braves will be beating them in the nl east.  and the fact that all the mets broke their legs.

5.  liquor will make you vomit in los angeles in the same way it will in virginia.  i know it comes as a surprise, but you should believe.

6.  john from cincinnati is set in a fictional location – i.b..  does not exist.  now what?

sorry for this brief and poorly organized post.  soon it will be coming in thick.

lyric of the week:      “I’ll sweep you off your feet,

With a box of chocolates,

But watch it.

‘Cause it’s really

Balled up hog shit.”

these are my conclusive observations.  the rest will need more time to process.


Michael Vick = Toast

Fuck Michael Vick. What a bitch.


I never liked Vick, not once. He came out all hot shit, and I didn’t like him. Fuck the Falcons. Vick is from one of the weakest areas of the country, that I have mentioned before…”Newport News.” Fuck the news, that place is worthless.

I don’t know how many people got into the details, but let me share a few.

Hanging dogs.

Drowning dogs.

Shooting dogs.

Hosing a dog down and electrocuting it to death.

Body slamming a dog to death.

Fuck Michael Vick. Talk about issues, this dude should have plenty of free time in jail to think about what’s up with this.

“Rape stands” for aggressive females who don’t want to get mounted.

Verdict for Michael “The Fag” Vick…Guilty as a fucking bitch.

I don’t have any witticisms to dress up the truth. Body slamming and electrocution speak for themselves.

Unlike the recent Duke rape case, the 54 dogs rescued from Vick’s house will probably not change their story. The DNA from the dead dogs on his property probably will not clear the way for a pardon call from the governor.

Maybe it’s all a setup, white man coming down on the black man. Vick’s the 2nd highest paid player in the NFL…Bob Marley used to be on the CIA list….why not Vick?

Please. Vick, you are toast. I publicly embrace your demise, and wish nothing but the worst upon you and your allies. I pray for long, sleepless nights, the desertion of your fans, friends and family, and the inability to overcome any obstacle in your path.

I wish you would get to play one more game and lose, and then be given to your master for your own summary judgement. Like electrocution, a shot to the head, a hanging, or maybe a good old fashioned bodyslam.

One of the dogs:


Similarity to Vick’s fighting pits to my pit, Turbo Dinosaur (pre-Rescue), in appearance, genetics and overall life situation:



Venice Beach: The Freakshow

As i have visited californ-i-a twice now and long to join me fellow scallywags in their pirate adventures in la la land, i feel a tribute to their base is in order.  well, i have been to many parts of the city including the four parts jp has seen in his two years there. 

dodger stadium is sweet, but roasts in the desert mountains.  roughty, make sure you bring your spf 75 and slob it on with every pitching change, which will most likely be every inning as both clubs will sorely mistaken their inadequate rotations and bullpens with fatigue, weather, or some other ludicrous excuse. 


East L.A. and the DR:

Sweet as well.  I feel suit will find a home in the drawing room and the relative diversity in relation to the rest of la in the former paradise that stoney called home.  you must absolutely show the former kingdom in all its glory and cold showers.  this was the first place i found in my visits to la with true, unsuperficial culture.  remember my 4:00 am walkabout in search of a sip of any liquid in my half drunken, half hungover stupor as stoney had neither drink nor refrigeration.  i walked at least 7 blocks to be dissapointed by powered down vending machines that i had to beg the grocery store owner to turn on to get an orange soda that t and i shared (what up, t) .  on my ramble i encountered at least two hookers with one clearly disguising a dick.  my day consisted of walking around east la and eating gut bombs for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  i was happy to escape my previous experiences of yuppiness disguised in kewlness. 


weird and extemely superficial with a bunch of douches disguised as hipsters and guns and roses impersonators. 


i was accurately described by lady t the wonderous freak show that is venice beach.  of course we were all fucked up and noided out, so we sat at the public bathroom and gazed out upon the circus.  there was definitely a small degree of reality here in their rejection of superficiality, but their conscious objection seemed superficial in itself.  of course i am superficial as hell, especially then and enjoyed pretending to be normal for a minute, despite my schizoid drug induced psychotic personality disorder’s ‘outside looking in’ perspective.  there is culture there that is not completely obsessed with the image driven falsity of the rest of la. 

the rest of la:

gay and expensive, but worth seeing for the experience

stoney’s debaucherous court of self-destruction:

 one of a kind as always and enjoyable beyond any measure.   

a lonely wish:


where’s waldo? hint, short bags that were still a deal