A Great Awakening: The Blog Revival

Well, my plan worked.  Everyone is gone and there is nobody to read/write entries.  All mine!  mwhaahaahaa.  Anyway, it’s been awhile and I just wanted to start off by telling everyone that they are gay. 

 For news, well, I ran into a long lost brother: III dog.  I was standing outside of an academic building dreading the fact that I had to go to class and up walks the one the only.  But, does everyone know that grad school is for fags?  This shit blows and if you ever feel any inclination to lead a more fulfilling life and escape your wage slavery–don’t.  Yes, that’s right.  You have an eyewitness that is telling you.  Live an unfulfilling, selfish life.  Work, put in your eight hours, go home, and forget about what hell you just went through.  The beauty of work is that you can leave it at the office if you want.  Grad school is gay.  I’ve actually decided to do my reading for once and now all I do is fucking read.  Read, Read, REad.  And, some may say,  “well, that guy is lucky.  He is enlightening his brain and reading interesting stuff.”  Well, if you think that is the case you are sorely mistaken.  Nothing is interesting in my course of study.  I mean, does anyone find gender roles in Antebellum (pre-war) America interesting?  No, only man-hating lezzies.  Well, I guess I miss not reading cool stuff and listening to people talk about it. 

On another note, all the nay-sayer can eat a big fat because the Giants won the Super Bowl.  Yep, that’s right, Giants.  As for shit-talk for upcoming events, Red Sox are looking to defend their championship.  Unfortunately, I’ll be stuck watching the National League suck the big one. 

Anyway, I’ve got to go eat dinner at 7 -11.  Ahh, the good life. 

 Also, stoney, suit, roughty, and twitch are gay. 

Music is not just dead, it has been murdered

Music used to be alive and well, prospering even.  After enjoying decades of progression of sound, style, savagery, the last 7-10 years have been quite a disappointment.  Unfortunately, it has become an evil I have learned to live with.  I have my CD collection (that’s right, fuck IPods) and I am damn proud of it.

Music is not created anymore, all that are created are flash-in-the-pan media sensations the 8-14 year old girl demographic can have blossoming sexual fantasies about.  Oh yeah, and the teenage gyrating girls have the target dempgraphic of 8-65 year old men too.  Basically, those with musical taste are fucked. 

It is no longer about talent, but marketability.  Can you sing and dance?  Marvelous, but if you don’t have a GQ or Victoria’s Secret face, there is no future for you.  Go have some surgery with the assholes on Rodeo Drive, then maybe we can talk.

Whatever happened to giving people like Janis Joplin, Ray Charles, Chuck Berry, etc a chance?  They were all ugly motherfuckers, but who cared?  The ability and passion they showed through their music overshadowed any arbitrary physical negatives.  Their music inspired, and continues to inspire people.  These are timeless artists; those whose melodies and lyrics could transcend generations and still be relevant to your grandchildren.  Let’s see how, “Hit me baby, one more time”, “Dirrrrrrrrrrrrty”, and “Tearin’ up my heart” survive the next 20 years.  Oh wait, you already forgot about those songs and those people?  That’s right, they are all shadows of their former non-talented multi million dollar selves.   

Take a look at the most recent highest selling albums.  I haven’t, but if I have learned anything from TV and USA Today, they are as follows.

1.  High School Musical

2. High School Musical 2

3. High School Musical 3

4. Hannah Montana

5. Solja Boi

Who the fuck are these people?  Useless euthanasia canidates for all I care.

My hatred for contemporary music has been brooding for a long time.  There has not been any new music I have enjoyed in quite some time.  Whatever my disdain is for these Johnny and Jenny come latelies, what I saw today was pre-meditated musical murder.  This, “artist” had to plan, rehearse, and ultimately feel good enough to carry out the act.  According to law, this clearly establishes criminal intent, which is punishable by death.  If America had any balls (which it does not) this person would be put to death.

Who am I talking about?  Fergie, of course.  Viewer discretion is advised, suggested, and encouraged because I doubt you readers can be held accountable for your actions.

Jesus, how off-key do you have to be to get gonged and have a comically oversized hook wrapped around your neck, dragging you off stage in shame.  Apparently, at least 3 octaves.

I’ll give it to Fergie however.  She, or her prop manager (most likely her prop manager) is incredibly clever.  Fashioning a gun on the microphone stand, and having Fergie point and shoot at the audience is a brilliant allegory for the vocal assault upon the audiences’ ears.  Furthermore, if it wasn’t bad enough to have Fergie perform at whatever Bizzaro World venue this was, the promoters had that drunken retarded dwarf Danny DeVito introduce her. 

I can just imagine the pre-concert meeting with all the executives.

“Hey, you know what would make this show great?  If we cash in on the waning popularity of a dancer with no singing talent from an Uncle Tom rap group.”

*yeahs can be heard all around as all the yes men jiggle their turkey necks*

“Snap!  You know what would be better?  Let’s have her bastardize an incredible Paul McCartney song with her cottage cheese thighs laboriously tucked into leather pants gyrating around a stage full of pyrotechnics and over-the-hill backup dancers.”

“Oh yeah, and let’s get Danny DeVito to sing her praises and introduce her.”

“Secretary, draft two blank checks for these untalented non savage assholes.” 

Hark Upon the Gale

PBK inductee

Fat Ladies on the Elevator

All the time, I’m going down in the elevator, and when I get to the bottom, there’s a fat, old lady trying to barge in, even before I have a chance to get out.

Now, this doesn’t happen every once in a while. It happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Why do old, fat ladies think that the elevator is going to be empty when it hits the bottom? Did you forget about logic and the 22 floors sitting above your fat head? Or do you think you are just entitled to get in first, before I can even get out?

Next time you are in an elevator, and someone rushes in before you have a chance to get out…ask yourself…

Why is this old, fat bitch in such a hurry to get in the elevator?

Riding Bikes = Doing Drugs

Fucking retards.

What the fuck is up with cyclists these days? How many of them have to get busted or be shady before it’s just done, and they either quit testing or quit using.

So far the count is 3 out this year for being shady, including an entire team getting kicked out of the Tour de France for doping. Must suck to get busted for a drug that doesn’t even get you high.

Last year was hilarious, with Floyd Landis winning and then getting busted at the end. Classic. Floyd Landis, if you haven’t heard, is one fucking weird looking dude.

Now this year, the leader of the race was kicked off his team, for missing two random drug tests. He says he was “in Mexico.” I’ve been to Mexico, and it always involves doing drugs of some kind. He should have said he was in Russia or something, or South Asia.

Anyway, why don’t they quit? Don’t they know that when you are a mickey mouse rider, and all the sudden you kill everybody, that they are going to drug test you? After everyone is getting busted so bad….you STILL want to go do drugs?

I blame the French. Their weak-willed, socialist society cannot handle the responsibility of enforcing the rules, so now, the entire fucking scene has become a joke.

Freedom Fries Forever, bitches.

At least in America, we know that the athletes we love and admire come clean to the game, and keep the true spirit of competition alive by playing fair, and sticking to the rules.

God Bless America

Celebrities Scientology Monday Fuck-Off

It’s fucking Monday, and that sucks. The birthday weekend was a success.

Driving down Hollywood Blvd on Saturday afternoon, it really struck me how much Scientology is picking up. I used to live right next to the Scientology college, or whatever, so I was used to it, but when I came in for a visit, I just couldn’t believe how many huge buildings said “Scientology” on the side, or there was some L. Ron Hubbard bullshit running around. I bought Dianetics about a year ago, and read most of it.

One of the main points about Scientology is you can’t get fucked up. No drinking, smoking or doing drugs at all. You have to be totally there upstairs to get “clear”….you know what else you need to jump into “clear?” About a million bucks. Some of the later auditing sessions cost up to 1k an hour, so it’s quite expensive.

Anyway, pros and cons aside, South Park did the funniest Scientology spoof when Tom Cruise and R. Kelly wouldn’t come out of the closet, and then flashed “THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS REALLY BELIEVE” when they talked about the aliens, and the tortured souls, and the whole Scientology part.

Scientology Roll Call

Danny Masterson

Beck

Sonny Bono (bonus points for governmental infiltration)

Jason Lee (seen at the Sonic Youth show Friday…extra Celebrity Alien bonus)

***Major Edit, Wikipedia entry: “He and his fiancée Beth Riesgraf have a son named Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee (b. September 28, 2003).“

PILOT INSPEKTOR RIESGRAF LEE

PILOT INSPEKTOR RIESGRAF LEE

I think that the Scientologist Celebrities list is much, much less important than the “on the fringe” Scientologist list.

Who is running the new Hollywood media blitz race?

Posh and Becks

Who is best boys with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

Fresh Prince and his dyke ass wife Jada Pinkett

Scientology PowerHouse Picture of the Week

The Guillotine? Please, Biatch

I’ve got one hand to type with, so it won;t be much.  My one hand however will blow your proverbial loads with the profundity of my blogging wizardry.  just returned from afar and am currently ‘sojourning in society’ (name that author) to the desperate delight of all you unsavage settled society sinners.  in this jingle jangle morning without a tambourine i am inspired to waste more space on the blog.  in my absence and natural objective disconnection combined with a previous feeling i must say we have all become lazy.  we have relied on pictures to glitter our stories with extra sensory excitement.  with that said, here’s some of that…

For all of us Americans.  Yippee kay yay motherfuckers.  oh yeah, james marshall served in the 101st till he broke his leg on a jump.  Currahee! i know i celebrated in true american fashion on white man don’t pay your taxes day–i blew shit up.

p.s.  i’m just going to start Dankknuggets’s weekly music video.  it will however be more like whenever i get to it and i’ll prolly get tired after like three.  oh, zack kim is retroactively part of this mini series, so i guess there’s one left.  well, here goes…

p.s.s. just cause i’ve been out of contact for awhile– roughty, you’re a bitch.  and who the hell is gn?  and once again, roughty, you’re a bitch. 

 check below too, related but not the same.

politics, religion, et cetera… . .. . … .. …. .. …. .. . .

(those periods are for you, stonesylvania.) 

i have been delinquent lately and didn’t know about either of stoney’s  guys’ debauchery.  i wish i had, but politics is boring — even when it deals with blowww and hookers.  i won’t vote for this guy any more now than i would have before i knew about the drugs and sex.  until i meet a politician who will look you in the eye and say he’s never made a mistake and he never plans to make one,  i’ll be fairly convinced i could do a better job governing myself than any of them could.  i mean, jiuliani (or “orange” [in honor of his boy’s huge nose candy purchase] julius as i will call him from this day forward) doesn’t even know me.  how the shit is he supposed to know what decisions are in my best interest?  in the old days, way on back in the days of grunting, beards and hunter/gatherers, people would form a society to protect themselves from other societies (not to mention the ravenous sabre-tooth tigers, mastadons, etc.).  i’m sure at the beginning of society, some guy was laying out, chilling in the cut, maybe reading a playboy and minding his own bidness, and the tribe leader said to him, “glork, you better get that firewood.  the rest of us are counting on your lazy ass.”  and glork was thinking, “damn, it was so much better when i could do whatever the hell i wanted to do without all these dicks bossing me all the time.”  but you know what glork did?  he collected the wood.  because he needed the protection that could only be afforded by the society.  nowadays, people don’t think like that, in my opinion.  nowadays, people simply accept the fact that they were born into a society, and so that must be the best place for them to be.  i stand that this is simply no longer the case.  man has tamed the shit out of nature.  we don’t have anything to worry about except snake bites and the occasional shark attack.  furthermore, no human cares enough about me to attack me.  what the shit would they even do that for?  waste of a bullet.  i won’t attack them either.  i can grow shit in my back yard and eat dogs and cats and squirrels and shit if it really comes right down to it.  no reason for me to mess with anyone.  my point?  glad you asked.  society is no longer the same shizzazzle it was back in the day.  individuals don’t really need to protection of a huge gov’t.  besides, when people did need such protection — take hurricane katrina, for instance — where the fuck was our great society?  thumb up the ass, watching the weather channel and drinking beer, wondering where the hell they’d move mardi gras to… and that was george w.  that proves (for me anyways) that society can no longer perform its primary function — protection of its members.  that’s the main reason why i haven’t, don’t and won’t vote.  you be asking yourself, “well then suit, why don’t you just LEAVE and do your own thing if you don’t like the american way?”  well, this is a good point.  i wonder this about myself sometimes, too.  i think it comes down to this.  i gotta get mine.  if i left right now, i’d be broke before i got to a place where i could really do my own thing for real.  you gotta have money to make a real move.  hence, the master plan — participate in society to as minimal a degree as is practicable until i save up some real green.  then, peace out.  merc on to someplace where i can do my own thing without worrying about what anybody says.  part of this minimal participation is making it a priority to not vote.  voting would lock me in.  i would start to follow this shitstem and never be able to break out. 

(ps — when you register to vote, you also have to fill out a draft card.  i knew this was a shitty idea when i was in high school, and so i didn’t fill out the shit.  therefore, i am registered for neither voting nor slaughtering brown people.) ((pps — the gov’t teacher in 12th grade tried to fail me for for not filling out the form, but i aced all her tests, so she didn’t have a leg to stand on.))

as far as breeding terrorism, i’m either too stupid or too smart to question the fact that all politicians have spin doctors (and i don’t mean the “2 princes” spin doctors).  to reference a simile i made earlier, discussing politics is like going all in on a blind hand of poker.  doesn’t make any sense because you know neither what you have nor what your opponents have in their hands.  all i know is this:  the golden rule is faulty.  “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  if we hurt the arabs, then we deserve to get sliced a bit, right?  it’s the golden rule, after all.  if arabs did bad things to us, they deserve to get bombed, too, right?  it is in the golden rule.  but then what?  people all know the golden rule, yet bad stuff keeps happening.  if people keep “doing unto others” based on what has been “done unto [them]”, we’ll all be fucking DEAD!  this is not what i consider a good time.  the golden rule doesn’t work.  it just breeds recursive murder wars.  neither the victor nor the loser is ever happy.  everyone’s still got a bone to pick, and the killing continues.  here’s what i propose.  throw out the golden rule.  adopt another rule.  how about the one jesus came up with?  how about “turn the other cheek”? how about “love thine enemy”?  i mean, america is a judeo-christian nation, right?  it says so right on the money.  that means we all believe in heaven, right?  that means that what we do down here makes no difference in the big picture, right?  sure.  because heaven is eternal, but life on earth is “but a blink of the eye.”  that means, if some asshole wants to shoot us, who cares?  they’ll go to hell, and we’ll be laughing our balls off, playing hop-scotch with john lennon in heaven.  fuck this killing.  for real.  i am over it all for real.  a guy from my high school just got killed.  i was a total ass to him (roids, teenage hormones, popularity… you know), and now i will never be able apologize or slap him a high five and come back on the flip side.  it’s fucked up for real.  and the worst part — he thought he was doing right by his country!  sad sad scene.

so, any of you who have made it through this post are all stupider for having read it.  i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls. 

now, go slaughter some people whose skin is darker than your own!!  before they do it to you first.

and don’t forget to vote.  in fact, vote three times.  keep on voting and voting until you cast a fat, brown ballot in your pants.

Periods. Are. Gay.

Period. People who use the period as a technique to mimic a faltering, staggered statement. Are. Gay.

I can’t stand that shit. It’s bad enough as it is. If you are not having an IM conversation, don’t play with words like that, because a 3-year old could come up with a more original and useful technique.

In conclusion, I have one thing to say to people who use periods in such a way to craft “cute” little pseudo-paragraphs.

Go. Back. To. NOVA.

Top 5 Reasons Why Roughty = NOVA

Disclaimer: All of this stuff about Roughty is not true. Though he did go to high school in NOVA, he is NOT from NOVA, and I just made all this other stuff up. I hate NOVA, and wish none of that gayness unto my homie, Roughty. Thanks for letting me rip on you in public (even though you twisted my arm for this disclaimer).

NOVA. The word alone inspires shivers and diarrhea in the depths of my soul. (No)rthern (V)irgini(a). Exactly. Just look at the way they made up this worthless acronym, and you will begin to see a long list of travesties surrounding this buttwipe of an area. Fuck NOVA. I’m from Florida. Everybody has fun in Florida, goes outside, goes to the beach, runs around, plays sports, and smiles. I came to the shithole Williamsburg to start college, and I was BLOWN AWAY by how pale, lame, and fucking gay everybody who went to school there was. Then, I heard whispers of “Nova,” like it was some special fucking frat that you can be in to get free cookies, and after a few days, I asked someone what it was, and they told me.

“NOVA really means Northern Virginia.”

Wow. What a fucking gay thing to say to someone who you don’t really know. I soon realized that the majority of my school actually came from NOVA, and I just began associating all the fucking gayness and shitheadedness that I saw in my daily life directly with NOVA.

What does NOVA mean to me? What do I think about when I hear or say that word? NOVA means pale & flubby, rain, jean skirts and high leather boots, my daddy works in the government, Audis, VW, Abercrombie, puka shells, hair gel, Simpsons reruns and the list goes on and on.

I’m going to stop myself, and segue into the real point of this post….Roughty is from NOVA.

Roughty was born in New Jersey, or so he says. Then, he moved to NOVA when he was like 1 or 2, and now he claims 100% Jersey heritage. Fuck that. Roughty, you are from NOVA, and that is it. Consider yourself the only NOVA-ite not up for immediate execution in the United Federation of Stonification. You’re welcome, I know I’m being too nice already.

Here’s some proof that Roughty is from NOVA.

1. Roughty’s dad is a corporate lawyer. This is an important one. If your daddy works in the State Deparment, or the Treasury, or is an ambassador, or any other such self-important nonsense, then odds are that YOU live in NOVA. I feel sorry for you. NOVA-ites get a large part of their inspiration to be terrible and weak from their feelings of entitlement and inheritance, which stems directly from the parents’ job. My daddy works in D.C. My daddy blabla. blablabla. Who cares. You and yo daddy are weak.

2. Roughty went to a “good” school (but then he dropped out to get drunk). The Roughty clan has infiltrated higher education institutions, spreading their self-righteous snobbery like the plague. NOVA-ites often are sent away to a college factory, deep in the hills of the Blue Ridge Mountains to prepare themselves for years of success in college and later life. These NOVA-bots all expect to go the “best” school, because daddy wrote a letter to the President and donated 1k to the marching band. Notable Roughty NOVA college-related infestations include: Williamsburg, Richmond, and NYC. NYC has a thriving NOVA ex-patriate population. Ex-NOVA NYCers are probably the worst type of person imaginable. First, you get the typical NOVA, “I’m the coolest person and I listen to N-Sync” thing, and then couple that with the feelings of specialness and coolness that come with living in a “hip” city and drinking organic beer….you get a fucking weak, weak combination of douchebaggery. Roughty, don’t move to NYC.

3. Favorite baseball team is the Red Sox. Novites are CLASSIC posers and wannabes. During the Yankees/Sox playoffs a few years back, it was NUTS how many faggot ass NOVA-ites busted out their weak-ass Boston hat to cheer for the weakest team in the history of baseball. Boston Red Sox are lame, and so are their legion of fans from NOVA.

4. Roughty wears tight shirts and jeans. Roughty, buy some new pants or else kiss your unborn kids goodbye. Abercrombie & Fitch is HUGE in the NOVA crowd, no matter how hard they try to deny it. NOVA-ites will deny, deny, deny that they ever had anything to do with A&F when it was popping off. If a NOVA-ite ever denies his favorite store like this, just maneuver your hand around the popped collar to show the dumbass the A&F tag on his shirt, or ask him where he bought that puka shell necklace. If he/she says American Eagle, that’s just as bad too.

5. Roughty’s family currently lives in Fairfax, VA. In the same house he grew up in.

PS- Notable NOVA-ites that are fucking gay include: Nate the Player-Hate and Ned.