Archive for the 'Puck' Category

Anyone?

Since i really don’t feel like writing much tonight, see percocet on wikipedia, i have decided to contribute with a lame video appeal.  Savagery at its finest…

Chinese Chicken Salad Anyone?

while i have the floor, i’d just like to ask, does it smell like updog in here?

Rubber Matches, Growing Up, Other Reflections and another Roll Call

the first category tag i clicked was worthless friday, cuz that’s what i’m in.  it’s fantastic.  finally some time to interact with the tech-junkies, alcoholics and weed-fiends who read this link-laden, anti-american, diaperlicious bloghole. 

has anybody noticed that politics are continuing to play a large role in our blog?!  i can’t believe that shit.  if you knew, (and most of you do), the authors, you’d be as surprised as me.  four years in the burg, and we never talked about it.  now it’s all over everything.  i think that comes along with growing older.  things we never cared about before are starting to look more and more important.  we’re all realizing our global citizenship, and i think it’s pretty encouraging.  now all we have to do is change the minds of all the fuckos in general society *(see stoney’s note about the a&f models on the airplane… these are the dipshits to whom i’m referring.) 

on another very different topic, there’s this issue going on in the baseball world.  my boy john smoltz won his 200th career decision last night.  i don’t need to remind any of you who the braves defeated.  i don’t need to tell you that they beat the metropolitans.  further, i don’t need to explain to any of you that this win brough the braves record against the mets to 6 wins and 3 losses on the season.  no, i don’t need to mention any of these things.  why am i talking about it then?  to hurt your sensitive yankee feelings?  no.  to rub salt into your still-smarting wounds from last october?  of course not.  well, i’ll tell you why.  the braves are currently recruiting new fans, and if you all have been converted over the past few days, just let me know, and i’ll be happy to provide a letter of recommendation.  no guarantees, but it’s at least a 50-50 they’ll accept you.  last night’s prodigious victory over the hated mets was a rubber match.  “what is a rubber match?” all of you except the sport-savvy roughty might be asking yourselves.  again, i’ll explain it for you.  in a 3-game series, if each team wins one of the first two games, game three is the rubber match.  in a 7-game series that’s tied at three games each, game seven is the rubber match.  check out this helpful wiki article on the topic.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_match

what’s the point of this discussion? it’s not just to make fun of the sucky mets.  in fact, i want to bring it back to politics.  since i’ve been old enough to think about politics, there have been two presidents.  (during bush the elder’s administration, i didn’t understand anything at all about it.)  these presidents have been billy clinton and george dubya bush — a democrat and a republican.  in 2008, we’ll have the rubber match between these two political powerhouses.  as in sports, this rubber match will play a big role on the way our generation will be viewed.  will our generation be defined by the shitty republicans or the shitty democrats?  lord only knows.  i got a guess, but it’s just that — a guess.  so i won’t even mention it here.  in a baseball rubber match, all we can do is drink beer and root for our own version of the good guys.  last night, my team won, and i was happy.  roughty’s team lost, and i’m sure he drowned on his tears.  in politics, however, we can play the game and get involved.  we can be the shortstop who turns the double play, or we can be the asshole who lets the ball roll right between his legs.  (by the by, what team was he on again?  hahaha.)  either way, in politics, we don’t have to sit on the sidelines.  we can cast our votes and join in the action, right?  here’s the other big difference.  if i make a throwing error, and the winning run scores for the other team, the game is over and i immediately know who won.  if i hit the walk-off homer, it’s conclusive.  i’m the big winner.  with politics, it’s not so cut and dry.  i might cast my vote and be all happy for a couple years after my selected puppet wins.  then, out of nowhere, he blows some country off the map, and my walk-off homer turns into a “you-blew-it” game ending error. that’s why, when this year’s political rubber match comes along, i’ll be drinking beer and watching from the sidelines.  the punchline of this discourse — do yourself a favor and don’t vote.  vote for your favorite amer. idol.  vote for which of the stars dances best.  vote for the best apple pie you ate at the county fair.  don’t vote for the president.  you’ll invariably be sorry!

thus ends the politics of this post.

i’m still going to school.  it still sucks.  i also work at a school.  that, too, is no good.  i am trying to learn about the material required for my degree, but all i keep learning about is that everybody only cares about money.  the only question my peers and superiors ask themselves is, “how can i make the most money off this situation?”  it’s sad to think that this is the world we’re trying to earn membership into.  maybe the solution is to drop out and move to an island and try to grow coconuts for food and decorative brassieres.  my ridiculous boss’s boss’s boss’s boss volunteered me today to take part in some terrible task around the office.  my autonomy is non-existant.  i don’t decide what i do at all.  they tell me what to do, and i do it.  it’s bad for one’s psychology.  you’ve all been there.  i guess the right thing to do is just grin and bear it until retirement… in like 60 years.  one more thing about work, i had to make a presentation yesterday to a room full of suits.  i wore a rainbow colored (ambiguously androgenous) plaid shirt untucked and my oldest, rattiest pants.  i gave a great presentation.  (probably because dank wasn’t there flicking his damned zippo to distract me.)  after this, i got an email from my boss’s boss who told me that i should have dressed nicer.  this is a big old problem in our society.  why in the world do people still judge you based on the clothes you wear?  i’ll tell you.  it’s because they’re terrible idiots who don’t know any better.  and these are the people who i’m scrambling to compete with as a peer…  sad.

well, mr dank nuggets is in, so let the fun begin.  in honor of him, i’m taking this opportunity to post yet another savage roll call.  feast your eyes on the following collection:

most savage cartoon character:  Monterey Jack — he’ll whip your ass and then console you in a lovely aussie accent.

honorable mention:  Nermal — fresh off the boat from abu dhabi

least savage cartoon character:  Rita and Runt — an ill-fated space-filler in an otherwise exceptional show

most savage world leader:  Queen of Jordan — rules with an iron fist and a lovely pair of jumblies

honorable mention:  Stalin — (translation of caption:  respect the moustache.  fear the moustache.  obey the moustache.)

least savage world leader:  Jacques Chirac (someone either just snuck up him, or he was presented with a lovely quiche.)

most savage cereal mascot:  Sonny (cocoa puffs) — this guy has “junkie” written all over his face

honorable mention:  Andy Milonakis (fruity pebbles)

least savage ceareal mascot:  Tony (frosted flakes) — why don’t you find a gayer bandana.  we’re not all convinced you’re a homo yet.

most savage car model of all times:  AMC Eagle (no competition)

honorable mention:  El Camino (the original cross-over vehicle)

least savage car model of all times:  ford tempo (my first car)

most savage blogger:  suityourself (no photo available)

least savage blogger:  you (look in the mirror and recognize your inferiority.)

finally, most savage drugs:  steriods

least savage drugs:  whipits (you’ll freeze your lungs)

blog production…

so, with the exception of roughty’s insightful and always poignant posts, this blog is falling off big-time.  what the hell is going on, stoney?  i wanna know…

i’m ’bouts to chop yo ass.  after all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander…

hey, i heard some really funny jokes the other day… (racism, AHOY!)

1.  Did you know that there will only be 49 contestants in next year’s Miss Black America pageant?…  Did you know that?…  Did ya?…

Yeah, nobody wants to wear the banner that says “I-da-ho.”  (This one is perhaps much better when delivered orally, but hey, oral is always best…)

2.  (This one is really pretty bad, indeed.)  What do you call an African-American on water skis?

 Give up?

A top-water jig…  (EWWW!  No you didn’t…)

3.  I don’t remember the joke, but the punchline is very funny…  Here goes…

“The vet said not to worry unless he shits out 2 dimes and a nickel.”  (Maybe you had to be there.)

4.  This is a real joke. 

This rich guy had just retired and decided he would devote his twilight years to philanthropy.  So, in his quest for the perfect cause, he went to this modern new hospital, told the boss-doctor that he wanted to invest in the hospital’s future.  Before he did, though, he wanted a tour around the hospital to make sure everything was legit.

So the doctor said, “ok,” and they started walking around the hospital, looking at new equipment and checking in on patients.  They enter this one room, and there’s this guy in the hospital bed and a nurse sitting next to him whacking him off.  The rich old guy was taken aback and asked the doctor, “What the hell kind of hospital is this?”  The doctor said, “Oh, that gentleman has a condition that requires him to ejaculate every two hours.  The nurse was just helping him out a little bit.”  The old man was pretty much ok with that, so they continued the tour.  They walked into another room, and there was another man in a hospital bed.  Beside him, a nurse sat giving the patient felatio!!

The old investor said to the head-doctor, “This is just too much.”  The doctor replied, “You don’t understand!  This patient has the same condition as the last guy.  He’s just got better insurance.”

Long story short, the old man decided to invest in the hospital, but a few days later, he came down with a rare and debilitating disease (can you guess which one?) and lived happily ever after.

OK, that’s all for the jokes.  See, this is what you guys miss out on by not having any red-necks in your family. 

So, what’s going on with me, you ask?  Well, good question.  I’ll tell you.

i am almost done with the current semester, and i haven’t blown my brains out just yet.  this is a moral victory.

fishing season is going great.  i fish every day and have caught lots of fish so far this spring.  based on my fishing expeditions, i have started a fishing journal.  every time i fish, i write a couple pages about what happened, what i caught, what i saw, and that type of stuff.  this is big fun for me, and it’s good to keep practicing writing.  i was thinking about posting an entry on this blog but thought better of it.  if stoney’s knight’s tale didn’t get much play, i doubt the fishing log would either.

the braves are dominant.  they can hardly lose (except for last night) and will win their division, the pennant, and the world series this year.  i’ll bet 50 bucks on it with anybody who’s dumb enough to take that action.  the heat and the nuggets aren’t looking good, so my basketball season is pretty much over, barring some miracle.  i don’t watch hockey, cuz i can’t ever see the puck on my antique tv.  i don’t care at all about the NFL draft.

my garden is going off!!  i’ve only planted a couple early things so far — potatoes

onions

and asparagus. 

they are all growing fast, and i think i’m going to pick the first potatoes in 2 weeks.  the nice weather and a little rain have made for a perfect spring.  gardening is a great hobby, and i highly recommend it to anyone who needs some relaxing pastime.

i’m going to cackalacky next weekend for a 12 day trout fishing expedition!!  aww yeah.  that means no blog production from me, but lots of fun and liquor drinking and swimming and catching fish until my arms hurt.  hooray!

Finally, my savage of the day…

you know him from The Byrds and CSNandY.  He’s a junkie and has appeared on such comedy shows as Family Guy and Futurama.  Stoney told me a story about this savage coming into the recording studio with a brown paper bag full of blow.  that’s what i call bad-ass.  just the same, here is our winner — David Crosby!  Congratulations, Mr. Crosby.  Keep tooting.

Puck: A Model of Savagery

Puck, aka Puck the Fuck, Puck the Motherfuck, Fucking Puck, etc., is a true model of savagery, whose life and works should be studied by anyone claiming savage heritage or deed. I, Stoney, was the first of the crew to meet Puck. Puck was the adopted cat of a Kuwaiti weed-dealer of mine. She* (*weird right?) was a part of a mysterious underground Williamsburg sect, or clan, of drug-doers and naysayers who were a couple of years older than me. Our extreme, independent predecessors, if you will.

I remember going to my friend’s* (*drug dealer) house and seeing this big, mean orange cat that everybody in the room would take turns fighting and throwing to the next person. I didn’t fuck with him then, because he would just bite the shit out of anyone who tried to touch him, and finally, he just got kicked out. Enough with those clowns.

Eventually, my Kuwaiti lady drug dealer moved back to…..Kuwait. It’s hard to get cats across the border anymore, they just lock them up in quarantine, and most don’t survive. Apparently the girl asked a bunch of people to take Puck, but no one could handle his flagrant bullshit. Roughty was moving into my place at the time, and he decided to adopt Puck. There were 2 other cats living there at the time, and Puck immediately established his dominance over the others, and after the first second of his presence, there was a new order at 1-420 Apartment A. Puck the Motherfuck was in town.

Some cats are mean, some are weak, they are all different. I have seen cats be little bitches, seen them act like tough guys, I’ve seen a shit load. Puck is the only cat I’ve ever seen that will immediately take over a room once he has entered. If you have business with Puck, he takes control of the situation, and puts himself at the center of your attention. If that orange bitch has something to say, or wants to command your attention, he simply jumps up in your lap, and puts his big orange face right in your face. Then, he will meow/growl/scream at you, pouring his tuna and bird breath all over your shit. If you try to move him, or tell him to fuck off, he will only yell at you more loudly, and emphasize the fact that HE is in control, and that HE will do as he pleases.

Don’t let all this “tough guy” talk make you think Puck is some kind of extreme asshole. On the contrary, once you have been relegated to a position in Puck’s universe, you will be given attention according to your rank on the totem pole. Most of the time, when he is demanding some bullshit from you, sitting on your lap, all he really wants is some attention, and due praise and worship. Food is not usually what he wants, because Puck is an accomplished hunter, and really has no need to grovel for processed horse meat. Birds and mice were his easy target. Please.

This measly post doesn’t come close to describing the beast that is Puck. Imagine being asleep, and then waking up with a claustrophobic heaviness weighing on your chest. You open your eyes, and a huge orange face with yellow eyes is staring you down. When you sees you are awake, he will begin to pur and possibly yell at your face, so you can wake up and scratch his ass, which apparently is very pleasing to large orange cats.

I fully support Puck’s new position as mascot, emblem and purveyor of the savagery this site tries to represent. Puck, we salute your fuck ass.