Archive for April, 2007

Britney Spears is paying my rent this month

At work on Friday, my bossman gave me the tip that BS would be playing her “secret comeback shows” this week, and told me which shows and under which fake name. I went home and bought 5 tix at 35$ a pop, and with all the Ticketmaster bullshitstem, it came out to about 240$.

Right now, the concert news has yet to be leaked, but there are still some up for sale on eBay.  The cheapest ones are going for about 90$ a pop, BUT there are some up for 1k for 2 tix.  With 5 tickets, I plan to pull in at least 1500, but I would love 2500.  I think there are 5 people out there willing to pay that much for these tickets, don’t you?

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Anyway, week after week I bust my stupid ass to get up at 4:20 AM, do a bunch of stupid bullshit, and get paid about 1k every 2 weeks for it.  If this bullshit goes through, I would have earned between a half-month and a full-month’s worth of salary in one play. Absurd.

In other news, I slacked on my blog last week because I got busted. That’s right, the man came down on me, pretty hard too. Fucking no good waste of space lame ass bitchboys. Shit.  I had my work load effectively doubled.

Anyway, I just wanted to say Thank You to Britney Spears for getting her career back in line and paying my rent.  Usually I hate scalpers, but because this can’t be technically called “music,” and I don’t respect any potential customers, I feel satisfied and happy with my potential, unearned profits.

If it falls through, I’m in big trouble with my special lady, because she funded the operation. Zing!

blog production…

so, with the exception of roughty’s insightful and always poignant posts, this blog is falling off big-time.  what the hell is going on, stoney?  i wanna know…

i’m ’bouts to chop yo ass.  after all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander…

hey, i heard some really funny jokes the other day… (racism, AHOY!)

1.  Did you know that there will only be 49 contestants in next year’s Miss Black America pageant?…  Did you know that?…  Did ya?…

Yeah, nobody wants to wear the banner that says “I-da-ho.”  (This one is perhaps much better when delivered orally, but hey, oral is always best…)

2.  (This one is really pretty bad, indeed.)  What do you call an African-American on water skis?

 Give up?

A top-water jig…  (EWWW!  No you didn’t…)

3.  I don’t remember the joke, but the punchline is very funny…  Here goes…

“The vet said not to worry unless he shits out 2 dimes and a nickel.”  (Maybe you had to be there.)

4.  This is a real joke. 

This rich guy had just retired and decided he would devote his twilight years to philanthropy.  So, in his quest for the perfect cause, he went to this modern new hospital, told the boss-doctor that he wanted to invest in the hospital’s future.  Before he did, though, he wanted a tour around the hospital to make sure everything was legit.

So the doctor said, “ok,” and they started walking around the hospital, looking at new equipment and checking in on patients.  They enter this one room, and there’s this guy in the hospital bed and a nurse sitting next to him whacking him off.  The rich old guy was taken aback and asked the doctor, “What the hell kind of hospital is this?”  The doctor said, “Oh, that gentleman has a condition that requires him to ejaculate every two hours.  The nurse was just helping him out a little bit.”  The old man was pretty much ok with that, so they continued the tour.  They walked into another room, and there was another man in a hospital bed.  Beside him, a nurse sat giving the patient felatio!!

The old investor said to the head-doctor, “This is just too much.”  The doctor replied, “You don’t understand!  This patient has the same condition as the last guy.  He’s just got better insurance.”

Long story short, the old man decided to invest in the hospital, but a few days later, he came down with a rare and debilitating disease (can you guess which one?) and lived happily ever after.

OK, that’s all for the jokes.  See, this is what you guys miss out on by not having any red-necks in your family. 

So, what’s going on with me, you ask?  Well, good question.  I’ll tell you.

i am almost done with the current semester, and i haven’t blown my brains out just yet.  this is a moral victory.

fishing season is going great.  i fish every day and have caught lots of fish so far this spring.  based on my fishing expeditions, i have started a fishing journal.  every time i fish, i write a couple pages about what happened, what i caught, what i saw, and that type of stuff.  this is big fun for me, and it’s good to keep practicing writing.  i was thinking about posting an entry on this blog but thought better of it.  if stoney’s knight’s tale didn’t get much play, i doubt the fishing log would either.

the braves are dominant.  they can hardly lose (except for last night) and will win their division, the pennant, and the world series this year.  i’ll bet 50 bucks on it with anybody who’s dumb enough to take that action.  the heat and the nuggets aren’t looking good, so my basketball season is pretty much over, barring some miracle.  i don’t watch hockey, cuz i can’t ever see the puck on my antique tv.  i don’t care at all about the NFL draft.

my garden is going off!!  i’ve only planted a couple early things so far — potatoes

onions

and asparagus. 

they are all growing fast, and i think i’m going to pick the first potatoes in 2 weeks.  the nice weather and a little rain have made for a perfect spring.  gardening is a great hobby, and i highly recommend it to anyone who needs some relaxing pastime.

i’m going to cackalacky next weekend for a 12 day trout fishing expedition!!  aww yeah.  that means no blog production from me, but lots of fun and liquor drinking and swimming and catching fish until my arms hurt.  hooray!

Finally, my savage of the day…

you know him from The Byrds and CSNandY.  He’s a junkie and has appeared on such comedy shows as Family Guy and Futurama.  Stoney told me a story about this savage coming into the recording studio with a brown paper bag full of blow.  that’s what i call bad-ass.  just the same, here is our winner — David Crosby!  Congratulations, Mr. Crosby.  Keep tooting.

There’s no crying in football

This is what happens when you disobey mommy and daddy.  Refuse to clean your room?  Refuse to finish your dinner?  Daddy is just gonna dump you in the endzone of a football game.

In all seriousness, this kid was okay, if you believe 30 stitches to the dome equates to okay.  I wonder who the genius was, who thought of a “Children Fun Day” in the endzone of a college football practice.  What did they think would happen?  Next year, Colorado State should gather the kids and hand out grab bags filled with needles, pills, and tasers.

III DOG….CHOP!

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Deddog, III$, III Dogg….you are done. Unlike my short-lived obituary for Suit, this post contains no personal vendetta or slap against the wrist.

One of my closest weedlings, I take full credit for peer-pressuring you into smoking buds for the first time. I cannot tell about 80% of our mutual stories due to flagrant content, blog laws in place and because I was too stoned to remember most of the time.

A habitual and fundamental denier of common laws of decency and respect, I commend III Dog fully in deed, manner and form. A true example of against the grain savagery, I chop you with the utmost respect permissible.

I invite you to post any of your random thoughts and rants under your name on this blog.

Without further ado, CHOP, BIYITCH!

With props and respek to all-

Jesus is my coach

Religion is always an easy target for naysayers and haters alike. I have always enjoyed a laugh at bible thumping idiots who go completely overboard and discredit their religion for others.

I found these little trinkets years ago, when blogs were not the craze. However, now that I have a forum to mock dumbass shit like these, I believe I will take full advantage of the privilege.These figurines depict our savior throwing down on the playing field. Jesus can perform a plethora of miracles, why not sport related? If I ever receive one of these as a gift, I don’t think I could be held accountable for my subsequent actions.

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I don’t know what this kid is thinking. You can’t tackle Jesus! Please. This figurine was fashioned moments before Jesus gave a stiff arm to the boy, spiked the ball in the end zone, then proceeded to do the worm. I heard the ref tried to flag Jesus for his celebration, but Jesus had God smite him.

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I thought Jesus was supposed to condone love, not tutor a bunch of aspiring black belts. Jesus has his work cut out for him to coach these kids. To start, they are wearing belts of a color I didn’t know existed in martial arts. Furthermore, the boy on the left is not even looking at his opponent. That’s a good way to get your shit wrecked little boy, get your shit together.

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Well, that just looks plain wrong. With all the pedophile scandals, I am not sure the church should show Jesus in such a compromising position.

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Once again, the church cannot stop the pedophile imagery. Follow Jesus’ gaze. His eyes are looking toward a very naughty area. Who likes short shorts?

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Jesus is indiscriminate; He supports the X-Games sports as well. When you are training or competing in these hazardous sports, it always helps to have the Messiah by your side. Once you break your neck, its useful to have immediate absolution on hand.

Catholicshopper.com also notes that each statue is emblazoned with, “Jesus Is My Coach”. That’s great, but while Jesus is coaching little Billy, who is helping the under privileged and downtrodden? Who cares, Jesus taught Billy this sick cross-over that gave him some street cred in hoops.

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Editor’s note: Suityourself was walking to work the other day, and he passed some ass-hole bible-thumper holding a sign and shouting at people. suit was late enough already, so he decided to stop and watch the action for a moment. an elderly lady rode her bike past the blooming idiot. he immediately shouted, “just keep on riding… you probably can’t handle god’s wisdom.” for the record, the “wisdom” he mentioned was a sign he was carrying which read, “god hates fornicators!” on the other side, it read, “heaven or hell? it’s your choice!” suit was pretty angered at this shouting, so he walked up to the bible-thumper and said, “if i hear you screaming at one more person, me and my friends are going to come out here and kick the shit out of you.” this may sound uncharacteristic, but i swear to god that it happened. as i walked away, i shouted, “and get a real job you piece of shit.” so, now for the punchline… when i came out of the office 20 minutes later to sneak a drag off my cigaweed, the asshole was already gone. what do you make of that? if this guy was so sure that he was going to heaven, why was he so scared of a beatdown from me and my (nonexistent) friends?! i think my chastizing caused him to question his faith. if he’s addicted to rocks and has pawned off his bible collection, i’ll consider my life a success. that story is just to echo roughty’s sentiment — bible-thumpers are idiot assholes.

Are you rugged?

Are you rugged? Probably not. A rugged personality echoes a savage personality on a number of different levels.  You might even argue that being “rugged” means that you are “savage.”  I would say this is probably true in 95% of cases, but there is always the possibility of a rugged non-savage, but then we would have to closely examine what exactly makes this person rugged, etc….let’s just consider them different shades of the same color.  Also, you could be a non-rugged savage (jason bateman in AD, christian bale in American Psycho both come to mind).

One of the main principles of “ruggedry” is hygiene.  Do you use gel? Non-savage/non-rugged.  Do you make it a point to shower every single day of your life? Non-rugged, probably non-savage (savages are not afraid of their own odor).  Do you refuse to take a bite out of someone’s sandwich, or use the same fork, or some other manifestation of your pussiness? Non-rugged.

The essential rugged bathing and transformation session can be broken down into 3 quick steps.  Shit, Shower, Shave.  That’s it.  Gotta go to work in the morning? SSS.  Gotta go on a date? SSS.  Did you just wake up in a pile of shit and vomit with a needle hanging out of your arm? SSS.  See what I’m saying?

Shit– remove all excessive waste and beer from the previous day.  On a bad, bad hangover/post-party day, the shits might keep coming for a while, and it might be a good idea to finish up shitting before you take a shower, because come on. Why would you take a shower when you know you have more butt mud on the way?

Shower – the shower is the all-knowing, all-cleaning hand towel from God, where all of your past sins and misdeeds can be forgotten in hot steam and soap. Although being rugged usually entails a certain level of consistent dirtiness and grunge, the shower is the zenith of cleanliness for ruggedness.  It literally does not get better than this.

Shave – I’ll be honest here and say I only have to shave like once every 3 weeks.  However, a shave is necessary for the full transformation from dirty ruggedness to clean ruggedness.

I have outlined the SSS system very briefly, but the key is….keep it simple, fuckers.  You do not need gel, alcohol-cologne spray, white non-athletic sneakers, puka shell necklaces, or any other shit.  All you really need is Irish Spring and toothpaste, and some shaving cream.

I dedicate this post to Rugged Ron, the father of one of the original savages, who never started blogging on this shitstem.  Rugged Ron was the epitome of ruggedness and savagery, and his favorite place to shop was known to be Big Lots.  Rugged indeed.

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Another 420 Post (brought to you by no. 1 style-biter)

Well, thanks to the Wage Slave for his insightful comments about the holiday.  it seems as though everybody around my part of the world is enjoying the holiday.  at class this morning, everybody and their brother was wearing sunglasses.  as i stood at the podium lecturing, i couldn’t help laughing at the assholes in the back row falling asleep.  i wanted to tell them, “oh, i been there,” but i didn’t have the heart to let them know that i knew what was up.  it’s probably better if they think i don’t smoke every single day of my existence.

some people are freaking out.  they think that since it’s a drug holiday and Hitler’s birthday and the anniversary of the Columbine massacre (remember that?) and so close to the most recent tragedy that some shit is going to hit the fan…  i don’t know.  maybe… maybe not, too.  some asshole called in a threat the other day, but nobody even left campus.  it was, without a doubt, the most bogus threat we’ve had in quite a while.

well, my sessions have become shorter and more boring these days than ever before.  in the past, the boys and i would get together and roll like ten blunts like those depicted in stoney’s post.  we’d set there and burn them until we could hardly move, wait about five minutes and do it all over again.  frequently, these sessions would last until 3 or 4 am (and we didn’t even do blow).  looking back, from what i can remember of those times (which admittedly ain’t much), we really didn’t appreciate them like we should have.  i was always bitching because i just knew i had somehow gotten shorted by someone during the process.  For instance, i can’t remember how many times i said, “come on, man, pitch another nug for the el.”  i can’t remember, but it was a lot.  also, there were lots of times when danknuggets was mad at stoney or stoney was mad at danknuggets, and we would start burning, and all the passive aggressive comments would start, and eventually everyone was stoned and pissed…  not a good combo.

just the same, at least we were all chilling together.  nowadays, i smoke alone.  about half a j per night in my back yard…  then i watch baseball or cartoons…  then read maybe 10 pages… then go to sleep.  it’s rare that i talk to anyone after burning, and i miss those times when we would all set around and shoot the shit for hours and hours.  i’d like to think that if we all got together again, we’d be mature enough to keep our shit together and have fun rather than bitching at each other the whole time…  who knows?

anyway, today is a day to look back on the past and look forward to the future.  maybe in 420s to come, we’ll all be rich enough to ride our pegasuses (or is it pegasii) to each other’s houses and smoke blunt after blunt like the old days.  maybe the powers that be will eventually…

…legalize it…  but who knows?

all i know for sure is that tonight won’t be a usual 420 for me.  i’m going all out.  as follows is my plan for the evening:

1.  Dick around here until 7.

2.  Administer a final exam.

3.  Go home, take a shower, roll 2 blunts.

4.  Hop in the honda, light a blunt and drive around on several blaze routes until blunt #1 is gone.

5.  Go to the bar.

6.  Buy drinks, get drunk and start talking to random strangers.

7.  Walk away from my ladyfriend and start trying to mack some marine’s g.f.

8.  Get my ass beat.

9.  Smoke blunt #2 until i stop crying.

oh yeah, i defy you high rollers and west coast fakers to top that!!

OK, in the spirit of Stoney’s post, here’s my list of most savage weed songs:

#1 — Who’s got the herb? (311)

#2 — Kaya (Bob Marley) [in memory of danknuggets’ soon to be chopped ass]

#3 — Tumbleweed (Afroman)

#4 — Weed Song (Bone Thugs -n- Harmony)

#5 — Mary Jane (Rick James[bitch])

Ok, that’s enough pictures.  I don’t want Stoney to get jealous of my page views and kick me the fuck out again 🙂

but lookie here what i got for ya… 

nice trout from New Year's Day

this is me holding a fish i caught in the conway river on new years day.

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this is the scoreboard at wrigley field in chicago.  i saw them get spanked by the astros last week.

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jason marquis is an ex-brave.  that’s how come he got onto the blog.

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this is my father fighting a trout on the tuckaseegee river in old cacalacky.

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WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GUY?! … wait for it…

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WHOA!  no name-dropping.  just a visual shout-out!

OK, so i hope this post doesn’t make you bored, but if it does, just read about grundels and pegasii until you feel better… 

hope nobody gets arrested tonight!

SENIOR EDITOR ROUGTHY’S NOTE: 

This guy is honoring the holiday correctly.  Bob knows whats up.

By the way, do they pump crazy air into that studio?  I never understood why people go batshit insane on that show.  However, if I got on “The Price is Right”, I would probably go total ape shit.