Bible thumping begets skull thumping

Great.  Just great.  Here I am minding my business, enjoying my sabbatical, and with one click it’s all ruined.

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Here is an excerpt from the article published by dailygamer.net:

“The Kansas Board of Education approved a controversial measure yesterday that will ban all Pokemon video games, trading cards, and related merchandise because of the franchise’s blatant promotion of evolution. The vote, which passed by a narrow margin after weeks of debate amongst members of the board, is being hailed as a victory by conservatives and religious groups.

Teachers will now be required to search their students at the beginning of the school day to make sure that they aren’t carrying any copies of the game. Any copies that are found will be immediately and permanently confiscated, and the student may be subject to punishments ranging from a temporary suspension to outright expulsion for repeat violators.

Many Kansas churches also held events geared towards encouraging children to drop the game, ranging from several “Pokemon burnings” where copies of the games were thrown into large bonfires, to programs that provided students with a free Bible for every game they turned in to church authorities.”  The full article can be read here.

Clearly, God hates Pokemon.  Hey, thumbs up, and high-fives all around!  You’ve just trivialized your religion by associating Pokemon with God.  Can we just kick Kansas to the curb already?  Seriously, what is its use?  You know that game that has been circling the Internet recently, “Name 50 states in 10 minutes”?  Well the lone state that kept me from achieving that personal victory was Kansas.  However, in my defense, I heard people living in Kansas even forgot to list Kansas before the 10-minute time limit.  I did not think they had the Internet in Kansas, but upon further research I found that Al Gore personally delivered it to them two years ago.   

There are so many glaring contradictions with this; I do not know where to begin.  With game and gaming device prices being so high these days, it forces me to ponder how these children got their grubby mitts on the heathen Pokemon.  Either these young Kansans are moonlighting on the black market, or mommy and daddy provided the capital, the ride, and the OK to purchase this instrument of Satan.  Yet, you can rest assured that these parents attended the mass burning, or lobbied for Pokemon’s banishment.  What’s a little hypocrisy going to hurt, especially when your reward is an old fashioned burning; and we all know how fun a burning can be.  

Pokemon is a popular children’s game that first gained popularity in the United States in 1996 with the release of the Pokemon Red and Pokemon Blue roleplaying games for the Nintendo Gameboy. Players capture the “pocket monsters” and train them to fight other monsters in the game world. With enough training, a monster will eventually “evolve” into a more powerful monster.” 

Oh oh oh, I see where you were going with this Kansas.  So let me get this straight, because the little digital pocket monsters were evolving through their hard work and training, they become a threat to your children’s immortal souls.  Well by that rationale, your children should halt any ambition to better themselves.  It’s a sin to better yourself by evolving and adapting.  It’s a good thing these kids live in Kansas; the only things they need to adapt to are boredom, severe depression, and retarded mongoloids.  But that’s OK, Jesus is there to help.   

Furthermore, teachers there are now required (that’s right, fucking required) to search all children at the beginning of the school day.  Now teachers are forced to think, “Fuck learning how to count and read, I forgot to violate little Billy’s fourth amendment right today.”  However, I doubt they learn how to count and read in Kansas anyway. 

I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.  So I decided to do a little research.  Here are a few topics that are covered on the lesson plan in Kansan schools: 

1. God smiting heathens: Practical uses and applications

2. How the Jews killed God’s only son, and how to avenge Him

3. MANDATORY HANDOUT: A book detailing which books must be burned. (the irony is priceless, it’s like inanimate cannibalism) 

After violating the fourth amendment, Kansas is not finished trampling all over the Constitution.  Teachers are over worked as it is.  Dealing with little Jimmy and Jenny’s asshole parents, who think Jimmy and Jenny are “gifted” is bad enough, but now they are expected to become the wrathful hand of God.  Separation of church and state?  Please, this is Kansas. 

For those lucky children who see the light and realize their sinning ways, the church has established a support group and has been handing out free bibles for every game put to the flames.  Of course though, the children must drop their pants submit to a higher power. 

SIDE NOTE: AA and all those anonymous programs are such bullshit.  Where does an atheist go to get help for his/her hedonist nature?  If you’ve got a problem, fix it yourself.  You can’t rely on a bunch of bible thumping assholes to fix your life; they have enough of their own problems to deal with. 

These people are always such hypocrites.  These are the people who love life so much that they abhor abortion, yet, they love them some executions.  Ahem…

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L E T  M E  C L E A R  M Y  T H R O A T 

ADDITIONAL SIDE NOTE: Executions always remind me of that song from a Ren & Stimpy show, “The Lord loves a hangin’, that why He gave us necks”.  John K. is brilliant. 

These are the people who kill abortion doctors, or kill in the name of God, or believe that Jesus was of Aryan stock, just casually overlooking the blatant fact that He was Jewish.  That is why I can never take Nazis and skin heads seriously.  They hate Jews, but the man they love the most, was in fact Jewish.  How can they justify their douchebaggery?  I can’t stand wishy-washy people, make up your fucking mind and stick with it.  See what you did to my relaxing week Kansas?  See what you did?

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  I’m back you slack-jawed neophytes.  This Kansas business brought me back earlier than planned.  “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

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3 Responses to “Bible thumping begets skull thumping”


  1. 1 stoneywageslave April 5, 2007 at 7:25 am

    Stoney says: investigatory journalism + opinion = classic


  1. 1 Virginia Tech shooting "expert" « Stoney Wage Slave Trackback on April 18, 2007 at 8:37 am
  2. 2 Jesus is my coach « Stoney Wage Slave Trackback on April 23, 2007 at 11:25 am

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