Archive for the 'lameness' Category

A Great Awakening: The Blog Revival

Well, my plan worked.  Everyone is gone and there is nobody to read/write entries.  All mine!  mwhaahaahaa.  Anyway, it’s been awhile and I just wanted to start off by telling everyone that they are gay. 

 For news, well, I ran into a long lost brother: III dog.  I was standing outside of an academic building dreading the fact that I had to go to class and up walks the one the only.  But, does everyone know that grad school is for fags?  This shit blows and if you ever feel any inclination to lead a more fulfilling life and escape your wage slavery–don’t.  Yes, that’s right.  You have an eyewitness that is telling you.  Live an unfulfilling, selfish life.  Work, put in your eight hours, go home, and forget about what hell you just went through.  The beauty of work is that you can leave it at the office if you want.  Grad school is gay.  I’ve actually decided to do my reading for once and now all I do is fucking read.  Read, Read, REad.  And, some may say,  “well, that guy is lucky.  He is enlightening his brain and reading interesting stuff.”  Well, if you think that is the case you are sorely mistaken.  Nothing is interesting in my course of study.  I mean, does anyone find gender roles in Antebellum (pre-war) America interesting?  No, only man-hating lezzies.  Well, I guess I miss not reading cool stuff and listening to people talk about it. 

On another note, all the nay-sayer can eat a big fat because the Giants won the Super Bowl.  Yep, that’s right, Giants.  As for shit-talk for upcoming events, Red Sox are looking to defend their championship.  Unfortunately, I’ll be stuck watching the National League suck the big one. 

Anyway, I’ve got to go eat dinner at 7 -11.  Ahh, the good life. 

 Also, stoney, suit, roughty, and twitch are gay. 

MMA set to annihilate Hollywood

And I do mean annihilate.  This movie, “Beyond the Ring” is the stuff studios get wrecking balls taken to them over.  If you love inexplicable slow motion, fake accents, worse fight scenes, and terrible knock-off Korn music, your movie has finally come to fruition.  Oh, and add in a whopping dose of Gary Busey (like there is any other kind of dose of Gary Busey).

WOW!  Consider my face melted.  I had my reservations about joining that MMA class down the street, but now that I know I have the opportunity to make $300,000, save a little girl from a deadly brain tumor, AND bleed my own blood, I will be first in line tomorrow morning to rock that dojo. 

I may not be the fastest, strongest, or most skilled, but Hollywood has taught me all I need is heart.  Heart, and an older black man as my mentor (preferably a blind one, but I will take what I can get).  Oh, and a chiseled jaw, and a girl who is dating the king of the dojo who is taken by surprise for her strange new feelings for the dashingly handsome upstart in the MMA world. 

Before I get ahead of myself though, we do need to list a few of the highly egregious fouls this movie commits.

1.  Tossing in a useless sub-plot to tug at the heartstrings of the .5% of the population who will see this movie.  I mean, seriously.  Come on.  Am I supposed to believe this guy is fighting to raise $300,000 to get rid of her brain tumor.  First of all, if this little girl has no insurance, I am sure her bills have far surpassed that figure by now, and she hasn’t even had the surgery yet.  So, the main motive for your movie is out the fucking window from the get-go, congrats.

2.  Stating in your movie that your, “sport” is the most dangerous, most important, most famous, etc…etc in the world.  This is something inferior movies about inferior activities must include in at least the preview to get people to come watch.  I cannot recall watching a baseball, football, or basketball movie where there is some painful line going out of its way to state the obvious.  We know it is the World Series, Super Bowl, or NBA championship, because we know and care about those sports.

Yet when you get a movie about MMA for example, you must listen to some dumbass line such as, “This is the most dangerous profession in the world”.  Yeah, behind soldier, deep sea diver, police officer, fire fighter, astronaut, blogger, and so on.  Get over yourself MMA.

3.  Making me wish Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, or Gov. Schwarzenegger would make an appearance.  They don’t even need to do much, maybe a roundhouse kick here, a chop to the neck there, or even a terrible one-liner in some phony Austrain accent.  Anything to save me from the abomination this movie became. 

Ugh, it’s too early to get my blood riled up.

Got milk?

Mmmmm, milk.  It’s delicious.  I used to think everyone drank milk at the rate me and my family did, however it turns out a lot of people either do not like it, or cannot handle it.  Both these groups of people are non-savages.  Milk is delicious bovine nectar, here to quench my thirst, kill my hangovers, and ease my mind.

We all remember the, “Got Milk?” ads, and all the puns that were made on them in the mid-90s.  Yeah, they might have been stupid, but the message was real.  If your bow-legged ass had drank some whole milk between the ages of 3-5, maybe you would be a couple inches taller and be able to reach the steering wheel.  Its true, milk does a body good…

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There are kids who claim they don’t care about anything, and only their music, or their poetry can cure their ills.  WRONG!  Fucking retards.  These are the kids who mommy and daddy have to drag to the dentist every other day because junior wont brush his teeth.  Or little Jimmy has to go to the dermatologist again because he won’t shampoo his hair and the psoriasis is starting to bother other children.  If parents start these kids lives with proper milk consumption…

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…they can be saved from turning into this…

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Milk really can cure all of society’s ills, just give it a chance.  Fuck peace Lennon, it got its chance.

However, it seems like Japan needs a crash course in milk, quick.  Japanese arcades have recalled arm wrestling games. 

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Do you have what it takes to not shatter your arm?  Only 5,000 yen per play!

How weak do you have to be to break your own arm against an arcade game?  Isn’t this the country that spawned martial arts?  You’re slipping Japan.  Send in the reinforcements…

Bring on the milk!  That’s a full gallon!

This arcade game style punishment reminds me of my last trip to a video arcade; the site of the, “unpleasantness”.  I was wrecking, “Time Cop” and may have gotten a little carried away when the helicopter bombed my ass.  “Honestly officer, the next thing I remember is seeing red, waking up with police tape all around me, and Chuck E. Cheese lying in a pool of his own blood.”  I was lucky to get off, because if I have learned anything from Law & Order, it’s that insanity defenses rarely work, Jack “Attack” McCoy is surprisingly dapper in a real life courtroom, oh and bringing fake ballistics reports to the interrogation will get even the most hardened criminal to fold.  

I really hope they do not keep these games out of Japanese arcades for long.   The Japanese have already taken down Godzilla, yet how are their kids supposed to train for a Sylvester Stallone rampage?  See how you like it Japan, when Sly rolls in on his big rig, and snaps everyones arms because they don’t drink milk, and this game was taken out of circulation.  Trust me, it will happen.  Will you be prepared?

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Hark Upon the Gale

PBK inductee

school, baseball/football, dentistry and blogistry

this is the first week of school. fucking worst. doing all the work for none of the money as… per… usual. worst. oh well, as we all know, the first week of fall semester means one thing above all others — girls with tans in their fresh threads. yup that’s right. all over the place. william and mary had dorky ass tanned chicks in fresh threads. when you saw them, you were like, “hey, how did that roast turkey escape from the window of boston market?” now, i’m at a dif. place and the ladies are way dif. way hotter and… wait for it… younger.

you know it’s bad, but it feels so right. my mind’s telling me no but my body, my body’s telling me ye-e-es. (if you don’t know this line from the classic rkelly song, i’ll bet you had zero darkies in your whole high school. yup.) so, that’s what school’s about. sitting here and working and staring at 18-yr old girls… sad and deplorable, i know, but it’s what i’ve been reduced to and, truth be told, i’ll bet you fucks would do the same goddam thing. uh-huh.

braves are playing terribly. i think i’m going to have to say that this may not be their year. i hate to be pessimistic, but i don’t want to fool myself either. they’ll have two great games, and then 2 terrible games. they need starting pitching, and they don’t have it. it’s a shame, but i’m taking the long view. if they don’t win it all this year, it’ll make it that much better when they do win it — next year. just the same, with 30 games left, they’re only a few games out of the WC and the Divis., so hope is not lost just yet. nearly lost, but not quite lost completely.

the mets are fucking terrible. i hate everyone on their gay team. i hate their black coach (not cuz he’s black, though), and i hate their speedy baserunners. i hate the mets and i hope their plane crashes. i’m dead serious when i say this. nothing would make me happier than if omar manaya, jose reyes, carlos beltran and david wright got run over by a bus and then gored by a bull right in their respective junks. seriously. they’re so bad, and i hate them. good thing they’re getting destroyed by the phillies every night this week on my tv! pla-zow!!

speaking of soooo bad, i hate the red sux. dankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, you know better than to think they were winners. now, it’s crunch time, and manny has gotten some “injury” (aka yeast infection) and papi is too busy looking like a black and even more deformed andre the giant to hit homeruns. … … this is me trying to think of some other redsux to make fun of… … … wait a minute… … … they got nobody else. their team is made up of two power hitters and a million other foreign or geriatric also-rans. i hate the redsux, and they’re getting their just deserts by getting destroyed by the YANKEES two games in a row. bla-zam!! a-rod can hit, and manny and papi should learn something about class from him.

i got a fantasy football team, and i’m in a pickle. i am in a league with several of my professional superiors. this is fine, but i know more about football than them, so i’m torn between letting them win for the guan-shi (aka asskissing) or beating them back to the stone age just cuz i can. i think the former sounds more likely, but i haven’t decided. my team includes, among others, the following destroyers:

“Fast” Willie Parker —

Clinton Portis —

Alge Crumpler —

Tom Brady —

and many more villainous football rascals. get ready for a season of destruction, i’ll say to all who challenge me. i prefer baseball but have no problem embarrassing anyone who asks for it on the gridiron as well.

what i’m really looking forward to about football season is a) colder weather and b) fishing. the summer sucks cuz it’s hot and it’s hard to make the fish bite. when it gets a little cooler, i’ll get back to my main aquatic pastime, and then the deluge of fishing pictures will begin anew. prepare yourselves while there’s still time.

two nights ago, i broke off my toof. it broke off fo rizzeal. for the previous three days i had thought i had something between a couple of my teef, and i had been flossing like a mad man. then, the other night i was eating some delicious pretzels (honey mustard and onion flava) and felt something strange. i had broke off (and subsequently injested) by own toofus. it was delicious as it, too, was coated with the honey mustard and onion flava’d powder, but when i put my tongue into my toof’s former place of residence, i felt nothing but a terrible sink-hole. my toof was, how shall i say this, gonnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! it was so freaking scary. i was so freaked out. i thought my whole head was going to implode or something, and i’m almost sure it had nothing to do with how blazed i was. just the same, i went to the dentist the next day, and he told me that i had to get a crown… so i did… now i have spent 800 bizones, and i feel nobetter than i did with my old (obviously flawed) toof. this brings me to the main point of this paragraph. i have no idea what dentists are all about. on the one hand, i think it’s good to take care of this stuff before it gets out of hand (as in this particular case) but at the same time, why would you go to the dentist if your toofuses don’t hurt? after all, if it ain’t broke… (you can finish this sentence, surely). in my case, it was broke. it being my toof. and now it’s back. i have a dynamic, space-age toof now, and i will chomp the fingers of anyone who questions my oral hygiene. fyi, this is what a crown looks like

don’t question me when i say that i will verily chomp upon your fingers with my radioactive toof of fury.

last topic for the day — blogs. i was teaching class, and one of my students was saying, “well, you can’t believe anything you read on blogs anyway.” i replied, “sure you can. you just have to read the right blogs.” this was my gut reaction, and i would stick with it. blogs are only as reliable as those who write them. in our case, i think this is a bit different. we don’t write this shit because we want to convince people that we are a) smart or b) cool. in fact, most of the time, these blogs are dedicated to our real loserocity. this is, i think, what makes our blog different from the blog-herd currently polluting the web. everyone else is out there preaching about this or that important issue but really saying very little that matters at all. we are talking about pegasii, tv shows, fake marriages, and other meaningless, non-sensical bullshit, but at least what we’re saying means something to us. i mean, at least when stoney writes something, he knows roughty, twitch, dankklkkkiel and i will like it. when i write something, i know they will like it. when roughty writes something, he knows we’ll like it. when dankkkkkkkkkkkkkk writes something, he thinks that we’ll like it, (and though he’s usually wrong, we like him anyways sometimes). so, my point is that dankkkkkkkkkkkkiel is cool even though his blogs are not, and we are all losers who write the worst, best blog in the galaxy. just kidding. this blog sucks, and nobody should ever waste their time reading or writing anything for this crap-chunk.

[shit aint working right]
yall know…

Want to be like a celebrity? Support Vick.

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Vick better hope Ren doesn’t get a crack at him, that motherfucker is crazy.  Not Dank crazy, but just as liable to fuck you up.

Well, the latest celebrity to blindly defend Michael Vick and his douchbaggery is the knucklehead Jaime Foxx.  You can read his interview here.

Let’s review an excerpt:

“It’s a cultural thing, I think,” Jamie said. “Most brothers didn’t know that, you know. I used to see dogs fighting in the neighborhood all the time. I didn’t know that was Fed time. So, mike probably just didn’t read his handbook on what not to do as a black star.”

Sure, let’s give Vick a break, he is the true victim here.  He was probably just unaware he faced “Fed” time for fighting and killing dogs.  Now that I think of it, people usually do things they don’t think are illegal in hidden, dark, windowless places.  Furthermore, digging graves to hide evidence shows me Vick and his hobbyists possess the clearest consciences in the tri-state area.

I think Jaime also let a secret slip to white America.  Maybe I am in the dark here, but I had no idea a, “handbook on what not to do as a black star” existed.  No-nos would most likely include, making it rain, firing your gun into the air outside a club, or masturbating to a porn DVD while driving your Escalade

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“I know that cruelty to animals is bad, but sometimes people shoot people and kill people and don’t get time,” Jamie continued. “I think in this situation, he really didn’t know the extent of it, so I always give him the benefit of the doubt.”

That makes sense.  He’s young, rich, and can run fast, we should give him a pass.  Because we all know he can’t pass.  Ka-zing!  The nation, according to these celebrity Vick supporters, is unfairly attacking Vick.  Well I’m sorry.  Sorry to hold him to the laws real citizens have to live by.  I’m tired of this bullshit with celebrities getting off, or doing 1-2 days in jail. 

See also:

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But then again, what do I know?  I’m broke, never been on TV, and I don’t have boobs.  Let’s listen to all these celebrities, sure I can trust them.  As a matter of fact, I recall I voted for George Clooney for president in 04.  People just were not ready in 04, maybe 08.

Foreign Invader Takes Over Blogres, Installs New P.M.

Similar to the blietzkreig’s lightning attack of speedy fast quickness, a foreign invader has conquered vacantly empty Blogres.  The invading invaders advantageously took advantage of King Stoney’s debaucherous debauchery on a weekend retreat into the depths of the dark wooded forest of ghouls and plentiful fairy dust.  The Minister of Defense, Roughty McRoughton, and his army of little green Alesman sensed the plot afoot and attempted to meet the insurgent infidels but was impeded by the River of COX’ s Dam break and flooding of the southern swamps of the South end of the Kingdom.  The sole availabe resource to meet invader was the King’s Huntsman, SuitYourSelf the Busy, but the woodsman was off hunting the woods for herbs, berries, fish, and small game.  Now, all that stands in the invader’s way is the Blacksmith, Twitch the White, also the Court’s Rebuter empowered solely with the title of Premier Commenter.    

Travelin’ by day in their own land, the conquerors arrived in the early hours of Blogres and seized the Book of Savagery–the incredulous edict of the King and his court.  With this powerful empowerment the invader gained total controlocity in the unthinking subjects longing for the gift of endowed savagery.  They will now listen in dumbblankfaceirification to the holder of the Book of Savagery. 

His Awesomeness, Chancellor Ixniamak, the head of the new government, has issued his first decree:

Mouth-breathing, grass smoking, wannabe Fuckenstein polska opposition like this will be eliminated:

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Do not fear, my children, I will be victorious in battle

Your Loving Father and Chancellor,

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We, the Royal Press, promise to bring you all the details.  We hope we can bring you an exclusive of the Chancellor’s ceremonial Sulfuric Acid baby-head baptismal.  We will exploit all means to bring you the most suffering, death, and destruction of any news organization.   

–Morel the Destroyer–

Brought to you by Apple, Pickers of the Tree of Knowledge, (censored by the Committee to Kill the Human Spirit):