Archive for the 'reality' Category

Introducing the Next President

A second lease on life? What if you got a second lease on your second life, like your computer avatar, or whatever.

I thought of something today, and then dismissed myself. Here’s what I thought about: China is big in the news right now for “human rights violations.” Everyone is up arms about it, or at least a few people are. Everyone is pushing the Tibet issue.

I’m not going to do any research for this one, because I’m just not there. What about Darfur? Every single person I have seen waving a sign says some shit about Tibet. How many people have the Chinese actually “killed” in Tibet, or had a hand in? I have no idea, really.

Anyway, the reason everyone is talking about Tibet is because of the Dali Lama. Everybody likes the Dalai Lama because he is a super-nice guy, and he is the leader of an undeniably “hip” religion. Meditation, CHECK. Orange robes, CHECK. Allusions of martial arts ass-kicking, CHECK.

My point is, it’s a lot easier to rally around an orange spiritual leader than it is to rally behind faceless starving Africans from Africa. The UN, or US (no research) has PUBLICLY STATED that the Darfur situation is indeed a genocide that is occurring….as you read this blog. A genocide, being when one group of people systematically kills another group of people. China is giving the Sudan government guns (or something), which is in turn fueling this crazy genocide (or something). From what enters my foggy head peripherally, I can understand that China does in fact have a hand in the Sudan shitstem, in that they are profiting from the conflict, and their weapons are helping to continue the conflict, and China plans to keep supplying weapons and shit to keep up the profit.

Now that is a classic case of something I don’t fully understand being totally fucked up.

Moving right along, the media’s abandonement of the Darfur issue in favor of the Tibet issue has got to be killing a number of major celebrities, whose main “cause,” as it were, was bringing the Darfur situation to public’s eye. To be honest, I had no idea what the fuck Darfur was until I heard a bunch of celebrities talking about how fucked up it was, then the media storm (9-12 months ago) helped to bring it home. It’s fucked up! What I want to know is, is Brad, Angie and George Clooney sitting around in their Hollywood Hills mansion, cussing out the Dali Lama for stealing there show.

Angie: What the fuck, I’m the one who started this whole cause.

George: Well, actually, She-Devil, my dad has been really involved in this environmental, humanitarian bullshit for a long time. You’re not the first one, jackass.

Brad: I’m adopting New Orleans.

Angie: Well I’m already the President of Darfur, so fuck off.

Sen. John Kerry: You are all wrong. Global warming is the cause.

Fin

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Abdication saves ruler from the blade

Shiiiiit.  I’ve been gone.  I know it, you know it, all of SWS knows it.  I hear it almost daily from Stoney’s filthy face sewer. 

The glory days of summer are over (for the time being) my friends.  All the joy I experienced for writing words laced with daggers, tasers, and cocaine has dropped out the window.  Now when I sit down to this shitbox of a computer, it is to write bullshit about how China’s economy is squeezing Atlas’ testicles, or comparing/contrasting the works of Thomas Jefferson to John Locke.  F U C K I N G   B U L L S H I T.  Heres my comparison for you professor, they are both rotted corpses and both were probably assholes.  Deal with that.

I hate school, always have.  I enjoy learning, but do not feel the need to participate in an institution’s theory of how to learn.  A college degree means only one thing; you put up with four-? years of bullshit and getting fucked by pricks who believe they are better than you.  A degree does not mean you are smart.  See also: Dank, Suit, and Stoney.  I know plenty of college graduates who are complete and utter mongoloids, and I am sure you readers do as well.  It is all about how much shit you are willing to take.

That being said, I am taking the bullshit royally lately.  Mired in group projects with a bunch of knuckle-dragging slackers who cannot perform basic grammatical or mathematic operations has left me increasingly jaded; more so than usual.  Honestly, I have not thought about this fucking blog in quite some time, and yes it shows.  With many calls for the king’s head, I was teetering ever so close to one of Stoney’s false chops, hoping to extort me back into writing. 

However, the king has abdicated his throne for a while to a worthy up-and-comer from the population – Twitch.  I salute you, Twitch for picking up my slack in these dark and dire times.  The king will be back, most likely with a sharper tongue and infinitely more skewed views.  Abdication will always save one’s head from the chop.  More to come at a later date………I promise.

Sincerely,

His Royal Roughtonius of Funkytown.

And this is why you don’t try and mug somebody

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=49750&cl=3998436&ch=61492&src=news

Please, Please, Please check out the second video as well.  It is the best.  They’re building the army. 

And…

russia’s new bomb

And a little local news…

the tree climbing dog.

now for something pretty good.  sorry no substance.  i’m supposed to have a task here any hour now, so i can’t get writing.  I figured i’d just post videos like our laughably lauded loser blog poster, roughty.

Bow to your Master, except Suit, I need a Dr.’s Appointment

Well, neophytes, mongloids, troglodytes, and our readers, ol’ dank has done it again– 
Er got it done for him by his friends.  You are now reading the words of a future ex-masters student sure to be defamed and broken by the iron hand of american higher education.  Well, by iron hand, i more like mean crippled grip that lets the waste of the future generation slip through its fingers and into the bowels of bullshit.  I must tell all you little stonies that if your heart desires titles, respect, publishing outlets, and degrees in higher higher education simply wait for your good buddy to do it and then ride his coat-tails.  This is the stoney way.  It goes back to the beginning of time and only the savage can guiltlessly ride the wave of others’ success and call it their own. 

Stoney himself cheated his balls off of my econ exam one time for a 65.  Except he was too lazy to do it well and fell short of my 66.  Then we walked 20 yards out the door and convinced ourselves that tests are illegitimate (arguable) and that tests aren’t real (even more likely) and neither is the world–all over a big fat boombalatty. 

Roughty is currently in his seventh year and is a sophomore.  Twitch, never went to school because he could not tear himself away from his mother’s teat and has been home-schooled for fear his mothers always says-quote-They’re all gonna laugh at you.  Suit, well Pet World here we come.  I think we gotta get a few piles of dog food for me to lay on while you take care of the bidnaz.  I’ll just write some poetry and sneak you cigaweeds in the back by the dumpsters. 

 Well, I’m still sitting here at work waiting for somebody to tell me what to do.  This will be my eighth consecutive hour of waiting for directions while i get paid for this bloggity blogerfification.  I just want to let you all know that you can pursue graduate work by never going to class, never reading books, never staying awake when there, never stopping smoking weed, never trying, and always, always giving it your worst. 

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Stoney, the Fairweather fan shittalker

another moronic uninformed post by stoney below.  if he had any knowledge of the game last night, he would know that eli manning was just about the only thing happening in the game for the giants besides plaxico burress and amani toomer.   oh yeah, third stringer derek ward looked fucking good as hell too.  Eli Manning went 29-40 with 312 yards, threw 4 tds and one interception.  Detractors must know that the interception returned for a touchdown was caused by the venerable plaxico burress, 3 tds and 120+ yards, losing his footing on a comback route. 

 Stoney however, prolly does not know what a comeback route is.  I must blow up this idiotic  attack on Roughty and I’s NY Giants.  I was called late last night to talk about whatever it is we stoneies decide to poop out of our mouths at any given moment.  i informed the said fairweather flan, as in without much substance, i had watched a dissapointing loss by the Giants.  He exclaimed, “oh, i was watching a little bit of that”.  Now, to my surprise, Stoney was actually watching a sporting event.  I was not surprised that he did not watch much of it.  You see, dear readers, Stoney has the attention span of a pre-geico caveman and the patience of a snarling rabid dog.  He watches sports only to be one of the ‘boys’  and plug is whiny vagina for a few brief moments with acceptance and masculinity. 

 Anyone who watched the game, even briefly, with the slightest knowledge of football (mine is certainly slight due to my entrenched knowledge of the world’s game and america’s past time) would have recognized the categorical breakdown of the vagiants defense.  This is been the problem for the last two years, none so evident as a night when the offense looked great.  If anyone wants another reason why they sucked, just look at the blank face of Tom Coughlin. The team is beyond his control, but luckily Eli has manned up and taken responsibility as a quarterback.  The defense however, is weak and lost.  Not to detract from the natural ability of Tony Romo, but the secondary (that is everyone but the linebackers and o-line, stoney) is swiss cheese and has been for awhile.  Nonetheless, the Giants will still be the best team ever to play in history and will overcome not only its own obstacles of disorganization, motivation, and injury, but crush the critics of crass cantankerousness.  Now, onto the original motive of my coming out of retirement. 

 wait, one more, tiki barber retired, stoney.  his brother is still playing for your team.

 ‘Your Team’  a quick rundown of Stoney’s ‘teams’. 

Baseball-Yankees, when they win; Dodgers for a sense of belonging

NHL- Red Wings

NFL- Colts, Pats, Bucs,

Soccer-Brasil

if ever unsure, check the column marked ‘w’ and pick the top one. 

To completely emasculate my dear brother, stoney, I must reveal that the ammunition for his uninformed attack came from yours truly.  Before abruptly ending our conversation on his own terms, he double-checked the primers on his shit-talking munitions asking, “so it was the Giant’s defense?”  So, not only was his misinformation blatantly retarded, but also totally gay.  Next time Stoney, don’t smoke dope in the proverbial munitions storehouse. 

On a side note, Twitch, you never staked your claim for your ‘team’.

The list goes:

Stoney-Bucs

Suit- the one with the fastest black man

Roughty- hometown Foreskins

Dank-Giants and any team with fast black men, especially qb’s.

Twitch-?

Thanks for reading, readerous readers, you’re a loser if you think we’re cool. 

This message brought to you by the following:

YO, JOE!

 Who’s ready to get drafted?

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Sincerely,

dan-084.jpg

Finally getting paid to do this like you guys.   Done 20 minutes of work today. 

Getting Paid!

school, baseball/football, dentistry and blogistry

this is the first week of school. fucking worst. doing all the work for none of the money as… per… usual. worst. oh well, as we all know, the first week of fall semester means one thing above all others — girls with tans in their fresh threads. yup that’s right. all over the place. william and mary had dorky ass tanned chicks in fresh threads. when you saw them, you were like, “hey, how did that roast turkey escape from the window of boston market?” now, i’m at a dif. place and the ladies are way dif. way hotter and… wait for it… younger.

you know it’s bad, but it feels so right. my mind’s telling me no but my body, my body’s telling me ye-e-es. (if you don’t know this line from the classic rkelly song, i’ll bet you had zero darkies in your whole high school. yup.) so, that’s what school’s about. sitting here and working and staring at 18-yr old girls… sad and deplorable, i know, but it’s what i’ve been reduced to and, truth be told, i’ll bet you fucks would do the same goddam thing. uh-huh.

braves are playing terribly. i think i’m going to have to say that this may not be their year. i hate to be pessimistic, but i don’t want to fool myself either. they’ll have two great games, and then 2 terrible games. they need starting pitching, and they don’t have it. it’s a shame, but i’m taking the long view. if they don’t win it all this year, it’ll make it that much better when they do win it — next year. just the same, with 30 games left, they’re only a few games out of the WC and the Divis., so hope is not lost just yet. nearly lost, but not quite lost completely.

the mets are fucking terrible. i hate everyone on their gay team. i hate their black coach (not cuz he’s black, though), and i hate their speedy baserunners. i hate the mets and i hope their plane crashes. i’m dead serious when i say this. nothing would make me happier than if omar manaya, jose reyes, carlos beltran and david wright got run over by a bus and then gored by a bull right in their respective junks. seriously. they’re so bad, and i hate them. good thing they’re getting destroyed by the phillies every night this week on my tv! pla-zow!!

speaking of soooo bad, i hate the red sux. dankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, you know better than to think they were winners. now, it’s crunch time, and manny has gotten some “injury” (aka yeast infection) and papi is too busy looking like a black and even more deformed andre the giant to hit homeruns. … … this is me trying to think of some other redsux to make fun of… … … wait a minute… … … they got nobody else. their team is made up of two power hitters and a million other foreign or geriatric also-rans. i hate the redsux, and they’re getting their just deserts by getting destroyed by the YANKEES two games in a row. bla-zam!! a-rod can hit, and manny and papi should learn something about class from him.

i got a fantasy football team, and i’m in a pickle. i am in a league with several of my professional superiors. this is fine, but i know more about football than them, so i’m torn between letting them win for the guan-shi (aka asskissing) or beating them back to the stone age just cuz i can. i think the former sounds more likely, but i haven’t decided. my team includes, among others, the following destroyers:

“Fast” Willie Parker —

Clinton Portis —

Alge Crumpler —

Tom Brady —

and many more villainous football rascals. get ready for a season of destruction, i’ll say to all who challenge me. i prefer baseball but have no problem embarrassing anyone who asks for it on the gridiron as well.

what i’m really looking forward to about football season is a) colder weather and b) fishing. the summer sucks cuz it’s hot and it’s hard to make the fish bite. when it gets a little cooler, i’ll get back to my main aquatic pastime, and then the deluge of fishing pictures will begin anew. prepare yourselves while there’s still time.

two nights ago, i broke off my toof. it broke off fo rizzeal. for the previous three days i had thought i had something between a couple of my teef, and i had been flossing like a mad man. then, the other night i was eating some delicious pretzels (honey mustard and onion flava) and felt something strange. i had broke off (and subsequently injested) by own toofus. it was delicious as it, too, was coated with the honey mustard and onion flava’d powder, but when i put my tongue into my toof’s former place of residence, i felt nothing but a terrible sink-hole. my toof was, how shall i say this, gonnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! it was so freaking scary. i was so freaked out. i thought my whole head was going to implode or something, and i’m almost sure it had nothing to do with how blazed i was. just the same, i went to the dentist the next day, and he told me that i had to get a crown… so i did… now i have spent 800 bizones, and i feel nobetter than i did with my old (obviously flawed) toof. this brings me to the main point of this paragraph. i have no idea what dentists are all about. on the one hand, i think it’s good to take care of this stuff before it gets out of hand (as in this particular case) but at the same time, why would you go to the dentist if your toofuses don’t hurt? after all, if it ain’t broke… (you can finish this sentence, surely). in my case, it was broke. it being my toof. and now it’s back. i have a dynamic, space-age toof now, and i will chomp the fingers of anyone who questions my oral hygiene. fyi, this is what a crown looks like

don’t question me when i say that i will verily chomp upon your fingers with my radioactive toof of fury.

last topic for the day — blogs. i was teaching class, and one of my students was saying, “well, you can’t believe anything you read on blogs anyway.” i replied, “sure you can. you just have to read the right blogs.” this was my gut reaction, and i would stick with it. blogs are only as reliable as those who write them. in our case, i think this is a bit different. we don’t write this shit because we want to convince people that we are a) smart or b) cool. in fact, most of the time, these blogs are dedicated to our real loserocity. this is, i think, what makes our blog different from the blog-herd currently polluting the web. everyone else is out there preaching about this or that important issue but really saying very little that matters at all. we are talking about pegasii, tv shows, fake marriages, and other meaningless, non-sensical bullshit, but at least what we’re saying means something to us. i mean, at least when stoney writes something, he knows roughty, twitch, dankklkkkiel and i will like it. when i write something, i know they will like it. when roughty writes something, he knows we’ll like it. when dankkkkkkkkkkkkkk writes something, he thinks that we’ll like it, (and though he’s usually wrong, we like him anyways sometimes). so, my point is that dankkkkkkkkkkkkiel is cool even though his blogs are not, and we are all losers who write the worst, best blog in the galaxy. just kidding. this blog sucks, and nobody should ever waste their time reading or writing anything for this crap-chunk.

[shit aint working right]
yall know…

Fear Not

Fear not ye who stare in dumbblankfacerificatio.  This blasphemous affront from he with the royal nose and created royal lineage will be met with brutally harsh impunity.  He will be crushed with my iron gauntlet as I mold his flacid will like a piece of wet clay. 

The King’s claim to royal lineage is false and ridiculous.  My children, King Stoney was once a young grasshopper in my School of Debaucherous Edification.  This State sponsored program reluctantly admitted the Prince to imbue the naive Prince with the necessary rejection of extravagant material objects and extravagant g.p.a.’s .  What the young Prince did not realize is that this propagandalistic program of debaucherous inundation and and murdering of reason was to weaken the privileged for our worker’s revolution.  My arduous work of the last few months, day in and out, working into the wee hours of the night, was for the building of my barnesian army. 

I am a man of the people.  My father, a poor dirt farmer who struck oil through his rural education, rose through the ranks of the privileged like the early Blogres lineage that King Stoney claims.  Abandoning me in his quest for the tainted coin,  I was raised in the hardened industrial center of our land.  I am a worker that will crush the priviliged and distribute their wealth to the people.  Rise against your attacking tyrannical despot who rules with wild passion and uncontrolled partiality.  Join the ranks of the industrialized worker.  Sign up at your local Volkswagen dealer.  

In my brilliant plan of genius, I paved the way to revolution through my puppet P.M. Sunburner.  He is a weak man of the senses swayed toward the passion.  He is a weakened by his addiction to the witch’s brew squeezed of the rotten teat.  His ludicrous claim of peak conditioning and corpus care are being revealed by the pictures provided by Morel the Destoryer, a man of truth.     

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Taken after his royal decree last night

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Suppressing the Truth

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Destroyed by his Extravagance–Poisoned by Morel the Truthsayer

 Let this be a lesson to all who oppose the strengthening of the Bloggerland.  Sunburner is an example of any who stand in the way of our glorious revolution of the people.  Treacherous lechery will be Punished!

-Chancellor Ovaltine