Under The Radar

Under The Radar, or “UTR,” is a very important concept to understand and implement, if you are of a similar mindset to me. I’m not sure exactly how to pin down my “mindset,” but at this job, I’m pretty lazy and like to do the bare minimum. I’d like to add that it wasn’t always like this at my job; when I first started, this was my first job, I was gung-ho, blabla….but after a year and a half, I have concluded that my best option is to keep my head down and do what I’m told.

UTR means that you do your job right the first time, and that no management wants or needs to talk to you day-to-day. You’re doing your job, everything goes up on time, no mistakes, whambamthankyoumam.

I have touched briefly on this concept early in the blog, but wanted to outline some key points of achieving and maintaining Under The Radar status for the neophytes and job-seekers out there.

1. Show up on time every day, and do your job. Lateness and skipping work leads to other people doing what you usually do. If other people can take care of your bullshit when you are there, why do you need to be there? Come to work every single day on time, and you are literally more than halfway there to being UTR.

2. Don’t make mistakes. Mistakes create confusion and scrutiny. Fingers usually end up pointed at the person below you, so if you are at the bottom, which you probably are if you are reading this blog, then you should not fuck up, so nobody is pointing their finger at you.

3. Maintain professional distance from your coworkers. When you become friends with your coworkers, keep in mind that you spend more time with them than with you do your significant other, or roommates. When you bring someone from work into your life, and show them how wasted you get, or how many steroids you do, they are going to automatically take that knowledge with them to the workplace, and it will affect their view of how you do your job. It is most wise to create a firm, though friendly, wall between your job and your real life. Work-related BBQs and the occasional happy hour with the gang are different than becoming homies with DW from sales and doing coke at the bar with him. When you cross that line, it is impossible to come back.

4. Don’t be the go-to guy. The go-to guy, in my experience, always has 2x as much shit to get done as the normal guy. Why be that person? Are you really getting paid that much, or do you just take THAT much pride in your shithole assistant position? It is important to create distance between yourself and the management nexus, which creates and distributes the given workload.

5. Build relationships with people who support similar UTR mindsets. If you are in an office with 1/2 worker bees and 1/2 UTRs, why would you want to be friends with the workers? Fuck them, they are not doing it right. A spiderweb network of UTR assassins creates a safety net of similar-minded people who can back you up when and if necessary.

6. Create a certain aura of mystery around your duties. If nobody knows what you are doing, then how can they talk shit on you? When you look busy, but nobody knows what you are doing, people will usually give you a nice little bubble of privacy, so that you can carry on in your mission to underperform as strongly as possible. In an earlier post, I mentioned frowning. A good frown on your face for more than 50% of the day should be enough to convince people that a) you are busy working and b) whatever you are doing sucks, so nobody else wants to do it.

That’s pretty much it. Come to work, do your job, be friends with people who are also into slacking (but don’t buy weed from the same dealer), and don’t put yourself into a situation where you are the “Golden Boy.” The thing about Golden Boy status is, that it always fades.

I hope my Under The Radar thoughts help you in achieving your goal. If you are reading this blog at work, then it’s a fact that you have at least a little slacker in you. Don’t let the Man take away your slack. That’s a bunch of bullshit.



1 Response to “Under The Radar”

  1. 1 suityourself June 13, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    well well well stoney, a nugget of wisdom from you which i will ponder closely. initial impressions are as follows:

    1. “don’t make mistakes”… careful with this one. keeping with it too closely, will end up with you earning the hated “golden boy status.” i recommend at least one good fuck up a week. keeps ’em on their toes.

    2. what’s the story with “how many steroids you do”? you been juicing? if so, get your money back. you’re still a skinny-ass pussy. 🙂 (i’m serious, dude. those pics prove that you are skinny… too many h-shots to the elbow, prolly)

    3. i’m guilty of your number 4. i think your number 4 needs the following amendment: don’t do shit for at least three months. test the waters before taking on new responsibilities, or you’ll pay with your free time.

    4. excellent suggestions, all, but the best is the frown. i’m putting this into practice as i write these lines, and people are actually leaving to avoid helping me with whatever i’m “working” on. good show old chap.

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