Before I begin, I have reached a new level of slack-dom. I am now getting paid, that’s right people, paid, to do other work while I’m at work already!
Yesterday, I was sitting at work in the afternoon, busting my ass to get the fuck out of here ASAP. I was sweating on my neck, my hands, my legs, and….my balls.
Let me take a step back. I don’t necessarily shower every day. Sometimes, I don’t shower for two days. Yesterday was one of those days, where I was carrying some funk from a couple days before.
This is like a recipe, I’m going to lay out all the flavors and mix them up at the end.
I believe that the nastiest part of the human body is the infamous grundle. Chode, taint, sandbar, call it what you will. Only men have grundles, women have vaginas in that same place, which is an entirely different digression I’m not going to get into. Anyway, the infamous grundle is a hot spot for sweat, bacteria, rubbage, and guess what else? That’s right, the deep nasty funk. If you are a man that has been through puberty, and you have spent all day mowing the grass, playing sports or sitting on a barstool for a couple of hours, then you have created one of the dankest, skankiest smells that can emanate from a human being. Call it musk, call it whatever. I call it, “Grundle Thunder.”
So yesterday I’m at work, literally busting my balls to fucking get out of here. Guess what? The AC got fucked up in my building or something, so I was sweating like a motherfucker. My shirt was all fucked up (dirty, wrinkled, smelly) too, but I was wearing a sweater. I often use sweaters as a cover for my disgusting shirts, or if I’m wearing a short sleeve shirt, to cover up my tattoos. So there I was, hunching over the computer, typing furiously about bullshit that I don’t care about, wiping my sweaty palms on my dirty pants so I could stop thinking about the fact that my fingers were greasy and kept slipping off the keys and mouse when I was typing.
Let me inventory my clothes for you (the recipe):
Sweater– unwashed for a few weeks, bright red, dog hairs on it, etc. My cleanest piece of clothing.
Collared striped shirt– maybe 2 or 3rd wear, I’m not sure. Extremely wrinkled, possible stains, hidden beneath sweater.
Stain-free Dockers, light khaki color– funny how my “stain free” pants have more stains on them than any other shit I own. Should say “Stain saver”. Worn since Friday before (4th day), wrinkled, pushing the envelope on smell factor. The button is gone, so I’m wearing them unbuttoned with a belt.
Hanes boxer-briefs – 2nd day of usage. the light cotton material takes on flimsy and tearable qualities after the first day. Not to mention that this article of clothing had already been through 1 full day of grundle and ball rubbing.
Blue socks– 2nd day of usage, my feet smell real bad, my socks smell worse.
Leather shoes– worn countless times without socks, disgusting and crunchy with sweat and morning dew.
The smell starts with the socks. It creeps up my pants, up to the grundle area. So at this point, moving from down to up, I have sweaty socks, dirty leather smell, and then grundle/dirty underwear smell. The Grundle Thunder is born. I forgot to mention that my deodorant (speed stick) is spotty at best.
So the Grundle Thunder is born, and I’m working. I’m really grossed out at myself by this point as it is, and then this happens: I lean forward real fast, and the cloud of Grundle Thunder moves from between my legs, up my shirt, picks up dirty shirt and B.O. mixture, and then hits me right in the fucking nose. Try it.
Lean back in your chair, then hunch over real fast like you’re looking at a computer. When you do it right, the trapped air in your belly region will shoot up out of the top of your shirt. The sweater is key because of the insulation factor. The air only has one place to go: straight up.
What does my brand of Grundle Thunder smell like? Let me TRY to describe it to you. Rotten cantelopes, old spaghetti and meatballs, moldy bread (yeast essence), rubber, mold, extreme body odor, let me go back and say ALL types of rotten fruit, not just canteloupes.
The shoes and socks are an important, yet often overlooked aspect of the GT….its like the old Jesus parable….how are you going to build a solid foundation for your Grundle Thunder, using clean socks? It just doesn’t work like that. With practice, and consistent dirtiness, I believe that all men can create their own brand of Grundle Thunder, which, by the way, is a powerful aphrodisiac, a scientific fact taken for granted by most tribal nations.
As GOB Bluth would say, “I appreciate your time.”
(Editor Note: Lady T came up with the name Grundle Thunder, not me. I’m a phoney.)