Wash your hands, dirtballs.

Nobody likes getting sick, aside from the token missed day of work/school/jury duty, being sick is no picnic.  People are constantly in search for the miracle cure, or prevention from that yearly flu, or nagging head cold.  I have seen people guzzle vitamin C, swear off red meat, or enlist the services of the local black magic syndicate.  For all these ridiculous methods, I am always amazed to find that most people rarely take the most basic step of disease prevention; washing your hands.

I am not a clean or germ freak by any means, but I think it is an innately basic thing to wash your hands after you use the bathroom.   I see people always neglecting this important step after relieving themselves.  The most vicious cesspools known to man are public restrooms.  These places are just big assembly lines of human waste. 

You think you are clean and hygienic?  Marvelous, but what about Joe Bran-Fiber rushing to the corner stall, or Bobby McDrunk whose alcohol shakes force him to spray piss up to a three urinal radius?  Not to mention the little kids who strut in, insisting they are old enough to, “do it themselves” only to find themselves crying for daddy as they ruin another outfit. 

Personally, I treat public restrooms like I would a soccer match; no hands allowed.  Because, I have no idea what goes on in there before I enter.  Ahem…



doom-restroom.jpg I’m I’m kicking up toilet seats, using my elbows to work the sink spigots, and shouldering the buttons on the automatic hand dryers.  There is no way I am placing my mitts on anything in there when I see countless people leave without washing their hands.  Then suddenly, I become the asshole when I won’t shake your hand just because you look like the type of mouth-breather who doesn’t lather up after fondling your no-no area.  Please, I don’t want to have your testicle sweat all over my hands. 

With our government controlling so many aspects of our lives, I am surprised that we have not seen sweeping legislation mandating proper cleanliness in public restrooms.  Washing hands is not just for doctors, cooks, or any other public servant.  We need to stock these restrooms with bruisers who enforce washing with an iron, well cleaned, fist.  You want the use of a free, public restroom?  You better believe you are going to wash your grimy hands afterward.  


5 Responses to “Wash your hands, dirtballs.”

  1. 1 stoneywageslave May 29, 2007 at 9:52 am

    stoney says: washing your hands is for sissies. be a man, use your hand.

  2. 2 Roughty May 29, 2007 at 10:04 am

    thats cool. what kind of flowers do you want at your funeral you viral cesspool?

  3. 3 gn May 29, 2007 at 7:18 pm

    Ew. Just … ew. It’s true though! I saw a woman who sits ONE cubicle away enter, use and leave the bathroom without washing her hands. I thought maybe she opted for a private stock of hand sanitizer over the disgusting sometimes pea green, sometimes bubble gum pink soap in our bathrooms, but I didn’t see any on her desk.

  4. 4 stoneywageslave May 30, 2007 at 10:11 am

    stoney says: handwashing is for pussies with weak immune systems. sometimes, i will even PRETEND that I’m washing my hands, and just turn the sink on to make the person taking a shit feel better that i’m washing a hand.

    i have even pretended to wash my hands when there was nobody else in the room…isnt that schweet

  5. 5 your a soap and water to bubbble September 28, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    we stop blow bubbble we go for a the abc kid bubble on a floor to in a georgia to new bubbble we saw cirhcl bubble to a blow your bubble to new we a go bubble soap we saw a had to new to wash your hand we saw a go to georgia we saw a go in a bubble to blew we saw a go in a pop the bubble we saw a baby my name is briana we saw a bubble pop.

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