No touching

You can’t trust assholes, but you can always trust assholes to be assholes.  I am a high school graduate of the Fairfax County school system, and I thought I was ashamed of that fact before, yet now I believe it is time to change my identity.  The infinite brilliance of one Fairfax County principal has a new brainchild, and controversy and drama has ensued.  Controversy and drama?  Cue the dramatic chipmunk.

Give that rodent an Oscar.

Here is the new rule, read it and weep.

This new ban on physical contact should not be confused with my favorite penalty in football, “Illegal touching.”  So, we are banning contact in schools now?  Shit, I thought it was bad when hats were outlawed.  I am curious how P.E. is going to work from now on at Kilmer Middle School.  The only activity allowed under this new rule is flashlight tag.  Also, you can just throw Duck, Duck, Goose out the fucking window.

Now these students are going to be reduced to a “Demolition Man” lifestyle.  “Greetings and salutations, Billy”.  Don’t worry Fairfax County residents, one loyal principal has exstinguished the threat of, “187: Murder, Death, Kill.”  Kids will be waving their hands at each other at a pre-determined 3 inches apart.  You can also forget celebratory high-fives.  Then, on Friday nights students will be engaging in “cyber sex” with pleasure helmets, because fluid exchange is so neanderthal and feral.  That’s right, your middle schoolers are getting it on.

Where can we go next you ask?  Well, my sources tell me the beloved county which educated me, is making room in their budget to fund horse blinders for every student.  Because we all know how a well placed scowl, “stink-eye”, or lustuous glance can lead to gang warfare and sinful pre-marital sex. 

No more handshakes at graduation, fuck that, you never know when a graduate will pummel or molest the principal due to slight hand contact.  Parents can now send their kids to school knowing they will be nurtured for a life of hermitism.  And isn’t that all we really want for the children?  They are our future, you know.

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3 Responses to “No touching”


  1. 1 gn June 21, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    That is ridic. Back in my day, there were prostitution rings in middle school. (Not my class — younger kids.)

  2. 2 dankknuggets June 21, 2007 at 7:25 pm

    is there anyway to add this awesomest video yet to be shown so that it cues at the top of the site everytime we come on? short and sweet, the best yet. should have saved that shit for you random weekly feature films.


  1. 1 Roughty’s Random Weekly Video, Week 5: Monkeys are funny. « Stoney Wage Slave Trackback on June 22, 2007 at 12:49 pm

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