MMA set to annihilate Hollywood

And I do mean annihilate.  This movie, “Beyond the Ring” is the stuff studios get wrecking balls taken to them over.  If you love inexplicable slow motion, fake accents, worse fight scenes, and terrible knock-off Korn music, your movie has finally come to fruition.  Oh, and add in a whopping dose of Gary Busey (like there is any other kind of dose of Gary Busey).

WOW!  Consider my face melted.  I had my reservations about joining that MMA class down the street, but now that I know I have the opportunity to make $300,000, save a little girl from a deadly brain tumor, AND bleed my own blood, I will be first in line tomorrow morning to rock that dojo. 

I may not be the fastest, strongest, or most skilled, but Hollywood has taught me all I need is heart.  Heart, and an older black man as my mentor (preferably a blind one, but I will take what I can get).  Oh, and a chiseled jaw, and a girl who is dating the king of the dojo who is taken by surprise for her strange new feelings for the dashingly handsome upstart in the MMA world. 

Before I get ahead of myself though, we do need to list a few of the highly egregious fouls this movie commits.

1.  Tossing in a useless sub-plot to tug at the heartstrings of the .5% of the population who will see this movie.  I mean, seriously.  Come on.  Am I supposed to believe this guy is fighting to raise $300,000 to get rid of her brain tumor.  First of all, if this little girl has no insurance, I am sure her bills have far surpassed that figure by now, and she hasn’t even had the surgery yet.  So, the main motive for your movie is out the fucking window from the get-go, congrats.

2.  Stating in your movie that your, “sport” is the most dangerous, most important, most famous, etc…etc in the world.  This is something inferior movies about inferior activities must include in at least the preview to get people to come watch.  I cannot recall watching a baseball, football, or basketball movie where there is some painful line going out of its way to state the obvious.  We know it is the World Series, Super Bowl, or NBA championship, because we know and care about those sports.

Yet when you get a movie about MMA for example, you must listen to some dumbass line such as, “This is the most dangerous profession in the world”.  Yeah, behind soldier, deep sea diver, police officer, fire fighter, astronaut, blogger, and so on.  Get over yourself MMA.

3.  Making me wish Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, or Gov. Schwarzenegger would make an appearance.  They don’t even need to do much, maybe a roundhouse kick here, a chop to the neck there, or even a terrible one-liner in some phony Austrain accent.  Anything to save me from the abomination this movie became. 

Ugh, it’s too early to get my blood riled up.

Music is not just dead, it has been murdered

Music used to be alive and well, prospering even.  After enjoying decades of progression of sound, style, savagery, the last 7-10 years have been quite a disappointment.  Unfortunately, it has become an evil I have learned to live with.  I have my CD collection (that’s right, fuck IPods) and I am damn proud of it.

Music is not created anymore, all that are created are flash-in-the-pan media sensations the 8-14 year old girl demographic can have blossoming sexual fantasies about.  Oh yeah, and the teenage gyrating girls have the target dempgraphic of 8-65 year old men too.  Basically, those with musical taste are fucked. 

It is no longer about talent, but marketability.  Can you sing and dance?  Marvelous, but if you don’t have a GQ or Victoria’s Secret face, there is no future for you.  Go have some surgery with the assholes on Rodeo Drive, then maybe we can talk.

Whatever happened to giving people like Janis Joplin, Ray Charles, Chuck Berry, etc a chance?  They were all ugly motherfuckers, but who cared?  The ability and passion they showed through their music overshadowed any arbitrary physical negatives.  Their music inspired, and continues to inspire people.  These are timeless artists; those whose melodies and lyrics could transcend generations and still be relevant to your grandchildren.  Let’s see how, “Hit me baby, one more time”, “Dirrrrrrrrrrrrty”, and “Tearin’ up my heart” survive the next 20 years.  Oh wait, you already forgot about those songs and those people?  That’s right, they are all shadows of their former non-talented multi million dollar selves.   

Take a look at the most recent highest selling albums.  I haven’t, but if I have learned anything from TV and USA Today, they are as follows.

1.  High School Musical

2. High School Musical 2

3. High School Musical 3

4. Hannah Montana

5. Solja Boi

Who the fuck are these people?  Useless euthanasia canidates for all I care.

My hatred for contemporary music has been brooding for a long time.  There has not been any new music I have enjoyed in quite some time.  Whatever my disdain is for these Johnny and Jenny come latelies, what I saw today was pre-meditated musical murder.  This, “artist” had to plan, rehearse, and ultimately feel good enough to carry out the act.  According to law, this clearly establishes criminal intent, which is punishable by death.  If America had any balls (which it does not) this person would be put to death.

Who am I talking about?  Fergie, of course.  Viewer discretion is advised, suggested, and encouraged because I doubt you readers can be held accountable for your actions.

Jesus, how off-key do you have to be to get gonged and have a comically oversized hook wrapped around your neck, dragging you off stage in shame.  Apparently, at least 3 octaves.

I’ll give it to Fergie however.  She, or her prop manager (most likely her prop manager) is incredibly clever.  Fashioning a gun on the microphone stand, and having Fergie point and shoot at the audience is a brilliant allegory for the vocal assault upon the audiences’ ears.  Furthermore, if it wasn’t bad enough to have Fergie perform at whatever Bizzaro World venue this was, the promoters had that drunken retarded dwarf Danny DeVito introduce her. 

I can just imagine the pre-concert meeting with all the executives.

“Hey, you know what would make this show great?  If we cash in on the waning popularity of a dancer with no singing talent from an Uncle Tom rap group.”

*yeahs can be heard all around as all the yes men jiggle their turkey necks*

“Snap!  You know what would be better?  Let’s have her bastardize an incredible Paul McCartney song with her cottage cheese thighs laboriously tucked into leather pants gyrating around a stage full of pyrotechnics and over-the-hill backup dancers.”

“Oh yeah, and let’s get Danny DeVito to sing her praises and introduce her.”

“Secretary, draft two blank checks for these untalented non savage assholes.” 

Have you ever noticed? Part 2

In keeping with a query I started almost two months ago, I have found another startling resemblance between a famous pro athlete and a Disney Pixar creation.  Coincidence?  Look at the photo; obviously not.

Tony Romo and Woody from, “Toy Story” are eerily alike.  Furthermore, both have been tasked to lead a grab-asstic motley crew of toy characters.

AUTHOR UPDATE:  My recent haitus, which has troubled Stoney so deeply, has been a combination of laziness, school, and technical difficulties.  My computer (which had been running on whiskey and potato shavings since January) shit the bed for about a month and a half.  Yet, your humble author gave it a good cleaning, and ass kicking, and now it has been working with renewed vigor.  

Lesson 1, surrogate Stonies: you must teach your objects a lesson when they act up, or they will walk all over you and your family. 

I hope to be back in the swing of spreading my mental viruses to a small population of the internet.  I am sure Stoney will be happy to have my presence again, because we all know, 1 is the lonliest number that you’ll ever do.  See you assholes later.

World’s luckiest man?

I’m still nursing this busted ankle, and my friends have been kind enough to bring me food and beer this week to keep me alive.  I have delved deep into Dank status, having not left my apartment since Sunday afternoon.  I am hoping to get mobile soon, but it is not looking good for the near future. 

Well, being laid up like this I have had some time to cruise around the intenet, and as usual have not found anything of use.  Only (as Stoney puts it), “gay bullshit” that I will share to you readers.  I found this article today about a guy who can be considered either the world’s luckiest man, or the unluckiest.  Tomato, tomahto.  In a day where we are giving you readers a few things to decide on, I will shovel another pick toward you.

Lucky?…unlucky?

Whether you consider him lucky or unlucky, this man is a savage.

I think the moral of the story here is, Croatian modes of tranportation are about as useful as a sack full of squished up assholes.

Have you ever noticed?

Jorge Posada and the sloth from, “Ice Age”; separated at birth?  You decide.

Easing back in

Greetings from the newest 24 year old on the SWS block.  The birthday celebration was a memorable one – memorable because I did not spend the night in jail.

Friday night involved an unnatural amount of Jameson whisky, seeing a former Y2S member, then somehow making it across town to my friend’s house.  Promplty upon rising on my birthday morning, the gang went to our usual weekend breakfast spot, Bamboo, to get “Bamboozled”.  Getting, “Bamboozled” is a time honored tradition, seeing as Bamboo serves cheap, extremely stiff drinks.  My birthday breakfast consisted of a 3 egg omelette, 2 shots of whisky, and 2 gin & tonics.  It tastes just like it sounds – delicious!

Over breakfast however, an impromptu trip to Charlottesville was discussed for a friend’s party.  I didn’t have shit to do the next day, nor did any of my other degenerate friends, so off to Charlottesville we went.  Long story short, drunkeness ensued.  After a couple cold ones, I managed to get myself pushed down a hill, where I promptly twisted my leg in an unnatural manner.  I got up only to buckle under my newly weakened leg.  It was my surgery ankle, and fuck, I knew it would be a balloon in the morning.  Yet, it was my birthday, I had plenty of alcohol in my system, and coming, to stave off pain until morning.  I gave myself the green light to resume drunkeness.

Pain did come my friends, and now I have to take the week off of work because I cannot walk around.  Oh well, I could use a break after my weekend.

My main girls help me celebrate with whisky and beer abound.

A FEW EXTRA NOTES

Since I have been on sabbatical, I will update you readers on a few things.

Savage mascot located.

Puck, our faithful mascot has been located.  My former roommate absconded to God knows where almost one year ago with his Russian wife, and with my cat Puck.  I found out where they are the other day, and now our savage mascot will be returned to his rightful owner.  See also: death to all birds in a 2 block radius of my apartment.

New sidekick hired by Irish ninja.

Every superhero needs a sidekick who unconditionally holds him in high esteem, fights without question, and can be bossed around.  These are just the qualities I was looking for when I placed an ad for a new sidekick.  You didn’t get the ad?  You are obviously not tight with the ninja and surrounding communities.  Here was the winning reply…he got extra points for a video entry.

That’s right, bears CAN use computers.  At least any bear I will let faithfully stand by my side.  Oh yeah, and Excel spreadsheet competancy is a must.

This bear did narrowly defeat the most fearsome predator, and probably the best choice for sidekick of all-time; T-Rex brandishing sub-machine guns.  Unfortunately, I had to dock the T-Rex for being extinct.  However, once Jesus brings the T-Rex back, I will hold a battle between the bear with Donatello-like skills, and the gun brandishing dinosaur.  It will happen…

It’s good to be back, sort of.  By the way, just in passing…Giants are 4-2.  Eat that knuckle-draggers.

Halo 3, Tokyo Game Show, and my wishes

Today was a big day in the gaming world.  As the enormous, all-encompassing Tokyo Game Show is raging on, Halo 3 was unleashed upon the population.  See also: massive online complications with Xbox Live. 

By all accounts Halo 3 is what has been expected.  An unbeatable multiplayer experience with a good (not great) campaign mode.  However, the adequate campaign mode will get a pass from most gamers, seeing as most people will be playing the newest installment of Halo with friends, online or off.  See also: massive alcohol consumption, shit talking, and plummeting grades.

 

Nothing can stand up to me, Master Chief.  Not your mom, girlfriend, social life, or grades.

I have recently become the proud owner of an Xbox 360, yet I did not pre-order a copy of Halo 3.  It looks like I will have to wait a couple of weeks before I enter the fray, however I am not worried.  I am currently engrossed in Bioshock, and I do not need some other nonsense to take up the minimal free time I have left.  See also: me being absent from this shitstem.

Yet, with all the hype surrounding the release of Halo 3, I did not feel the itch to quickly grab myself a copy.  Everytime I went into the GameStop around the corner to look for a Wii, purchase, or trade in some games, I was constantly assaulted by the sales associates about pre-ordering myself a copy.  These motherfuckers can really put a guilt trip on you, especially when you tire of their bullshit and tell them you are not insanely excited about Halo 3’s release.  From the looks I was receiving from people in the store that day, I thought I was going to be excommunicated from the Church of Microsoft.

Welcome to GameStop.  How can we obliterate your bank account today?

Despite the looks I receive from most gamers, I really was not excited about Halo 3’s release.  I will buy the game, and I am positive I will enjoy myself immensely, yet I did not feel I needed to have it right away.  There are two games for the 360 however, that I will be going apeshit over, and will be purchasing the day they are released.

ASSASSIN’S CREED

This game will be released this Novemeber, and it is being made by UbiSoft, the geniuses who brought my beloved Prince of Persia into the modern gaming age.  From initial accounts, Assassin’s Creed takes a lot of platforming (e.g. puzzle solving, wall climbing, environmental traversing) aspects from Prince of Persia and makes them better and more fluid.  If you have never played Prince of Persia, that is no easy feat.

Futhermore, this game is set during the Crusades in Jerusalem; an often overlooked time period in gaming.  According to UbiSoft, the combat system features over 14,000 different animations in which you can maneuver your character.  Not too much is known about the story, but I am extremely excited to get a hold of this game, and see what the minds at UbiSoft have created for a Crusades style assassin game.

NINJA GAIDEN II

If you have not played Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox, shame on you.  Shame, shame.  I got the first Ninja Gaiden the day it came out in 2004, and I still cannot put it down.  I have beaten a bunch of times, and have even bought the re-release which threw faster, more challenging enemies at Ryu Hayabusa.  There is not much more I can say about this game other than it is easily my favorite game in the last 15 years.

Naturally, with this kind of admiration for the first, I am eagerly awaiting the sequel.  Today I have seen the first video of gameplay from the Tokyo Game Show, and….WOW.  WOW.  The gameplay is fluid and beautiful as ever, and while I thought the graphics of the first already looked like the they were being churned out by the 360, I was amazed to see the strides made with this sequel.  And oh yes, it is much more grusome than the maddeningly grusome first, next generation installment.

For those loyal readers, you will remember many times on this blog I refer to my ninja alter ego, ninja powers, or ninja activities; Ninja Gaiden is the inspiration for all that nonsense.  The other Stonies used to bust my balls about my love for Ninja Gaiden, however Stoney has recently become hooked on this game while in LA.  If he ever gets enough wiggle room in his weed budget and buys a 360, I am sure this will be the only game he will buy.

Behold, the greatest game that will ever be on the 360.  That’s right, fuck off Halo 3. 

It is a bit long at 9 minutes, but I assure you, once Ryu starts dismembering and eviscerating, you will hardly notice the time going by.

If you own an Xbox 360 by the time this game is released next year, PICK IT UP.  It is a challenging (really challenging), fast, fun game in an era when these games are becoming rarer.  Oh sorry Dank, I know you wouldn’t mind buying about the millionth World War II game to be released.

1 monkey, 5 bulldogs. What else do you need?

Yes, this will be a Japanese themed day for me.  But how can you blame me?  As much as we vaunt our television, Japan has demolished us with much more interesting programming than our Harvard and Yale grads can ever muster.  Case and point:  A young chimp walking bulldogs. 

F U C K I N G  B R I L L I A N T

Okay, you can ignore the fact that at the beginning of the video the chimp leads all the bulldogs into a ditch (hilarious), but how the chimp wrangles the dogs through the rest of the video is priceless.  This is one smart monkey.  You know there were some Japanese scientists working on training this chimp, which automatically makes Japanese scientists far superior than ours.  Enjoy.  (count this as your weekly video, bitches.  Yes, it is long, but worth the whole watch)

With chimps like that around, they will take over the world soon.  It’s a fact.  This little guy is a lot smarter than a lot of people I know, ahem…  AND he wears overalls. 

Got milk?

Mmmmm, milk.  It’s delicious.  I used to think everyone drank milk at the rate me and my family did, however it turns out a lot of people either do not like it, or cannot handle it.  Both these groups of people are non-savages.  Milk is delicious bovine nectar, here to quench my thirst, kill my hangovers, and ease my mind.

We all remember the, “Got Milk?” ads, and all the puns that were made on them in the mid-90s.  Yeah, they might have been stupid, but the message was real.  If your bow-legged ass had drank some whole milk between the ages of 3-5, maybe you would be a couple inches taller and be able to reach the steering wheel.  Its true, milk does a body good…

There are kids who claim they don’t care about anything, and only their music, or their poetry can cure their ills.  WRONG!  Fucking retards.  These are the kids who mommy and daddy have to drag to the dentist every other day because junior wont brush his teeth.  Or little Jimmy has to go to the dermatologist again because he won’t shampoo his hair and the psoriasis is starting to bother other children.  If parents start these kids lives with proper milk consumption…

…they can be saved from turning into this…

Milk really can cure all of society’s ills, just give it a chance.  Fuck peace Lennon, it got its chance.

However, it seems like Japan needs a crash course in milk, quick.  Japanese arcades have recalled arm wrestling games. 

 

Do you have what it takes to not shatter your arm?  Only 5,000 yen per play!

How weak do you have to be to break your own arm against an arcade game?  Isn’t this the country that spawned martial arts?  You’re slipping Japan.  Send in the reinforcements…

Bring on the milk!  That’s a full gallon!

This arcade game style punishment reminds me of my last trip to a video arcade; the site of the, “unpleasantness”.  I was wrecking, “Time Cop” and may have gotten a little carried away when the helicopter bombed my ass.  “Honestly officer, the next thing I remember is seeing red, waking up with police tape all around me, and Chuck E. Cheese lying in a pool of his own blood.”  I was lucky to get off, because if I have learned anything from Law & Order, it’s that insanity defenses rarely work, Jack “Attack” McCoy is surprisingly dapper in a real life courtroom, oh and bringing fake ballistics reports to the interrogation will get even the most hardened criminal to fold.  

I really hope they do not keep these games out of Japanese arcades for long.   The Japanese have already taken down Godzilla, yet how are their kids supposed to train for a Sylvester Stallone rampage?  See how you like it Japan, when Sly rolls in on his big rig, and snaps everyones arms because they don’t drink milk, and this game was taken out of circulation.  Trust me, it will happen.  Will you be prepared?

 

Alert, Stonies!

Let’s just get this out in the open, because I know I will have to endure an avalanche of bullshit from these assholes here at SWS. The youngest Roughton is turning 18 in a matter of days. Stoney, I know this day has been marked on your calendar since 2001. It’s okay, my sisters and I have too much class for the likes of you jokers. Oh hey, what’s Suit’s sister’s number again?

Genetically enhanced humans you say Stoney? Don’t ever forget it.

Author’s Note: Tonight is the long awaited roller disco party. My friend has rented out a skating rink in the Richmond ghetto, and she has made sure ridiculousness and debauchery will be rampant. I will be inebriated for the next 36-48 hours, so enjoy your weekend readers.