Archive for the 'treachery' Category



Infinite bitching, at the 25th hour

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up and the overwhelming feeling of a shitty day is upon you?  Of course you have, you’re human.  Well actually, 89% of our readers are human.  I had one of those mornings, just pissed off from minute one.  All the guests at work were assholes and the urge to go ape shit and call them out on their stupidity was overpowering.  But, if I did that, I would have gotten fired.  Then I wouldn’t be laying around with stacks of cash and women licking my toes.  So I surpressed the urge.

However, now that I have returned home, I believe I will vent with an Edward Norton style, “fuck you” rant that he did in, “25th Hour”.

Fuck whoever used my Jeep as their personal McDonalds dumpster.  After already waking up pissed off, this did not help my day by finding McDonalds garbage in my front seat coupled with the overwhelming stench of Egg McMuffin.

Fuck fitted sheets.  I washed my sheets yesterday, and then rage hit when I had to put them back on my bed.  If you own fitted sheets you know what I speak of.  These tease you by allowing you to get three corner on, and while trying to fit the fourth, one corner undoubtedly pops loose.  Have you ever been locked in that tug-o-war for an hour?

Fuck West Virginia.  How dare they steal a classic Toots & the Maytals song, “Take Me Home, Country Road” and use it to try and lure people to their ass backwards state.  Only, “Sublime” is allowed to cover, “Toots & the Maytals” songs.  West Virginia is the second worst state we have, Mississippi being the worst.  Mississippi is in a class on its own.  The last time I was in West Virginia, the second I crossed the border from Virginia, my olfactories were assaulted by an unnatural stench.  That stench my friends, is non savagery.

Fuck Santa Claus for not bringing me a Nintendo Wii last year.

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Fuck beer for being so god damn delicious.

For that matter, fuck people who say GD as a euphemism for god damn.  We all know what you mean assholes, it is blasphemy all the same.  You are going to Hell just like the rest of us.

Fuck jeans that are sold pre-torn.  If you want jeans that look like they have just survived a nuclear holocaust, that’s what thrift stores are for.  Not to mention they are much cheaper.  If you live a rugged life, as I do, your jeans will get ripped up through your acts of savagery.

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I can’t believe I had to go to the Abercrombie and Fitch website to find this garbage.  $398 for these jeans, are you fucking kidding me?  I would rather you use that money to invest in a lifetime supply of my homemade knuckle sandwiches. 

Fuck whoever reached our site by searching for, “bond, george dubya, bond.”  We have some weird, interesting, and sometimes downright scary searches coming into our site.  Yet, whoever typed this one needs to taste the back of my hand.

Fuck people who TyPe LiKe ThIs.  Even lobotomy patients on morphine, with crippling arthritis can type more coherently.  It’s not cute, all it does is force me to send you a virus. 

Fuck hair gel.  Yeah, we all went through a hair gel phase, when we were 5.  I don’t understand this “fashion statement” of making your hair look like you just stuck a fork in the toaster.  Girls like to run their fingers through your hair assholes, they don’t want to get their eyes poked out by your spikes.  If you use hair gel, I hate to break it to you…

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Fuck shaving everyday.  Sometimes I wish I could be like Stoney, only needing to shave once a month.  However, the 5 o’clock shadow is quite savage.  It is like your body’s internal mechanism telling you when it’s time for Happy Hour.  Fuck shaving, grow a beard, be a man.

Fuck Madden 07 for having my created character blow his ACL.  My xbox had a near miss from Hurricane Roughty last night after my guy went down.  I was a shoe-in for my unprecedented 5th straight MVP, until some non savage chopped me down at the knees.  It’s OK though, my character punched a hole in the guy’s helmet, drop kicked each ref, and took a dump on the 50 yard line as he left the field under his own power.

Fuck any mascot not named, “Mr. Met”.  All you other mascots can do your tired speils, but nobody is as hard-ass as this whiskey guzzler.

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This guy just screams, “What?  You wanna step?”  You can walk over, but you’ll be limping back.

Fuck all haters and nay-sayers.  Don’t be mad, it’s not our fault our site is infinitely excellent.  I just have one offer for you…

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Fuck all other StoneyWageSlave members for not being as savage as I.  We all know it’s true, let’s just get it out in the open.

Most of all fuck you.

A Thievery: The Most Treacherous Roll Call

Hello, all. I stole this idea from Roughty. That’s right, you worthless Irish drunk, I stole your idea, and even used some of your examples…busted!

The Most Treacherous Roll Call represents the most-badass film and cartoon villains my stoned brain could think up, and research, while at work. I broke it down into two basic categories…cartoon and live-action.

Beebop and Rocksteady

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Who doesn’t remember these clowns? Fucking Beebop and Rocksteady, the pig with piercings and the rhinoceros. To be honest, I don’t really remember the cartoon versions, but I do remember them from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze. “Num nums….num nums….” Shredder gets zero badass points for wearing a lawnmowing blades as a helmet, and being an overall bitchboy. Beepop and Rocksteady, salut!

Dr. Claw

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You don’t fuck with Dr. Claw unless your name is Inspector Gadget. Why the fuck would you? He’s got a fat retarded cat, and a big claw that he uses to drive around his space ship in. Too bad, he never can seal the deal and just have gay robot sex with Inspector Gadget, that would have been a nice pair.

Frank, the treacherous savage from Blue Velvet

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Oh Shit! Frank will fucking beat the shit out of you, kick you in the nuts, cut your ear off, let his buddies punch you in the face, sing Roy Orbinson songs to you, inhale a shitload of nitrous, make you sing weird songs, and then, fucking blow your face off, pop a pill and laugh about it with his boy. Frank is hands down one of the most treacherous assholes to ever walk the earth, the shit is NUTS.

Lone-Wolf, or Assassin with Son, or Shogun Assassin

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You get the lowdown on this badass from his orphan son, Tiguro. Tiguro’s mom gets her ass cut in half, so Lone-wolf lays it down real simple for his son, the future maniac assassin killer. Lone-wolf puts Tiguro on the floor, and then puts a bright bouncy ball in front of him on one side, and a sword on the other. Then he tells Tiguro, who is about 1 1/2 years old, that if he chooses the ball, he gets to die and see his mom, and if he chooses the sword, he gets to go on the road with lone-wolf, and fuck up some ninjas. Tiguro obviously chooses the sword, which he picks up and starts killing ninjas immediately with. Lone-Wolf is a savage, and he’s kind of a good guy. His nasty streak runs too deep, though, for him to be a “real” good guy. We’ll let Ben Affleck take those parts.

Honorable Mention for Most Treacherous.

Rory Breaker, from Lock, Stock…

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“If the milk turns sour, I ain’t the kind of pussy to drink it.”

He’s my weed-smoking candidate from this list too, because he’s got the sick chronizzles, slapdap dippidy.