Archive for the 'Fuckoff' Category



Welcome to Hell

New neighbor alert…

Attention, all, my new neighbor Carl is a fucking waster. Talk about getting wasted, this guy has no problem with it, follow it up with some Pacific Ocean boogie-board action, what else do you want?

Carl turned 28 on Sunday. What the fuck am I going to be doing when I’m 28? No goddamn telling. Hopefully, I will be rich and famous off of this blog, and I will be supporting my lifestyle through Google Adwords and stuff like that.

I have nothing to say. The Mets, The Braves…who really gives a shit. Everybody knows who the best baseball team in the history of the game is….kazing!

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And, mid-post, we have another huge update. I just bought the domain StoneyWageSlave.com, so there is no longer a wordpress.com bullshitstem necessary.

That’s what I call Professional Journalism, bitches. Please, no longer refer to this site as a “blog.” It is now a full-fledged “website,” and we will no longer be hindered by the censorship and shitty interface associated with wordpress. Pfft, jokers.

We have gone professional.

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In other grand news, my boy Pete Doherty got arrested again this weekend. Fucking moron. What an idiot. I used to wear my Pete Doherty patch on my sleeve, but his flagrant disrespect for common drug laws are going to end up 1. killing him or 2. putting him in jail for so long that he loses his game (which is to say that he hasn’t lost it already).

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I feel sad about Pete, because I like him so much. All hipsters owe him about 49% of their souls, the other 51% going directly to the church of the Strokes. I don’t feel sad “for” Pete, though…, just about him. I feel sorry for his Mom, mostly. She wrote a book about what it’s like to have a son who throws his life and talent away on drugs, never read it though. I imagine it’s pretty whiney.

Anyway, I’ve given up on him kind of. I loved the Libertines. I loved the Babyshambles…Down in Albion was fucking ridiculous, but his new EP….sucks. There’s only 1 good song out of 5, the other 4 sound like tired bags of shit. Worst.

That’s it for now, folks. Thanks for showing up, I guess. Fuck off if you want to.

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I’m useless.

Unfortunately, we have changed roommates at my apartment.  There was some bad situations, and long story short, our internet connection is fucked.  Knowing Comcast, our connection will be in the shitter for about 3 weeks.  I am currently pirating some knuckle-dragger’s network, and will be doing so sporadically until we get our shit together. 

Unfortunately, Tom Glavine was not able to achieve his 300th win last night.  It would have been perfect, I had a post all ready about how Tom Glavine won his 300th game the same day “300” came out on DVD.  But alas, the fucking Brewers destroyed my literary license and my dreams.

I must keep this short, because whoever I am stealing internet from does not have his shit together, and this connection is precarious at best.  However, I saw something quite hilarious at work the other day.  While seating a guest in my section, I caught a glimpse of the power point presentation on his computer.  The title was an intant classic, “HOW TO SELL CIGARETTES TO NATIVE AMERICANS“.  Hilarious; the new peace pipe.

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Apparently I don’t need to keep up with this bullshit everyday for us to kick ass.  Stoney is in the Keys, and I am useless, and StoneyWageSlave is still smiting all the mongoloids on the internet.  The Mets are on EPSN tonight, which means I must acquire beer.  Yes, beer and some potatoes.

Celebrities Scientology Monday Fuck-Off

It’s fucking Monday, and that sucks. The birthday weekend was a success.

Driving down Hollywood Blvd on Saturday afternoon, it really struck me how much Scientology is picking up. I used to live right next to the Scientology college, or whatever, so I was used to it, but when I came in for a visit, I just couldn’t believe how many huge buildings said “Scientology” on the side, or there was some L. Ron Hubbard bullshit running around. I bought Dianetics about a year ago, and read most of it.

One of the main points about Scientology is you can’t get fucked up. No drinking, smoking or doing drugs at all. You have to be totally there upstairs to get “clear”….you know what else you need to jump into “clear?” About a million bucks. Some of the later auditing sessions cost up to 1k an hour, so it’s quite expensive.

Anyway, pros and cons aside, South Park did the funniest Scientology spoof when Tom Cruise and R. Kelly wouldn’t come out of the closet, and then flashed “THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS REALLY BELIEVE” when they talked about the aliens, and the tortured souls, and the whole Scientology part.

Scientology Roll Call

Danny Masterson

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Beck

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Sonny Bono (bonus points for governmental infiltration)

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Jason Lee (seen at the Sonic Youth show Friday…extra Celebrity Alien bonus)

***Major Edit, Wikipedia entry: “He and his fiancée Beth Riesgraf have a son named Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee (b. September 28, 2003).

PILOT INSPEKTOR RIESGRAF LEE

PILOT INSPEKTOR RIESGRAF LEE

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I think that the Scientologist Celebrities list is much, much less important than the “on the fringe” Scientologist list.

Who is running the new Hollywood media blitz race?

Posh and Becks

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Who is best boys with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

Fresh Prince and his dyke ass wife Jada Pinkett

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Scientology PowerHouse Picture of the Week

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Venice Beach: The Freakshow

As i have visited californ-i-a twice now and long to join me fellow scallywags in their pirate adventures in la la land, i feel a tribute to their base is in order.  well, i have been to many parts of the city including the four parts jp has seen in his two years there. 

dodger stadium is sweet, but roasts in the desert mountains.  roughty, make sure you bring your spf 75 and slob it on with every pitching change, which will most likely be every inning as both clubs will sorely mistaken their inadequate rotations and bullpens with fatigue, weather, or some other ludicrous excuse. 

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East L.A. and the DR:

Sweet as well.  I feel suit will find a home in the drawing room and the relative diversity in relation to the rest of la in the former paradise that stoney called home.  you must absolutely show the former kingdom in all its glory and cold showers.  this was the first place i found in my visits to la with true, unsuperficial culture.  remember my 4:00 am walkabout in search of a sip of any liquid in my half drunken, half hungover stupor as stoney had neither drink nor refrigeration.  i walked at least 7 blocks to be dissapointed by powered down vending machines that i had to beg the grocery store owner to turn on to get an orange soda that t and i shared (what up, t) .  on my ramble i encountered at least two hookers with one clearly disguising a dick.  my day consisted of walking around east la and eating gut bombs for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  i was happy to escape my previous experiences of yuppiness disguised in kewlness. 

hollywierd:

weird and extemely superficial with a bunch of douches disguised as hipsters and guns and roses impersonators. 

venice:

i was accurately described by lady t the wonderous freak show that is venice beach.  of course we were all fucked up and noided out, so we sat at the public bathroom and gazed out upon the circus.  there was definitely a small degree of reality here in their rejection of superficiality, but their conscious objection seemed superficial in itself.  of course i am superficial as hell, especially then and enjoyed pretending to be normal for a minute, despite my schizoid drug induced psychotic personality disorder’s ‘outside looking in’ perspective.  there is culture there that is not completely obsessed with the image driven falsity of the rest of la. 

the rest of la:

gay and expensive, but worth seeing for the experience

stoney’s debaucherous court of self-destruction:

 one of a kind as always and enjoyable beyond any measure.   

a lonely wish:

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where’s waldo? hint, short bags that were still a deal

The Guillotine? Please, Biatch

I’ve got one hand to type with, so it won;t be much.  My one hand however will blow your proverbial loads with the profundity of my blogging wizardry.  just returned from afar and am currently ‘sojourning in society’ (name that author) to the desperate delight of all you unsavage settled society sinners.  in this jingle jangle morning without a tambourine i am inspired to waste more space on the blog.  in my absence and natural objective disconnection combined with a previous feeling i must say we have all become lazy.  we have relied on pictures to glitter our stories with extra sensory excitement.  with that said, here’s some of that…

For all of us Americans.  Yippee kay yay motherfuckers.  oh yeah, james marshall served in the 101st till he broke his leg on a jump.  Currahee! i know i celebrated in true american fashion on white man don’t pay your taxes day–i blew shit up.

p.s.  i’m just going to start Dankknuggets’s weekly music video.  it will however be more like whenever i get to it and i’ll prolly get tired after like three.  oh, zack kim is retroactively part of this mini series, so i guess there’s one left.  well, here goes…

p.s.s. just cause i’ve been out of contact for awhile– roughty, you’re a bitch.  and who the hell is gn?  and once again, roughty, you’re a bitch. 

 check below too, related but not the same.

politics, religion, et cetera… . .. . … .. …. .. …. .. . .

(those periods are for you, stonesylvania.) 

i have been delinquent lately and didn’t know about either of stoney’s  guys’ debauchery.  i wish i had, but politics is boring — even when it deals with blowww and hookers.  i won’t vote for this guy any more now than i would have before i knew about the drugs and sex.  until i meet a politician who will look you in the eye and say he’s never made a mistake and he never plans to make one,  i’ll be fairly convinced i could do a better job governing myself than any of them could.  i mean, jiuliani (or “orange” [in honor of his boy’s huge nose candy purchase] julius as i will call him from this day forward) doesn’t even know me.  how the shit is he supposed to know what decisions are in my best interest?  in the old days, way on back in the days of grunting, beards and hunter/gatherers, people would form a society to protect themselves from other societies (not to mention the ravenous sabre-tooth tigers, mastadons, etc.).  i’m sure at the beginning of society, some guy was laying out, chilling in the cut, maybe reading a playboy and minding his own bidness, and the tribe leader said to him, “glork, you better get that firewood.  the rest of us are counting on your lazy ass.”  and glork was thinking, “damn, it was so much better when i could do whatever the hell i wanted to do without all these dicks bossing me all the time.”  but you know what glork did?  he collected the wood.  because he needed the protection that could only be afforded by the society.  nowadays, people don’t think like that, in my opinion.  nowadays, people simply accept the fact that they were born into a society, and so that must be the best place for them to be.  i stand that this is simply no longer the case.  man has tamed the shit out of nature.  we don’t have anything to worry about except snake bites and the occasional shark attack.  furthermore, no human cares enough about me to attack me.  what the shit would they even do that for?  waste of a bullet.  i won’t attack them either.  i can grow shit in my back yard and eat dogs and cats and squirrels and shit if it really comes right down to it.  no reason for me to mess with anyone.  my point?  glad you asked.  society is no longer the same shizzazzle it was back in the day.  individuals don’t really need to protection of a huge gov’t.  besides, when people did need such protection — take hurricane katrina, for instance — where the fuck was our great society?  thumb up the ass, watching the weather channel and drinking beer, wondering where the hell they’d move mardi gras to… and that was george w.  that proves (for me anyways) that society can no longer perform its primary function — protection of its members.  that’s the main reason why i haven’t, don’t and won’t vote.  you be asking yourself, “well then suit, why don’t you just LEAVE and do your own thing if you don’t like the american way?”  well, this is a good point.  i wonder this about myself sometimes, too.  i think it comes down to this.  i gotta get mine.  if i left right now, i’d be broke before i got to a place where i could really do my own thing for real.  you gotta have money to make a real move.  hence, the master plan — participate in society to as minimal a degree as is practicable until i save up some real green.  then, peace out.  merc on to someplace where i can do my own thing without worrying about what anybody says.  part of this minimal participation is making it a priority to not vote.  voting would lock me in.  i would start to follow this shitstem and never be able to break out. 

(ps — when you register to vote, you also have to fill out a draft card.  i knew this was a shitty idea when i was in high school, and so i didn’t fill out the shit.  therefore, i am registered for neither voting nor slaughtering brown people.) ((pps — the gov’t teacher in 12th grade tried to fail me for for not filling out the form, but i aced all her tests, so she didn’t have a leg to stand on.))

as far as breeding terrorism, i’m either too stupid or too smart to question the fact that all politicians have spin doctors (and i don’t mean the “2 princes” spin doctors).  to reference a simile i made earlier, discussing politics is like going all in on a blind hand of poker.  doesn’t make any sense because you know neither what you have nor what your opponents have in their hands.  all i know is this:  the golden rule is faulty.  “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  if we hurt the arabs, then we deserve to get sliced a bit, right?  it’s the golden rule, after all.  if arabs did bad things to us, they deserve to get bombed, too, right?  it is in the golden rule.  but then what?  people all know the golden rule, yet bad stuff keeps happening.  if people keep “doing unto others” based on what has been “done unto [them]”, we’ll all be fucking DEAD!  this is not what i consider a good time.  the golden rule doesn’t work.  it just breeds recursive murder wars.  neither the victor nor the loser is ever happy.  everyone’s still got a bone to pick, and the killing continues.  here’s what i propose.  throw out the golden rule.  adopt another rule.  how about the one jesus came up with?  how about “turn the other cheek”? how about “love thine enemy”?  i mean, america is a judeo-christian nation, right?  it says so right on the money.  that means we all believe in heaven, right?  that means that what we do down here makes no difference in the big picture, right?  sure.  because heaven is eternal, but life on earth is “but a blink of the eye.”  that means, if some asshole wants to shoot us, who cares?  they’ll go to hell, and we’ll be laughing our balls off, playing hop-scotch with john lennon in heaven.  fuck this killing.  for real.  i am over it all for real.  a guy from my high school just got killed.  i was a total ass to him (roids, teenage hormones, popularity… you know), and now i will never be able apologize or slap him a high five and come back on the flip side.  it’s fucked up for real.  and the worst part — he thought he was doing right by his country!  sad sad scene.

so, any of you who have made it through this post are all stupider for having read it.  i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your souls. 

now, go slaughter some people whose skin is darker than your own!!  before they do it to you first.

and don’t forget to vote.  in fact, vote three times.  keep on voting and voting until you cast a fat, brown ballot in your pants.

Fucking weekends

Fuck weekends.  Mostly because I don’t have weekends like you 9-5ers.  Apparently people still need to eat on the weekends, so I have to work.  However there can be a bright spot, such as today.  All day today, a downtown pub has free pool and $4 pitchers of all beer.  I’m sold.  “I spend my cash and time with grass and wine.” 

If anyone can tell me what song that lyric is from, I will be quite impressed.

I will be back tomorrow, for now, it is time to spread some Irish ruggedness.

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And some Irish charm.

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Richmond doesn’t even know what’s going to hit it.

P.S. That last picture is in response to your request Suit.