Archive for the 'domestication' Category



Huggies Cool Alerts promote cool heads

I was sitting in my room this evening gearing up for another heated contest between the Mets and Braves (which the Mets unfortunately lost, yes Suit, I will admit defeat at times) when the first round of commercials hit.  Naturally, my bullshit detector was primed to be assaulted.  And rightfully so, because by the third commercial I was introduced to the newest innovation from Huggies; Pull-Ups Cool Alert diapers.  For those unlucky readers who missed this life changing promotion for child rearing, here are some of the specs for these new diapers.

That’s right, you did not read that wrong, the diapers give a cooling sensation when your child wets his or her pants.  This breakthrough in diaper technology actually alerts your toddler when his or her pants have been pissed.  Brilliant!  Unfortunately we are still a few years away from the diapers that can give a preemptive alert, but we will just have to cope for the time being.   

I don’t know about you, but as a frequent pants pisser, I don’t need to rely on a cooling sensation to know when I have just ruined another first date, business acquisition, or family dinner.  I was not aware that it was that hard to tell if you had sprung a sudden leak, that this diaper technology was so imminently imperative.  Let me tell you parents, if your child is having trouble discerning whether his or her pants have been leaked upon, your kid has bigger problems than smelling like a urinal. 

Additionally, Huggies contends that this cooling sensation will be so uncomfortable for your child, further reinforcing the need for expedient potty training.  I suppose the warming sensation of urine in their drawers was not enough to shock them into learning how to function like an adult.  Not to mention the embarrassment of having a huge wet spot covering their nether regions. 

I commend Huggies for also listing on their website certain triggers to alert parents as to when their child has just shamed the family.  These include: 

Walking funny after wetting

Stopping activity and stand(ing) still

Making a funny face

Pulling on pant(s) more than usual

Asking to be changed more frequently or to use the potty 

If you noticed the parentheses, I took the liberty of making some grammatical changes from the Huggies website.  Apparently, Huggies is so invested in child development, that they have their target consumers write for them. 

I love these alerts to parents.  Not everyone can be fathers of the year, so it is necessary to let these delinquent parents know how their children act once they have wet themselves.  I especially like, “making a funny face” because come on, when do children NOT make a funny face.  I also like the visual image of kids goose-stepping after they wet their pants.  We all know that diapers severely inhibit a child’s capability for normal bipedal motion.  Basically, Huggies is telling us that children always have urine soaked pants, thus making their product extremely necessary.  Now that’s smart business! 

I do have a concern about these new diapers though.  What are children who reside in cooler climates supposed to do when winter rolls around?  Huggies is setting up children, especially male children, for severely frozen genitalia.  I can see the news reports and recalls now.  “Huggies puts a freeze on Cool Alert sales after toddlers testicles freeze to diaper.”  This just seems cruel.  Your kids may not be able to reproduce after the tender age of three, but at least they learned how to piss in the pot.  That will show them. 

After viewing this commercial, I am not too sure how much farther we have to evolve in diaper development.  Clearly we have come to the apex of diaper technology, but I was also preaching this belief after the release of the first Pull-Ups.  “I’m a big kid now!” 

P.S.  My favorite diapers would still have to be, “Fergie’s Rockin’ Adult Diapers.” 

 pees_2.jpg

What more could you want than the teaming of a grizzled “Black-Eyed Peas” dancer and adult urinary problems?  Plus, you get a free, “Black-Eyed Peas” CD.  So, while you piss your pants as you listen to this drivel, you will simultaneously be covered for your everyday activities.  It’s win-win.  Kudos to Fergie’s manager for this endorsement choice, and for managing someone with a single name.  The single name celebrity is such trite, it’s not as though Fergie is a Brazilian soccer star.  

It’s like that TalkingHeads song that’s really a Tom-Tom Club song

And now, readers, I turn to serious matters. What do I do everyday? What is it that occupies my waking hours, and my dreams when I am sleeping?  To be perfectly honest, it is my girl, my own baby, my goober, my old lady. At such a young age, I have been domesticated, and you know what? I like it. 

T has been coming down on me lately for leaving her out on this blog. It’s not a selfish thing on her part, and it’s not a bad thing, but it is true. Everyday, I share everything with my girl. I leave my house at 4:50 and kiss her goodbye, and I pick her up from work on my way home at 2:30.  We eat dinner every night together, we have a dog named Chompy Dinosaur, and we live on Venice Beach together, and it is quite like a dream.

One of the stipulations of my blog from the beginning was that it would be T-rated. I have begun to take this more and more seriously, so this is an effort to stay on track.

So when you think of me, dear readers, do not think of me as an alone savage, standing on a rock wearing Abercrombie gear, stiffly gelled hair bristling in the wind.  Think of me sitting at home, watching The Three Amigos with my “girlfriend”, and loving the fact that I don’t have an empty hole in my head anymore, and that I can be calm and relaxed instead of on the edge of reality. 

This all ties in with the “I am lying to you” post.  “Keep your WITS about you,” I say…..it’s really just a joke.  The guy who told me that was a 35 year old, overweight, lonely old party animal who was just spouting his routine at the bar, on his way home to his Hollywood hill sick ass pad by himself. Alone, and feeling it real hard…that’s an example of me leaving something out, that a so-called mentor I portrayed was really just a sad joke of existence.

Houseparty used to call me “a sensitive little guy,” all the time, and that’s because that’s exactly what I am.  It creates a wall, a fake image that I project to protect myself.  When I talk about the time I went to Raconteurs show and was so twisted off, I wasn’t alone.  T was there too, and it was a special time for us because it was my birthday, and we were together, and it was our concert, not just mine. 

That readers, concludes this episode of sentimental reality.  It all boils down to the fact that I love my girl, and that she is my half, the other part of my life.  Yes, that sounds really gay, but guess what, fuckheads, it’s true.  If it wasn’t for my old lady, you would not be reading about me unless you were reading the obituaries of small Texas border towns. That, dear readers, is a smack of truth.  I am done for the weekend. Peace, and to all you people who came on account of my manipulation, how you like them apples, bitches?