Bitching and Whining like a Girl

The firefires are raging through my area, but for some reason, I don’t really give a fuck. On Sunday it looked like a volcano went off in Malibu, with the smoke all coming out of the canyons and right on the water, about 5-10 miles north of Venice. It was pretty nice.

One of the main issues I’m struggling with right now is the classic East/West, family/solo, father/son issue that dominates sensitive, free-spirited, strong-willed savages like myself. Other notable savages who were torn between home and the outside world include Buddha, Jesus, James Joyce, E. Hemingway, and a bunch of other people. Examples are useless basically, make up your own.

In a nutshell, the family business is calling on the phone, nearly daily. My little brother, the notoriously gay ex-blogger Haganav, is finishing his studies abroad and about to come home, to jump in his Business Suit and take to cold-calling. By January, he will be a full-time employee of the parental units, at which time all eyes will shift to me, to see if I will also come home to take up the business.

Obvious highlights include job security, the potential to make a lot of money over my life, family ties, home-town shit, cheap rent, a calm atmosphere, etc. I would be walking into a set job, a paid job, and start on the path to amassing a personal fortune and starting a family.

It still feels wrong, for some reason. I’m going home for Xmas for the first time in nearly 3 years, and I’m very excited to see the old hood, see a buddy or two, hang with the parents, blabla. But it just doesn’t feel right for me to pack up and leave California and go back to Florida. It’s like a full-scale retreat, an admission of error when I didn’t do anything wrong. I talk to people all the time who were born in California, lived here their whole life, and won’t ever leave. I came here when I was 12, and I loved it, from top to bottom. Shit is nuts out here. It’s on the fucking Pacific Ocean, the Terminator is our governor, and it’s just the best fucking weather imaginable.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let all 10 of you who care, including the Stoney Crew, that Stoneles is wrestling with what some might call an “important decision,” concerning my life direction. I’ve felt the pull for the past 2 years, nearly constantly, that I should go back home and “get to work” and get myself ready “to be an adult.”

But also at the core of the argument is the clash between what I want to do and what my parents think I should be doing. My parents, to let you all in, exhibit an enormous controlling power over me, even without saying anything. Like I have explained before, I was carefully groomed and taught what I would need to really make it “in the real world.” Lessons included strict curfews, a locked-down lifestyle, no real dating until I was 16, mandatory extracurricular reading/studying, full-time sports, mandatory good grades, the list goes on and on. But then, at the end of the day, and the end of my childhood, I was sent off to college naked and alone.

Even after all that preparation, all the studying and structure, I was completely unprepared for what I had to do in college, on my own, which was to learn who I actually was as a person, and what I felt. The “what I felt” part was especially difficult for me, because I never really learned how to control my emotions, or at least to deal with them. Then, to handle the stress and pressure of “making it” in the big real world of college, I basically imploded into a world of drugs, music and outerspace. I smoked weed in highschool a few times, and I loved it, but when I got to college, I completely let myself go and started deconstructing myself, my personality and what I wanted to do with my life.

To break it down, I basically flipped out during my transition from an ultra-controlled sterile environment to the REAL WORLD.

In highschool, I rushed and rushed, studied and studied, practiced and practiced. I did all these things, and did them well, in an effort to succeed. The problem was, I was succeeding at things, and at the same time, I was alienating myself from my fellow humans. I was learning smart words to get a good SAT score to get to a good school, but in the process, I totally missed the classes on how to get along with people, how to interact with girls normally, and all sorts of other stuff. In all my advanced learning, I became a total fucking social retard, an impossible stump in Clarissa Dalloway’s dinner party.

So here we are. Exactly 2 years after I moved to California, the time is starting to come when I have to decide to come home or not. I think about other men, other people who have felt some crazy blood and needed to be out, to be doing things. It comforts me to know that other people have felt like I do. My dad said to me the other day, “It seems like you are trying to be Hunter Thompson, to have your life as one big adventure.” I laughed at him, but he was serious. I think he just said Hunter Thompson because of the drugs, which really isn’t what I’m trying to be all about. I love D-rugs, but I know they aren’t the end-all. Overall, my drug consumption, including alcohol, has probably dropped by more than 50% since I moved to California, so drugs aren’t the problem. It’s the other part, the adventure. He was right on about that one, because my life is one big fucking adventure, and I am driving my ship, tooling around and fucking being a nuthead.

That’s what’s up with being Stoney, those of you who know me, know it well. I’m all about the adventure, that’s one of my favorite words. To me, it’s an adventure to be living in Venice Beach, to go skateboarding and try to learn how to ollie and bust my fucking ass. To drive home after work through the mountains with my windows down to feel the cold air, to drive home to Venice Beach and look up the coast and see huge wildfires. That’s what I’m all about, the savage existence, the lonely moments where anything you think can and will be yours forever. A bit romantic, perhaps, and very cheesy, but the point remains that out here, in California, I am myself, I am Stoneywage slave, Peezy, Captain Grigio, and nobody can take that away from. My parents can’t call me and say, “Hey Grigio, you’re no longer Captain Grigio, you are just JP, and it’s time for you to buckle down and get to work.”

Thing is, I don’t feel like it’s time to get to work. It’s time for me to live my life, and to be happy about who I am and what I have. I’m surrounded by business transactions, money grubbing and blatant lying, and it really just hurts my soul. I’ve shut down parts of my feelings, just to be able to come to work everyday without going totally insane. I just don’t want to lose any more of myself to the invisible money machine, I don’t want to give up my California dreams so that I can be safe and secure with a backyard and shit. I don’t feel like that’s the right thing for me.

So what the fuck does it all come back to? The fact that I am sitting here, at work, not working, getting paid, and being a whiney fucking baby about whether or not I’m going to move back home or not. End blog now, please excuse the bitchin, I bet that 6 people read this word. And that’s the way it should be.


8 Responses to “Bitching and Whining like a Girl”

  1. 1 gn October 23, 2007 at 9:21 am

    -10 savage points.

    srsly though, is this a decision that needs to be made rightnow? Can it wait a year or 10?

  2. 2 twitch October 23, 2007 at 10:29 am

    Long live Captain Grigio, Don’t leave Cali for anything less then NY. Leaving Cali to move closer to your parents is not savage, unless you’re me. If you drive home make sure you stop in Tijuana before coming through Dallas, thanks. Wait, killer idea, How about you stay where you are and I’ll move closer to your parents and be the son they never (wanted) had. Oh, there will be tears. Or, plan #2, Move back to Dallas. (After you stop in Tijuana) You could be hanging with your boy right now. You could always go chill with your boy dank…lol. What ever you do the decision is yours not moms, not dads, gay haganovs, (lol) or mine. You have to do what you have to do. Not what we tell you to do. Florida is not so bad. Bucs are your favorite team again, and you’ll be on your way to being rich. A millionaire in training, if you will. I think you might. You.

  3. 3 twitchie October 23, 2007 at 10:39 am

    wow, great edit and fast too, damn. I lost my phone. email me with any vital info.

  4. 4 youandwhosearmy October 23, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    notoriously gay, hahaha. that’s the best thing you’ve written in awhile.

    i don’t really know you, jp. but i have heard a lot about you. from what i do know of you, you seem more of the free-spirited one in comparison to your brother. this is your life, and you should be living it for yourself. i agree with twitch: the decision is yours and yours alone. and besides, would you really want to leave california and go back to…brandon? c’mon. that’s a no-brainer.

    but my opinion is of no consequence.

    and while you’re racking your brain, watch this video of the mighty boosh, a choice british comedy show. the olg greg bit is fucking hilarious.

  5. 5 Your Mom October 23, 2007 at 5:21 pm

    Hi Sweetie–

    Oh dear, sorry to see you are so confused. That job I was talking about with the George Soros of the futures world is in Chicago, not Florida. Oh well. And also, sorry to hear you were so miserable in your private schools and private sports lessons. Stupid us, we thought you were enjoying the sports, at least. Why didn’t you just tell us then that you preferred drugs. Maybe we could have moved to California and gotten your weed card then. As far as studying SO HARD, hahahaha. But hint, hint…I guess we should have realized it six years ago when you told us you had been waiting all your life to get out of our house.

    Oh well. Do you really see any need for coming home at Christmas? Why bother. Sorry we were so awful. But don’t worry, we won’t be wasting your time in the future. So just go back to fucking around at work and having a wonderful time.

  6. 6 stoney October 24, 2007 at 4:13 am

    and the gloves come off

  7. 7 twitchie October 24, 2007 at 11:46 pm

    they would have bought you drugs dude!

  8. 8 dankknuggets October 26, 2007 at 3:44 pm

    peezy, you’re doing well. you’re independent. you have a steady job. you pay the bills. you have freedom. you have a good lady. your parents love you. your friends love you. a life relies on you, depends on you for its existence and you give it love. you are a feeling, honest, noble knight of the highest largess. “living is easy with eyes closed”–yours are wide eyed, open and ready to witness all the beauty the world presents you.

    -to mercy, pity, peace, and love

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