As you may or may not know, Roughty and Suit are coming out for the most glorious day of the 365. July 21st, the day Stoney was brought into the world (not-stoned at the time). July 21st has always been a fun day, and I try to make it the best one of my year. When I was in college, my little brother would come visit me, and my older bro would come down too. Roughty and Dank were here and there, and we would all get in the car, roll to Newport News, and eat baklavas or something like that at the Greek festival. It was SICK to say the least.
This year, Roughty and Suit are coming to LA to kick it Stoney-style on this grand occasion. Dank, if you had a job, maybe you could come too. Beyatch. My random act of kindness of the day will be not making fun of you further for the rest of this post.
I think they are staying for a week. There are a few things to be known whilst visiting this grand, savage city, and I will try to pepper you with a few travel tips, monument highlights and itinerary stopping points in the few weeks before you both get here. I think you should be prepared.
First, living arrangements
(Suit, you can sleep on the wooden chair)
My “house” is an apartment in a 100-year old building in Venice beach. It is roughly 4-500 square feet of living space. There is only 1 “couch,” a mangled futon. A sleeping bag for 1 of you would probably be a good idea. There are only 2 rooms. The “bedroom” is also the “kitchen,” complete with bed, dresser, oven, stove, sink, and refrigerator all in one room. Also, the bathroom is in the bedroom/kitchen, so you have to come through my room to take a piss. Personally, I think you should just go outside, or hold it until we go to the bar. Also, we don’t believe in silly things like “doors,” a hanging curtain suffices to separate the two rooms. Please, keep it down while having buttsex…just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean I can’t hear you. Breaking it down, there will be 6 animals under the same roof (don’t forget about my two dogs, a full-bred pit bull and a mutt-ass boxer/pit/ridgeback), with about 500 sq feet. If you want to, I’ll say it’s 600 sq feet. That way, we can each have a 10×10 personal space bubble for privacy. I got dibs on the bathroom.
Second, The Drawing Room
(actual picture of the pisser, found on google)
The DR is the best fucking goddamn bar in the whole goddamn city. HANDS DOWN. The DR is an old, dirty place, located on Hillhurst Ave, near Franklin…it’s in the Silverlake area, and the place is fraught with old, drunk actors, drug addicts, wannabees, ex-prostitutes, current prostitutes, drunk people, losers, fuckheads, punks, fat people, and any other kind of destitute waste of space you can think of. When my mom came to visit, I took her there. When she left, she went back to her hotel and started crying.
Joe Unger, aka Sgt. Garcia from Nightmare on Elm Street, and other various roles…SAVAGE. Joe is a super-regular at the DR, and a fucking unrivaled savage. Probably 60 years old, this motherfucker drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks.
Jimi Hendrix’s little brother, Leon, is also there a shit load. A story ensues, but I leave it out with respect to big bro Jimi.
What’s so great about the DR? A ton of shit. First of all, in LA, most drinks will run you 7-10 bucks, a beer the same. At a normal bar, they have one of those measuring cups or whatever, to only give you 1 1/2 ounces of booze. At the DR, they fill your fucking glass up 3/4 of the way with booze, and you pay…….4$ for it. About 3 shots for 4$…classic. The DR opens everyday at 6 AM, and on weekends, my boy Scotty brings in hot dogs and other various healthfoods…..FOR FREE. That’s right fuckers, come on down to the DR on the weekend AM, and you will get free hotdogs, chips, saurkraut, baked beans, and the best bloody mary I have ever fucking had. Ever.
Third, Dodgers Stadium
Let me preface this by saying, fuck the Mets and Red Sox. They are the fucking gayest teams on earth, except maybe the NY Giants, who, like Roughty, claim a heritage to which they are not part of. Dodgers vs. Mets, July 21, will be an unsightly routing of the weak, girly Mets. Hopefully Mr. Met will come so I can get a picture of him sucking D in the dodgers locker room for a hit of crack. Biotch.
Put those 3 pieces together, and you’re getting just a TASTE of what Roughty and Suit are up against. Insanely small living quarters with a shit load of bodies, an early start at the best bar in the city, and a spanking of the Mets in good old Dodgers stadium
Roughty, I predict you will be a) drunk b) crying about the Mets c) sleeping in the hallway by the end of the night on July 21.