Star Wars

If Star Wars were real, are we the Empire or the Rebels?

Think about it. If Star Wars were the real shit, whose team would we be on?

I am an American who fully supports my country. I don’t want us to die. However, I think we are severely fucked up, and the shit we are doing is wrong on a number of different levels, that I’m not going to get into in detail. I’ll leave that up to the smart, serious people.

America = Empire from Star Wars

Death Star– we have the most badass, huge motherfucking ships all over the world. Airplanes, crazy missiles, scout planes, nuclear submarines….Right now, we are cruising our military in the Persian Gulf, playing strategic war games to show Iran that we will fuck them up if they don’t stop trying to make nuclear weapons.

Dominance of the Universe– we want to control the whole world and its resources. If we can’t control a specific territory or resource, we want to make nice, so that they can be incorporated into our existence and we can both benefit off of our mutual powers. If you don’t think so, then what do you think?

Use of torture to persuade rebels to give themselves up– lucky for the Rebels, Princess Leia somehow withstood the floating black needle torture machine. I’m sure not all of them did as well as she did. Guantanomo?

Bounty hunters and mercenaries to track down our worst, underground enemies– Boba Fett is the same as all these private military contractors running around in the mountains of the Middle East, trying to find Osama Bin Laden or other guys like that.

Am I stretching it? Maybe. But is it really that far of a stretch? Hell no, it’s not that far of a stretch, fuckheads.

If Luke Skywalker was real, would he come from a barren farm in the Midwest US, or a barren farm from Pakistan?

Was Uncle Owen in the WTC when they came down? Or was Uncle Owen killed by some badass fuckers looking for Obi Wan (underground leader [osama])? Do you see what that means? Luke Skywalker was ultimately catapulted into his position after stormtroopers killed his Uncle Owen, when they were looking for Obi Wan Kenobi….How many Uncle Owens do you think US soldiers and mercenaries have killed looking for Osama….right now the running count for civilian casualties is somewhere between 60k and 600k in Iraq, depending on who you ask GO HERE FOR A BREAKDOWN OF DIFFERENT COUNTS………I imagine that there are a shitload of Uncle Owens, and a shitload of little Skywalkers perfecting their ninja lightsaber skills to come kick the shit out of us. Substitute light sabers for IEDs or suicide bombs…

Are you on Luke’s team or the emperor’s team?

As an American citizen who sincerely does love his country, the only solution I can see (from the Empire’s team, which I am on), is to work for change within the system, to build the Death Star into a Death Star Party Bus. Or something like that.

death-star-2.jpg

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1 Response to “Star Wars”


  1. 1 dankknuggets May 24, 2007 at 5:34 pm

    Uncle Owen’s farm was certainly not a barren farm. in fact, it was a moisture farm on the inhospitable, desert planet of tatooine. dumbass


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