Everyone loves a drunk

Drugs affect different people in different ways.  The biggest habitual offender however, is alcohol.  Some people become quite loquacious and can light up a party, others lose all inner ear functions, and some become downright assholes.  If you are a veteran of numerous bar trips, chances are you have been one, or all of these.  I present to you, videos of three of the most hilarious drunks the internet has to offer.

 

BICYCLE RACE!

 

This video was taped as part of this man’s training for the Tour de France.  He was hoping to capture on video his mechanics and form, in an attempt to increase efficiency.  Alas, he doubled, tripled, then quadrupled his breakfast vodka, and failed to realize his front tire had been heisted.  Always one to adhere to a strict training regimen, this leading cyclist plodded on for his morning workout.  Look for this man to be cruising down the Champs Elysees in the coveted yellow jersey this summer.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE!

This man is not drunk; he just suffers from a severe inner ear problem.   People tend to forget how essential the fragile workings of the inner ear are until they are robbed of its services.  The inner ear fails to operate correctly especially when it is saturated with booze.   

This man’s journey reminds me of the time I was walking on a checkerboard floor when I was nine.  I was minding my own business until this asshole in my school informed me that the black squares were hot lava, if I touched them I would die.  Long story short, my motor functions had not yet fully matured, and I thought I was doomed as I fell on a black square.  But the joke’s on him, I survived.  Apparently I had been born with immunity to lava; take that suckers.

A DANCE LEGEND!

This man is from Uzbekistan, so I have empathy for his excessive drunkenness.  If I had to live in Uzbekistan, I would have to be rigged to an alcohol IV and would wheel it around with me.  I like to think of alcohol as my creativity juice; oh, and dart juice.  Statistics have shown that I have a cold one in hand 93% of the time I’m writing this bullshit.  

It seems this Uzbeki has found his muse as well.  Excessive alcohol consumption has led this man to dance the night away.  The innovator that he is, he was not satisfied with only burning up the dance floor; he needed to brand his mark on it as well.  This video is the first known documentation of two of this guy’s ground-breaking dance moves.  Notice at about the :30 second mark, he turns and goes into the previously unseen, “Reverse Turd Catcher” maneuver.  This is pulled off by walking away like an ape.  However, he throws in his flavor by holding his right hand under his ass, because – in his words – “just in case.”  

The next maneuver is not a dance step, but more of a dance philosophy.  Throughout the whole sequence, this man opts to use his trademark “T-Rex” dance style.  This is categorized by severely limp wrists hovering around the face, and little movement of arms that are locked in a 90-degree angle.  This dance philosophy allows the user to string together dance steps in a free-form combo routine.  This video has been admired by “T-Rex” purists as the ideal way to shuffle. 

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