David Caruso deserves an Emmy

David Caruso has to be the worst actor in history.  If you watch “CSI:Miami”, you are bound to see him put on his sunglasses up to, and including 137 times per episode.  Ok, we get it, its sunny in Miami.  Who knew?  However, CBS feels the need to bludgeon us with this fact.   

This reminds me of the bludgeoning I took watching “Crash”, the worst movie to win “Best Picture”.  The infinitesimal bit of faith I had in Americans was whisked away every time I heard some non-savage rave about this shit dump of a movie.  I remember thinking upon viewing this movie, “Yeah, racism exists, call CNN.  Is there anything else?”  This movie just kept beating racism over my head, I get it, move on.  “Crash” could be condensed into one scene, but no, it had to steal two hours of my life that I will never get back.  But, I digress. 

I checked out the official CBS staff list to find David Caruso’s job title, Organic Ray-Ban Caravan.  Would I lie to you?  No.  David Caruso’s purpose on this show is to transport the sunglasses from place to place on set, all the while spouting shit-eater one liners. 

Now, the one weakness of the Irish is our extremely pale skin, and inability to cope with the sun.  So, as you may infer I am extremely pale, and there is nothing I can do about that.  However, David Caruso has really set a new standard.  I don’t understand how he doesn’t spontaneously combust in every episode.  I hope the asshole that thought putting a guy that makes “Powder” look tan, on a show set in Miami, had his thumbs broken.

powder95.jpg

I could do the same thing that Caruso does on this show.  Yet, nobody is handing me sweaty sacks of cash with “ $ “ signs on them.  I can just imagine Caruso as the “Monopoly” man, skipping his ugly ass all the way to Park Place.  If I had all that money, first order of business would be acquiring a monkey.  I would dress him in a tuxedo and walk him on a leash through the city.  Then, I will buy a Pegasus as my main mode of transportation, and I would trick that bitch out.  Diamonds for his wings, and spinners for his hooves.

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4 Responses to “David Caruso deserves an Emmy”


  1. 1 Vixen April 11, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    You are dead on! Thank you for this funny review…Caruso couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. He is a horny moron who rather fucks his co-star la Rue than deliver a good performance..

  2. 2 stoneywageslave April 12, 2007 at 10:58 am

    Stoney says: RED FLAG!

    Vixen, you obviously have a psychotic obsessive lust for David Caruso, so try not to shit talk your fantasy baby daddy. Wow.

  3. 3 Vixen April 12, 2007 at 11:02 pm

    Doesn’t matter he still is an ass hat!!!


  1. 1 How to purchase a Pegasus « Stoney Wage Slave Trackback on April 17, 2007 at 1:55 pm

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