The Drunken Pentathlon

Seeing as I am a denizen of many local pubs, bars, watering holes, what ever you call them, I have grown quite proficient at a few drunken games.  Most notably, darts and pool.  These two are classic games at bars, and are usually reasonably priced.   

As promoters of these games, close friends of mine and I have always argued over when you are at you best while playing them.  This is a vehement argument, but we agree upon two things: you are not at your best sober, nor when you are absolutely destroyed.  So what is the happy medium?  That must be concluded on an individual basis, depending on your tolerance, type of drink being consumed, and general expertise at the game being played.  Naturally as we delved deeper into these nagging conundrums, we deduced the only way to accurately find answers is to drink, and play.   

Now, our close knit group includes many competitive personalities.  Therefore we got into drunk, heated moments of extreme victory and defeat.  We figured we needed to get some rules together and incorporate other drunken games.  Thus, the Drunken Pentathlon was born.  Activities to be competed in are, darts, pool, bowling, horseshoes, and video games.  All these are heightened by competition with friends and a brew in hand.  Logically, some ground rules needed to be set. 

1.      All athletes will be required to have a crew.  Your crew team will act as a support system.  This ensures that the athlete can focus only on savage competition, without the worries of keeping the airtight system of the Drunken Pentathlon running smoothly. 

2.       Physical activity must be kept to an absolute minimum.  We are not running races, sprinting up field, or even swinging a club or bat.  We are sitting in bars, alleys, and sofas, therefore physical activity is frowned upon in our Pentathlon.  These sports are catered to the average lazy American, and we would be doing him an injustice by inadvertently bettering our physique.  The only physical activity needed is 12 oz curls, which leads us to rule 3. 

3.       Alcohol must be consumed during competition.  This would not be the Drunken Pentathlon without drunken athletes.  However, we know that each person consumes at his or her own pace, therefore the pace of drinking will be regulated to only one maxim; once one drink is finished, your crew team must immediately provide you with another.  That will make sure alcohol is flowing, as it should be. 

4.      Penalties may be assessed at the discretion of the referee.  I will detail scoring in the next section, but here is how you can be penalized. 

Use of cell phone – 1 point

Use of another athlete’s equipment e.g. darts, pool stick, horseshoes – 2 points

Spilling your drink – 3 points

Spilling another athlete’s drink – 5 points

Vomiting – 7 points (and a severe warning at the discretion of the referee)

2nd vomit – Disqualification

Consumption of any Coors product – Immediate lifetime ban from the Drunken Pentathlon 

Scoring will be given as such for each event:

1st place – 10 points

2nd place – 7 points

3rd place – 5 points

All other competitors who finish out of the top three will receive 0 points and must chug a beer in between events. 

The order of events will be as follows:

1.      Bowling

2.      Pool

3.      Darts

4.      Horseshoes

5.      Video games 

The first 4 events will be competed in a double elimination blind draw tournament format.  How this works is each athlete will choose a face down card, and will be seeded in the tournament bracket based upon the card picked, ace through deuce.  Winners go to the winner bracket, losers to the loser bracket.  After your second loss in a specific event you are out for the remainder of the event. 

The final event will be a Grand Prix in Mario Kart.  This is the grand finale, savagely racing for respect, honor, and glory.  Mario Kart is the perfect setting for the ending of this Pentathlon of champions.  The winner will taste sweet victory as he or she crosses the final finish line, and the sting of defeat will torture the unfortunate souls of those who were left in the dust.   In the event of a tie in overall points after the Mario Kart Grand Prix, overtime will commence.  Overtime will consist of all tied athletes in a final showdown in Halo, the winner of which is grand Pentathlon champion.  There is no better way to exact a final victory than a well-placed headshot to your enemy. 

The Drunken Pentathlon will be held on a bi-monthly basis.  To the victor, go the spoils.  The Grand Champion will have a two-month reign over his competitors.  The Champion will have first crack at beer, food, best couch position, remote possession, etc.  In your own circle of the Drunken Pentathlon, you and your fellow athletes should arrange before the competition the spoils given to the Champion. This event can be a great way to settle any scores, debts, or arguments of superiority with your friends.  Once you compete, you will realize the Drunken Pentathlon will be the most anticipated day every other month.  Drink on fellow athletes.   

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3 Responses to “The Drunken Pentathlon”


  1. 1 suityourself March 21, 2007 at 2:20 pm

    My favorite part of your post is the final penalty — drinking any Coors product &c. &c. This is hilarious, and I couldn’t agree more with your stance. The stuff is like elk sweat from the nasty ass rocky mountains…

  2. 2 mike April 17, 2007 at 7:05 pm

    This is awsome…


  1. 1 Touche Michigan « Stoney Wage Slave Trackback on March 22, 2007 at 2:16 pm

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