Lighten up people

To start off I would like to borrow a quote from Jerry Seinfeld from his flash in the pan show “Seinfeld”.  (And if you cannot detect the thickly laid sarcasm in that statement, this post is directed toward you).  “People are the worst.”  Truer words have never been spoken.   

I do like to study my fellow species, even though I am almost always disgusted by what I see.  I see people walking around my city (and it is my city) and they fall into a few different categories. 

1.      Looking down at the ground with a frown guy.

2.      Disgusted look if you get within 5 feet of his walking space guy.

3.      Young CEO in training who wont even let you pick up his dog’s shit guy.

4.      General asshole guy. 

You people need to lighten up.  Seriously.  Not to turn preachy, but there are far greater things to worry about than how the dog groomer fucked up Fluffy’s new do, or the guy at the drive-thru shorted you three cents.  Mainly you need to worry about staying out of my way or pissing me off.  Enough is enough; people need to reassess their senses humor.  Too many people are waking up with a shit attitude and taking it out on my cheery Irish demeanor.  Fuck you guys, it’s not my fault you didn’t get laid last night, or that junior came out of the closet, or even that the Irish are superior to your race, I don’t have control over these things. 

Like many of you have, or may have had in the past, I have a job that demands I serve and please the public.  I don’t know which wise person said it but it’s right, “business would be good if it weren’t for the customers.”  If you didn’t have to deal with bending over for jerks all day, most people in the service industry would have fuller hair or lower blood pressure.   A perfect example of this is a place I worked at in Williamsburg.  My fellow bloggers know of this place and have heard this example hundreds of times, so bear with me guys. 

As the manager there, I was a constant bullshit dumpster.  One day some old rich lady, who doesn’t even have the common courtesy to look me in the eyes while I’m taking her order, holds up the line for about 10 minutes.  All the while, people on their lunch break are waiting and repeatedly examining their watches hoping they will have enough time to taste their food that day.   After she repeatedly told me, “Ok I am ready” just so I wouldn’t take someone else’s order while she was making up her mind, she finally asked me a question.  “Is your roast beef rare,” she asked.  With a straight face I answered, “No ma’am, we have it everyday.”  Immediately my co-workers moved away from plain view to try and hold in laughter, but this lady looked at me like I just killed her first-born child.  She started getting pissed yelling at me that I was making fun of her.  I told her, “ma’am it is just a joke, here you can take a look at a sample of the roast beef.”  But no, she has absolutely no sense of humor and storms out in a huff.  Well fuck you too bitch.  I am just trying to insert some humor into this stuffy bitch’s day, and she can’t take it.

Another even worse occurrence happened in New York.  I was up there with my sisters and we went to see the touring “Bodies” exhibit.  If you are not familiar with this, it is an exhibit where real human tissue from cadavers went through some new preservation technique and was reconstructed into displays.  There were displays profiling the muscular system, the cardiovascular system, the limbic system, etc.  It was like a real look into the human body, extremely interesting.  We get to the room where one exhibit is a smoker’s lung and a liver with cirrhosis.  To my sisters I say nonchalantly, “Damn, this makes me want to have a beer and a smoke.”  They started laughing.  I wouldn’t have gotten meaner looks than if I went to ground zero guised as Osama bin Laden.  Some lady asked me, “Is that supposed to be funny?  These people are dead from those things.”  Look bitch, they signed their bodies over to science.  If you don’t like what I have to say quit eavesdropping, and get out of my face because you mouth smells like a sewer.   

I never know how to read people anymore.  It seems like humor has completely died in our world, everything has to be so serious.  I understand there is a war, and our economy is in the shitter, but you need to have balance in life. I can never predict what people are going to do.  I hate it when I am walking down the street on my own and I spy some mouth-breather who is giving me the 100-yard stare, 50 yards away.  I get closer and closer as I continue down the street, and still this asshole refuses to quit eye fucking me.  I feel like I have to meet his glare to just acknowledge him, or just say, “What?  So, I am wearing a cape.  That’s what I do, deal with it.”  It has become impossible to mind your own business anymore with everyone in your face.  Yet, they don’t want to be a part of any of your wit and humor, and would rather fuck up your day too.  “People are the worst.”

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5 Responses to “Lighten up people”


  1. 1 stoneywageslave March 22, 2007 at 5:26 am

    nice one. however, i am one of the fuckers you talk about.

  2. 2 haganav March 22, 2007 at 5:44 am

    I remember hearing/reading about how in fact the people who’s bodies were used were Chinese political prisoners, and that they in fact never signed their bodies over, but were rather executed then used for science. There is no actual research behind this but I thought I’d throw in the possibility for you. And it was a very interesting exhibit and yeah the parental units gave me shit when we walked by the torched lungs. Furthermore, I can be one of the fuckers you talk about 🙂

  3. 3 b's girl March 22, 2007 at 7:00 am

    asherthedog says
    love the world
    don’t expect anything
    know that karma sux for those that are ignorant people
    unconscious of their own shit
    remember one thing always

    humans are stupid
    dogs are all love

    write on brothers

    we know that stoney is one of a kind

    my mom thinks he rocks
    and hopes that he and his friends spread our message
    of love and honesty

    no bullshit
    no masks

    give love
    get love

    be stupid
    get bad karma

    and most of all pick up the shit you leave on the way side–forgiveness and gratitude can make things better

    asherthedog saying peaceout to all you stupid humans
    and kudos to the stoneywageslaves for their honest look at life around them
    no rose colored glasses for them

    crsytal clarity

    ashertheverywiseandlovingdog
    saying peaceout

  4. 4 Roughty March 22, 2007 at 12:50 pm

    Sorry Haganav, you are wrong. The cadavers used were from people who had releases on their corpse after their deaths. Also, the used people who died of specific diseases or conditions, to show the public the damage your daily life can do to you. Furthermore, those reconstructed bodies were too large to be from Chinese specimen. Too racist? Ask me how much I care.

  5. 5 suityourself March 23, 2007 at 8:32 am

    yeah, good point roughty. i had forgotten about the rare roast beef! nice work.


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