The Kia Shittage

I have quite a bit of road rage.  Just the slightest hint from a rival driver that he or she intends disrespect, and I’m quick to abandon all reason to stick it to ‘em.  But there’s one thing that vexes me continuously on the highway other than your average Virginia driver: Kia’s with chrome wheels.  Now I’m not talking about those plastic chrome colored things available at Advance Auto Parts.  Nor am I talking about some middle of the road priced 18 inchers.  Oh no, I’m talking about a Kia Sportage or Kia Sephia on some 22” Diablo Spinners, Spreewheels, etc.  I’m talking about black Kia SUV’s with tinted windows and an $8000 set of rims.

            You know what comes to mind?  Various other inequalities.  In fact, why stop with your automobile?  How bout you trendsetters add a side of cavier to your TV dinners?  A Kia on chrome wheels is like smoking a bundle of stems and seeds out of a 4 ft. glass bong.  It’s like wiping your ass with American currency.  I half expect them to hop out of their mobile nightmares in torn up overalls, sporting tuxedo shoes.

            I guess it’s just another form of tackiness that will always exist in our culture.  I want to flag down these genetic mistakes, have them pull over, and explain to them (for their own good) that no vagina in history has ever been moistened by the sight of a Kia.  Kia’s are truly good for just one thing (if even that): getting from point A to point B.  Kia could unveil a solid gold Sephia with bumper kits, hydraulics and a lift supporting 30” spinners, but it would still be a mechanical disaster with a 1.7 L. engine.  That is what my father likes to call, “big hat, no cattle.”

Please, all of you Kia drivers, take that $8000 you have laying around, and make a down payment on a real estate investment.  Get your son or daughter started in college.  Go to
Thailand and buy a brothel.  But please… please, please, please don’t try to accentuate your Kia.  It’s just a mobile eyesore, anything that will further attract attention is detrimental to the driver’s sex life.  Wiseman once said, you can’t polish a turd.

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1 Response to “The Kia Shittage”


  1. 1 suityourself March 19, 2007 at 8:43 am

    iii, i miss the shit out of you. this type of shit is the biggest reason you are one of the greatest and most savage people i ever met. i mean… “mobile nightmare” is one of the single greatest phrases i’ve ever seen. besides this, i can certainly relate to the roadrage. seven cities requires us to keep on guard against all potential offenders, because if you don’t stay on the offensive, you’ll be face-down on the pavement drinking 10w30 from your own tranny!

    now, here’s a riddle…

    what’s worse than some broke ass sexual chocolate looking motherfucker tricking out his kia?

    nothing…

    the only weak competition is the old broken ass tauruses and escorts with 24 inch spins. that really makes me want to walk up to those weak looking nasty dread having gangstas and get them to roll down the window by motioning to them that i like their spins (you know, the old index finger in a circle routine), and then when they roll down the window, throw some dog shit in there and stand there laughing at their 3 day old black and mild smoking, tight ass wife beater wearing, follish looking asses.

    the one redeeming virtue of the kia sportage (shittage) is that every once in a while, you’ll see a hot 16-year old blonde driving one. her dad knew she was going to wreck whatever the fuck he bought her, so why waste lots of money on a real car? instead, he bought that hot slut a glorified cracker box…

    you can’t teach taste, i guess.


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