How should I prepare for St. Patrick’s Day?

Following in the theme of Roughty’s “How should I prepare for 300” post, let’s talk about St. Patty and how to best approach this nefarious occasion.

First, accept the fact that St. Patrick’s Day is an Irish-themed holiday, and so the main theme of the day will revolve around drinking, excessive drunkenness and beer goggles. It takes a lot to get aroused by an Irish-person; they are not, by nature, a classy and beautiful breed, but heavy drinking should dull your senses enough so that you don’t realize you are going home with someone who smells like a pig barn and has curly hair.

Now that we understand and agree that this is a holiday inspired by the drunkenness of an ugly, stout society, we can proceed in our preparations.

I will be attending a party at The Victorian, where my special lady works. Let’s talk about the Vic. The Vic was a big house in downtown LA, and they fucking put it on a truck or something, and hauled it into downtown Santa Monica, smack dab in the middle of yuppie-ass Main Street. It’s a transplant. The Vic is a very nice, classy establishment that used to serve solely as an events place, where people come to get married and have the reception. As Borat would say, “Very niiice.”

The Vic then opened up as a breakfast and lunch place, and that is where they stand now…as a breakfast/brunch place that closes pretty early (2 PM) to prepare for the classier night-time functions.

Then, the Vic made the bravest and dumbest decisions ever, by deciding to open a beer garden on St. Patty’s day, and throw a party.

I am invited fully. My lady and I will be in attendance, and will no doubt be taking maximum advantage of her employee status by drinking as much free beer as possible. And because the party is a “new event,” it will be outside of normal hours, so she won’t be in full employee uniform, and will not have to deal with the ensuing buffoonery.

Prep #1 – Secure a free booze source. Booze is fucking expensive bitches! St. Patty’s day is all about boozing it up, but why the fuck should you spend half your paycheck on one day (or weekend, if you are fully Irish and curly like Roughty). Make friends with someone you don’t like that is having a party, go to the bar where your buddy works, or crash a keg party you see while walking around. The point is, you need to build a strong base of drunkenness to fully appreciate St. Patty’s, and you should do so on someone else’s dime. It’s like Christmas, but it’s in reverse AND it’s Irish.

Prep #2- Fucking walk, you idiot. If you do go out on St. Patty’s and you are not a worthless chodegrundle, you will not be able to drive home. Period. The Victorian is a crisp 3/4 mile walk, and I plan on taking advantage of my geographical superiority by not getting a DUI.

Prep #3 – Do not stop drinking until you are TOAST.

Finito. St. Patty’s is not a very complicated holiday. Some of you might have thought there would be more prep work involved, some type of planning, etc. Hell no. The Irish, as a group of people, cannot conceive or construct plans more complicated than thatching roofs and shearing ship (racist?). This holiday was meant to exploit the Irish clan’s greatest asset, drinking, to give them a chance to fully express themselves to one another, and to facilitate the reproduction of their society. I’m not a scientist, but I imagine the majority of births in Ireland occur exactly 9 months after this day.

Again, this is not a difficult holiday. No one really knows what St. Patrick did really, except for something with snakes…maybe? The point is, I don’t know what it’s about either except for drinking, and I bet 99% of the people wearing stupid green buttons tomorrow will say the same thing.

St. Patty’s Day is a celebration of the Irish spirit through the use of spirits, so grab a glass, go out and be a fucking Irishman for once. Make Roughty proud.

Disclosure: I am 1/2 Irish but choose to embrace my ethnicity as fully American, and deny that only a few generations ago, I would be wearing a plaid skirt with no underwear.

Disclosure #2: My special lady is 100% Irish.


7 Responses to “How should I prepare for St. Patrick’s Day?”

  1. 1 Your Mother March 16, 2007 at 3:32 pm

    You are not 1/2 Irish, and there is no excuse in the world for you to get drunk. Hasn’t at least one of your bloggers been arrested for WALKING home in a stupor??

  2. 2 Roughty March 16, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    yes I have been arrested for “walking” home in a stupor. But I swear officer, I have just been minding my business.

  3. 3 Not Your Mother March 17, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    Roughty, wasn’t it better to spread the suspicion to all you bad boys? At least you aren’t lying about being Irish 🙂 Have you boys ever thought about undertaking a blog that might be in some way beneficial to mankind? You’re not too old to save the world, you know.

  4. 4 Roughty March 17, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    I am actively saving the world everyday, however I must keep my mild-mannered identity a secret. Degenerate villians are constantly trying to take my super hero identity down. Because of this I never get the credit for my deeds.

  5. 5 Not Your Mother March 18, 2007 at 7:33 pm

    Ah-ha!! Now I understand what has been going on all these years. All this miscreant behavior by the Bad Boys has been nothing but a subterfuge, a ruse to keep the parents confused while y’all were out doing Super Deeds!! That is such a relief to us ancient ones who thought you were just farting your lives away, so to speak. When are you coming to Florida for a visit??

  6. 6 Anonymous October 30, 2007 at 11:14 am

    Hallo, very good site!

  7. 7 LaureSure November 16, 2007 at 1:21 am

    Two new studies show why some people are more attractive for members of the opposite sex than others.

    The University of Florida, Florida State University found that physically attractive people almost instantly attract the attention of the interlocutor, sobesednitsy with them, literally, it is difficult to make eye. This conclusion was reached by a series of psychological experiments, which were determined by the people who believe in sending the first seconds after the acquaintance. Here, a curious feature: single, unmarried experimental preferred to look at the guys, beauty opposite sex, and family, people most often by representatives of their sex.

    The authors believe that this feature developed a behavior as a result of the evolution: a man trying to find a decent pair to acquire offspring. If this is resolved, he wondered potential rivals. Detailed information about this magazine will be published Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

    In turn, a joint study of the Rockefeller University, Rockefeller University and Duke University, Duke University in North Carolina revealed that women are perceived differently by men smell. During experiments studied the perception of women one of the ingredients of male pheromone-androstenona smell, which is contained in urine or sweat.

    The results were startling: women are part of this repugnant odor, and the other part is very attractive, resembling the smell of vanilla, and the third group have not felt any smell. The authors argue that the reason is that the differences in the receptor responsible for the olfactory system, from different people are different.

    It has long been proven that mammals (including human) odor is one way of attracting the attention of representatives of the opposite sex. A detailed article about the journal Nature will publish.

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