Work Update: This Place Sucks, and My Buddy Got Fired Yesterday

Yesterday, my buddy JB got fired from my work. Fucking Bullshit.

JB got fired because “he missed numbers.” Bullshit.

JB got fired because he had a rough attitude and was getting into fights with the new sales manager, who has been busting balls because CEO is psychologically unstable and creates unrealistic goals. JB was in sales, and guess what? He sold. But guess what else? It doesn’t matter how much he sold, because he rubbed the bossman the wrong way. JB was a little flagrant, but he came to work on time everyday and did his job.

Let me tell you another story about my friend B. B was my co-worker, he was way older than me, and he had been working here for 6 years. B got to work everyday between 4:30 and 4:40 AM. He was always the first person to get here, and he worked nearly 12 hour days for as long as I knew him. He worked harder and cared more about the company than anyone else I knew.

Guess what? B’s mom got really sick, he had to take a week or two off, and to take care of her as she was dying. Literally two weeks after he got back from his mom’s funeral, they fired him, because “the company is moving in a different direction.” Bullshit. I sit here doing the same shit I was doing back then when they fired him, and the company is still doing the same shiet. Here was a guy who worked over half a decade for someone, and worked for more than a paycheck; he took pride in his work, and that came through in everything he did.

What do I do at work? I do this and that, scan some shit here and there, etc. I “work” for maybe half the time I’m here, probably less if we wanted to get physical. B, on the other hand, gave everything he had everyday he was here. Why did B get fired, while I get to sit here writing a blog and getting paid money for it?

The experiences here at my first job have only ingrained my deepest slack-off work ethic standards. I should only do the bare minimum amount of work possible to get by (look at JB & B, do they really care about how much or what you are doing? NO.) I should take full advantage of any under-the-table benefits of getting up and going to work each day at an office, like drinking Jack Daniels or popping pills at my desk. I should create for myself an affable, happy-go-lucky personality, which puts people at ease and gives them confidence about my ability to perform (it’s called lying, or acting). I should keep my nose down as much as I can, and create an atmosphere of frantic work, clicking buttons and swiveling my chair to ask questions and stay “involved.” This is tricky because the whole point is that I don’t want to be involved, only look the part. I succeed fairly well at this; I am in my 15th month.

One caveat is that you don’t want to be too “frantic.” If you are always freaking out about this or that, even if its just a show, it puts people off. Stay calm, put on a good frown and badger at something that hasn’t been getting done forever, and probably never will. That way, if someone asks what you have been doing, you can exasperate, “Look, I’ve been working on XYZ, but Jimmy the Programmer hasn’t fixed the original problem (old problems are always good because they are already familiar to the boss and don’t need explaining), and I spend all my day sweeping up this mess and putting Band-Aids on things that need big fixing.” Bingo. See what you did? You are working very hard, trying to keep up with problems that are originating from someone else’s mistakes. You, my friend, are doing well to keep the company afloat.

On a lighter note, I watched The Prestige last night, and it was SICK. The whole time, I kept singing “Final Countdown” by Europe. For you fucking waste of space neophytes who don’t know, “Final Countdown” is the theme song for the greatest magician of our time, GOB Bluth.

RIP GOB Bluth

PS- Roughty, change this fucking header you have up here. Although Al Bundy is an undeniable mascot for savagery, it does not look so well on the screen up here in the sweatshop. It kind of runs against my “under the radar” rule. I won’t be here much today bc of the bullshitstem atmosphere (gotta keep it tight today, people).

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3 Responses to “Work Update: This Place Sucks, and My Buddy Got Fired Yesterday”


  1. 1 Roughty March 15, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    RIP indeed GOB Bluth. Fuck David Blaine, GOB Bluth is the magician you need to be following.

    PS Stoney – Did you see that Buster Bluth is in Andy Richter’s new PI show?

  2. 2 colon farrel March 15, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    no, but Buster was in “Stranger Than Fiction,” a C+ Will Ferrell movie in which he tries to act serious. Buster was acting like Buster, too…..

  3. 3 deddog March 15, 2007 at 4:41 pm

    hahaha that’s perfect, the calculated frown combined with a steady barrage of mundane office small talk… fuck sprite, image is everything


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