A Modest Proposal

Being that this is my premiere post, it is necessary that I first pay homage to the Williamsburg gods. Roughty was a roommate of mine, and I must say he is one of the most loyal, secure, and reasonable people that I have ever come across. From almost burning the place down during a moment of intense savagery to our ultimate eviction, Roughty and I have seen the worst (best) within each other. Stoney initiated, shaped, and molded my current lifestyle from our first encounter, and consequently saved me from a world of straight edge mediocrity. In other words, he saved my life.

 

Now that all that dick sucking is out of the way, I present to you, readers, my initial post. I realize that most of you reading this blog are criminals on a daily basis in some form or another. Whether you speed (even a little), engage in oral sex, smack your child’s behind, smack a 17 year old’s behind… you’re violating this country’s written codes of conduct. And you know what? That’s ok, because these written codes of conduct vastly outnumber their ability to be policed.

 

I have noticed from my personal experience that the ones getting caught share similar behaviors. This is especially true of those of you that buy contraband. Underground porn, bootlegs, switchblades, pistols, drugs, organs… very different forms that all require an experienced dealer and interested buyers. For the purpose of my post, let’s refer to any and all contraband as widgets. In order to modify and improve your ejumacation and self betterment, I offer the following commandments on HOW TO PROPERLY BUY WEED… I mean WIDGETS.

 

#1 – PHONE ETTIQUETTE

 

When looking for widgets, it is preferable that you go through your extended network of friends before consulting strangers. If you must approach a stranger, ask them if they would mind taking your number. NEVER ASK FOR THEIR NUMBER. No widget salesman wants the worry and anxiety associated with impatient customers. If they want to sell you widgets, they will do so regardless of your begging and pleading. So leave them your number, and hope that they either call it immediately to offer their own, or call you in the future when the widget crops are done.

Once a business relationship is established, limit phone conversations as much as possible. NEVER mention widgets, slang terms for widgets, or metric/U.S. units of mass and weight over the phone. Let me repeat that for all the white women out there. NEVER MENTION WIDGETS, SLANG TERMS FOR WIDGETS, OR UNITS OF MASS AND WEIGHT OVER THE PHONE. The dealer already knows why you have called, mongaloid. So unless otherwise forced to do so by the dealer, keep your lips tight during the conversation. If he knows anything about selling widgets, he’ll casually and briefly inform you of a time/meeting place… and probably call back later to change the location 2, 3, or 57 times.

 

#2 – ARRIVAL

 

Drive to your dealer with a messy car, untucked shirt, and other noticeable signs that might indicate you’re not a model citizen. Upon arrival at the final destination, follow your widget dealer’s directions for parking to a T. BE ALONE, BE ALONE, BE ALONE. Alert your dealer, cut off your engine, recline your seat, read that random magazine in the car, play with your cellphone, solve a rubics cube… anything to pass the hours it takes for his slow, lazy, or cautious ass to emerge from the shadows of the neighborhood/apartment complex/gas station/hole in the ground. Whatever you do, don’t play the Ying Yang Twins on the 4 15” subs in your trunk while you’re waiting. This is actually one of those times where you don’t want the attention you so pitifully seek through the volume of your car stereo. If he’s stupid, he’ll invite you out of your car and into his home (you shouldn’t deal with reckless individuals like these unless you’ve gone without widgets for more than one day and are consequently experiencing an emergency). Assuming he’s of moderate intelligence, he’s now in your car looking mighty uncomfortable.

 

“Can we run to the BP real quick?” your answer: “sure!”

“I gotta go to Food Lion, mind givin me a lift?” “sure!”

“hey man, I need to stalk my ex girlfriend, can we…” “sure!”

 

Whatever he asks must be followed, for it’s probably an excuse to ditch whatever prick of a widget agent may or may not be watching him. Your job at this phase is to stay quiet, give the poor guy a ride, and patiently await the aroma of fresh widget.

 

#3 – PURCHASE

 

Since you already have your money in a readily accessible area, your dealer will experience no anxiety when he pulls out his widgets. Once you understand his stated widget quality and price breaks for large quantity, direct him to your form of payment. All of this should occur using as few words as possible in the most ambiguous forms possible. All it takes is one wire wearing widget hater to doom a good upstanding entrepreneur.

 

DO NOT open the widget bag or hold it up in the air under the street light. If you MUST certify the quality, do so by placing the widget back in the bottom right corner of your seat between you and the center console using your cell phone as an inspection lamp. Only when the widgets grossly miss their stated quality or quantity should they be returned to the dealer at this point. DO NOT haggle with the widget man. If you take his price to be too high, then market forces will gradually bring them down, or you’re expectations are unrealistic. Finally, place the widgets in your car’s stash box (if you don’t have a stash box in your car then you shouldn’t be buying widgets, asshole). Your safety is important to you as well as your dealer.

 

#4 – EXIT

After dropping off your friendly neighborhood widget man, retain your calm, disinterested demeanor, even if the thought of all those widgets is causing salivation and erection. The dealer DOES NOT want to see some marked change in appearance or behavior right before you drop him off at whatever rock he wishes to climb under.

 

#5 – POST ENCOUNTER

Finally, sample your widgets. If it is not up to your standards, don’t just discard your widget man’s number, as the quality might improve in the near future. When you’re ready for your next encounter, text your guy using discrete language, and repeat the process.

 

I understand that this is not the most entertaining or humorous post… but it is a necessary one. So often am I let down when friends go off to get widgets and come back empty handed due to a spooked widget salesman. So long as you let your widget man call the shots during an encounter, you’re almost sure to continue your happy existence of widget dependency