March Madness

Well to all you chuckleheads who got here under pretenses of viewing a post about college basketball, it’s not that type of March Madness I speak of.  As this is the month of March, and I am severely pissed about something, my title is warranted.   

I have a job, like many of you readers probably do, that requires me to keep a clean-shaven face.  Absurdity!  Will I be any less capable of completing my assigned tasks if I have some stubble on my face?  Will my equilibrium somehow be thrown off, and then I undoubtedly cause some massive chain reaction of chaos, all because I forgot to cut up my face that morning? 

When did beards, moustaches, and groomed facial art go out of style?  I must have missed something.  Employers are basically telling me that they want nothing to do with me because the natural growing hair on my face turns me into a bum.   

Shaving is just the worst.  The whole process makes me want to transform from my mild-mannered alter ego form, and go on a skull thumping tour of the country.  Tickets for the “Skull Thump 2K7 Tour” go on sale St. Patrick’s Day.  The absolute worst is when you have already committed to a shave by running the water basin, lathering your face, and sacrificing a virgin, only to realize after the first stroke that your blade has become woefully dull.  Fuck.  What do you do now?  You don’t want to rinse off and run to the store with one razor sized patch of hair cut off your face.  Plus, it is hard enough to find a sacrificial virgin, but two in a morning?  Please, that’s just crazy talk.  So you do the only thing you can, hack away.  Then when you show up to work you will be clean-shaven, but your face will look like you had kissed your lawnmower blade goodbye instead of your family.  

Some of our most esteemed countrymen were known for their facial hair.  Abraham Lincoln, Tom Selleck, ZZ Top, and most notably Chuck Norris.  There is nothing more manly than a savage beard.  I’m tired of shaving everyday, and you should be too.  Let that shit grow.

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