After about a week of writing on this blog, I felt it was necessary to take a step back and reassess how I have been doing. I think I have added a different aspect than Stoney, and I hope you loyal readers agree. However, upon further review, it seems to me that I have been somewhat negative here at StoneyWageSlave. Hopefully, I can amend that, but I don’t imagine it will be a full transformation. I’m only human. This is why I felt like I should turn to the tried and true genre of the ode. It worked for John Keats, so it should work for me.
Today my subject is a near and dear friend, the potato. Is there any food better or more versatile than the potato? I think not. I have to admit; I am partial to this tuber, as it is the staple crop of my countrymen. Yet, it has been enjoyed by an innumerable amount of people. The potato is a valuable source of sustenance. If you are poor (as many of us are) just head to the store and buy as many potatoes as your wallet can afford. These little beauties will not only fill your stomach, but also excite your palette in delightful ways. We Americans have fallen in love with the potato for its many food and non-food related uses.
Don’t have any culinary skills? No problem. The potato is easy to prepare for consumption. You can bake it, boil it, mash it, or fry it. All these methods are backbones of American cuisine. Where would our beloved fast food “restaurants” be without the fried potato? Planning on having Thanksgiving dinner without some mashed potatoes? Fuck off commie. And who can resist a well-prepared steak coupled with a fresh baked potato? However, our love and uses for the potato do not end in the kitchen.
As children, some of our fondest memories are of constructing a rudimentary firearm whose bullet is…you guessed it, the potato. Nothing can compare to the thrill of realizing your gun works as you see that potato smash full speed against its intended target. Pissed off at an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, boss, or fellow blogger? No problem, just stick a potato into their tailpipe, and your thirst for prankster hijinks will be realized.
(Ode ends here, back to being an asshole) Some of you may argue that rice has fed more people in the world. Well yeah, it’s China’s fault we have so many people in this world. Seriously, are there really more than 2 billion people living there? Fucking astounding. Quit humping assholes. Wednesday is “Dry Hump Day,” I suggest you take advantage of it. Rice is infinitely inferior to the potato. It only takes one potato to satisfy hunger, but how many grains of rice are needed? Who knows, who cares? As basic as rice is, it’s easy to fuck up if you have no cooking skills. If you fuck up a potato, cut it in half, hollow it out a bit; then throw in some cheddar and bacon and, BOOM! Potato skins, a valued member of any self-respecting watering hole’s menu. (Sorry, I did not intend to channel John Madden there). Plus, what is up with rice being so sticky? Molasses is more viscous than this slop. Uncle Ben has some serious soul searching ahead of him.