How should I alter my mind at work today?

This is an important topic.  Here we are sitting at work.  What would you rather be doing?  Reading, swinging on a tire, swimming at the beach, watching a movie, driving to a different state…there are literally TONS of things that you would rather be doing than reading my blog right now, at least I hope. 

In an effort to escape the shitstem that pervades our daily existence, human beings, as a class of entities, have devised NUMEROUS ways of altering perception, so that you think, act and perceive the physical world around you differently than you normally would.  The pros and cons can be argued endlessly, and we could even invite SADD and MADD to come by to drop their points, but I don’t really give a fuck what they think.  Let’s break this down into groups, rank, sort and give awards to the best mind-altering substance at work.

1. Hard Drugs.  Hard drugs are not preferable at work.  Cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, LSD, psilocybin (mushrooms) and any other shit that will seriously twack you the fuck out for 4+ hours SHOULD ALWAYS BE AVOIDED IMMEDIATELY BEFORE AND DURING WORK.  It takes an unusual breed of savage to perform various duties while involuntarily grinding your teeth, and odds are that you are not one of those people.

2. Pills. Pills are good work-time fun because they are small and they create nearly zero physical side effects, like smelling like a bottle of booze.  They also pack a punch, depending on how many and what you take.  However, pills that you have never taken before should be strictly avoided, so that you don’t end up falling out of your chair and drooling on the floor, asking Mr. Pippylongstocking if he will hand you another cigar so you can get into pre-show of Cats with your party favor.  Like most of these things, practice makes perfect, and don’t bite off more than you can chew.  Pills are better than hard drugs.

3. Herbals. Herbs are good for work, but they create many many side-effects which are easily noticed and raise red-flags for those of us who are in the know.  If I was a boss, I could tell who was coming in stoned. Please.  Smoking at lunch can create major problems too, because you smell like a burning joint roach, you come back to work from “lunch” extremely stoned, you probably start talking with a stoney “edge,” and your motivation just went out the fucking window.  The common office environment is also very anti-stoner, with glaring lights from the ceiling, bright glowing machines that can easily distract you, major buzzkills like bosses and work and a general weirdness that comes from sitting in a big room with 25 people, with everybody collectively hating their jobs, lives and existence, slaving away to make a paycheck that just covers living expenses, unless you are a thrifty bastard who gets off by not rewarding yourself with presents and a life-style that makes you feel good.  I think some reggae-mon once said, “When you smoke the herb, you can see the babylon shitstem,” and that shit is TRUE. When you start smoking weed, you get a different perspective on life, and you might start seeing some shit that you didn’t notice before.  I have a unique situation, because I get to work every morning at 5:15 AM.  That way, I can be “tired” ALL MORNING LONG EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, and  just say, “Hey man, I got here at 5 AM, I’m fucking tired as shit.”

4. Booze.  Booze wins. It kind of sucks, because I am very pro-buds, anti-booze if they had a fist fight. I think booze causes a lot of problems, whereas weedles solves a lot of problems. But that’s for later.  The thing that’s so great about booze is that you can buy it anywhere, and it’s fucking legal.  That’s right, people, the MOST DANGEROUS, MOST WIDELY ABUSED, MOST VIOLENT, EASIEST TO INGEST, MOST FUCKED UP DRUG THERE IS…..IT’S BOOZE, AND IT’S LEGAL. I think that’s weird. But anyway, it’s the easiest, quickest and safest way to get messed up at work and not get in trouble.  Airplane bottles were not invented for airplanes, they were invented for your work desk.  An airplane bottle of Jack Daniels and a $1.29 bottle of Coca-Cola Classic is God’s way of saying, “Here you go, son. I know work sucks, but keep some sugar and some liquor in your system, and you might be able to get through this day so you can come back tomorrow.”

In conclusion, MODERATION IS KEY.  You can’t get fucking drunk as shit at work without getting busted for it, you can’t smoke bongs in the bathroom without getting busted for it, and you can’t eat your grandmother’s Vicodin prescription for the month in one morning without getting busted for it.  Find your style, enhance and exploit your strengths, and keep it simple.  Have fun, kids!


2 Responses to “How should I alter my mind at work today?”

  1. 1 roughtymcroughton March 12, 2007 at 10:59 am

    LIES! if two identical twins – one stoned, one drunk – got into a fist fight, the drunk one would clobber the stoned one. One of a drunk’s super powers is the uncanny ability not to feel pain like non-super humans. Being Irish, I am among an elite race of kings among kings in the drunk world. You dont fuck with a drunken Irishman, from our rich to our poor we have no shame. The only difference between the lace curtain Irish and the poor Irish, is the lace curtain Irish move the dishes before they piss in the sink. Let that marinate for a while.

  2. 2 twizzard June 6, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    This ts the best post I have read so far. Relative and educational. You are wise beond your years young Stoney. Keep up the good work.

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