Slacker

I have been working as a professional for a little over a year now. With just one year of experience in the work place, and nearly 20 years inside American learning institutions, I have developed a working model to enhance slacking, reduce work output and maintain a positive reputation as a hard worker, effectively side-stepping the tried and true American baby boomer self-aggrandizing work ethic. This is the first time I put it down into words, so be forgiving.

1. Presentation Is Everything. Whether it’s a report for your boss, an internal email, a meeting, or just your everyday approach to coming to work, how you look and act is infinitely more important than what you are actually doing. Keep your mouth shut and keep your work tight.

2. Under The Radar. Don’t attract attention to yourself. If you are really slacking, careful inspection of what you are doing could unravel your whole game plan. Why fuck it up? Under The Radar means doing what you have to do the right way, not getting into tiffs with co-workers and not talking to the boss. At the end of the day, you want people to think, “Did he come in today?” so they can go check your work, see it’s done, and be satisfied that you performed without causing a disturbance in the force. People love not having to tell you what to do every five minutes.

3. Do Your Job (Don’t Fuck It Up). How are you going to maintain your position as a paid slacker, if you don’t do your own goddamn job? You got hired to do something, so do it. What you do outside of your duties is your slack-time, but if you don’t do your job, you’re going to get fired. It’s a pretty easy equation, but this is probably the most important piece of the pie to enhance your slacking expertise. In a slightly ironic twist, you have to do your job to be able to not do your job. Does that make sense? This rule ties in with Rule #2, because part of staying under the radar is doing what you’re supposed to be doing.

4. Everything Else Goes Here…..or…Slacking. That’s pretty much it. Those are 3 basic rules I came up with, and everything else can and should be personally tailored to fit into your lazy existence. Cut corners, cover your ass, don’t call people back, don’t do something when they tell you to, lie about stuff, take long breaks to get coffee, go out in the hall and make a phone call (as long as it’s for a job interview), call your buddies on the company phone, surf stupid websites, send stupid chain emails to your co-workers, stare at the wall, go to the bathroom a million times, go to the liquor store down the street and get an airplane bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle coke.

As you can see, the possibilities are fucking limitless. You can do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you look good, do your job and stay out of sight. These are just some basic rules, and I admit I didn’t sit here and think them up. They have been handed down to me in various forms, including advice from elders, learning by watching, and trail & error. Try molding your day around a few basic rules (if they are new to you), and see if your slacking experience is improved today!

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