Jesus is my coach

Religion is always an easy target for naysayers and haters alike. I have always enjoyed a laugh at bible thumping idiots who go completely overboard and discredit their religion for others.

I found these little trinkets years ago, when blogs were not the craze. However, now that I have a forum to mock dumbass shit like these, I believe I will take full advantage of the privilege.These figurines depict our savior throwing down on the playing field. Jesus can perform a plethora of miracles, why not sport related? If I ever receive one of these as a gift, I don’t think I could be held accountable for my subsequent actions.

jesus-football.jpg

I don’t know what this kid is thinking. You can’t tackle Jesus! Please. This figurine was fashioned moments before Jesus gave a stiff arm to the boy, spiked the ball in the end zone, then proceeded to do the worm. I heard the ref tried to flag Jesus for his celebration, but Jesus had God smite him.

jesus-ma.jpg

I thought Jesus was supposed to condone love, not tutor a bunch of aspiring black belts. Jesus has his work cut out for him to coach these kids. To start, they are wearing belts of a color I didn’t know existed in martial arts. Furthermore, the boy on the left is not even looking at his opponent. That’s a good way to get your shit wrecked little boy, get your shit together.

jesus-baseball.jpg

Well, that just looks plain wrong. With all the pedophile scandals, I am not sure the church should show Jesus in such a compromising position.

jesus-track.jpg

Once again, the church cannot stop the pedophile imagery. Follow Jesus’ gaze. His eyes are looking toward a very naughty area. Who likes short shorts?

jesus-biking.jpg

Jesus is indiscriminate; He supports the X-Games sports as well. When you are training or competing in these hazardous sports, it always helps to have the Messiah by your side. Once you break your neck, its useful to have immediate absolution on hand.

Catholicshopper.com also notes that each statue is emblazoned with, “Jesus Is My Coach”. That’s great, but while Jesus is coaching little Billy, who is helping the under privileged and downtrodden? Who cares, Jesus taught Billy this sick cross-over that gave him some street cred in hoops.

——————————————————————————————

Editor’s note: Suityourself was walking to work the other day, and he passed some ass-hole bible-thumper holding a sign and shouting at people. suit was late enough already, so he decided to stop and watch the action for a moment. an elderly lady rode her bike past the blooming idiot. he immediately shouted, “just keep on riding… you probably can’t handle god’s wisdom.” for the record, the “wisdom” he mentioned was a sign he was carrying which read, “god hates fornicators!” on the other side, it read, “heaven or hell? it’s your choice!” suit was pretty angered at this shouting, so he walked up to the bible-thumper and said, “if i hear you screaming at one more person, me and my friends are going to come out here and kick the shit out of you.” this may sound uncharacteristic, but i swear to god that it happened. as i walked away, i shouted, “and get a real job you piece of shit.” so, now for the punchline… when i came out of the office 20 minutes later to sneak a drag off my cigaweed, the asshole was already gone. what do you make of that? if this guy was so sure that he was going to heaven, why was he so scared of a beatdown from me and my (nonexistent) friends?! i think my chastizing caused him to question his faith. if he’s addicted to rocks and has pawned off his bible collection, i’ll consider my life a success. that story is just to echo roughty’s sentiment — bible-thumpers are idiot assholes.

5 Responses to “Jesus is my coach”


  1. 1 stoneywageslave April 23, 2007 at 12:47 pm

    Stoney Says: Keep it up, Roughty. Good job on keeping the bible thumpers on their fungus-toes.

  2. 2 suityourself April 23, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    roughty, i don’t know what to say. once again, your humourous humourosity has left me embarrassing myself in my office from laughing to damn hard. “who likes short shorts?” you better watch out for thunderstorms… i smell a smiting coming on…

  3. 3 Roughty April 23, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    Well done Suit, one bible-thumper CHOPPED! God hates fornicators, please. If that were true our race would not have lasted very long. Some people just don’t think.

  4. 4 Wing Chun Las Vegas Kung Fu Student May 24, 2007 at 10:03 am

    Hilarious! Always nice to see humor associated with relegion. It’s when we take ourselves and each other too seriously that violence breaks out. I will keep an eye on this blog. VERY FUNNY.


  1. 1 There's no crying in football « Stoney Wage Slave Trackback on April 24, 2007 at 12:54 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s





Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: